Stuck? Three Methods to Get Moving in Infidelity Recovery

One truth we've learned at Affair Recovery is that it's not just time that heals wounds; it's how you spend the time that heals wounds. Often, I hear about or see couples that are just plain "stuck." The good news is you don't have to be stuck. You can move toward healing, gain momentum, and sustain, it during your recovery journey.

You might be saying to yourself, "Easier said than done, Rick." I hear you. Trust me, I do. I'm not going to tell you it's easy to move forward. Instead, I want to share how to actually get unstuck during infidelity recovery. If you're feeling frustrated, lost, or just plain stuck, I recommend using these three tips to maintain traction in your personal recovery.

1. Let Go of Discovery

There comes a point in infidelity recovery where you're going to understand what happened as well as you're ever going to. And once you understand the situation, seeking more details can actually be quite disruptive when recovering from infidelity pain. With each new detail, the betrayed spouse might get sucked back into the pain they want to move past. With each new answer, the wayward spouse might re-experience the shame they want to escape. There is such a thing as too much detail.

Cindy Beall, an inspirational infidelity survivor and author, was our 2018 Hope Rising Conference keynote speaker. You can view her powerful speeches by purchasing 2018 Hope Rising On Demand. Additionally, if you're the betrayed spouse, I encourage you to continue your journey to wholeness by registering for our virtual 2023 Hope Rising Conference. In Beall's book Healing Your Marriage When Trust is Broken*, she discusses why questions can sometimes hinder healing:

"Sometime during the first year after Chris' confession, I finally made a decision. Chris and I were discussing the past, and I don't remember exactly what I asked him, but it had something to do with an encounter he had with a woman. He very gently took my hand and said, 'Babe, I'll answer any question you ask for the rest of my life, but will my answer make you feel any better?'

I looked into his eyes and knew he was right. The answer wouldn't make me feel better. The only thing it would do is tell me the date and time that he made a fool of me. I know that when I ask questions, it comes from a place of fear in me. My heart starts beating faster, and I literally don't have the physical or mental strength to stop moving forward in my quest for answers. So I stopped asking questions. And maybe you should too."

Beall goes on to explain that very specific details, such as which sexual acts were performed and how often they occurred, won't help you feel better but may make you feel worse. Asking questions to grasp what happened is one thing, she says, but too many details may be triggering or cause you to imagine what happened — both of which are surefire ways to stay stuck during infidelity recovery.

Beall continues:

"I know how hard it is to let it go and stop asking questions. So, here's what I did to walk myself through that. When my curiosity got the best of me, I first asked myself two questions:

1. Why do I need to know this?
2. Will this help me heal?

More times than not, asking the question would only hurt me more, which would not bring healing. Other times, the point of my question was just to find out when I'd been fooled, thus fueling a pride issue I was battling."

2. Have a 'Good Enough' Recovery

To some of you, I know this may be a controversial way of approaching affair recovery. We typically think of infidelity recovery in all-or-nothing terms. Our fear of relapse produces an intense need to get it right, and we want our mate to get it right even more. Who would want to take the chance of ever going through this pain again?

But fear and perfectionism cloud our judgment. When we don't just want our mate to "get it," but to "get it" perfectly, we can get stuck in a hopeless loop. There comes a time when you have to decide that they understand it well enough. Remember, they are not you, and they may never be able to fully understand; if they are trying to understand, then you can give yourself the gift of accepting what is as good enough. Hopefully, over time, the two of you will continue to grow in understanding.

Keep in mind: I'm not saying, "Get over it," or "Just deal with it." In no way do I think betrayed spouses should accept being blamed for their mate's affair or being treated in any sort of unloving way. I'm also not suggesting that you continue to live with someone who is unsafe and refuses to get help. What I am saying is there comes a point where you accept a heartfelt desire to get healthy, even though it may not look exactly like you want it to.

3. Take Personal Responsibility for Your Healing

If you're the hurt spouse, I understand how devastating this is for you. You didn't ask for this. When recovering from infidelity pain, you may experience the temptation to make your mate "fix this mess," which is their mess and their fault, in order to help you feel more secure. That decision, however, puts your infidelity recovery in the hands of another, whose actions have already proven hurtful. Think about it. Why would you want to be dependent on them for your healing and the future quality of your life?

You may need to read that statement again to grasp my true heart's intent. If your happiness is dependent on your mate always saying or doing the right things, then your success is dependent on someone whose performance is already suspect. I am not saying you should leave your marriage, nor am I saying that their helpful actions cannot aid your recovery, but I am saying your happiness and the quality of your life is in YOUR hands.

Not to minimize the difficulty of your current situation, but some day, the feelings you're currently experiencing will pass just like every feeling before has passed.

Ultimately:

• You get to choose the principles you'll live by as you go forward.
• You get to choose whether you'll be open to learning new ways of being.
• You get to choose the story you tell yourself about what's happening.

You can either see yourself as a powerless victim who's forever trapped in circumstances beyond their control, or you can take responsibility for your life and intentionally make choices that bring life to others and to yourself.

Unfortunately, we cannot choose what happens to us — as every hurt spouse in this situation understands. We can, however, choose how we respond. This situation doesn't have to define you. If you're feeling stuck, ask yourself whether you're ready to move forward. If you're not quite ready, that's OK; just know you can move forward if you so choose. When recovering from infidelity pain, you don't have to get it right, you just have to take a step. The goal is progress, not perfection.

If you're the betrayed spouse and feel stuck, I encourage you to invest in your personal restoration by registering for our cathartic Harboring Hope course. If you're the wayward spouse and want to get unstuck, reconcile with your spouse or family, and/or escape shame, I encourage you to register for our transformative Hope for Healing Hope for Healing course. Both of these life-changing online courses are safe spaces to heal and rebuild when recovering from infidelity pain. Remember, you matter and your future is worth fighting for.