Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Healing After An Affair: Emotional Flooding & Reminders

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After almost 17 years of helping couples and individuals professionally, I have discovered that crises affect us far more than we are aware. The impact of a crisis, whatever it may be, must be dealt with if we ever want to find healing and hope for a better future.

Grieving to Acceptance

The trauma experienced by a couple upon the revelation of a betrayal is no small matter, and it creates a raw, emotional upheaval that must be dealt with by both parties. Yes: both parties. To be sure, the initial stage of healing after an affair is about grieving. For the betrayed spouse the pain of the losses is overwhelming. There is the loss of self-confidence, the loss of the life they thought they had, the loss of their dreams, the loss of security, the loss of their belief in who they thought their spouse was. You also must grieve the loss of what seemed normal, while at the same time trying to find your balance and footing in a strange new world, and the list goes on and on. Losses have to be grieved, and the stages of grief cannot be rushed or avoided. There will be denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, and, ultimately, there comes a point of finding meaning and acceptance in what has occurred. The act of grieving does not, however, resolve the issue of reminders. After an appropriate amount of time, how does one move beyond the trauma and back into relationship?

Long after affairs have ceased and the betrayer has achieved a sense of humility, compassion, and in some cases 'sobriety', the battle of the thought life and the impact of trauma begin to take center stage. In many ways, it is this struggle that will determine how quickly, if at all, a couple will be able to recover from betrayal. Each party has to make a conscious decision to either live in a past, hurtful season or event, or recommit to the relationship and focus on what it can be. This is paramount in healing after an affair and requires a reasonable timeframe. That decision is even more difficult than it sounds because it's not just a matter of a choice but, rather, it is a battle that must be fought by will, intention, and clearly defined vision, often for a period of months or years. It takes a great deal of fortitude and tenacity to be willing to engage in this daily battle.

For each partner, there can be multiple daily reminders of the catastrophic event. For the betrayed, it could be a name, a song, a scent, the arrival of a cell phone or credit card bill, ads for a topless club, or infidelity in a movie. Even a sighting of a couple having a good time can be enough to send the betrayed spouse down memory lane, which can easily lead to painful memories. For the unfaithful spouse, life is also filled with these reminders. Each time their mate says they want to talk, coming home at night wondering what type of mood their mate may be in, computers, recovery groups, counseling, and many other things can all serve as reminders.

It is at this point that the battle in the theater of the mind begins. The greatest distance known to mankind is the eighteen inches between the head and the heart. In fact, it takes up to seven years for truth to move from our head to our heart; but it only takes a lie about three seconds to travel the same distance. At some point in the recovery process, each party must come to the point where they choose to focus on something other than the betrayal and the reminders of that betrayal, where they decide that the event will not define or control the rest of their life.

There has to be a conscious choice to move ahead.

A Helpful Exercise

If you are the unfaithful spouse, you might find this exercise useful: Make an honest attempt this week to list forty separate reminders that your mate might experience on any given day—reminders that could possibly send them down the path to their personal house of horrors. The reason for this is not to shame or condemn. Rather, it is an honest attempt at conveying your true comprehension of their struggle each and every day. It also is a sincere attempt to convey how you are coming to a greater awareness of their struggle. This can be hugely impactful in healing for both of you after infidelity.

If you are the betrayed spouse and you believe your mate is becoming a safe person and has moved into recovery, then choosing to no longer be a victim of painful reminders would be a good step toward health. Healing after an affair requires a willingness to fight the battle by attempting to focus on what is good and right and working rather than focusing on the failure or the perpetual reminders of the failure.

I want to invite all the betrayed spouses to this year's Hope Rising Conference. Our conference is virtual again this year, which means that you can join in from anywhere! The team has planned a meaningful day filled with hope, encouragement, and practical strategies. I highly encourage you to check out the details for Hope Rising 2021 and see Rick's video below. Our goal is to see you move into an incredible life of meaning, power, and purpose, and although it may not seem like it now, there is hope and a way to get to the other side.

In case you've missed it, below is our founder, Rick Reynolds, sharing what Hope Rising is all about:

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Here's another one

For three years...Every time we have sex, I have a flash of what she did with him, the photos I found, little things she said about what they did, or the lies about what they "didn't do". I have very visual images in my head..every time.

How do I extinguish those?

Were you able to overcome

Were you able to overcome this? I have struggling with the same thing. It's very hard to enjoy intimacy with my husband knowing everything I know. In the middle of it things come to head and it's very hard not to think about it.

Sex after betrayal

I can't help comparing his affair partner to myself. She is 32 yrs younger and firmer and prettier. How can I stop doing this? Also he can't perform sometimes. Further cementing in my mind that I'm not enough. Pls help me!!!

Did it get better?

Did it get better?

I am a real person who has

I am a real person who has been hurt by lies and unfaithfulness.

How to heal after the marriage has ended

I am the betrayed spouse. After finding out about my wife's affair of over 2 years, I made the decision to try to save the marriage and spent all of last year with her in therapy, making personal changes, taking trips, etc. In the end, she had fallen in love and so we decided to divorce and she is now living with him (out of state). They are planning to marry in the next couple of months. This has had a devastating effect on both me and our children. Her mother and sister who both still live in my area, were supportive of me at first, but blood is thicker than water and they have chosen my ex. So I have decided to cut off contact with them. I have a flood of emotions every day and sometimes it is difficult to function. Any ideas on how to deal with this situation?

Great article, Rick. I agree

Great article, Rick. I agree with you 100% on fighting the good fight and battling through it if both spouses are committed to the marriage. Took me 12-14 months to really accept that a different or better past was not an option after my wife's second affair. What I did realize at this stage, and it was transformative, was that God had allowed something in to my life that I could not manage or control and therefore I was forced to finally submit to His will and let go. I had to accept and humble myself that I was powerless and that by only turning over complete control, could I then get through this and possibly save my family. I came to understand that God allows this suffering in to our lives to further us along our journey and relationship with Him. I can honestly say, looking back on it now 15 months post DDay, that I don't for a second wish it had never happened. Had I not had to go through this nightmare, I know I wouldn't be as close to God and truth as I am today. Thanks Rick, your emails have been a blessing!

I can't do the last paragraph

How do I know he's safe? He lied to me too many times. Shouldn't the betrayer agree to make amends? I've asked to move away from here and we would, but reluctantly.

I do not know why people

I do not know why people become so dependent on the behavior of another in order for them to heal. Work on healing yourself first if you mate is willing to help great, but if not for what ever reason do not get bogged down. Take a look at what you could have done better before and focuse on making yourself a better mate, and at the same time keep reminding yourself that you are working on the only one you can tonight make oyourself the best you can because why they failed was their weakness and sin and only God can change them. So once you have healed you can then based on their behavior decide if there is enough there to save. If you are unable to feel good enough about yourself that you are not dependent on staying married then you are healed enough to try to heal the marriage. If you think you can not live with out the other you have things you still have too work on. Love is something we decide to share with another and when it is returned it is great but love is not a ball and change holding us in something against out best interest when the other has left. We can not make someone truly love us. We can get someone hooked on us if we wish to do that but true love comes when we are being ourselves we know each others flaws and we are ok with that. Get to know who the real you is, when you can start to feel right about yourself you are on your way to healing. What they did was wrong do not let it control you! This is why true forgiveness it really the first step. If you can forgive you can heal if you can not you will not heal and their sin is controlling you. I healed in about 5 months with little or no help from my wife but a lot of help from Christ which is were you can find true love and hope for your life.

Choices

I had the misfortune of having been exposed to an alcoholic and have also been betrayed by my husband. Both experiences have shaped many of the choices I have made. Rick mentions on his post that there is a point where one has to make a choice to focus on something other than the betrayal. Boy did I have plenty of opportunities to make those choices! God must have really wanted me to learn this lesson. I have. I think if I had not had the experience with an alcoholic prior to my husband's betrayal I would have had a harder time understanding the "addiction to the affair," how finding a hidden bottle is like a trigger, that it is a waste of my time/effort to try to monitor someone 24/7 (if they want to stray they will find a way). I choose to: Be present and live in the present, to stop looking "for hidden bottles, or hidden evidence," be responsible for my choices and behavior, improve myself, and strive to fulfill my dreams. My advice to the betrayed: Choose to live a happy life.

Column on Reminders

Thanks for this column. Even now, years after the adultery, I continue to find it painful. Reminders are many & include news stories but, especially, cinematic depictions of adultery. My wife things I should be 'over it' & perhaps I should, but that kind of attitude seems callous & actually aggravates the pain. Recently I got to the point of insisting that we not continue watching the BBC series, 'My Mother & Other Strangers' – it just raked up too much painful memory, especially the obvious cinematic decision to portray a woman's adultery as somehow glamorous & understandable & okay, whereas male adultery does not get that kind of pass – nor should it, but the double standard these days is very annoying.

Thank you. I needed this today

God sent this to me at a perfect time. Ty.

Great advice

Thanks for such great advice. I enjoy and appreciate your notes of encouragement and the factual, practical and healing words.

Hope Now Saved Me and Continues to...

Everytime I need validation I get an email from Hope Now. The advice is always right on...thank you

Triggers

This came at th exact time I needed. God does work in mysterious ways.

Thanks

Thank you for this article. Perfect timing.

how do you do this????

Seriously Rick- we just talked about this EXACT very thing YESTERDAY with our counselor - it is like you are living in my mind.... as the betrayer - i constantly live in the past and see the hurt of today as a result of the past- this is holding me back from healing and keeping me from helping my mate heal as well. I am working on living in today- yes my mate may be mad, upset, angry, afraid, or........... but that is today. We need to learn to stay in today....deal with today Gosh- scary!!!!

I felt like I wrote this article today

I am leaving in a few days to go visit our children that live in the states. My spouse and I have lived outside the country for the last 10 years.Discovery of his unfaithfulness has been a year and a half now. So we live on an island now where they call it the "60-20" club. Old men going with these young island girls. Yes he "joined the club" and cheated..we have been married 42 years. Trying to explain to him tonight all the feelings I have about going back for a visit when my trust in him is broken..just stirred up the same old fight. He says the famous.." Oh get over it" and that I will never let it go. He has shown no affection towards me in over three years. I am glad I didn't walk out when I first made the discovery but am still torn on what my future with him holds. This week was very emotionally challenging for me as he had cataract surgery and truly needed me to take care of him. Todays article just really felt like I had written it..everything I said and felt was talked about. At least I feel like I am not alone in this struggle..thank you

Reminders

What you don't say is what do when a reminder hits for a betrayed.

Emotional Reminders

I appreciate this article. I have been experiencing this very thing and just began to wonder what I needed to do to control those triggers. Great timing.

recovery

my mate has left, to be on his own, but also to continue a relationship with his affair partner. he had the affair while i was undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. i am so traumatised i don't know how to recover. i've been pushing do hard to cope, two small kids in tow. the betrayal took centre stage and my ex mate tells me just to move on. i'm still being treated for cancer, i don't think he has any understanding, the kind of understanding i read here, of what i am going through and how hard moving on is with all that's on my plate.

Can I recover

Yes you can

Affair

I have forgiven my husband for the affair but found out years later that he had two children out of it.every time I deal with them I feel like she is winning and I’m losing. I’m at a point where I don’t want them in our lives and I’m trying so hard to be humble in Christ I need some guidance.

Flooding

Can you address the steps/choices the betrayed spouse needs to take/do to stop flooding at their spouse? Those angry abusive verbal assaults don’t allow for empathy and healing. The rages only spawn shame. Can you please be more SPECIFIC about flooding and how to stop it/control it so we can focus on the future not the past? How do we move beyond the anger? The disgrace?

Emotional flooding and reminders

Very difficult to move on when your partner works with the affair partner and they are speaking most days but he doesn't want to share what that relationship now looks like with me in order to 'protect' me.

Emotional flooding and reminders

Flower, sounds like your partner is protecting himself and lying to you. Remember that your partners choices are not about you. His/her choices are about himself/herself. If your partner was in true recovery transparency in all things would be in place as would be boundaries. I suggest you stop thinking of your partner and start thinking of yourself: your healing. Put yourself first, find a CSAT counselor who works with the betrayed partner. You deserve to be happy and emotionally healthy. It IS hard work. I’ve been there, done that. The work is worth it.

Reminders

It’s difficult when there are still reminders around the house and he refuses to get rid of them for whatever reason, which he hasn’t shared with me. You also said that the spouse who did the betraying has to grieve. Exactly what is the addicted spouse grieving after discovery and supposedly starting recovery? His secret life? The current affair partner? Please explain this to me very clearly rather than beating around the bush what it means to grieve for the person who did all the betraying and the lying and putting his family last?

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