Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

How to Not Make Things Worse: Stonewalling

A few years ago, we did a “Barriers to Communication” Survey. We were overwhelmed by the response, leaving us with scads of information for future articles and program development. The #1 barrier to communication identified by couples impacted by infidelity was stonewalling, followed by anger.

How to Not Make Things Worse Stonewalling

While anger comes as no surprise given the devastation created by betrayal, I didn’t expect stonewalling to come in first (and by quite a majority too).

Stonewalling is a total refusal to listen to, respond to or accept influence from your mate. If ever there was a time communication is critical, it’s during the crisis of infidelity.

Stonewalling doesn’t necessarily end at refusal to speak or listen to your mate; it can also be listening with contempt or total distain.

If you’re dealing with a ‘Stonewaller,’ you’ve probably heard statements like the following:  

  1. “Leave me alone”
  2. “I don’t want to hear it”
  3. “I don’t want to hear what you think/feel anymore”
  4. “Go talk to someone who cares”
  5. “Do whatever you want”
  6. “We’ve talked about this enough already, I’m done talking”

At Affair Recovery we stress the need to have rational conversations verses flooded conversations. For that to occur, safety in communication is essential. The subjective realities and opinions of both parties are necessary if shared meaning is ever to be developed. As humans we all want to feel we matter to our mate, that they care about us and that they are going to be there for us.

Stonewalling shuts off the critical conversations necessary to reestablish the foundations of relationship.

As I write this I can only imagine how some might say that they don’t care about their mate’s perspective, but that attitude only shows contempt. According to Gottman’s research​1, contempt is the number one indicator of couples heading toward divorce. Gottman talks about this in the video at the end of the article. For couples to reconnect they have to feel they matter to their mate. Good decisions require both parties contribute to the collective pool of meaning. Failure to do so smothers recovery. That being said, it’s easy to see why stonewalling generates such a barrier to communication.

If stonewalling is a problem in your relationship, see if you can identify the root of your response from the following list:

1.  Emotional flooding:

When conversations become unsafe our fight or flight response is triggered. For those who tend to flee, stonewalling is the response of choice. In these situations stonewalling becomes a method of self-soothing as the person floods. It’s almost as if they stick their fingers in their ears, shutting the other person out in hopes of calming down. These individuals tend to be like turtles who withdraw into their shells. If however they’re married to a partner who also floods but whose natural response is to fight, then the couple become a bit like a turtle and a shark. The turtle withdraws into its shell while the shark is on the outside screaming “come out of there!” Both are deprived of what they need to heal.

2.  Keeping the peace:

Sometimes people stonewall because they feel it’s just not worth the conflict if they speak up. It’s easier to remain silent than to speak up and add their perspective to the pool of knowledge. While this approach might promote short-term peace, it is a death knell in the coffin of marriage. Intimacy is the ability to be naked and not ashamed. It’s a willingness to speak up and share your perspective. Without your contribution to the conversation the best decision can never be reached. Two thirds of the time intimacy in marriage creates short-term instability rather than peace, but in the long run it creates a powerful bond. You can never be loved unconditionally as long as you only conditionally allow your mate to know you.

3.  Aggression:

Pain that is not transformed will be transmitted and at times stonewalling is the vehicle for transmitting that pain. Either spouse can use stonewalling as a way to deny their mate another chance. This is especially effective if their mate is remorseful for what they’ve done and is asking for a second chance. The most effective way to inflict pain in this situation is to deny their attempts at reconciliation. Aggression can also be played out through stonewalling by refusing to even respond to your spouse’s anger or pain. It’s a destructive approach to attempt to rush restoration efforts through aggressive tactics or by attempting to hurry a spouse into forgiveness or trusting them again. Sadly, this is where many a bridge is burned through aggressive comments like “you just need to get over it.”

4.  Defensiveness:

At times the conflict seems so overwhelming that the only solution seems to be responding with anger or shutting it out through stonewalling. They fail to see that there are other responses such as assertiveness or emotional regulation. It’s absolutely vital to have some diffusing mechanisms in place to help prevent each potentially fragile discussion from turning into a slug fest of rage.

5.  Shame/humiliation:

The pain generated by shame or humiliation can also be a catalyst for stonewalling. Talking about the subject is far too painful so they respond with silence in hopes of shutting down the conversation. For the unfaithful, shame not only grows, but flourishes in dark places and its only medicine is to bring it to the light in a redemptive way. When shame is discussed in a way that is restorative, it paves the way to disarm its momentum which can then foster not only open communication, but also healing for both spouses.

6.  Frustration:

Frequently frustration drives stonewalling. While it may block their goal of resolution it seems preferable to speaking without being heard or believed. Feeling misunderstood and unheard leaves people feeling unloved with little motivation for speaking up and sharing their reality. This situation is frequently created when the hurt spouse continually asks the same questions over and over. The unfaithful spouse must understand that the reason their mate continually asks the same questions is because they want to believe you, but it just doesn’t make sense. They keep asking the same question in hopes that they can understand.

For the hurt spouse, stonewalling creates fear. If our survey repealed anything, it was that stonewalling on the part of the unfaithful spouse continues to generate suspicion in the hurt spouse that there’s more going on that they still don’t know everything. Stonewalling in the betrayed spouse creates hopelessness and a belief that things can never be worked out, so why try anyway.

If stonewalling is a problem in your communication, begin by first identifying why you or your mate stonewall. Next week we’ll discuss ways to remove the barrier of stonewalling. At our EMS Weekend, we start the entire weekend with a session entitled “Barriers to Recovery.” Stonewalling doesn’t have to be the end of your communication, marriage or restoration process. It’s not as hopeless as it seems my friends.



1Gottman PhD, John. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail…and How You Can Make Yours Last. New York: First Fireside Edition registered trademark of Simon & Schuster Inc., 1995. Print.



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Again, Rick, you have nailed it ! This is EXACTLY where my husband and I are stuck. Thank you for continuing to share your valuable insight and experience to couples, like us, who are trying to reconcile and heal.


As I read this ... I feel my case I the unique the " common" stuff doesn't apply or help me. After 12 years of dealing with my hubby having a continues affair.. I feel no one can help me or us. When I gently confront him on new evidence that the affair still is happening ( though he assures me it's not) he calms up won't talk about it or us.. He " sweeps" it under the rug. He won't answer simple questions like : are you still involved or communicating with her ? He ignores me . He will talk to me about our kids issues etc. Kiss me on the forehead good bye. But no I loves you ( which he does often when he knows he is not being busted ) all will I get an emotional twister inside. Until I get a hold of my own emotions enough to bury them to act like nothing ever happen then he goes back to his old loving self and life goes on. But I am tired n worn out I am more then forgiving and loving and willing to work thru all his issues and ours but I feel be never wants to talk when we r in crisis... Like his in denial. He says he doesn't ant divorce but doesn't stop this affair behavior. So is he stone walling me?


This sounds so much like my husband and he is in denial. I have so much proof but he still denies. He still lies and has lied to our kids and they know it. Two of our 3 daughters will have nothing to do with him. This is the icing on the cake after years of walking on eggshells. These are passive aggressive personality individuals or emotional abusers. My husband has stuffed his emotions down so there is very little conscience.
He does not want to answer to no one. He has so many friends but not one true friend. They are cruel and they blame everyone else for their
problems. They are never happy and live with eternal misery. Most of the time their upbringing is the cause for this. It is a learned behavior and and like alcoholism, they have to recognize it to change it. Hard to do. I have and continually pray for God to give me the strength and wisdom to do the right thing. I don't want a divorce but I will not live with dishonesty any longer. He just stays in the basement like everything is ok. It is so sad and his mother still enables him. I realize now I have been a rescuer to him all these years. I have stopped enabling him hoping for him to wake up. So far nothing. Look up passive aggressive on internet. There are all kinds of information.

Same boat

This is his 3rd affair in 20 years! This time he won’t discuss it at all. He’s seeking help! I don’t know what’s wrong with him! All he tells me he has to change his thoughts and it’s hard! Hard to break up with the 31 years old he’s going to be 50? He’s has aged and did plastic surgery and Botox to look young for her! But he change his wrinkly skin and balding hairline! He was going to do hair restoration but didn’t bc it’s painful!
Now what! I am supposed to be ok he’s seeing and communicating with her after I caught them driving to their secret place at 11:30 pm! She knows he married with 2 girls but that doesn’t stop her or him!
Is it bc I forgave him and he knows I won’t leave so he’s taking advantage of me?
He constantly seeking and asking if I love him! He feels me I love you but he says is it to her too! I cracked his phone PIN n WhatsApp PIN- he has gotten smarter and not use his phone but the app!
I am praying for God to heal me and for God fo work and mold me! I can track him, snoop etc but I can’t change him.
Now I am working on me .
I am on the weir list for the hope session! I need it! I haven’t stopped crying bc of the pain I am going thru! It’s hard! I can only live day by day

Great article

One of the most helpful I've read.



We've both done in this process, but I'd say him more than me. He is the unfaithful one and when I am upset he turns it on me. He says "I'll just give you the divorce you want" and "You will never trust me again so what's the point?" and "You don't think this is worth it." We've been working hard. He has had NC but yesterday I found through looking at our cell records online he was texting the other woman's mother, probably the other woman on her mom's phone, for up to two hours the night before last. He insists those messages never got to his phone. I scoffed at that and said "what you think you've been hacked." which was great because now he has an excuse. A talk with our phone carrier and it turns out he could have been hacked and these people could be playing tricks on us, but I still don't believe him. He's lied to me for years -- this time is no different. So, yes, I am stonewalling reconciliation out of fear and out of self protection and out of the need to protect my seven year old son from a father I see as a liar.


How can I stop doing this? I am the unfaithful one in this case. It ended 3 years ago, she found out 3 months ago, working towards understanding this all.
I am COMPLETELY transparent and completely 100% responsible for what I did to our family. I am committed to winning her back.
I said these things last night.
I'll leave if that is what you need"
"You will never trust me again so why would you want to live the rest of your life with me?"
"You don't think this is worth it."

She says such hurtful things to me, which I completely deserve, but it continues to chip away of my hope for reconciliation.
I withdraw, essentially exhibiting a form of Stonewalling.
From one that has been hurt, what does she need me to do during these moments? Please tell me that she doesn't really mean or believe what she says is true in her heart.


If you want it to get better, you need to remember the pain she feels is new every day. Every single time she thinks about it. She needs your apologies as often as it takes for her to understand you mean it. With the comments you've made, you're telling her you just want it to be in the past. You want to stop dealing with the consequences of what you've done. That's not the same a making repairs to get for the pain you've caused. Right now, she's not just questioning the time of your marriage during the affair, she's questioning the whole marriage. She was living the same marriage and it never occurred to her to cheat. She's thinking every single moment of your marriage is a lie. It will take time. You have to accept that her body is rejoicing the pain every time she thinks about it. And she is surrounded by reminded of you. That's a reminder of the affair. Even a one night stand is going to hurt, but it can take a long time for her body to heal from the damage caused by the betrayal. Her system is literally in over load. That takes time to heal. Stay there, stop defending, stop deflecting, stop telling her you just want it over. To her, that's not going to be over for a long time. Ask her, without anger, what she needs from you at that moment. If she can't give you an answer, sit there with her and tell her you're just going stay there until she feels better. Don't walk out and don't blame her for being hurt. You can't cut someone to the bone and just hand them a band aid. She needs more, not less.

If she's still there, she's trying. Stop trying to end your pain by making her stop talking about it. If she's still talking to you, she's not done with the relationship yet.


I bet most of the people that are unfaithful have passive aggressive personalies like my husband. He won't discuss any issues regarding our marriage and his unfaithfulness at all. They don't like to resolve anything. They think they will lose control. If I try to bring up anything, he gets so defensive. He says he don't want a divorce, but when they refuse to open up, they are really saying "Here I am, take it or leave it." They blame everyone but themselves for their character deficiencies. If anyone has any ideas at all other than getting a divorce, please let me know.

This Stonewalling they do.

One more comment---My husband says he don't have to answer to no one. The affair is over and that is it. He just wants me to pretend everything is ok just like his mom did. He tells me if I want a divorce that is fine, he does not. How cruel can you get? I feel so stuck because I don't have the money to move out and he will not. He stays in the basement and I stay upstairs. I hate the fact that I live in a no fault state where the innocent one pays all the way around.

Uh oh

Gottman is right on...and that video pointed just how much of a critic I am. Te to start looking for the good. Hopefully that gives my relationship a better chance to survive.


I am the shark in our relationship. I display a gambit of emotions. I cry uncontrollably, I shame my unfaithful spouse, I make fun of him, I am sarcastic. When I become critical he says NOTHING. He says he deserves the way in which I hurt him, and that "he can take it for a while". Afterwards he goes to bed. I feel anxiety every time I see him getting in bed. Since I relocated so we can finally be together, we live in a hotel. We are renting our house and I put what I had left of our possessions in a storage unit. He goes to work at 5:00 a.m. and gets back at 4:00 p.m., we have dinner and then he gets in bed at 7:00 p.m. I do not have any friends, I go to bible study once a week, but I could hardly spill my guts out. I was really close to my grandchildren and derived a lot of pleasure from my relationship with them. My unfaithful spouse says that our marriage was always crappy. Pretty encouraging. I am committed to save our marriage but have very little hope. His sexual behaviors online range from emotional affairs with somebody he met two years ago and went looking for her again, and found her. And had so many women that he was involved with that he doesn't even remember all he did. When I got here it took him one month to stop contacting his AP. So, yes I am angry. I feel that I am insane. Do I want this marriage to work?, yes, but it seems that at the moment the only thing I am doing is sabotaging it.


Rick & Co.:
I missed taking the survey but I'm so glad you are sharing the results!!!! I'm not surprised at the results! Stonewalling by my husband for probably 4 out of the 6 reasons given has definitely led me to stonewall in frustration myself.
I've come to terms with it all - I know I cannot make my my husband want to open up with me and either I live with that or I move on. It took me about 3-4 years to come to terms with that, I've grieved for the past few more years, and once I can figure out how to afford divorce and also how to get past the potential effects on my teen kids, and the time away from my kids as a "split family" I will be able to move on. The problem is my husband stonewalls on all issues and financial matters are very precarious for me because of his lack of concern about financial management (the longer I've stayed the more I've lost).

Much of the anger I had to let go of was from trying to breakdown the walls. So I stopped trying to bust his walls -
The relief is allowing me to heal from the betrayal - finally....
I can finally accept the demise of the marriage...
Now it's just pragmatics.
I lost my husband so long ago I don't even miss him anymore...
Very sad - but the reality is I did everything I could.

"I can't make you love me if you don't."
I'm sorry I lost so many years trying...

My Unhealthy Responses

This article really helped me to pinpoint my two "go to" responses when dealing with emotional pain and conflict in relationships (not just marriage). I typically emotionally flood when hurt and also try to keep the peace if a disagreement arises that I don't feel capable of handling. I think these have been my responses to conflict my entire life due to the emotional dysfunction in my family growing up. Reading this article made me realize I need to be more confident in asking people I love the simple question "Is there something we need to discuss? If so, I am willing to do what it takes to work it out." Thank you so much for your article this week, Rick. It was very helpful.

Stonewalling .....

Since the D-Day, I am still trying to cope with it. Some days are good, and some are bad.
I really would like to move on and throw everything behind me and start anew. But the very thought of his actions, and he has done with that woman over 2 years shattered me.
Than it is another uphill task again.
My husband said he has completely blokced her out of his memory, while I keep reminding him about it.
This is where we go into stonewalling.... I am aware of it, but I cannot help myself. Those are sentences I said eg leave me alone. But I also asked myself for how long....
I dare not go and see a therepist, as I feel it is an weakness on my part to allow others to control my life. And in the process I would be washing a lot of dirty linen to the therapist.
Neither do I want to continue living like this feeling miserable, than I am good enough and feeling sorry for myself, as I am so shattered in my outlook of myself. By the way, she was a sweet young half his age of 58.
I have depended heavily on your articles to help myself going through this....cannot go to church too, as his image in the public eyes would be shattered as well. 2 wrongs cannot make a right, so here goes, I am suffering in silence.

You must go to Rick

You must go to Rick or one of the people here. Talk online or on the phone if you can't get there. I am 18 months out now. And I went through everything you are. You must get validation for how wonderful you are, and not feel this way in silence. Please please talk to someone here. I have made it to the other side already, knowing that our marriage is stronger now because of the affair. Please get help here you are NOT alone...

When Stonewalling is a Personality Trait

My husband has always stonewalled, while I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel like my life with him is like a carnival game. I'm throwing darts at balloons hoping to hit the one he wants me to hit, the one with the prize underneath. I have no idea how to make him happy though I have tried. His reason for his affair was simply "I haven't been happy in 10 years." Well, over those 10 years, I've seen him as a black hole, sucking everything in, while I had no idea where it was going or if it was making a difference. Stonewalling, as a communications strategy is a pretty poor choice...because ultimately, nobody is happy.

Stonewalling as Communication

Anytime I communicate and am transparent with my spouse, he doesn't listen, gets angry and defensive, and verbally mean and condescending, resorting to an all out attack. Leaving me feel like I have just lived through a hurricane. The aftermath, me feeling angry and resentful that when I am honest and transparent it is definitely not going to get me anywhere. I resort to stonewalling because of this, as a means of self-protection. I am tired of being hurt over and over verbally, because verbal communication is supposed to be the means to being able to make some headway, right? What else do I do in this position? I do not feel that it helps in the least to go through this over and over.

I need to stop stonewalling

I need to stop stonewalling my husband, but I have no idea how to stop! There's been no infidelity, but I just have a hard time telling him my thoughts. I love him dearly, so I don't believe it's because I've fallen out of love. I have anxiety and I'm a hyper-sensitive person, and my husband has a TBI which can cause him to get very loud and in your face when he's angry.. I just want our marriage to last, so I need to learn to feel comfortable expressing how I feel..

I also need to stop stonewalling.

Hi I’m the same predicament i stonewall to avoid a very personal topic that will be hard and emotional but it has got to the point we’re I’m being cruel and dishonest to my mate and myself, I no longer have a life because I avoid the subject at all costs, iv been stonewalling for two solid years now and I’m desperate to get out of the habit. I think everyday I can do it later or not yet, i end up giving up until I pluck up the courage to break the habit for good and communicate what I need to without overthinking the emotions I feel but I back out at the last minute. I think because iv have waited so long and done this so many times I’m only making it harder for myself. I know I’m just waistline our time together so I have to find a way to break the cycle. I love my husband but iv always found it hard when it comes to opening my heart. Letting go of control and losing face seems like such a mountain a steep climb that will be hard work but the hard work will mean I can be happy with my husband again. Breaking the ice is the biggest hurdle.

Stonewalling because everything else is lies

I get it. I get stonewalling does not help in communication. I have learned, in my situation, that thisvis my only choice. I have had the open communication, therapy only to have him cheat again and again. My spouse slept with 6 women that I know of two years ago. My husband has many addictions binge alcohol abuse, gambling and I belueve sex addictions. If he drinks he goes to a casino and never comes home without a phone number on his phone. It is a pattern. I am tired. People think it is so easy to just leave but believe me I WOULD IF I COULD. I get to be betrayed over and over again. I honestly think my spouse is bipolar. Can anyone relate. I feel so hopeless.

HI TR...

i'm sorry you're in such pain.  i guess the obvious question is why can't you leave or why can't you file for divorce and stop the cycle?  i'm sorry it feels so hopeless.  there is a way through and out, but it will (in your situation specifically) take a strategy.  either way i'm glad you're on the site and here.  

Relate? Yes!

Yes! I can relate to all of it! I realized my husbands addiction to gambling a few years after we were married. I never saw him, didn’t come home at night, let me wondering why he didn’t show up when he just told me he was in his way home. He didn’t care about me in any way, only himself and addiction. Then, I was away in another state for three months with my mom while she died. I came home in October 2014 devasted from the loss of my mom. Skip to 2/14/2017, I get a knock on my door from a prostitute, she tells me she is my husband hooker and has been in an affair with him for almost 3 years, she then informed me that he hired her when my mom was dying and she was in MY bed in MY room in MY private space while I was gone. She then proceeded to tell me he is now using meth! This 56 yo man started using street drugs that she brought into his life. Oh, did I mention she told me I need to get to the doctor and get tested for STDs immediately, then asked me for money for her telling me.

At that moment my life was shattered! Drugs and prostitutes! I immediately drove over to his office and kicked him out of house., I changed locked, out all his stuff in garage.

I hated this man more than anything in my life. I didn’t see him for three months. I went to counseling and she told me he was a sick man, I needed to look at home with compassion, not hate. Why? His childhood was so abusive, something snapped in him.

Fast forward to today. He went through rehab and we started again, until last week when he moved back home. Found out he has been with two prostitutes again in last month and relapsed into meth. He said it was because we were not living as man and wife even though we have been talking about moving home and starting over for months, we weren’t, so it is ok??? No, it is not ok. I am completely shattered again by this addict and he doesn’t care about anybody, but himself and addictions. I am an emotional mess and a fool for thinking he really wanted this marriage to work. I am still trying to understand what he did last year and he has just added to that devastation.

You are not alone, I feel and understand everything you are going through. My marriage is pretty much over, I don’t think I will ever be able to believe him again. I can’t imagine even kissing this man again, it makes me sick. This just happened two days ago, so I need to figure it out. I am such an emotional mess, I right now can’t even talk to him... too fresh.

I am hoping to join the next harboring hope class, I really need that right now, I hope you consider joining it too.

Good luck to you... we don’t deserve this crap!

I can certainly relate TR and

I can certainly relate TR and I feel your pain. Whether a symptom or cause of the sex addiction, the presence bipolar disorder plays a major role. It certainly did with our marriage. There are certain indicators to the AP suffering from bipolar disorder, some evident, some rather subtle and unfortunately, unless you’ve done the research, most put them down to personality traits. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make the problem go away, however it may help your pain a little knowing that although what they did was certainly wrong, and the disorder takes nothing away from your hurt; they did what they did because they were sick, not evil


We both stonewall. I do not believe a word he says because it has so far turned out to not be the truth. Every week for the last 18 months it's been a different story when I ask questions. He is stonewalling because he is ashamed to tell me the whole truth. He wants to hide and not even admit to himself the horrible things that he has done. He wants to just say he won't ever do it again and it only makes it worse to talk about it he wants for me to say that is OK. It's not OK I want to know what the relationship was. Not the gory sexting on phone. He usually has to tell me that when he is mad. I want to know what was going on emotionally. Why he would tell her he loved her why he would call her on phone for hours in middle of night. I know he didn't have sex all the hours. He has never fully disclosed what it was all about. Just says it was real life porn. That is not explantain. I just can't seem to get past it. The why will never be answered. Sorry for rant

Editorial comment (sorry, but I am being a critic)

"If our survey repealed anything...." should probably read "If our survey revealed anything....".


I don't see any topics here on the infidelity issues of abuse. What if you have a spouse that cheated on you repeatedly after 17 years but always threatens to take your kids away so you stay also even if you ask for a separation they say no they're not leaving and you can lead and the kids will stay with him. Every time I try to talk about something that hurt me because of his infidelity all he does is turn it around on me and tell me everything I've done wrong and then end up somehow calling me names and things. I just don't want to hurt my kids but I know I need to leave the situation is there any advice anywhere for the situations like this

stonewalling. my betrayed wife continues to do this.

Hi. Thank you for the articles and videos, they are helpful

My betrayed spouse has been stonewalling me now for more than 5 weeks she has moved out and refuses any type of communication with me. Her normal pattern when she's upset with me is to Stonewall me the don't touch me don't come near me don't talk to me doesn't communicate with me for days. This time she's taking it to the ultimate level by removing herself from our home and refusing any and all communication with me except for anything Financial I don't know what to do. I have attempted to reach out to her and ask her to engage in some kind of discussion in order to try to heal our relationship but she refuses. Her response to me by email is I'm not ready and actually have nothing to say. Any advice on how to proceed?

Admittedly when I flood anger sometimes erupts in me and I yell and break things in Rage this occurred the day that she left. I would assume that her response of stonewalling is so she does not have to go through that again. I have been getting counseling on my anger and how to control it. How can I get my spouse to re-engage with me?

I am in the same boat. I am

I am in the same boat. I am trying to give my BS space as he requested it but then he texts me in a rage about all of the awful things I've done, how awful I am. I acknowledge he is upset with me, apologize, and take responsibility for my actions. He asks questions, I answer and then get accused of trickle truthing but he refuses a full productive in person discussion. He goes to his friends and they say divorce is our best bet with no consideration of any other option. I do not expect or ask reconciliation from him yet, only to talk through it and consider all options.

Curious as to what you were able to work out/if anyone has advice? Feeling very lost.

the perfect stonewaller

If only I heard the comments you mention a stonewaller gives, but my husband has it down to a tee, he won't even comment. A perfect stonewaller is silent almost completely and definitely whenever something important needs to be discussed, relationally. I have observed him stonewall others, and often it comes across as arrogance, as a "you're not good enough for me to even have a conversation with" mentality. The most they might be lucky enough to get out of him is 1 word comments or comments that passively tell the other person to quit trying and go away.


My ex and I got divorced because I found him cheating from the beginning of us dating and through out our short marriage. I found out about 15 months into our marriage that he actually had slept with at least three women, had an emotional affair with an ex gf that had involved sexual contact and had been involved on numerous sex sites and dating apps. I was pregnant with our second child. I was so hurt. At first I tried to stifle my feelings then, I tried to talk and ai was calm but he told me to just get over it. I became infuriated. He continued contact with his affair partner, ex gf from school. In January 2018 I divorced him. He of coyrse went to be with his AP. Then as my die date approached he came back insisting he wanted me and would change. I gave it another chance and of course he tefused to look at this website, refused any website speaking of help toward healing. No surprise he continued cheating every couple of months caught talking to women emotionally, sexting. I had no self esteem, I just stayed but was always angry. He continued for several more years. Until 2022 he was willing to give me access to his phone, passwords, putting a pin on his phone so he cant access adult websites. But he still contacts his ex afdair prtner at lest three times a year. Im really mad, he says he doesnt have romantic love but I caught him telling her he wished he had stayed with her and made a mistake choosing me. I just want to quit. Although he has made some progress its not alot in the grand scheme of things. He still refuses to not form close friendships with opposite sex at work. I just feel like he is a waste of time and I have wasted my time. Any advice on how to move forward and on with my life. Financially Im strapped. I have helped him buys cars, a house solely in his name. And he isnt very good with saving his money and Ive had to step in and save him which has drained me of any savings. Right now I cannot rock the boat, I feel like I have to lie or he will kick me out and I will have nothing. But I am so emotionally distraught living with him. He was caught in November 2023 writing his ex AP againstating how he missed her and wished he chose her because he was mad I wouldnt loan him money. Im in such anguish. I feel like I could just die, but I have my kids.

What type of affair was it?

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