I (who was betrayed) felt the most shame because he didn't want me telling a lot of people what had happened. Being the protector that I am, I protected him from social embarrassment, shame, etc. But no one was protecting me. There is shame in staying, shame in a failed marriage, shame in the idea that "I may have caused this", shame that I wasn't enough for my husband, etc. I feel the betrayed takes on most of the negative emotions....or maybe just in my case.

I was very surprised that I, the betrayed spouse would actually be judged for staying in the marriage and trying to make it work. I lost two good friends because their expectations were that I should leave the marriage and not tolerate such behavior. There have been others that judge from a distance and have pulled away from us mostly because it makes them uncomfortable. I think that our society does not deal with infidelity because it's the "secret sin" that no one wants to address. There are twelve step groups for so many issues but infidelity is something that is poorly addressed and should be recognized as an epidemic. All parties involved are experience shame to some extent. Our media and culture glorifies the "affair partner" as someone that rescues the betrayer from a lousy, sexless marriage. The reality is that many married couples are not "unhappy" or in a sexless marriage but poor boundaries and opportunity opens the door to be unfaithful. My husband and I took vacations, celebrated birthdays, bought a house all while he was with the other woman. Did we have spats and disagreements...sure. That's part of any relationship. Did we live on auto pilot at times...yes. Did he want the marriage to end...no. When the affair was discovered he was devastated at how much he hurt me and never wanted our marriage to end. It has been 3 years up highs and lows and tremendous work and self discovery. It has been an adventure like no other and the true friends that support you and your marriage are a gift. Shame is given power when there is darkness but when a light is allowed to shine on the issue and you can engage in open and non judgmental dialogue then healing can begin.

Rick,

I hope you will share the results of this valuable survey with us in the future.

I only told one other trusted person as well, other than our counsellor. Why didn't I 'out' him?
• I saw his remorse and didn't want to destroy him. I genuinely care for this person.
• But I think I was/am also protecting myself and my children. My children lost their father 20+ years ago and I don't want them to experience another loss - of this man who has been their father-figure for almost as many years.
• When I made the decision to marry this man 5 years ago, there were many who questioned my choice - my pride didn't want them to be proven right.
So, I keep silent. The burden is heavy.

One of the hardest things to deal with! It has been 1.5 yrs since finding out i was betrayed. I have no desire to be in the same social circle for this reason. I also find it very hard to vent about everyday issues with people(family or friends), because i feel like they think i am the one that chose to stay! I feel as though i can see it on their faces that he will do it again!

There is more than enough PERSONAL shame to deal with. We have told very few (maybe 5, including our counselor) people, what we are dealing with. We just want our life back, the way it was (which we know will never happen, but we'd like to get as close as possible), so we have kept the knowledge as close to ourselves as possible, in the hope that people will not treat us/judge us differently. As humans I think we judge people and act accordingly. I know as someone who was married if I heard about infidelity in another couple I was weary of 'getting to close' for fear it might rub off or taint me/us somehow (ridiculous, I know, but it's the truth. Who wants their mate hanging around with someone they know 'condones' infidelity? Even if that is not the case in reality.) I look forward to the results of this survey, but I think it should be more in depth and attempt (if that's even possible) to distinguish PERSONAL SHAME from SOCIAL SHAME.

I think it would be interesting to explore the relationship between time and shame. Initially, I was proud of my desire to stay married and work things out, although very few people knew what was going on. As time goes by with little progress and little observable effort on my husband's part, I am quite ashamed/embarrassed to admit that my marriage is worse now than it was at the time of initial discovery. My shame is related more to our lack of progress and my faith/stupidity than to my husband's initial actions. I imagine if our marriage was recovering that my answer might be different. Also, I believe feeling shame due to choosing to remain married is completely different from the shame one feels when betrayed by a spouse.

Shame is ever-present for a male BS. I'm a proud successful man... except for one area. My wife betrayed me after 25 years and two children with an old high school boyfriend rediscovered on facebook. I've protected her significantly, very few people know besides our counselor, a couple family members and her friends who enabled her. I often regret not exposing more, including our adult sons. They have had to witness some of the symptoms and consequences without knowing the cause. Not exposing allowed lingering deceit, continuing fog. I feel tremendous shame staying with her after the abuse and betrayal suffered, even though I think it is still the right thing to do. Clear remorse, repentance, empathy for what she put me through would make the shame more tolerable. Sometimes it appears she has no shame...on the surface. I am uncomfortable in a social setting with her friends that I believe are aware. It has been difficult to find out who all really knows as she has not been forthcoming with most information associated with the affair.

"She felt social shame not because of something she had done but, because she was now part of a shameful marriage instead of a respectable one."

This is exactly how I felt and still feel. Other than our counsellors, family dr and best friends, no one knows. I did not "out" him as I have children to protect and did not want them to bear their father's shame.