Using the Time Well: Try the First Steps Bootcamp Have you ever had a torn rotator cuff? I have, and I mistakenly believed that if I carefully protected my injured shoulder it would heal on its own. After four months of self-directed therapy, I finally came to the distinct conclusion that this injury would require surgery to repair. The old saying “time heals all wounds” isn’t really true, especially when we’re talking about healing after an affair. Time alone can often times make things worse, and time alone will never create change. What you do with the time is what really matters. Infidelity is one of those situations where choosing to do nothing only makes things worse for all parties. Yesterday while talking to one of our mentor couples, I asked, “In retrospect, what did you not know that you needed to know after the affair was discovered?” The betrayed spouse first said that she wished she’d realized the affair was not about her and that she wasn’t powerless to heal. She said had she known this, it would’ve allowed her to focus on real issues rather than trying to control her husband’s choices. If she didn’t cause it, then she had very little leverage to control the outcome. She could, however, control her response and her own progress. I then asked, “What was the least productive thing you did after discovery?” She said her rage was her most problematic reaction. She told me her first response was to try to make him hurt as badly as she was hurting. She said, “I gave myself permission to begin hitting him to make him hurt like me. I wanted to punish him rather than exploring what I needed to do to move forward.” She added, “Not only did it not make me feel better, but it kept me from moving forward because I was trapped playing the role of executioner.” Anger and revenge are common roadblocks for healing after an affair. The one thing her husband could see in retrospect was that getting the truth out was necessary before they could begin to heal. He said that the least productive thing he did was beating himself up with guilt and shame rather than beginning to explore answers as to why he did it and what they could do now. He said, “All I could think about was me and how bad I’d screwed up rather trying to discover how I’d gotten here in the first place and what I needed to do to keep from repeating my mistakes.” He said that he now sees how beating himself up was only effective as long as he felt the pain, but if he’d begun to explore what was driving him he could have cut months off their recovery time. Again, it’s not simply the passage of days into weeks that will heal. You must use the time well and always press towards change. Next week we’re releasing a new program that is not only free, but revolutionary. The First Steps Bootcamp is a free 7 day program to help you get on the right path for recovery. One may wonder “Rick, seriously, 7 days? What can happen in 7 days? Don’t you get how messed up and stuck we are?” Of course I do. This First Steps Bootcamp contains all the tools I use to help stabilize couples who come to my office after the discovery of infidelity. I’m not saying you’ll be healed in 7 days, but you will at least understand what healing looks like and the necessary steps it takes to get there. While you and your spouse may be apprehensive, I would encourage you to give your marriage and yourself 7 days. After all you’ve already been through, what’s the worst that could happen? The last thing anyone wants to do is make things worse, and we want to help you spend your time well. We hope you see significant change and finally find a glimmer of hope for your situation. We will be releasing the First Steps Bootcamp next Wednesday, September 24 and I sincerely hope you’ll give it a chance to work in your life and in your recovery. Make sure to watch for the newsletter next week! The First Steps Bootcamp can change the course of your recovery. Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: For The Hurt SpouseFor the Unfaithful SpouseHandling DiscoveryRecovery FundamentalsRL_Media Type: Text
