Healing After An Affair: Emotional Flooding & Reminders Hope Rising, our one-day conference for betrayed spouses only, is just around the corner! Join us virtually on October 2nd and find comfort, community, and hope. Learn more here: https://www.affairrecovery.com/hope-rising or click the button below to register now. Register Now! After almost 17 years of helping couples and individuals professionally, I have discovered that crises affect us far more than we are aware. The impact of a crisis, whatever it may be, must be dealt with if we ever want to find healing and hope for a better future. Grieving to Acceptance The trauma experienced by a couple upon the revelation of a betrayal is no small matter, and it creates a raw, emotional upheaval that must be dealt with by both parties. Yes: both parties. To be sure, the initial stage of healing after an affair is about grieving. For the betrayed spouse the pain of the losses is overwhelming. There is the loss of self-confidence, the loss of the life they thought they had, the loss of their dreams, the loss of security, the loss of their belief in who they thought their spouse was. You also must grieve the loss of what seemed normal, while at the same time trying to find your balance and footing in a strange new world, and the list goes on and on. Losses have to be grieved, and the stages of grief cannot be rushed or avoided. There will be denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, and, ultimately, there comes a point of finding meaning and acceptance in what has occurred. The act of grieving does not, however, resolve the issue of reminders. After an appropriate amount of time, how does one move beyond the trauma and back into relationship? Long after affairs have ceased and the betrayer has achieved a sense of humility, compassion, and in some cases 'sobriety', the battle of the thought life and the impact of trauma begin to take center stage. In many ways, it is this struggle that will determine how quickly, if at all, a couple will be able to recover from betrayal. Each party has to make a conscious decision to either live in a past, hurtful season or event, or recommit to the relationship and focus on what it can be. This is paramount in healing after an affair and requires a reasonable timeframe. That decision is even more difficult than it sounds because it's not just a matter of a choice but, rather, it is a battle that must be fought by will, intention, and clearly defined vision, often for a period of months or years. It takes a great deal of fortitude and tenacity to be willing to engage in this daily battle. For each partner, there can be multiple daily reminders of the catastrophic event. For the betrayed, it could be a name, a song, a scent, the arrival of a cell phone or credit card bill, ads for a topless club, or infidelity in a movie. Even a sighting of a couple having a good time can be enough to send the betrayed spouse down memory lane, which can easily lead to painful memories. For the unfaithful spouse, life is also filled with these reminders. Each time their mate says they want to talk, coming home at night wondering what type of mood their mate may be in, computers, recovery groups, counseling, and many other things can all serve as reminders. It is at this point that the battle in the theater of the mind begins. The greatest distance known to mankind is the eighteen inches between the head and the heart. In fact, it takes up to seven years for truth to move from our head to our heart; but it only takes a lie about three seconds to travel the same distance. At some point in the recovery process, each party must come to the point where they choose to focus on something other than the betrayal and the reminders of that betrayal, where they decide that the event will not define or control the rest of their life. There has to be a conscious choice to move ahead. A Helpful Exercise If you are the unfaithful spouse, you might find this exercise useful: Make an honest attempt this week to list forty separate reminders that your mate might experience on any given day—reminders that could possibly send them down the path to their personal house of horrors. The reason for this is not to shame or condemn. Rather, it is an honest attempt at conveying your true comprehension of their struggle each and every day. It also is a sincere attempt to convey how you are coming to a greater awareness of their struggle. This can be hugely impactful in healing for both of you after infidelity. If you are the betrayed spouse and you believe your mate is becoming a safe person and has moved into recovery, then choosing to no longer be a victim of painful reminders would be a good step toward health. Healing after an affair requires a willingness to fight the battle by attempting to focus on what is good and right and working rather than focusing on the failure or the perpetual reminders of the failure. I want to invite all the betrayed spouses to this year's Hope Rising Conference. Our conference is virtual again this year, which means that you can join in from anywhere! The team has planned a meaningful day filled with hope, encouragement, and practical strategies. I highly encourage you to check out the details for Hope Rising 2021 and see Rick's video below. Our goal is to see you move into an incredible life of meaning, power, and purpose, and although it may not seem like it now, there is hope and a way to get to the other side. In case you've missed it, below is our founder, Rick Reynolds, sharing what Hope Rising is all about: Register Now! We will see you there! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Emotional RegulationFor The Hurt SpouseFor the Unfaithful SpouseRecovery FundamentalsTrauma of InfidelityRL_Media Type: Text
