Rick Reynolds, LCSW

Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Surviving Infidelity: 6 Things I Wish I'd Known

This week’s article explores the question “What did you not know that you needed to know, after the affair came to light?” from the perspective of the unfaithful person. However, I failed to pose that particular question to this population, so I decided to share my own answers to this question. First, I needed to know that it wasn’t about me. I perpetrated the infidelity, but the devastation and loss belonged to my wife. Helping her heal from the wound I created needed to be the foc…
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Comments

This is beautiful! I am

This is beautiful! I am wondering about how long it took you to respond to your wife's offering of mercy and grace? I have been offering the same to my husband for almost a year now. He continues, in word and deed, to reject this gift. I will persist, not because I have virtue, but because I am poor in spirit. That is, it seems day after day, where before I may have been lacking, a new offering of mercy and grace wells up in my heart. As the one betrayed, I too am grateful about discovering "true love." Over 17 years of marriage, I have shared freely about my "love" for my husband. Through this present suffering, I now know that I "truly and really love" him. I have wondered if I would have ever discovered this by other, less-agonizing means. The important thing is that I did, and I am grateful. That will always remain a consolation and a gift. Even if he rejects my offering of mercy and grace to the end, I will have the peace of knowing I have loved him well. Thank you for your ministry and for teaching that "all things are possible for those who love...."

Six things I wish I'd known

Rick, this article is you’re most powerful yet. I am the betrayed, a 21 year marriage with a husband that had a 4 year affair with a co-worker. If only my husband could have known and truly understood these six things right after the affair came to light, our recovery may not have taken such a toll on me. My health and relationships with my children and family have suffered greatly. I have read this article over and over and will continue to read it because it helps me understand the thoughts and actions of the unfaithful spouse. It gives me hope that my husband wishes he would have taken a better path to recovery and that he now understands the difference between selfish love and the love we share today. Hope---- that this love has transformed him. I can’t thank you enough for your articles. God bless you and your family.

6 Things I wish I'd known...

Thank you for the insight.  It has been two years since my husband confronted me about being unfaithful (We have been together for 17 years).  My husband and I have been on  a recovery roller coaster.  I also made mistakes in the beging of the disclosure process.  I was full of ego and defensiveness for the first month.  Since then I have done everything possible to transform myself from a deceptive, dysfunctional and addictive person to a remorseful, recovering, spiritual and ethical being.  My husband has made great efforts to be at peace with my wrong doing but at the end of the day, he doesn't love me anymore.  I am grateful for the effort he has put in.  He was generous with the "ice cream".  I know he is staying together because of our children and our financial situation.  I wish I could have woken up and faced my demons before I caused him and our family so much pain.  I deeply regret hurting the one person who loved me and wanted to share a life together.  I don't know what the future holds.  I love him and will keep going as long as he will have me. 

Trying to love the betrayer

I have been reading the words of the women who were the betrayers...usually this is a man's behavior. I am the betrayed...and I still love my wife...but in every case that I have read (except for one) the betrayer WANTS to be restored to their spouse. In my case, my wife doesn't want to. I love her, and I miss her, and I want her back. But she doesn't want to be my wife anymore. So, I am forced to pursue separation (and eventually, divorce), if only to protect myself. Everything that is said in the article is true...except, in my case, my wife expresses no desire to reconcile. I can love her, but how long do I wait before moving on? I want to give my wife the "ice cream", even though I know we will still have a long road to recovery. How does one deal with a spouse who simply doesn't WANT to reconcile?

I am the betrayer.

I just re-read this article about the betrayer.  I identify fully with the selfishness and self-centeredness.  I also am struggling with the flow of information, as I don't want to face the consequences of my beautiful wife's pain and her healing process.  I also feel so awful about what I have done to her, that I don't want to face that reality and feel my own pain.

Thank you for this article, and the subscription to your site.  Thank you for the thoughts and suggestions in each one.

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