Rick, once again another amazing article that just puts things in to the right perspective!

As far as me, you hit the nail on the head! The biggest thing I would have to say is be honest about the details. Don't keep things because you think that telling that stuff isn't important. Being completely open and honest with your mate from the very beginning will be much more appreciated by the betrayed than the lies. Aside from the actual affair, it is the lies I told that keeps haunting my husband. He wonders whether what I say now is truth or a lie. And I don't blame him!

Secondly, don't consider divorce as an option to overcoming infidelity. I did that! I believed that that was the only way. I figured that I didn't deserve my husband and that forgiveness was not a possibility. So I considerec divorce. In my mind, it was the only way to keep him from hurting but that inadvertently hurt him more. Luckily, he fought for us when I didn't deserve it!

And lastly, don't give up! Stubbornness finally pays off when it comes to recovering from infidelity! If you want to make it work it will!

Blessings! Here's to healing!

Many post affair people say to themselves if I had known then what I know now I would've never done it. They also wish they could turn back the clock. Unfortunately, that is not something that post affair people can do. All we can do is deal with our spouse in a loving, caring, godly way which is very difficult at times when we just want our spouse to move past it quickly. I know there were many times that I wasn't graceful with my husband when he would share with me his anger, jealousy, fear, discouragement, rejection or anything that reminded him of my past infidelity. Thank God it's been over two years since the affair happened. I'm in a precarious situation because the AP, as far as I know, still lives across the next major intersection; basically across the street. I can't verify that for sure but I think he may be living there. It used to vex both of us as we thought about the affair every time we made a turn at that intersection. Now it still is in the back of our minds every time we pass the AP's apartment, but we just don't talk about it as much. My husband used to bring it up every day, then it turned to every other day, then he would bring it up once a week, and then once a month. Now he brings it up every so often to let me know that he's still recovering from the pain. Just like a broken leg, it heals but it never functions the same way that it did before the accident. I take full responsibility for the affair, whereas at the beginning of the affair I blamed my husband because he can be generally critical, nitpicky, faultfinding, and spoke to me like a little girl or a little sister if I accidentally did something wrong. When I brought this up to my husband at the discovery of the affair; that it was his fault because he can be retentive at times with me, he would question me, asking why I just didn't bring it up to his attention instead of having an affair. I look back and I realize that it was a justification or excuse for the affair, in my mind. I think most things in life that are done at the heat of the moment that results in long-term pain and suffering emotionally, financially, physically, maritally, etc. could be prevented and avoided if we had forethought and a long-term vision instead of focusing on self gratification for the moment.

rather when I least deserved it.
If you and I were playing ball and broke a window, then went to the owner and he in turn charged us $20 for the damage, it would be justice. If we were playing ball and broke a window, went to the owner and he informed us it was $20, but then said, “Don’t worry about it; I’ll take care of it”, that would be mercy because we didn’t have to pay for what we had done. However, if we were playing ball and broke a window and the owner said the cost was $20, but then said not to worry about it, he’d take care of it and then he said, “Would you guys like some ice cream?” That is grace because I get ice cream for breaking the window. Grace is getting what you don’t deserve.

Rick, that was a great illustration...I intend to share your article with my "unfaithful" men in hopes they can see the difference between, justice, mercy and grace.

God bless,
Jerry

Great article. Just a comment from the hurt spouse side. It would also be prudent to put up a window protector so the window doesn't get broken again. Fine line between grace and door mat. If the window is repeatedly broken it would be crazy to not protect it in some way. This perhaps also touches on the concept of repeated infidelities. Once a window is broken it has to be replaced.....not just fixed. As Einstein said, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Unless you want to continue to get your window broken, something has to change.

Well that's a loaded question... First because if I had known what I needed to know, I probably wouldn't have done what I did BUT I never would've been low enough in my life to truly repent and cry out for mercy from The Lord. The Lord has taken my broken road and used it to restore my marriage and recreate a new husband for me! I'm not saying whatsoever that what I did was right by no means. It was a selfish, foolish act on my part and has caused a lot of pain for my spouse and myself included. And to think now that my Lord has used it all to show me what true love is?! Praying for my husband, my kids and all my enemies. It's amazing to really see love develop for my husband simply by praying for him. And so IF I had known the future pain I created on myself and spouse, I probably would've not taken action BUT then my husband and I would've never allowed our Savior to reshape our hearts and ultimately grant us a 2nd chance at this marriage thing.

I do not like deceptive people. I always thought my husband was a good man. He was an Eagle Scout and always prided himself in being a good person. The type that helps little old ladies with canes across the street.

He was that type too. At least the part of him I knew about.

Because of his good guy persona, I gave him lots of freedom......boy's night's out, men's trips, etc. I was proud to let him go on these outing, despite warning from other more possessive wives. I knew him, or so I thought, and I never thought he would want to destroy his good guy image.

When his affair was discovered, I realized the good guy thing was just an act.

My husband continued to lie. He lied about not talking to the ex affair partner. He had, several times. Of course I found out. I had found a hidden credit card and a hidden bank account. He swore he had closed them. He had not.

Those discoveries...deceptions were far worse than the affair because he already saw the devastation his affair had caused to our relationship.

He claimed that he was planning to close the account but had not gotten around to it, the same with the credit card. Okay so why lie. Just say that.

The same with talking to the affair partner. He said he just wanted to find out who outed the affair. Still, he promised me he would never talk to her ever again. Yet he lied.

My husband is remorseful, although he still sometimes plays the victim, and he has been now doing a lot of good things, but our marriage will never be the marriage I thought I had. I will never ever look at him the same way.

To me, he is mostly a good guy and somewhat trustworthy, but I will never trust him 100 percent again.

Sure we had some problems. Who doesn't? He said he was unhappy with some things. Well did he think I was thrilled with life, too. There were things that made me unhappy, but I did not cheat. I found other ways to cope.

As a counselor pointed out, too. Most of the things that made my husband unhappy was not being successful as he wanted and quitting good jobs to start three different businesses that failed and caused him to start over as an employee.

The thing that makes me the saddest, is although we are still together and our marriage is not the same, the really awful thing is I am not the same. I am very distrustful of him and as a byproduct other people.

I also became a bit more selfish in the relationship. I do not like this, but I also do not want to change. It is a way to protect my hard.

The selfishness manifests in small ways, but it has changed me to the core.

For example, even when he was out with his friends or at a dinner meeting, If there was a pint of ice cream in the refrigerator, I would always only eat half and always always save the rest for him.

He loved when I did that. He would sometimes already have had dessert, when out, but he told me he loved that I always thought of him and save him some.

After finding out about the money he spent on his affair partner, I can no longer bring myself to save half the ice cream for him, when he is late at work or at a meeting where refreshments will be served, I eat as much ice cream as I want to.

I really do not like this change in me. I do not hide the fact that I eat most of the ice cream, or maybe all of it, now. And, when he notices it, I can see a wistful look on his face, although he says nothing, or maybe mentions that he already had dessert.

Still, I do not feel he deserves the grace of ice cream, literally. He is getting plenty of mercy and grace in other ways.

I am hoping this will change in the future, but for now, it will not.

WOW!! This is by far one of the best post I have read. Thanks for sharing it. It really hit home for me!!!

The biggest for me just came to light after 10 years in dealing with this and just a few months from full disclosure, of the extent of my sexual addiction. That is that my control of information and thinking I could continue to tell only what I thought she needed to know would somehow be better. I realize now how much damage that did and how I was not allowing my wife to heal or have a choice in healing because i wasnt giving her the full picture of all i had done, i was protecting myself and in the process dragging both of us further into the pit of despair. Looking back, I see how much that crushed her.

The other is grace, just like you said grace is getting what you dont deserve. I just recently had some revelation about grace through a book called Grace is Greater and it finally allowed me to see how much grace I had been shown and how I didn't even see it. It also helped me empathize with what I had put my wife through and fully start to appreciate the magnitude of exactly what Jesus did on the cross for us and what that should look like in a marriage.

I wish I had known he continued to value and stay in contact with the person he was cheating with. Knowing he could deceive me for so long, then lie after it came to light, is crippling.

Thank you for writing this article! As betrayed, this was so insightful for me. I see parts of these lights sparkling up in my spouse's eyes too. I believe he will arrive here too where you have arrived.
Kind of bad that 'all these' had to happen for such realizations (on what true love is, on what true care is, on what responsibility is), but, when there is such an outcome (like yours), than I believe that the most was brought out from a very bad situation.

Kind greetings (and congrats!)
Bunny

Rick, you really nailed it! My husband’s affair was discovered by our 25 yr. old daughter 7 mos. ago. His behavior caused her to go through his cellphone & she showed me that my husband of 30 yrs. was having an affair with an out of town colleague! For the last 7 months I’ve been trying to get more details out of him. He still swears nothing more than flattery, handholding & kissing was involved! Even though I saw plenty of sexual memes sent to her on his cellphone. He’s admitted to his emotional infidelity & is wallowing in shame. He’s read some articles, a book on how to help your spouse heal & several of Samuel’s Affair Recovery videos. We even went to a Christian Infidelity counselor once but couldn’t afford his program. What I’m having the most trouble with is even though he says he’s so sorry & loves me, he can’t seem to show me he loves me or connect on an emotional level with me. I feel so rejected & even though I’ve told him in many ways that I need to see some urgency from him that he doesn’t want to lose me or the marriage, he’s too wrapped up in his own guilt & shame to give me anything to heal. I haven’t gained much ground in my own recovery after reading your articles & hundreds of Samuel’s videos & other infidelity experts videos. So, I go back to him again & ask for details of his affair. He only gives me generalities. No specifics. I’m a detail oriented person so, this drives me nuts! He swears he’s told me everything.

So, then I say, “You want me to believe that you abandoned & discarded me, your wife & best friend for a few flattering words & kisses? Is that what your telling me? That’s all it takes for you to destroy our lives, me & our daughter’s? That’s how little you value me? You tell me that you haven’t been attracted to me for several years but you cheated on me with an ugly woman who flattered you? And now I’m supposed to believe you love me & you’ll never do this again? If flattery is all it takes for you to throw away your moral code & the people who love you, you will cheat again!”

So now, Rick, I’m remembering the article you wrote about pleasers. Maybe, my whole marriage was wasted on a pleaser who doesn’t know what love is. Maybe there’s nothing to save here. He’s always had trouble showing love. I’m 65 yrs. old now. How do I pick up the pieces & move on?

The other thing I thought you might need to add to your great article is how a spouse can have emotional affairs & not even know it. My husband had also been seeing an old girlfriend on secret lunch dates when he was supposed to be seeing clients! If he never had sex with her, he thinks he wasn’t having an affair. But the experts say, if it’s a secret, you lie about it, you’ve had “chemistry “, it’s an affair! It can even happen on line without even meeting them! So now, how many Affairs has he really had?

Thank you for this article...my husband had an affair that lasted 7 months and his AP also had a fiance and young daughter. When the affair came to light I found out that that the other woman was also pregnant and it could possibly be my husbands baby. Its been only 2 months since Ive found out and its still going to be a long process... My huaband has made every effort to reconcile and do what he can to help in my recovery and also in saving our marriage.

There are good days when everything feels like there is hope for us to move forward and then there are days when its like i take 5 steps backwards. We have two young children and the thought of this other woman havinf his child kills me.

God has been our only source of hope. Although im still angry and hurt inside...Gods love and mercy upon my life have been the promises in which i cling to everyday. It saddens me how weak my husband was and how intense his affair was, but Im standing on Gods word and His promises that even He can turn around any bad situation. What the devil planned for evil, God can turn it into good.

We are seeking counseling and ive reached out to so many other women who either have been in my shoes or who are currently in my shoes. Its not easy but it does help keep my mind focused on what I am capable of doing.

One day at a time and positive thinking. Gods word has been my counter attack to all the negative thoughts and images that haunt me daily.

1. Keep God center of your life.
2. Keep God center of your marriage.
3. Keep praying through everything.

My biggest mistake was neglecting my relationship with God. No matter the outcome of my marriage, as long as I have God in my life, I can do ALL things.

After finding my spouse was unfaithful. I did know what to do

This post shows me keep loving him.

as the betrayer, first let me say i make no excuses. Also- i place absolutely no blame on anyone but myself. I am responsible for my feelings, what i thought and what lead me to what i did. Having said that- let me try to add..
What do i wish i'd have known?..... I wish i'd have know that i could find safety in my wife and marriage. As a boy i suffered a great trauma- as a result, i learned very early that i must be careful of everything - everyone and take care of myself. I ran to my cave and never looked back. If you have not ever heard of T D Jakes- you should, he explained it very well. Men run to their caves in times of trouble and they take their "toys" with them. This is what i did. As a result we look for what we need in the wrong places- we are not willing to risk loosing who we love- so we look elsewhere. This only makes things worse. It is selfish, but it is all we know, it is self preservation and self destruction at the same time. My wife and i have been on this road of recovery for a long while- although it is not an easy road, especially for my wife- it is worth every step.

He read this and that was what he said. He knows. This article is the best one I have read so far for us. His love HAS transformed. Completely. I will forever hate what happened, as will he. But I have to be honest. Without having gone through this terrible time, I wouldn’t have the benefit of the transformed love he has. It is explained so perfectly in #6. I always thought he just was emotionally limited but loved me in his own way. I now have from him the complete and vulnerable love that I gave for 20 years. The kind of love that puts you in a position that you can be completely broken by its betrayal. I wish I never had to be so broken but the only thing that makes it worth it is that we are better than we were before. It’s completely ironic that I, the innocent one, had to suffer pain the that he caused and be completely broken for him to break through the barrier that was keeping him self centered and feeding off receiving. I can feel the joy he has now in giving. Seeing how he finds joy in giving me real love has helped me in my healing process but even better it has helped me find my love for him again.

Has any of you, the Betrayed, shared this with your spouse(betrayer)? I am just curious. And what does he/she say after he reads it.
And what would you want him/her to say?

I am simply asking because I always forward articles from Hope Now because I need him to know how I feel and the artcles are so spot on. He never replies. It doesnt mean he doesnt read them but I think I would respond (if it were me)
“Thank you for the article. It helps me understand more clearly of the pain you are in and how I caused you to live with these painful thoughts and visuals”.
Just wondering what the betrayed would need to hear from their betrayer.

I am having trouble forgiving AP. I just cannot imagine what kind of person steps into a marriage and tries to destroy. The blame belongs to my husband and he has accepted responsibility. I do not know if we will make it but I am haunted by the other woman. I was raised to never hurt another sister. How can normal people cause so much pain!