Since you have not had full disclosure you keep being bounced back to DDay AGAIN which then dominoes into discovery again, and no wonder. I think anyone, including myself who had multiple DDays over the same affair, was held in a holding pattern because the discovery was continuous. We cannot trust someone, which is what is required in a marriage, if they do not prove to be trustable. "The past", because of the continuous discovery is constantly the present. How can anyone stop discovery when the discovery occurs without attempts at trying to discover! What I found was acceptance that I could not heal because the wound was constantly torn off because my WH did not fully disclose leaving me to, like you, innocently discover. I say innocently because I was NOT snooping and looking for more information it just reared its ugly head. Frankly I see it as a form of abuse because as long as you are in a relationship with this person who does not trust you enough with the information of their affair, and who with their mouth claims to want to continue in a relationship with you without full disclosure, you are going to continue to be damaged emotionally each time another new piece of information is revealed. It takes trust to move forward with a wayward spouse. We want to trust, but instead of being set free with full disclosure the wayward spouse has chosen a method of control by retaining discoverable information. Freedom comes when we either accept that if I stay and there is not full disclosure then I am always vulnerable to being hurt, when our spouse finally discloses everything and true repentance occurs, or we decided that it is no longer worth being vulnerable to someone who has a hold on our emotions at such a hurtful level. The last step may be the first step by discontinuing the control due to the slow leak of information. I wish you emotional health on this journey. I am post DDay 10 years, and because of the slow leak behavior I experienced did not start real recovery until I did the third step and stopped having any expectations of my spouse...he was not worth constant emotionally draining and robbing of my life.
Since you have not had full
Since you have not had full disclosure you keep being bounced back to DDay AGAIN which then dominoes into discovery again, and no wonder. I think anyone, including myself who had multiple DDays over the same affair, was held in a holding pattern because the discovery was continuous. We cannot trust someone, which is what is required in a marriage, if they do not prove to be trustable. "The past", because of the continuous discovery is constantly the present. How can anyone stop discovery when the discovery occurs without attempts at trying to discover! What I found was acceptance that I could not heal because the wound was constantly torn off because my WH did not fully disclose leaving me to, like you, innocently discover. I say innocently because I was NOT snooping and looking for more information it just reared its ugly head. Frankly I see it as a form of abuse because as long as you are in a relationship with this person who does not trust you enough with the information of their affair, and who with their mouth claims to want to continue in a relationship with you without full disclosure, you are going to continue to be damaged emotionally each time another new piece of information is revealed. It takes trust to move forward with a wayward spouse. We want to trust, but instead of being set free with full disclosure the wayward spouse has chosen a method of control by retaining discoverable information. Freedom comes when we either accept that if I stay and there is not full disclosure then I am always vulnerable to being hurt, when our spouse finally discloses everything and true repentance occurs, or we decided that it is no longer worth being vulnerable to someone who has a hold on our emotions at such a hurtful level. The last step may be the first step by discontinuing the control due to the slow leak of information. I wish you emotional health on this journey. I am post DDay 10 years, and because of the slow leak behavior I experienced did not start real recovery until I did the third step and stopped having any expectations of my spouse...he was not worth constant emotionally draining and robbing of my life.