Considering that we're just under four months from discovery, that I've lost so many things over his affair, the constant reminders, triggers even within my own house, I thought we were doing phenomenally... We've resumed friendship with each other, we pray together at least twice a day, he seems happy with us, wants to include me in his activities, shares in mine, has expressed hope and plans for our future, he even replaced or lost wedding rings and bought me a renewal ring as a promise to celebrate our upcoming 20th anniversary with a special mass and reception.
I thought all this was extremely hopeful. He's had a rough and steep learning curve as far as becoming safe for me. I've even stopped, for the most part, asking questions. I still have daily reminders, moments of binding rage and fury at what I've had to endure, but I manage to contain myself, I'm usually able to calm down alone, but once in a while, there is just one particularly vicious memory, or a suspicious event that will send me careening of the deep end. Mostly, I want to know why... why he could go literally, within a couple of weeks from loving andcrushing or life and marriage, to viscerally hating me, our relationship, and being so convinced that this vulgar, vile deviant he cheated with was the ultimate sample of womanhood. I know I will never have an answer... he can't even explain it to himself. But when I'm caught in that riptide, being drowned in that anger and confusion, he just wants to quit! He thinks nothing has changed, that his efforts are fruitless, that his only option is to leave me. His words were, " If I don't belong to you anymore, you can't be angry...You wouldn't have any reason to be sad, upset, suffering. I'd remove the source of your distress."
It's discouraging to me, that I now feel like I can't express myself. I can't be open with him about my distressful moments, because they just snd him running when all I need is reassurance and comfort from him. I know it's bordering on depending on him for my happiness, but that is what I need from him. At the beginning of discovery, I felt very rejected, hated, insulted, and every negative emotion from him. I'm still carrying a lot of the wounds his words inflicted, fresh and open in my heart... I've tried to change my perspective on why he said and did such things to me, but it doesn't take the pain away... logic is a lousy pain killer, I'm afraid.
I'm at a loss... I know what I need, I know what I feel, but it seems even the amazing progress so shortly after discovery isn't good enough for him...
Realistic progress isn't good enough for my betrayer
Considering that we're just under four months from discovery, that I've lost so many things over his affair, the constant reminders, triggers even within my own house, I thought we were doing phenomenally... We've resumed friendship with each other, we pray together at least twice a day, he seems happy with us, wants to include me in his activities, shares in mine, has expressed hope and plans for our future, he even replaced or lost wedding rings and bought me a renewal ring as a promise to celebrate our upcoming 20th anniversary with a special mass and reception.
I thought all this was extremely hopeful. He's had a rough and steep learning curve as far as becoming safe for me. I've even stopped, for the most part, asking questions. I still have daily reminders, moments of binding rage and fury at what I've had to endure, but I manage to contain myself, I'm usually able to calm down alone, but once in a while, there is just one particularly vicious memory, or a suspicious event that will send me careening of the deep end. Mostly, I want to know why... why he could go literally, within a couple of weeks from loving andcrushing or life and marriage, to viscerally hating me, our relationship, and being so convinced that this vulgar, vile deviant he cheated with was the ultimate sample of womanhood. I know I will never have an answer... he can't even explain it to himself. But when I'm caught in that riptide, being drowned in that anger and confusion, he just wants to quit! He thinks nothing has changed, that his efforts are fruitless, that his only option is to leave me. His words were, " If I don't belong to you anymore, you can't be angry...You wouldn't have any reason to be sad, upset, suffering. I'd remove the source of your distress."
It's discouraging to me, that I now feel like I can't express myself. I can't be open with him about my distressful moments, because they just snd him running when all I need is reassurance and comfort from him. I know it's bordering on depending on him for my happiness, but that is what I need from him. At the beginning of discovery, I felt very rejected, hated, insulted, and every negative emotion from him. I'm still carrying a lot of the wounds his words inflicted, fresh and open in my heart... I've tried to change my perspective on why he said and did such things to me, but it doesn't take the pain away... logic is a lousy pain killer, I'm afraid.
I'm at a loss... I know what I need, I know what I feel, but it seems even the amazing progress so shortly after discovery isn't good enough for him...