I Want My Life Back The sound of gunshots and smashing rocks stampeded into the dark night. Just 12 hours earlier a four-foot wall of mud, rocks and trees had smashed through the camp at Wind River Ranch. Thankfully no one had been hurt, but all hands were wielding shovels as we battled to keep the water from capturing our buildings. That was nothing compared to the oblivion created by the second mud slide careening down the slopes of the "Twin Sisters" in Rocky Mountain National Park this past Thursday. In the dark, sprinting for our lives, I thought life might be over. When I signed up for this retreat in Estes Park, Colorado, I never imagined I’d find myself trapped here wondering if I’d ever get out. More about the mudslide later. If you're reading this there's a good chance life hasn't gone the way you figured. As a matter of fact it rarely does. Three weeks ago I found myself yelling at God, "I want my life back!!!" Have you ever felt that way? Tragedy has inundated the past four years for my family. In one fall my father died, I was diagnosed with cancer and went through major surgery, and illness caused my son to drop out of school and return home. But even more painful were the poor choices made by my daughter, which led to prison. The net result has been financial burdens, lost friendships, strained relationships and nagging questions of our role in our daughter’s fall. All of the above has felt like a mudslide crashing though our lives. The net result for me has been chaos; walking around in a daze trying to figure out how to move on. How do I get my life back? I know it's about grieving and acceptance, but this isn't what I had envisioned. At the same time, in my daily prayers I’ve told God that I know these are the perfect circumstances for my growth and that I accept where I'm at. My cry of "I want my life back" came as I was driving to visit my daughter in prison. I love her dearly, but I'm tired of the chaos and I want my "normal" life back. After I logged my complaint to God I heard him reply, "You tell me daily that you accept the circumstances you’re in, but now you're telling me you want your life back. Which is it?" Contemplating that question, I first thought what I wanted back was the order, predictability and security that came with my old life. But, while the pain and suffering were less, the routine had lulled Steph and me into a rut. We were existing well, but were we really living? I began to see that my new life has far more opportunities than the old, but to embrace those opportunities I first had to let go of what was no more. I have to see this as a transition where I let go of what was and prepare for new beginnings. Infidelity also causes transitions. Like a mudslide it forever alters life's canvas, spattering pain until what once was now seems unrecognizable. If you loved your life why wouldn't you covet that old life after it's been forever altered by betrayal or failure? But no amount of screaming "I want my life back" makes it so, it only impedes any forward progress. No one wants to stay eternally stuck, but moving forward first requires letting go of the old. All transitions have three stages. The first is letting go of what was, the second is the stage of "no more, but not yet" and the third is one of new beginnings. In the Christian faith it's referred to as death, burial and resurrection. My God conversation helped me see with new eyes. I really don't want my old life back (it's already gone anyway), I really do want to embrace the new things life has for me, and I'm ready to let go. I realized my life isn't disordered, it has a great deal of predictability. I will spend the next season spending weekends going to see my daughter. I will spend the rest of my life going in for cancer check-ups. But it’s also allowed me to develop new empathy for those with cancer, for families with children in prison, and for parents with children who have conditions. I know what those situations are like and can speak hope into their lives. After seeing the suffering of those in jail, Stephanie found new meaning by expanding the library for the Travis County Jail. While doing that she was shocked at the number of those who couldn't read and drove an effort to set up a new literacy program. I realize that the loss of dreams for your children, cancer, and death doesn't perfectly equate to an affair (even though we've also gone through that one). Regardless of the mudslide in our lives, so much of the solution has to do with letting go and embracing what is. The opportunity to create a new life and a new marriage is at hand. Are you willing to let go of what was and begin to see what can be? What seemed to be gunfire actually were thousands of trees snapping as the weight of the debris accelerated downhill. I lead my little troupe to the middle of camp and eventually the noise faded into the dark. Everyone was alive and breathing, but the landscape had been forever changed. Initially we were all in shock and the reality of the still present danger was indelibly impressed upon us. Everyone moved to staff housing and the staff at Wind River Ranch gave up their beds to the pastors and wives who had come for what they had been told would be an experience of a lifetime. We slept that night while camp staff continued fighting the flood to allow us rest. It reminded me of the amazing people who walked along side us, holding us up, as we tried to recover after the devastation of my affair. Their sacrifice ignited my passion to help others trying to recover from the life altering events of infidelity. It made me hope that those of us in the Affair Recovery community will also stand strong, providing hope and life-giving support for those in need. But maybe what most impressed me was the attitude of the staff. Instead of bemoaning their losses they were already seeing new opportunities. New streams now existed where there never were streams before. Yes the damage was extensive and insurance might not even cover it, but this also provided the opportunity to have new water features for the camp. The ragged scar left by the mudslide was seen as a new aspen grove seeded with wild flowers. Admittedly it might be easier to see possibilities after your property is devastated than it is to see new possibilities after your marriage is devastated by infidelity, but at some point finding joint vision and passion is critical when it comes to moving on. 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