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Stuck? Three Methods to Get Moving in Infidelity Recovery
One truth we've learned at Affair Recovery is that it's not just time that heals wounds; it's how you spend the time that heals wounds. Often, I hear about or see couples that are just plain "stuck." The good news is you don't have to be stuck. You can move toward healing, gain momentum, and sustain, it during your recovery journey.
You might be saying to yourself, "Easier said than done, Rick." I hear you. Trust me, I do. I'm not going to tell you it's easy to move forward. Instead, I want to share how to actually get unstuck during infidelity recovery. If you're feeling frustrated, lost, or just plain stuck, I recommend using these three tips to maintain traction in your personal recovery.
1. Let Go of Discovery
There comes a point in infidelity recovery where you're going to understand what happened as well as you're ever going to. And once you understand the situation, seeking more details can actually be quite disruptive when recovering from infidelity pain. With each new detail, the betrayed spouse might get sucked back into the pain they want to move past. With each new answer, the wayward spouse might re-experience the shame they want to escape. There is such a thing as too much detail.
Cindy Beall, an inspirational infidelity survivor and author, was our 2018 Hope Rising Conference keynote speaker. You can view her powerful speeches by purchasing 2018 Hope Rising On Demand. Additionally, if you're the betrayed spouse, I encourage you to continue your journey to wholeness by registering for our virtual 2023 Hope Rising Conference. In Beall's book Healing Your Marriage When Trust is Broken*, she discusses why questions can sometimes hinder healing:
"Sometime during the first year after Chris' confession, I finally made a decision. Chris and I were discussing the past, and I don't remember exactly what I asked him, but it had something to do with an encounter he had with a woman. He very gently took my hand and said, 'Babe, I'll answer any question you ask for the rest of my life, but will my answer make you feel any better?'
I looked into his eyes and knew he was right. The answer wouldn't make me feel better. The only thing it would do is tell me the date and time that he made a fool of me. I know that when I ask questions, it comes from a place of fear in me. My heart starts beating faster, and I literally don't have the physical or mental strength to stop moving forward in my quest for answers. So I stopped asking questions. And maybe you should too."
Beall goes on to explain that very specific details, such as which sexual acts were performed and how often they occurred, won't help you feel better but may make you feel worse. Asking questions to grasp what happened is one thing, she says, but too many details may be triggering or cause you to imagine what happened — both of which are surefire ways to stay stuck during infidelity recovery.
Beall continues:
"I know how hard it is to let it go and stop asking questions. So, here's what I did to walk myself through that. When my curiosity got the best of me, I first asked myself two questions:
- Why do I need to know this?
- Will this help me heal?
More times than not, asking the question would only hurt me more, which would not bring healing. Other times, the point of my question was just to find out when I'd been fooled, thus fueling a pride issue I was battling."
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Learn More | EMS Online2. Have a 'Good Enough' Recovery
To some of you, I know this may be a controversial way of approaching affair recovery. We typically think of infidelity recovery in all-or-nothing terms. Our fear of relapse produces an intense need to get it right, and we want our mate to get it right even more. Who would want to take the chance of ever going through this pain again?
But fear and perfectionism cloud our judgment. When we don't just want our mate to "get it," but to "get it" perfectly, we can get stuck in a hopeless loop. There comes a time when you have to decide that they understand it well enough. Remember, they are not you, and they may never be able to fully understand; if they are trying to understand, then you can give yourself the gift of accepting what is as good enough. Hopefully, over time, the two of you will continue to grow in understanding.
Keep in mind: I'm not saying, "Get over it," or "Just deal with it." In no way do I think betrayed spouses should accept being blamed for their mate's affair or being treated in any sort of unloving way. I'm also not suggesting that you continue to live with someone who is unsafe and refuses to get help. What I am saying is there comes a point where you accept a heartfelt desire to get healthy, even though it may not look exactly like you want it to.
3. Take Personal Responsibility for Your Healing
If you're the hurt spouse, I understand how devastating this is for you. You didn't ask for this. When recovering from infidelity pain, you may experience the temptation to make your mate "fix this mess," which is their mess and their fault, in order to help you feel more secure. That decision, however, puts your infidelity recovery in the hands of another, whose actions have already proven hurtful. Think about it. Why would you want to be dependent on them for your healing and the future quality of your life?
You may need to read that statement again to grasp my true heart's intent. If your happiness is dependent on your mate always saying or doing the right things, then your success is dependent on someone whose performance is already suspect. I am not saying you should leave your marriage, nor am I saying that their helpful actions cannot aid your recovery, but I am saying your happiness and the quality of your life is in YOUR hands.
Not to minimize the difficulty of your current situation, but some day, the feelings you're currently experiencing will pass just like every feeling before has passed.
Ultimately:
- You get to choose the principles you'll live by as you go forward.
- You get to choose whether you'll be open to learning new ways of being.
- You get to choose the story you tell yourself about what's happening.
You can either see yourself as a powerless victim who's forever trapped in circumstances beyond their control, or you can take responsibility for your life and intentionally make choices that bring life to others and to yourself.
Unfortunately, we cannot choose what happens to us — as every hurt spouse in this situation understands. We can, however, choose how we respond. This situation doesn't have to define you. If you're feeling stuck, ask yourself whether you're ready to move forward. If you're not quite ready, that's OK; just know you can move forward if you so choose. When recovering from infidelity pain, you don't have to get it right, you just have to take a step. The goal is progress, not perfection.
If you're the betrayed spouse and feel stuck, I encourage you to invest in your personal restoration by registering for our cathartic Harboring Hope course. If you're the wayward spouse and want to get unstuck, reconcile with your spouse or family, and/or escape shame, I encourage you to register for our transformative Hope for Healing Hope for Healing course. Both of these life-changing online courses are safe spaces to heal and rebuild when recovering from infidelity pain. Remember, you matter and your future is worth fighting for.
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Comments
Stuck is exactly right.
It's been 5 years since I had an emotional affair. I answered every question he had over and over and over again. I quit social media, got rid of my cell phone and stopped going anywhere (other than work) and doing anything, all to make him feel better and to "fix" my mistake. I even took a polygraph to prove it was strictly emotional, and passed.. but after that he said "some people can pass polygraphs" and discounted the test and licensed polygrapher.
I used a laptop in my office so that he could "watch" and "listen" to me at work when I interacted with people, to prove that what he was saying, "that I was flirty and suspicious", wasn't true. I got a tracker on my phone so he could see where I was. That just made things worse because trackers are hardly accurate and it would say I was places I wasn't so I would have to send pictures of where I was as proof. I was timed every time I went somewhere (even grocery shopping or appointments). Accusations were just par for the course because I had "cheated". All of this justified by him because I was untrustworthy. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, it doesn't end. 5 years later and NO infidelity since and I'm still treated as though I'm doing something wrong every time I'm not with him or he can't keep an eye on me. I have a cell phone now but he monitors it. I still don't get on social media. I don't have friends and can't go visit family without him without him being incredibly upset and accusatory. I can't help him anymore. I wish it had never happened, but I can't take it back and now I live in absolute misery. I'm heartbroken and stuck... it feels like forever. At this point, I think for my own sanity and his, our marriage needs to end. I can't live this way anymore. I feel like I've paid for my mistakes a thousand times over. ;-(
Similarity
In reply to Stuck is exactly right. by Myranda Mosley
I’m living this now except my situation is worse. He won’t allow me to go shopping or work without him. I can’t prove myself. I’m stuck beyond any nearby hope. I can’t drive my kids anywhere, can’t visit anyone. Can’t do anything. It’s draining both of us and our children. They see their mom fully stripped of basic rights bc he not only doesn’t trust me but still fears I will do it again
New discoveries
Just discovered a little Keepsake ornament that my husband had been keeping that he had received from his work emotional affair partner. He tried to tell me one of the guys at work got it for him. Really. What guy buys another guy an ornament? Then he said he wasn't sure who got it for him... So I said, well, it wasn't me, it wasn't his mom and it wasn't his sister-in-law... So who? Then he said if you think Robin got it for me, she didn't. I asked how long he had had it, He said he just couldn't remember. Then finally he said it was probably her that gave it to him. This is a 52 yr. old man. Not a teenager busted with pot or something.
I'm just tired and hurt. We were doing so well. I've been really working at showing up softer, more respectful, more fun. We've gone on vacations together, and we're planning on buying a new home in another State together. I really thought that we were connecting better than ever. Yet he decided he needed to keep this special gift reminder from another woman for himself and didn't think anything else about it. Tried to play like it didn't matter to him. If that was true, it would have been thrown away when he said he wanted to stay married to me. Has this happened to anyone else? The triggers and reminders seem to be never-ending. Does it ever go away? What do you do when there's a new reminder? Feels like we are back to D-day all over again.
new discoveries truly hurt
In reply to New discoveries by I Don't Know
IDK....
I want to know the same thing. Will it ever go away? I'm trying to just cope each day by day. If you've ever lost a close loved one, you know that eventually it gets a little easier to live with but it never goes away, and some days you just lose it and grieve. I think this is the same thing. The consensus is that after 5 years, a death is not as acutely painful. Maybe it's the same time frame? Would love to chat as we seem to be on the same page with what we're trying to cope with.
It's the lying
In reply to New discoveries by I Don't Know
I feel you, oh that's so painful! I've heard it's common for the unfaithful to keep a reminder of their affair partner - doesn't mean that it's ok or that it doesn't hurt the betrayed. It's one of those really tough choices: 1. let it go; allow them to keep or get rid of it in their own time (means you have to build up the strength to focus on the positive progress and give a ton of grace) OR 2. require them to get rid of it (at the risk of being controlling). No judgement either way, you know your situation best!
For me, 2-3.5 years ago I was doing great & chose option 1...but my grace was taken advantage of for too long because the affair continued for a total of 4.5 years (3.5 from when I discovered it) so for the last 2 years I'm at option 2. But I'm finally feeling & dealing with the pain that I tried to shove aside while I was trying so hard to save the marriage. Clearly there's resentment bubbling up because I don't care what happens to our marriage anymore.
I've been lied to in lots of ways big & small our entire 14 yr marriage - he was sneaky and lying constantly throughout his entire childhood, more than what I'd consider normal. He even taught our kids (ages 4-12) to lie to me. As of a month ago, I was still being lied to - after a 4.5 yr affair which supposedly ended at the end of May (they were still in contact through June when he was saying they weren't) - so now it's a matter of questioning if my husband is capable of telling the truth. This seems like a deeper character flaw, not a temporary change in behavior from limerence. How can we reconcile if I'm constantly wondering when the truth will find me (and it always does...eventually). When he initiates the truth with open honesty, I react safely - with gratitude and calm responses, making sure not to punish him. At this point, it's not me...and I'm done with trying so hard to save a relationship with a habitual liar.
Methods to get moving
I see Cindy’s husband asking her if the answer would make her feel better as gaslighting and manipulation - of course it wouldn’t make her feel better, nothing to do with a cheating spouse’s affair makes a betrayed spouse feel better. He was playing her and it worked.
What I chose about principles is more what I live by, than what I let go of. I couldn’t live with someone who had very few principles that he lived by. Principles that guide how you live are all you really have when all is said and done.
Regarding new ways of living, like it or not due to my spouse’s lack of principles (integrity specifically) I was and still am living in new ways I didn’t adopt as part of my plan for my life.
As for the “story” I tell myself - the truth will set you free. I had to do my part in setting me free and my life is better for it. I have always believed honesty is the best policy. My spouse, though he claimed he believed as I always have, never practiced it - though he pretended he did for many years? He was like Cindy’s husband and manipulated, lied for years and still claimed to love me and want a life with me of course it was the life he wanted. I also believe that actions speak louder than words - his actions never backed up his words once truth entered the situation.
I also believe it’s more important that you figure out what principles and lessons learned you keep in your life as you go forward.
Trying to be patient
This video hits home for me, a betrayed spouse, with something that helps me feel free and peaceful. And that is letting go of whatever..... letting go of discovery, letting go of control, letting go of longing for my husband to perfectly follow guidelines for recovery and even learning to be gentle with myself when I am not the person I want to be. My goal is to avoid bitterness, live joyful using my energy for things that are lovely and good and true.
I do not want to be stuck and as crazy as it sounds, am grateful for what I am learning about myself and how I am turning to God. None of these lessons have been easy and don’t want to sound like it is! I struggle and fight with times of bitterness and blame and negativity. And I am just sad sometimes.
I am seeking to learn and grow in all this but it is very traumatic and painful and our marriage may not make it. Our marriage is in a”stuck” place but I don't have to be stuck.
It is a hard thing to try to be patient and to stand by while my spouse struggles with his own recovery just like I do. There have been new discoveries during the past 4 years despite EMS weekend and individual and couples counseling. Recently after yet another discovery, I decided to let go of our marriage and filed for divorce. Because he fought so hard and has now followed through on increased recovery actions, I decided on a legal separation agreement. I believe he does love me and wants our marriage. I also know he has his own demons to fight. And I am trying to be patient while he struggles, trying to let go and focus on growing myself.
Thank you for this video and all that everyone at AR is doing to help us recover.
Moving forward???
This article makes sense to me. As the offending spouse, I know I did the wrong thing multiple times over an 8 year period and I have to live with that. While my wife and I are working at our marriage, some days it just feels like I'm the one doing the work and working on my issues and my wife is doing nothing. I get that my wife is hurt. It's been almost 4 years since D-Day and our intimacy levels are lower now than they were 5 years ago. Living in a sexless marriage is hard. I know it's all my fault and some would say that I deserve what I get. I love my wife. I just wish my wife could find the courage to move forward and reengage with me physically. I know that sex isn't the be all and end all of a marriage. I just miss my wife.
If my partner can’t be a good
If my partner can’t be a good running back for me, and I have to go it alone to repair the damage that person did to me, why on earth would I want to salvage a relationship with them?
Stuck
It's been 4yrs since I learnt about hubby's 2 affairs. I haven't got hardly any questions answered and some I have have been lies. I haven't been able to talk about affairs. I just get shut out. I've been doing well in my recovery but this past week I've fallen of the track and have been feeling so flat so hurt all over again. I'm on anti depressants and ran out of pills for 3 days that's when I began to spiral downwards. What hurts most is I have just really understood how reliant I am on this medication. I've gone from such a happy go lucky care free person to this new person reliant on meds to keep me in some ways happy. I've been given a life sentence for a crime I did not commit and that's so unfair
Over 40 years my husband had
Over 40 years my husband had numerous relationships with other women. They were not all full fledged affairs, but they involved flirting, kissing, talking and sometimes more. The last time it was an affair. Since then it is so hard to trust him. Over the years when I asked him about suspicions he always lied to my face. To be honest that hurts worse sometimes than the cheating. He has never wanted a divorce and always promised never again just like an abuser. I finally just gave him to the Lord and asked Him to deal with My husband. I don’t even ask anymore.
I agree
In reply to Over 40 years my husband had by Dwn13
Dawn, I too struggle with trusting my partner to be truthful. But I have decided to trust what I see, and not snoop for evidence. Unless there is something blatant that comes up, I let things go and let God handle it. My mind will race with so many scenarios when I don't have all the information and none of them are good. I cannot ask about anything I am suspicious about because she will just lie and cover it up. So I made a decision not to let the doubt in, and just believe what I see. She does love me, and I know that there are issues and I am trying to help her as much as I can. And at this point our relationship is growing and I am ok. If there comes a time when God shows me something that changes my mind, I will have to made a tough decision. But for now, I simply trust that He will take care of things and I have never felt better. It truly is freedom not to worry about so many things.
We are nearly two years
We are nearly two years postcard DDay. Although I don’t ask as many questions I still feel the need to. The months after D day were awash with further lies as he tried to cover his tracks and hide the truth.
I ask questions now because I want to make sure he has got it, that there are no more lies, that he shouldn’t have to lie about who he was and what he did. If I am worth anything to him then I am worth the truth.
I generally think that if it hurts to hear the answer to my question and it hurts him to say it then it must be the truth.
That is all I have to go on now because all trust is gone but I hope that the more truth I hear then the more I will eventually trust so I still feel the need to question.
follow up questions
The question today was perfect for me as that is exactly where I am-- stuck in this vicious loop and never moving forward to healing. I can sort of get behind your first point about stop asking questions, though it will be hard. But am having a hard time with the 2nd 2 points.
In point 2, is accepting a heartfelt desire to get healthy really enough? I am amazing person who only deserves the best. He also committed an unspeakable betrayal. Why would a heartfelt desire to get healthy be enough? Don't I deserve more than that? Why should I settle? He actually needs to be better, a hell of alot better, before we can even start to move forward.
In point 3, taking responsbility for my life and my happiness is something I have always done, which is how I created the amazing life that I had. But in this situation, if I work to bring happiness to myself that will by definition exclude him from my life and then I will ultimately end up without him. Because I can't control him and I can't make him make me happy. So that means I will find happiness elsewhere without him. We are trying to work together to move forward together. I just don't feel like he is doing ENOUGH. He has a very deep deep hole to fill. If he can't fill that hole, then we will never be happy together.
I would really love anyone's perspective on this because these are the exact questions I am struggling with, but unfortunately, I don't feel the answers are working for me. Thanks.
What are the answers
In reply to follow up questions by jgeezie03
I usually don't respond to anyone but your words are similar to my thoughts, I am going on 8 months since d day. He has abandoned our marriage and of course blamed me for his affair. No matter how well my words have been seasoned with salt he still hasn't given me the adult conversation we need to have. So I am trying to to rebuild my strength and happyness without him because I know this is only temporary for my sake. We were once best friends, never did I see this coming, for him to leave your wife and children for selfish desires. It's sick!! So I am just as confused because I know that love endures all things so I'm just trying to be patient with him to take some responsibility. I have seen him 2x in nearly 8 months My husband has a deep whole to fill as well but he is filling it with wasteful things. We are in charge of are own happiness, if my husband was willing to get help I would be there right by his side. It takes time to heal and wounds heal best with loving care. Every marriage will have tribulation there is no real answer only if both parties are willing to work hard and forgiveness is key, you have to know for sure if it's worth it to both of you if not it will all be in vain.
The First Step
The problem I have with this first step is that I DID stop looking, only to find out 2 years later that he continued the affair after the initial DDay. He has made some significant changes in recent months, mostly because his AP is suing us for her pain and suffering and I found out things he hadn’t told me in her discovery. I have also found out a lot by just innocently stumbling across it. How can I justify stopping to look for more, when there is always more that rears it’s head up and catches me off guard? It’s like a never ending DDay! We both want to stay together. And I can see actual change in him. But how do I stop hemorrhaging when the past won’t leave ME alone?
Since you have not had full
In reply to The First Step by dauntlessduo
Since you have not had full disclosure you keep being bounced back to DDay AGAIN which then dominoes into discovery again, and no wonder. I think anyone, including myself who had multiple DDays over the same affair, was held in a holding pattern because the discovery was continuous. We cannot trust someone, which is what is required in a marriage, if they do not prove to be trustable. "The past", because of the continuous discovery is constantly the present. How can anyone stop discovery when the discovery occurs without attempts at trying to discover! What I found was acceptance that I could not heal because the wound was constantly torn off because my WH did not fully disclose leaving me to, like you, innocently discover. I say innocently because I was NOT snooping and looking for more information it just reared its ugly head. Frankly I see it as a form of abuse because as long as you are in a relationship with this person who does not trust you enough with the information of their affair, and who with their mouth claims to want to continue in a relationship with you without full disclosure, you are going to continue to be damaged emotionally each time another new piece of information is revealed. It takes trust to move forward with a wayward spouse. We want to trust, but instead of being set free with full disclosure the wayward spouse has chosen a method of control by retaining discoverable information. Freedom comes when we either accept that if I stay and there is not full disclosure then I am always vulnerable to being hurt, when our spouse finally discloses everything and true repentance occurs, or we decided that it is no longer worth being vulnerable to someone who has a hold on our emotions at such a hurtful level. The last step may be the first step by discontinuing the control due to the slow leak of information. I wish you emotional health on this journey. I am post DDay 10 years, and because of the slow leak behavior I experienced did not start real recovery until I did the third step and stopped having any expectations of my spouse...he was not worth constant emotionally draining and robbing of my life.
Just what I needed
This article is exactly what I needed today. I am 5 months from discovery. My wife and I are still together and I am thankful for the progress we have made. But I do have days where I feel “stuck” (like today) and these words were the encouragement and advice I needed to hear.
I am still stuck. It will be
In reply to Just what I needed by John U
I am still stuck. It will be two years in September since "D" day. I am still on discovery. My husband continued to lie to me after the affair about little things I would ask. Just today I found out more. I keep digging because I don't believe him after all the lies. I want to be better but can't seem to move on. I still hurt after two years like it was yesterday. I know I need to give it up and just accept what he has told me but when he lies about even little things what else has he lied about.
Stuck
In reply to Just what I needed by John U
I am 4 months from discovery, I too feel stuck, not so much in the discovery, but feeling like I may never be able to forgive, forget, trust again and move on.....he is trying....maybe it comes in time......but thanks this may help......
Stuck doesn't describe it
I feel that the only movement is backwards. I've caused a real mess by the way I've handled this. In the beginning I didn't find that me reaching out to an old lover was that big of a deal. It was though, to him. I then put his needs last because of my avoidance issues and my biggest mistake of all was... Letting him lose to view my bank statements, call and text logs for my phone and my mother's and my Google time line, thinking if he just looked at it all he'd see that I'm innocent from any other betrayl. That only opened up more doubt and questions. Questions that I'm a loss to remember. I've offered poly graphs, tried counclers, begged to do boot camp but all I feel is his distainment towards me and the hatred and anger boil over DAILY. He says I'm not genuine and I'm not honest and I'm every bad name in between. I'm so buried in my initial mistakes that he sees nothing worth staying for. I think if he had somewhere to go he'd be gone. He has tried really hard and tried many approaches to bringing process to his healing but I believe his need of control and my lacking of validation drives him to see red. I have such a hard time seeing things from his eyes when I know I haven't been the evil woman he believes I am. We work together so when could I have cheated. He says I need to have my place as the person who's betrayed. I need to be someone else during this recovery. Someone like himself cause how I respond or cope is far different then his. I wish I could show him this article to help us. It also makes me so sad, that he is hurting so much. A year and a half ago I found out he had sex with his baby's mama, and in fear of losing him and to not become overcome with his betrayl I chose to push through it and move on. I'm puzzle why he wants to hold on to this so much. Sometimes I feel he is holding on because his baby's mama is that evil person he thinks I am. And he's punishing me for what she has done. There's something to be said about what you said. Be accountable for your own, even if they were good or bad to you.
Am I stuck?
We are 2 1/2 years from DDay #1 and 2 yrs from DDay #2. There hasn't been a DDay #3 because I have stopped looking/digging. The claim is "just" an emotional affair. The evidence leads me to think otherwise. Not once that I can think of has my wife told me any piece of information about the affair. I found it all out through text messages. Initially, I asked tons of questions, all with answers you'd hope to hear. DDay #2 began to unravel those some of those answers, creating more questions. Now the claim is, "there's nothing else to tell." This gets re-stated over and over again. I, for obvious reasons, do not believe her. Am I asking for more than is necessary? Am I stuck? Should I just move on and try to let it go? We are doing ok and have had other life trials that have brought us together, but the bottom-line is I do not trust her now anymore than I did a 2 yrs ago. I don't like that feeling. Any thoughts?
Asking questions
I understand that to keep asking questions about details is not always beneficial to healing myself. But somehow I have a gut feeling that there is something more, and I can't find out if it is me trying to analyze everything, or if he has a hard time telling me hard truths. He has answered my questions, and tried to explain why and how he did what he did and how he got there. He understands my pain, and does feel true shame and remorse. He has many times told me he has told me everything there is. It just seems the story doesn't add up, and when we talk about it (we do talk calmly and rationally), it just seems like the story is always downplayed, and he swears there are time lines and details he doesn't remember. It's not even about the details to me sometimes, it's about feeling like he's protecting me rather than giving hard truths so that I can heal. All of his other actions are wonderful, and he seems to want to be open. At what point do I realize I may not know all of the details or even truths about how serious it may have been? I think my greatest battle is my gut instinct telling me there is more to the story, and I feel I would be not trusting myself by trying to let it go. I have tried over the past six months to let it go, tried to realize that maybe the answers won't help my recovery, but this feeling won't go away.
Asking Questions
In reply to Asking questions by Louc
I know it's been over a year since you posted. I wonder if you have found peace. I'm 3.5 years out from my D day and what you wrote resonates with me. This is holding me back. I'm hurt and frustrated that I assume I want the answers and frightened by the possible answers and whether they would be helpful afterall. I have decided to turn inside my self , work on learning to love myself. Meditating apps have turned a corner for me. There will always be a cloud over us but in my heart I know he is just not capable of giving more than he already has on my healing journey. My happiness is something I have a better chance of orchestrating. I get better loving responses when I am showing improvement. All the best at finding your inner peace.
Wayward spouse with cheaters amnesia
I ask my husband for answers about the affair to give him a chance to show remorse and prove he is willing to be transparent and honest from here on out. But he always says he does not remember the details of his 8 month affair. So we are stuck. We want to do EMS, but he says his answers will never change because he simply just does not remember much at all.
Great Article
Boy did this article resonate with me... I cheated on my wife just about two years ago. We've had ups and downs but always tracking upward. For the last few months now things have gotten backwards and I literally feel "stuck". This change has coincided with some changes at work which require more of her time and more travel. Her focus, which she fully admits to, is work and she will not commit to our relationship in any way. She will not say that the relationship is over either. She is going day-by-day and if I can't handle that then I can get out. She also claims to want to focus on being a mother, we have two beautiful girls (2-6) but that is not the case. Quite opposite, she has never been more disconnected with our girls which definitely wasn't the case before. I'm not talking about not being around because of her travel, i'm talking about being disengaged when they're together. In the meantime, I have done everything she has asked me, willingly. Still today, I feel guilty and ashamed of what I did and I am willing do anything. What I am noticing now is that she is no longer on the same page. In the past we would have ups and downs but we always ultimately had a moment where we would get together and agree on stuff. That isn't the case anymore. I find myself tired and I'm starting to feel resentment that this now seems like a one person effort. Why put in all this time and effort if she is now disengaged and focused on work. Recently, I put pressure on her to make a decision. Its only been two years but that is a fair amount of time to at least have an idea of how to move forward, together or not. She will not go to any sort of therapy. I don't know how to get unstuck!!!!
Unstuck
In reply to Great Article by Raul
This article resonated with me as well, as a betrayed wife. I can't speak for your wife, but I can encourage you to be patient. At some point I imagine you were disengaged from you wife while you were having an affair. I am also a mother of girls and I have chosen to stay with my spouse because of my daughters. Some times I wonder if I am teaching them to settle by staying with their father/my husband. Regrettably I inwardly blame my children for me continuing on in this marriage and think if I never had them I would have divorced my husband the moment I learned of his infidelity. This outwardly manifest as me being frustrated with my children and isolating myself from them. Infidelity to the betrayed spouse introduces a multitude of emotions, actions and behaviors. At some point we will all decide to stay or go, but each day brings new challenges and old hurt. Please be patient, she didn't put pressure on you to stay. Allow her time to heal, you may think two years is a long time. No one can determine how long it takes to heal a broken heart. If you chose to leave, ask yourself if you have done everything you can on your part and be sure you are at peace with your decision. You chose your wife twice now, there's something beautiful you see in her that's worth the work and the wait.
Stuck
I really appreciated this message in my inbox this morning.
I wonder if I'm "stuck"........I know I feel a need to question, and re question, to settle myself. My husband is doing everything humanly possible to support me, and has also promised to answer any and every question from now to eternity, but the truth is that some of the answers really don't help....they only settle me in the moment.
Such a hard journey......praying for acceptance and the ability to leave the past where it belongs, and forgiveness - so that we can live the best of the life that still waits to be lived.
How Long?
It has been 11 months since I discovered my wife had been having an affair with a co-worker. The affair ended, I am pretty sure upon discovery, however, she continued to work with him for 5 months after my discovery of the relationship. I initially asked for ALL the details, which my wife offered up somewhat willingly. Times, places and details of what exactly was done. She divulged things that she had done with this other man she had for 30 years told me she did not want to do. Now, she will offer to participate in these actions with me saying she likes it now. This leaves me with mental images of she and the affair partner in these acts and it immediately kills any feelings of passion I have for her. Is there any hope that after any amount of time that this will cease? I feel like I am becoming indifferent towards her now and just ready to move forward without her. I have held for the past 11 months that I wanted our marriage to work, and I don't have bitter feelings about the affair anymore - just these mental images that are stealing my closeness. Has anyone else gone through this and made it out on the other side? Is there hope here?
How long?
In reply to How Long? by Anonymous
Dear how long,
My husband refused to give me details however the AP's husband was given all the dirty details and while we commiserated he shared them all with me - initially I thought I needed to hear these and now, 2.5 years later I wish I did not know them because they do still cause pain. However- this far out, my husband has shown me that he is truly remorseful, wants to stay in the marriage, and with the test of time he has shown me he means it. Time is the ultimate healer - and your spouse being a completely open book, ie being precisely where they say they are, calling/texting to check in, allowing phone records to be checked, realizing the opening he gave to the AP in the first place and completely affair proofing our future life together.
It's so hard to get the pictures out of your mind but they do fade with time. When these images surfaced in my brain I would play some very upbeat/happy music and take my dogs walking alone and it also helped keep the demons at bay. I wish you luck and hope you find peace.
Connie
Stuck/rumination
Thank you, Rick, for you very helpful article. It has been 2.5 years since our DDay. My husband did break it off with the AP although they continued to work together for a short period of time. He did lock the door and did not respond to her subtle overtures. Fast forward 2 years- our marriage is doing great. He is the man I married- not the delusional stranger he morphed into for a short period of time. My issue now is exactly what you addressed- when do you stop discovery? He has answered my questions, albeit initially very slowly and grudgingly- protecting the AP. our counselor got him to open up and his answers helped me wrap my brain around the whole sordid affair. Lately, however, little questions that were never answered have started plaguing me- along with my rumination about the AP's lack of remorse or apology towards me. I realize that the answers will no longer matter, or change our life together so when those nagging thoughts enter my mind I need to learn to shut them down. It is counterproductive to keep asking my husband the questions because he he done the work and is here- all they do is make him feel guilty and sad all over again. Thank you for the tips to not be stuck in this discovery mode- at this point I do realize it dies not benefit my marriage at all.
STUCK
Great article. It has been 15 months since EMS WEEKEND and there are times when I still want to ask questions. I do agree the need to "know" lessens over time. My wife and I have been able to restore our marriage after her 10 month affair with a co worker. I can honestly say our marriage has never been better. EMS weekend gave us the tools to see this through. Thanks Rick and the whole team at affair recovery. You guys gave us hope when everyone else encouraged divorce.
When do the lies stop?
I know I am stuck, but during the first year of recovery my husband continued to lie about the details of the affair. How long it lasted, when it ended, what happened, etc. now he says everything is out, that I know the full truth, but I just don't know that I can believe it. He said he was too afraid that I would run if I knew the truth. He didn't understand that he made things so much worse by continuing to lie to me. I just don't know if I feel safe. How do you move on if you feel like something else will drop on you. I want so much to believe everything he is saying, and is actions show that he wants to stay in the marriage and continue to work on it, but I am having the hardest time trusting and believing.
How do you trust?
In reply to When do the lies stop? by Anonymous
His continuing to lie made things far worse. I don't blame you for having problems believing him. When someone has made the mistake of dribbling out information over time I often suggest the use of a polygraph. That may now be the only way you can ever believe you have the truth. I hope he's willing to help you. Rick
Realistic progress isn't good enough for my betrayer
Considering that we're just under four months from discovery, that I've lost so many things over his affair, the constant reminders, triggers even within my own house, I thought we were doing phenomenally... We've resumed friendship with each other, we pray together at least twice a day, he seems happy with us, wants to include me in his activities, shares in mine, has expressed hope and plans for our future, he even replaced or lost wedding rings and bought me a renewal ring as a promise to celebrate our upcoming 20th anniversary with a special mass and reception.
I thought all this was extremely hopeful. He's had a rough and steep learning curve as far as becoming safe for me. I've even stopped, for the most part, asking questions. I still have daily reminders, moments of binding rage and fury at what I've had to endure, but I manage to contain myself, I'm usually able to calm down alone, but once in a while, there is just one particularly vicious memory, or a suspicious event that will send me careening of the deep end. Mostly, I want to know why... why he could go literally, within a couple of weeks from loving andcrushing or life and marriage, to viscerally hating me, our relationship, and being so convinced that this vulgar, vile deviant he cheated with was the ultimate sample of womanhood. I know I will never have an answer... he can't even explain it to himself. But when I'm caught in that riptide, being drowned in that anger and confusion, he just wants to quit! He thinks nothing has changed, that his efforts are fruitless, that his only option is to leave me. His words were, " If I don't belong to you anymore, you can't be angry...You wouldn't have any reason to be sad, upset, suffering. I'd remove the source of your distress."
It's discouraging to me, that I now feel like I can't express myself. I can't be open with him about my distressful moments, because they just snd him running when all I need is reassurance and comfort from him. I know it's bordering on depending on him for my happiness, but that is what I need from him. At the beginning of discovery, I felt very rejected, hated, insulted, and every negative emotion from him. I'm still carrying a lot of the wounds his words inflicted, fresh and open in my heart... I've tried to change my perspective on why he said and did such things to me, but it doesn't take the pain away... logic is a lousy pain killer, I'm afraid.
I'm at a loss... I know what I need, I know what I feel, but it seems even the amazing progress so shortly after discovery isn't good enough for him...
helpful to take stock
Rick,
Your articles are full of wisdom and help me to take stock of my situation. For me this article and many of your articles have helped me queue myself to when to guard and when to possibly let go and let God. After Harboring Hope course I lean more on God.
Specifically from this article its rare I ask questions about husbands fantasy relationship. I say fantasy because my husband had a weird way to betray me. He'd become infatuated w/a woman at a gym program. I know they flirted a bit and emailed in a friendly manner. He withdrew from me and did not act himself and turned on me. I'd been seriously ill. My husband is a very hard worker and a good provider but has fallen short in terms of emotional support. (Could have a degree of Aspergers) While I was sick I was really scared and lonely.
My husband says he gave up on us because he'd worked hard while I was sick to help around the house and I did not appreciate him enough. Still, after he revealed his infatuation and that he 'loved me but was not in love" anymore he clung to the infatuation. He invented all kinds of other excuses for this continued fantasy betrayal.
I've believe I have read every marital book now and have gone to the moon in terms of investing time and attention into the relationship. So I'd been doing the work, present the concerns, pull out the issues, come up with new things to try etc and my husband tells me and himself he is working hard on the marriage because he is going along.
Now we are seeing a new therapist. So far she is not requiring him to do anything outside the
room we meet. He gets to show up. I guess she is trying to establish trust so he'll perhaps stop being mute. So I talk and the meetings are oriented around stuff I bring up. He does seem to learn a bit from the comments and interactions and there is some improvements outside.
Its difficult to be patient. I would say I have been pretty traumatized over a three year period. I can't say I'm at a 'good enough' point because my husband has just now comprehended the affects on me from his ambiguious state.
Its been difficult to pull out of a role that has made it difficult to nurture myself as well as I'd like to. But everyday I see God's hand in my life.
Still Stuck
It has been 20 months since my husband's affair. I am still stuck I admit it. He left as soon as the affair was discovered stating that it had gone too far and he had strong feelings for her. He is still with her and appears happy. He is blaming me for the end of our marriage and that the adult kids don't understand why is was okay for him to leave marriage. He continues to take me to court because he didn't agree with the settlement costing me money that I don't have.
It is difficult to move on...
I can't imagine
In reply to Still Stuck by Anonymous
I feel so bad about what you're going through. I'm glad that your kids see the truth, but grieved that he can't take responsibility for what he's done. I do hope you can find the grace to move forward even though he keeps trying to drag you back into his miserable life. It's time to move forward and find a better life. Don't let him be an anchor holding you back. With him it's not about letting go it's about moving on. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Rick
seperation and divorce
A lot of the help on here is about recovery when the couple's stay together, how do you cope when there is just no way back and you know the marriage is over? My husband cheated on me for 10 years of our 44 year marriage, there is no going back but I'm hurting so much and finding it so hard to move on.
Greiving
In reply to seperation and divorce by Anonymous
You're right there's resentment not enough material about those needing to move on. I think you might find help and support in the Harboring Hope course. That program isn't just for those wanting to save their marriage but also for those how are grieving over the loss. There's nothing like being with others who truly understand how you feel, but are committed to finding life rather than being trapped in bitterness and resentment. When you can find an internal piece, being content in what ever circumstance as the Apostle Paul wrote then you will transcended the evil he's perpetrated and move on. Find others who have been able to accomplish that end. Rick
Take responsibility
As the "Betrayer", 'Lettng Go of Discovery' and 'Take Responsibility...' really hit home. I can't tell you how many times my spouse, the Betrayed, has told me, "I didn't create this mess," or has asked explicit details of my affairs. It has been a difficult journey, especially for him, to try to let go and move forward. I understand now why his attempts of making me "fix this" always fails or falls way short of his expectations... because he needs to take responsibility for creating his happiness.
This is a wonderful and insightful article. Thank you for everything that you do.
You're right but...
In reply to Take responsibility by Eileen
I agree, but we still want to take responsibility for what we've done and do everything within our power to help them heal so they can move forward.
Rick
So...
In reply to You're right but... by Rick_Reynolds
Is answering the questions continuing to help them heal and move forward, or asking, like the example, will the answer actually help them heal?
I love Rick's response.
In reply to Healing by Rick_Reynolds
I love Rick's response.
I think he's right....I ask questions because I cannot put 2 and 2 together. Her affair was/is illogical, completely out of character and just doesn't make any sense. There's no justifiable or rational answer, so my mind and heart probe for one. I can't find one. She can't give one. Asking questions is how we cope until we begin to accept...accept that there is no great answer and accept that "it is what it is".
Once we accept, I believe that is when a real, rational and informed choice can be made to save the marriage or to move on. Before that, it's just emotion and love holding on for dear life.
Thanks Rick.
I waited for this
In reply to Take responsibility by Eileen
After reading the article, I was just waiting for a reply like this one: "Get over it already, it's your own responsibilty to create your own happyness, not my fault you're hurt by my actions".
And it's absolutely true, with a WS attitude like this, recovery of the marriage has very bad odds. If my fWW told me this, I would take responsibility for my own happyness and divorce her today. I do seek happyness by myself, within myself, in small everyday things - and don't rely on her to keep me happy, but if she doesn't care about creating safety in the relationship, making herself safe to be with, I'd rather be on my own.
You're right
In reply to I waited for this by Claus
If the unfaithful spouse doesn't take responsibility for creating safety in the relationship, making themselves safe to be then I agree it would be better to be on your own. To heal broken bonds requires the a willingness on the part of the wayward spouse to change the ways and show by their actions that you matter. Without that how can you feel safe? Rick
You're right
It has been almost a month since I found out about my husband's online affairs, and it's been driving me crazy - literally! I've been obsessed at finding out more and more about his multiple online affairs, and wondering whether he consummated any of them physically. I have been creating a timeline to figure out what he was doing, when, and what I was doing, and what we were doing together, and what he was saying to me (that he loved me - I was totally fooled by him!), and this has been going on for 10 years!!! I just found out last month. I need to move on, but I can't, but this article is another reminder that by remaining stuck on obsessing about the details of the affairs, he still has power and control over me. I'm determined not to let him control me, and I need to get past this. This will take a lot of effort on my part, however, because I have been hurt so much, and he betrayed me for 10 years, and he still refuses to admit to the affairs. First, he isn't aware that I know, and second, he believes that it's not an affair if it's not physical. Why am I staying with this man? I often wonder why, why am I trying so hard to save my marriage? And the answer is always because of our kids. So I need to get past all this and be a strong mother for them.
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