In the reaction task, as you think of questions or request details about the betrayal, we recommend a twenty-four hour waiting period before asking.

People react in many different ways after finding out their spouse has been unfaithful. Some people tend to be ostriches and ignore what is happening. Others become volcanoes, erupting all over everyone and everything. Most fall somewhere in between. We believe it is important to know how long the infidelity occurred, what it included, and with whom it took place. While you should (and have the right to) seek all this information, how much information you need may vary.

In the reaction task, as you think of questions or request details, we recommend a twenty-four-hour waiting period before asking. We call it the "24-hour rule." It can be helpful to jot your question down in a safe place and then pray about it for twenty-four hours. Ultimately, it's best not to ask a question at all until you are sure you are ready for the answer—whatever it is. Another way to keep your motivation in check is to ask yourself - what possible benefit will you receive from the answer.

Quite often, a woman or man in your position unintentionally finds out too much too quickly and may be flooded with details and images of what happened which becomes a detriment to their healing process. However, if you both are considering working toward reconciliation, it is important that your mate answer any question you ask. The burden of protecting you from too much information is yours, not theirs. The betrayed spouse must first decide how much detail they really need, and the wayward spouse must commit to honesty.

A betrayal is not one loss; betrayal is a whole group of losses both partners must work through. The betrayed partner must meet the challenge of adjusting to how the betrayal affects their sense of self, their sense of the world, their sense of their mate, their feelings about the past, their vision of the future, and even their beliefs about God. Remember, your spouse has known the truth for much longer than you have. They have a difficult and humbling road ahead of them but wrapping their mind around the betrayal event(s) is not one of them. It will take some time for you to experience your emotions and thoughts regarding all of your losses.

We should point out a few things about one emotion in particular: anger. Despite its potentially negative power, anger is a secondary emotion. Hurt, fear, and inferiority are often the feelings that fuel anger. It is easy to let them build up until we explode at someone. On the other hand, anger turned inward can become depression. Journaling can be extremely helpful for those who are prone to keeping it all inside. After you emotionally spew on the paper, go back and look for the hurt, fear, and any other identifiable feelings that you can express without wasted and destructive energy.

Please do not misunderstand. We are not encouraging you to ignore your anger or avoid expressing it, but you need to be as intentional as possible in identifying it and then work to express it without destroying others or yourself in the process. Please do not push aside your feelings and tell your spouse that “everything is okay” because you believe you must act perfectly in order to keep them and fix your life together. Your partner needs to hear that you are hurt and afraid and that you feel demeaned by their actions, lies, and infidelity.

It also may be useful for you to rant to a friend when your anger is building or raging. This person needs to be a "safe friend," not just anybody. If you desire reconciliation for your marriage, choose a friend who will listen to you without judgment, one who will support your reconciliation efforts and turn you back toward peace. It is important to cling to the right help, not what you or your friend may have heard on television or read in a book. Experience your feelings but do not make decisions based on them.

You must carve out and protect the time and space to grieve. Everyone grieves differently, but feelings cannot be avoided. If you try to circumvent your emotions, they will only resurface later, perhaps at a time when your spouse has more difficulty expressing empathy. Taking time for yourself is not selfish. It may feel that way because you have grown unaccustomed to it. It is imperative to allow yourself time to be alone with your thoughts and your feelings, even if it is only for thirty minutes a day.

You and your spouse have separate paths of recovery, and it is quite normal for you both to come to a place down the road where the unfaithful person is puzzled that the hurt spouse is not doing better. As we mentioned previously, the betrayer will likely feel much relief relatively soon after disclosure and wonder why their spouse does not feel that same relief. They may try to tell their betrayed partner how well they are doing and that they are confused by their partner's inability to see and believe that they are both being truthful and doing well.

Several factors can influence the time frame of the extreme difference in feelings. One factor that can affect the length of recovery is the type of betrayal, whether it is a long-term, emotionally entangled affair, a behavior connected to a sexual addiction, or something entirely different and unique. It is not uncommon for individuals involved in sexually addictive behavior to begin to feel better quite soon after disclosure, after they are no longer terrified that they will be “found out” and instantly lose their marriage and family. Typically, the more emotionally entangled the situation, the longer it will take to recover. It is necessary for the wayward partner to disengage from the relationship, grieve the loss of the relationship (as hard as that may be for the betrayed to acknowledge), and reengage in the marriage relationship.

Betrayed spouses, you are vulnerable right now, whether you realize it or not. You are hurt and have perhaps feel ignored and maybe even misused. Your anger and resentment are understandable, but I want you to realize that you are extremely susceptible to slipping into an inappropriate friendship yourself, one that includes emotional and/or sexual intimacy.

You are also vulnerable to proving to yourself that others still find you attractive and appealing. Please do not re-victimize yourself by falling into this trap. We believe putting yourself in vulnerable positions, flirting with others, or engaging in other emotionally risky behaviors will only reinforce your feelings of being a victim all over again. Don't put yourself in a position to attract attention from someone about whom you know nothing. It will complicate your life in the most inopportune way. It is difficult enough to work through the pain of betrayal without adding more confusion to the situation. Seeking and finding attention from others is only a temporary solution to a long-term issue. It is also potentially dangerous. Please honor and respect yourself enough to not engage in any activity you would want to lie about to your children, closest loved ones, or spouse. Though the temptation for revenge is palatable (and understandable), it will only damage yourself and add to the already excruciating pain you are feeling.

There is one last, and often overlooked, warning about vulnerabilities. You are at risk of withdrawing from all meaningful relationships. Who could blame you since those friendships are constant reminders that your life is currently upside down! The tendency is understandable, but it is important to seek trusted friends for connection and also to seek expert help. When you are left alone to process your feelings, it is too easy to feel guilt or shame that does not belong to you. We've yet to find a situation where walking this journey alone is a good idea, yet as we said before, it's important to choose those you share with carefully and prayerfully.