When to Save a Marriage After Infidelity Continue Your Healing With EMS Online! Registration Opens Soon. Spots fill up quickly, so you won't want to wait to register for EMSO! To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! At Affair Recovery, we're committed to helping people heal as individuals and as couples. But how does one know whether it's worth the effort, pain, and commitment to pursue restoration? Before couples attend our EMS Weekend or take one of our online courses, I'm often asked: "When is it worth the effort to work things out, and when is it best to just move on?" It's an excellent question, so how do you begin answering it? Dr. Laura Schlessinger talks about the three A's as reasons to end a marriage: abuse, addiction, and affairs. In these circumstances, the betrayer has chosen something other than the marriage, and I fully agree with this concept. The betrayal of a marriage is no small matter, and surviving infidelity is not easy. For many, infidelity is the most devastating and painful event in their lives; however, leaving a marriage after an affair to escape the pain and loss of self-respect is not always the answer, nor is it easy. It is possible that, in a strange way, the crisis created by the betrayal might provide the right environment for healthy change. Recognizing and Understanding Your Baggage There's an old saying: "Those who fail to learn from their past mistakes are destined to repeat them." It's true. There is no action that either spouse could have committed that would justify any of the three A's. At the same time, no person is guiltless. Don't take what I just said and go verbally beat your spouse with it. The point is to look at your personal failures and not just your mate's. We all bring our own personal baggage into a marriage and, unlike with airlines, it never gets lost in transit. It will always arrive at our next relationship. Before abandoning ship, we recommend discovering the nature of your personal baggage and how it has contributed to the problems in your marriage. This is a key process in surviving infidelity. The answers that each of you discover may well provide motivations for reconciling your marriage. We all bring our own personal baggage into a marriage and, unlike with airlines, it never gets lost in transit. It will always arrive at our next relationship. Determining Whether to Reconcile or Move On One of the first signposts in determining whether you should reconcile a marriage after an affair is the unfaithful spouse's initial response. They need to display a strong willingness to do whatever it takes to move toward health and recovery. If they're not willing to be honest and stop their hurtful behaviors or inappropriate relationships, then the chances of saving the marriage become questionable. We suggest that betrayed spouses give wayward spouses a short season to see whether they will come back. If they don't, then it's time for the betrayed to move on. The wayward partner needs to truly grieve over what they did to their mate and the pain they caused them. Without this remorse and reflection, moving past infidelity becomes much more difficult. We're not saying it's hopeless, but it will surely be a very challenging road. Taking the Time to Properly Decide Another thing to consider is timing. It's difficult to make sound decisions when we're emotional. At the initial impact of the revelation of a betrayal, it's hard to know whether it's worth the effort to save the marriage. When dealing with infidelity, the pain and trauma for both partners can override any sense of reason. Add in the advice being given by friends or family, and it gets even more complicated. Additionally, it's impossible to tell how one's mate is going to respond over the first 12 months. The betrayed spouse may find themselves on an emotional roller coaster for as long as 18 months. While 18 months is not that long, it can feel like an eternity to the couple going through its ups and downs. The ride does get less intense as the process goes on, but it can feel as if it will go on forever in the beginning. The more time you allow for emotions to subside and reason to rule, the better your chances will be of making a sound decision after an affair. During this initial process, it's key that both mates receive the proper support to care for themselves and to minimize any further damage. To simply tough it out on your own will not only exhaust you mentally and emotionally, but it will also cause additional collateral damage to your marriage. The more time you allow for emotions to subside and reason to rule, the better your chances will be of making a sound decision after an affair. Considering the Good and the Bad One of the simple factors in deciding whether to reconcile a marriage is past history. . If at least 10% of the marital history was positive, then the probabilities of a positive outcome and surviving infidelity increase significantly. Of course, it may be difficult to be honest about the marital history, or in many cases, the partners may disagree about how much of the marriage was positive. The pain of the betrayal might cloud judgment when considering the positives of the past. Often, all the betrayed spouse can see are the failures — not the successes. At the same time, it's common for the unfaithful spouse to rewrite the marital history, eliminating all the good times in order to justify their actions. I always encourage both mates to try to honestly look at the reality of their history. If it was good at some point in the past, then it's possible for it to be good again in the future. There are also some more common reasons for trying to salvage a marriage, such as finances, children, and shared history. In reality, one of the main reasons for saving a marriage is because it's worth it, not only for yourself but also for those around you. At the point of revelation, there is often little or no perceived value in the marriage but, whether you see it or not, there is value in saving your relationship. I can tell you that there are many reasons why it is worth trying to save the marriage. But there's one reason that trumps all the others: When God tells you the path you need to take, then that path doesn't need to make sense. It's our belief at Affair Recovery that if there is a clear sense from God that you should work on the marriage, then you must absolutely work on the marriage. In our private practices of marriage and infidelity-specific counseling, the other counselors and I frequently ask our clients, "What is God telling you?" Interestingly, many of them have a clear sense of what they are being told. In those situations, we believe following that path is the most important course of action. If you don't have a clear answer, please wait to take action until you do. I encourage both mates to try to honestly look at the reality of their history. If it was good at some point in the past, then it's possible for it to be good again in the future. Taking the Next Steps in Surviving Infidelity Again, although it is very possible, surviving infidelity is a long journey.We've only begun to touch on some of the issues that arise when couples consider whether to save their marriages. If you're a wayward spouse, we recognize that you need to heal, and most people need help at the beginning of the recovery journey. I hope you'll consider our Hope for Healing course. This 17-week course is designed specifically for wayward spouses to heal, develop empathy, and recover after infidelity. If you're struggling with the decision of whether to continue in your marriage, consider participating in our free First Steps Bootcamp. This seven-day bootcamp can help you determine whether it's worth it to fight for your marriage, and it also discusses what that recovery would take. In just a week, you'll gain the tools needed to make an informed decision about whether to start on your individual recovery or together as a couple. EMS Online Registration Opens Today at Noon CT! Continue Your Healing With EMS Online! Registration Opens Soon. Our Emergency Marital Seminar Online, better known as EMSO, isn't a one-size-fits-all program for couples. Over decades of experience exclusively in the field of infidelity, our methodology has been honed to better serve couples as they address the betrayal, reconnect as partners and restore their lives. "I would like to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your ministry and the materials you have provided as part of EMSO and Married for Life. We, all five couples that started EMSO, have just completed the Married for Life 52-week course. We are now deciding what to study next as a group, as we so value the relationship we have together as couples. With God, with your materials and with each other, we have saved our marriages." - B. Minnesota | EMSO participant, March 2021. Spots fill up quickly, so you won't want to wait to register for EMSO! To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Find HopeRecovery FundamentalsStrengthening MarriageWhy Marriages FailRL_Media Type: Text
