Surviving Infidelity: 6 Things I Wish I'd Known

This week's article explores the question: "After the affair came to light, what didn't you know that you needed to know?"

A hundred wayward spouses could tell you what they wish they'd known, and all of their responses would carry some merit. Today, however, I'd like to turn the lens on myself — an unfaithful spouse — to share six things I wish I'd known as well as what I've observed over my 30-plus years of marriage.

1. It's Not About Me

Yes, I perpetrated the infidelity, but the devastation and loss belonged to my wife. Helping her heal from the wound I created needed to be my focus — not all my reasons why and not my guilt and shame. It was far too easy to make it about me rather than listen to her pain and take responsibility. I must admit that early on, this is one of the toughest things for the wayward spouse to accomplish in recovery.

2. Surviving Infidelity Isn't a Short Process

I had no idea how long my wife would be haunted and tortured by my infidelity and actions. For months, she was tormented by intrusive thoughts that caused her to re-experience the very same painful emotions she felt at the discovery of my infidelity. Forgiveness couldn't even stop her nightmares

It took months for her to feel safe enough to reconcile with me, but that didn't stop the consequences she continued experiencing. I mistakenly believed that we would soon put this behind us and move on, but there was no way for me to protect her from the consequences of what I'd done. If I had understood the overall timeline of surviving infidelity, I probably wouldn't have been so impatient and frustrated with the process at the time.

3. Telling the Whole Truth Is Imperative

Because I foolishly thought about myself and wanted to avoid further consequences, I failed to give my mate what she needed. I tried to manage the situation by controlling the flow of information, robbing her of her chance to learn what she wanted — and needed — to know. Besides that, offering up more information didn't make sense to me at the time. Frankly, I wasn't sure of much after my infidelity and personal failures.

My self-centeredness prohibited me from acting in my mate's best interest. I prioritized self-protection at her expense — as if I hadn't already cost her enough. I refused to accept that we couldn't move forward until she could at least understand what happened. Coming clean at the beginning of the process would've saved my mate months of suffering and shortened our time of rehabilitation after my betrayal.

4. My Actions Cost My Family Dearly

When I betrayed my wife, I was so shortsighted that I never considered what it might cost her as well as my family. My only thought was, "I'll never get caught." I wish I had known what my self-centeredness and carelessness would cost those most important to me. Had I allowed myself to be aware of this cost, I believe it would've served as a major inhibitor.

5. Surviving Infidelity Is Possible

Not knowing there was hope meant I was skeptical and hesitant to give my marriage a chance. If I had known surviving infidelity was possible, I would've more quickly sought help, and I certainly would've had a better attitude. It wasn't until we met others who had succeeded in saving their marriages — and were better off for it — that I began to realize there was hope for us too.

6. Love Isn't a Simple, Fleeting Feeling

I craved feelings I labeled as love, feelings that came from having someone I valued, value me in return. When I found this, it made me feel like I was "all that." In fact, the more I esteemed the other person, the stronger the effect. But what I really loved was how they made me feel about myself. The reflection of my image in their eyes made me feel amazing. But that wasn't love. Love is the grace my wife extends to me, not when I deserve it, but rather when I least deserve it.

Let's say we were playing ball and broke a store window, and then we confessed what we'd done to the shop's owner. If they charged us for the damage, it would be justice. If they said, "Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it," that would be mercy. If they said they'd take care of it and then invited us out for ice cream, their treat, that would be grace because we got something much nicer than we deserved. Grace is getting what you don't deserve.

My wife gave me "ice cream" for "breaking the window." She continued to love me after I broke her heart. The difference between the two loves is amazing:

• The first type of love me feel good about myself. It was selfish and never enough.
• The second type of love left me feeling cared for, not because of who I was, but rather in spite of who I was. This love transformed me.

If only I'd known the meaning of true love — the second type of love — perhaps I wouldn't have been so self-centered. Maybe, just maybe, I could've cared for others instead of only thinking about myself.

I'd now like to turn the lens on you, the reader. After the affair came to light, what did you not know that you needed to know? Whether you're the wayward spouse or the betrayed spouse, I'd love to hear the lessons you've learned during your healing journey. I hope you'll take a moment to leave a comment, so we can all continue to learn, grow, and heal together. Perhaps the lessons we've learned can save others from similar heartbreaks and help them understand that there is hope.