He is guilty of all six.  It's been just over two years, and we are nowhere near feeling like we are healed.  I have less pain but am more severely depressed than ever.  I hope that I can get him to watch this.

Thank you.

It was sad, as you brought each road block up, they were all there and I might be a bit jaded, but being the betrayed spouse, I felt that they were almost entirely on my spouses side.

It was good to hear this, even though every  step of the way that could go wrong did for me. In the Question phase, I got very general answers and vague items. The counselor we had wanted to have a single 45 min session to have her give me a time line of what happened and for me to ask question. I was still realling from the information to even formulate questions. The puzzle analogy was good, affairs are cultivated, developed and nurtured to get to where my ex-wife got to. But the answer to my question of why was "It just happened"

You know with that answer there was no safety in the relationship. She could step out side today and it could just happen. Funny you would think after a 20+ year marriage, that it would be a little more difficult than that.

Empathy - wasn't, as I was going through having my reality destroyed, she was more worried about my questions and my wanting to have assurances of what she was doing with her time. I was all about her?

And where she wanted to go with all the counseling sessions was that I didn't hear her. Asked what hearing meant to her, she could not describe it. Was it being able to recite back exactly what she said, no, was it that I was suppose to agree with everything she said, no. Was it that I was suppose to give responses that I understood the words being spoken, no. I got so frustrated with this line, because it had no meaning.

We have already discussed the lack of safety, I can recall with clarity the moment I asked her why the guy's phone number was still in her phone, it gave her a sense of security. Wow and what do you think it did for me. Then came her filing for seperation and walking out the door again on me and her 2 boys, until I got it. Well, I got it, that I would need to put my life together with out her.

She would have love to deny the reality, but I had some very good friends, a couple that I was very close too that had gone through the exact same thing and had put it back together. But the ex-wife didn't want to listen to anything that the wife in this relationship had to say. All my ex wanted to know is when would it all be over.

I grieved the loss all the time, my 20+ marriage up to a bit before the affair was great, in my situation it really was like some one turned off the light switch, one day we were working together and building and the next I didn't know who this woman was. I described it as watching a train wreck from a cliff, I saw it coming, tried to do anything I could to change the course but ultimately it happened.

Failure to commit, well with the withdrawal from the relationship for her to make room for her new love interest, her leaving the first time to be with him and leaving me with my kids and just driving off, was pretty devestating, then her returning, but with a foot out the door until she filed for seperation and left the second time. Yes there was a real failure to commit.

I have re-read this and funny I thought I had processed my anger pretty well, but I guess this was a bit of processing it again.

I alone sat and watched this video. Yes I know I need more work as the betrayed spouse. 14 years of marriage and a hubby who had an 10 year affair and few emotional affairs all at same time. The continual finding out (8+ times atleast) by hard evidence that the long affair is "connected" (there is many miles now between him and her) even after he constantly tells me its over, that he doesn't want a divorec..etc... there is zero trust in our marriage 90% of the time we have been married. This video it home when he said "giving information freely to the betrayed spouse before the betrayed spouse finds out or asks.. if gold. I have always told my husband this. Its one thing that would actually put on ounce of trust in our marriage. Why... because it shows bravery, honesty, transparent, that the spouse is trying to heal the marriage. I would love him more for this type of honesty then to be lied to until evidence is shown then he walks away because he has been caught again in affair and lies. I think he is ashamed when caught.. but this video also hit home when Rick said don't play the jump through the hoop game. Make a decision to either be all in or get out. This is where I need to work.... I will rewatch it again.... very humbling.