I’m so in agreement with you. There is that saying starts Everybody makes mistakes blah blah blah. Mistakes are unconscious errors. Then there are lapses in judgement. Also without intent but still an error. Now we get to the betrayal of the spouse or significant other. It’s called INTENTIONAL MiSDIRECTION.Conscious, intentional, free will, wanted choices made with plan thought deception secrets desires, and most importantly forethought and malice. By NO means a mistake at all when it comes to an affair, Especially a physical one of any kind in my opinion. I get so tired of hearing I made a mistake. Totally diminishes and minimizing the whole betrayal.

I completely agree with Itstoomuch. An affair is a choice. Did I have a revenge affair? Yes. I do understand that it didn't equate the same emotional damage for my UF, it only happened once in my case, and that it didn't better the situation. Do I feel guilt, disgust, regret? Nope. It eases my mind a little when I experience images of them, that I can replace those with my own experience. It understand this may seem morbid, I do not think conventionally due to my mental illness, but I don't find that one view can conceptualize everyone's feelings on the subject.

Itstoomuch, I mean no disrespect by this question, I’m just trying to understand. My husband says it makes him so angry and like I am downplaying what I did when I call my affair a mistake. What would be a better way to call it? To me yes it was a choice however it was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.

I get that sentiment. My UH's affair was systematically plotted in incredibly intentional, NOT a mistake,like picking the wrong lottery numbers or turning left instead of right at an intersection. ..It started with texts and phone calls for 4 months to someone who lived 200 miles away. He found out he had to be in a city 60 min drive from her and told her he would be there. She said she would meet him there, where she got a room in the same hotel. He met her there, seeing her for the first time in 16 months where they had met up at a conference and she flirted with him in a bar. (He knew her for 6 years ) She texted him her room number. He went in with a plan to kiss her (as he told her in a text 3 month earlier). He said to her "I don"t think we should sleep together" She agreed. THIS WAS NOT A "MISTAKE". This was a planned affair. He was DEDICATED to acting it out and had every chance in the world to walk away. He had a 5 hour drive to be with her. He could have stopped and texted her.."I can't do this while I'm married" (he had told her we would divorce me when our kids graduated some 3 years later). She ENDED things with him.. telling him she couldn't wait 3 years for him to be single. He said he wouldn't leave any sooner. She stopped talking to him for 6 weeks, than began called him again. 3 months after that they were at a conference together when she texted him her room number and asked if he would come up to her room. They began kissing again and she asked if he'd like to move to the bed. He did, and they had sex. They both knew they had entered into an affair that would go on for at the very least 2 and a half years until our son graduated. That week she made him promis to stop having sex with me, which he did, for 2 and a half years. This was not a mistake..this was a plan..a very intentional plan.
A month later, My UH happened to be in her city for an event of my son's. While he was off with classmates, my UH went to her house and had sex with her. Met back up with my son, like nothing had happened. She also had a son and had to pass him off to her parents for the house to be available..this was intentional too. They didn't see each other again for 6 months. SIX MONTHS ..to get out of this realize what he was doing was immoral and despicable and stop, and take it to his grave. He let her know I was going to be out of town for a funeral..and she drove some 4 hours to have sex with him while my kids were at school..at least that was at a hotel and not my house. I have to see that hotel upon occasion and I want to throw up. The same thing happened the next month when I had to go clean out the residence of the person that died. It was plotted and planned. She had another 4 hour drive to stop this. He had weeks of planning to see her. He called her everyday on the way to work..and when he traveled for work. He sent her flowers, love letters, assured her he wasn't having sex with me and continued to promise her he would divorce me as soon as he could. 2 years, many conferences together and a trip to her house later..my son went off to college. He did tell me he was going to divorce me. He was so checked out by then, I wasn't surprised. He moved into the guest room. I left the house the next day so he would be alone. I of course had no idea he was telling someone else that he loved them and wasn't really alone. The following morning he called her as usual..and her response was "well, its about time" and 'I can't beleive you are still in that house, you've had 3 years to plan this"..which brought him to his emotional knees. He texted me form work that he'd like to talk when he got home. I asked if he was interested in trying marriage counselling where he STILL replied "No, Im not interested in that". He began to talk..started crying and saying he never felt good enough for anyone...not at work, not in the volunteer groups he was involved in etc etc. I held him as he cried. We shared our bed that night. He called her AGAIN the next morning and told her how angry he was at her, where she replied "well I'm sorry if that was so hard for you to do the thing you told me you wanted to do for 3 years...do you want the gig or don;t you?" and hung up on him. He came home for work that night and confessed his 3 year affair with her. Telling me how he hated her and she wasn't at all what he thought she was. He STILL had not ended his relationship with her at that point. I asked to listen to that call where he ended things with her..on speaker phone. I regret that he TOLD he she was on speaker and that I was there too. He asked me not to say anything and I didn't. I regret that too. I would have liked to have told her that that's what she gets for every getting involved with someone who was never really available to her..emotionally, physically, mentally. My world fell apart that day. That was 14 months ago. I have done HH and been in individual therapy and couples counseling for 14 and 8 months respectively. I cry everyday about this. I am having trouble forgiving. He is regretful, also says it was the worst mistake of his life...where is the mistake? calling her? texting her? planning and plotting? Not telling me he was unhappy in our 25 year marriage (30 yr relationship), pretending to still be "married" to me? Torturing me with rejection for 2 and a half years of constant sexual rejection to my advances? what was the MISTAKE part...it all sounds very planned out to me.