Surviving Infidelity: The #1 Challenge to Recovery One of the most frustrating issues when recovering from betrayal trauma is the ongoing emotional flooding that comes from the loss, deception, reminders, and intrusive thoughts. Long after a couple commits to work on the marriage, a fire-breathing trauma-dragon will raise its head and scorch the little progress they make. I call it a dragon because this type of trauma appears as if from nowhere for a ruthless surprise attack. This dragon of trauma is difficult to describe, so it can seem imaginary to those around you who don't know this kind of pain. For you though, it feels so big and so impossible to manage that recovery often seems utterly hopeless. Harboring Hope registration opens soon. Subscribe to be notified. Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it! Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Bear with me for a couple of minutes while I cover some brain basics. Several weeks ago, I was asked how the release of dopamine in our brains creates an intense need for more. The process is very similar to a drug addiction which tells the brain you must have that pleasurable experience to survive. Those who are addicted and those who are traumatized are influenced by the same primitive part the brain, the amygdala. The amygdala is part of the "downstairs brain" and is in charge of our fight, flight, or freeze reaction. It functions much like the brain of a reptile. If you've ever owned a reptile, you know they are incapable of relationship. They are about two things: what they can eat and what can eat them. I'm told that if an alligator isn't hungry and feels no sense of danger, it's safe to approach that reptile, although I am certainly not going to try it! If that alligator is hungry or senses danger, however, they will attack even someone, even if they have been feeding it for years. To the alligator, there is no relationship. The amygdala stores memories and images, and it constantly watches for anything that may pose a threat. Unfortunately, we don't know what has been imprinted as a trigger for the fight, flight, or freeze response. The "upstairs brain" includes the cerebral cortex and allows us to think before we act. It is the part of the brain that is responsible for higher-level processes such as rational thinking, reasoning, and impulse control. Now, let's break down how your brain processes a potential threat using both the downstairs brain and the upstairs brain: I was walking my daughter's dog last week through my favorite park when she stirred up a snake that was sunning itself. I saw the snake out of the corner of my eye, and before I knew it, I had jumped and twisted about two feet in the air. I scared the lady behind me when I screamed like an eight year old! When first I saw the snake, my downstairs brain, which is constantly on guard, triggered my sympathetic nervous system (the emotional accelerator). In 1/200 of a second, adrenaline was released, my heart rate jumped to over 100 beats per minute, and I leaped out of harm's way. Next, my upstairs brain analyzed the type of snake to determine whether it posed a risk. If the pre-frontal cortex (in the upstairs brain) perceives no danger, it triggers the parasympathetic nervous system which operates as the brakes on our emotional system. This alarm system is crucial for the survival of our species. What would happen if, instead of immediately reacting, we were to stand there trying to discern the type of snake and whether it posed a risk? We'd have two fang marks and a loved one calling 911 long before we could determine whether we should jump out of the way. Instinctive reactions increase our odds of survival in the wild, but they are not always so helpful in day-to-day life. The downstairs brain is constantly adapting to its present environment. Circumstances where there is fear, pain, shame, guilt, disrespect, insults, physical danger, and/or injury are just a few examples of what the downstairs brain watches out for in order to survive. This system is dependent on the upstairs brain being able to make sense of what is happening so it can send the other parts of the brain the appropriate signals to calm you down. This survival system tends to hum along just fine until we experience trauma. Here's where the severity of this process sets in. Severe trauma overloads the pre-frontal cortex (in the upstairs brain) and effectively cuts the brake line to the parasympathetic nervous system, leaving us like a car with the accelerator stuck on the floorboard and no ability to brake. The trauma of infidelity, more often than not, produces this effect. Our downstairs brain, always on watch, will spot a reminder of the infidelity and trigger the sympathetic nervous system, setting off overwhelming, emotional flooding all over again. The trauma of the betrayal makes it very difficult for that person to utilize the upstairs brain in order to regain control in that moment. Without a plan to eventually shift focus and diffuse these reminders, the future of the marriage (and individual recovery) is not only painful and overwhelming, it's also uncertain. I believe that even a basic understanding of how our brain works can be a powerful tool in recovery. Understanding the realities of the trauma caused by infidelity and what can be done to heal can equip you to move forward in your recovery journey, albeit slowly. So, be gracious to yourself and respectful to each other. If you are a wayward spouse and in need of support and a structured process, I would encourage you to check out the Hope for Healing Online Course. It was developed by Rick Reynolds, LCSW, a leading expert who has dedicated his life work to infidelity recovery. Additionally, you'll receive incredible support from our trained group leaders who have been right where you are. Your small group's shame-free environment will help you build the authentic community you've been craving. Please check it out at the Affair Recovery website under the programs tab. Harboring Hope registration opens soon. Subscribe below to be notified. "I just completed the Harboring Hope program. My husband was unfaithful to me emotionally, physically and sexually with a co-worker. What I wished I would've known is that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. People who refuse to forgive can never live their own lives, they are too busy obsessing about the life of the one who hurt them. They are stuck. They are unable to enjoy friends, family or even their children. They imprison themselves in a bondage of their own making. I definitely recommend the Harboring Hope program as a support for healing. To be in a safe community with other women who know what you're going through and how you're feeling is comforting. Whether you're able to reconcile or not, there is hope." - M., Michigan | HH Participant, April 2021. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Sections: Must ReadNewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Emotional RegulationFor The Hurt SpouseFor the Unfaithful SpouseIntrusive ThoughtsRecovery FundamentalsTrauma of InfidelityRL_Media Type: Text
