For many, ambivalence can feel paralyzing. Between the ups and downs and the back and forth, it seems to never end. Often, the struggle to find clarity leads many to a place of hopelessness and despair. The good news: There is a way to get out of ambivalence.

How Does Ambivalence Affect Us?

Last week, I mentioned the book “Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change.”* Its authors William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick do a great job of explaining ambivalence: “Ambivalence is simultaneously wanting and not wanting something, or wanting both of two incompatible things. It has been human nature since the dawn of time. It is therefore normal when a person is ambivalent to hear two kinds of talk mixed together.”

• The first type is “change talk”: Statements that favor change.
• The second type is “sustain talk”: Arguments for not changing.

Basically, as Miller and Rollnick explain, ambivalence is like having two voices in your mind that can’t agree on what to do. When you’re ambivalent, you can seem resistant or even oppositional to change. In reality, you may want to change but, at the same time, you may also want to maintain the status quo.

What Does a Commitment to Change Look Like?

The way out of ambivalence is through the hard work of recovery, the hard work of seeking clarity and understanding. A commitment to change and a desire to change are not the same. Commitment carries you through on the path of change long after your desire for change has faded. It certainly doesn't mean there isn’t another part of you that wants something else. For example, I may guarantee that I'm going to do what it takes to lose weight, but that doesn't mean there's not a part of me that wants to skip working out tonight and eat chocolate cake.

When someone comes to my office and is truly ambivalent, I ask them two defining questions:

1. Tell me about the voice that’s telling you to save your marriage. What is it saying to you?
2. Tell me about the voice that's telling you to end your marriage. What is it saying to you?

If I can get them talking and expressing their struggles, I can usually get them to develop momentum.

Why Can’t You Change Their Ambivalence?

A truth I tell wayward spouses and betrayed spouses is that you cannot want it more than your mate wants it. You have to come to a poignant stage of recovery called acceptance.

• If you can accept both your ambivalence and possibly your mate’s ambivalence, you will be one huge step closer to healing, clarity and maybe even restoration.
• If you cannot accept this ambivalence, you cannot face it head-on and work to overcome it.

Let’s say you’re the wayward spouse and you want the marriage to work. Your mate, on the other hand, is ambivalent and doesn't know whether they want to remain married. You may be mad that they won't make a decision, that they won’t make a commitment. But remember, the infidelity recovery timeline can be 18 to 24 months — or even longer. They may not know what they want right now. They may need more time to experience a major sense of clarity.

As co-author of Harboring Hope Leslie Hardie, LCSW, often says, "It's not time that heals all wounds, it's what you do with the time." Truer words about recovery have never been spoken.

How Can You Move Past Ambivalence?

I encourage wayward spouses and betrayed spouses to make a definitive, short-term commitment NOT to commit either way to the marriage. Instead, I ask them to commit to the work of recovery.

When you focus on the work you need to do for yourself, then you’re free to visit all possible outcomes and find new pathways to self-respect, dignity and healing. If you’re busy focusing on what they’re doing and their ambivalence, then you can become angry with them and feel completely and utterly stuck. If you allow yourself to not make a decision now, on the other hand, it creates space to do your recovery work and truly absorb it. It allows you to not only work on the relationship, but it also allows you to work on healing yourself.

• For unfaithful spouses looking for clarity and guidance during recovery, I highly recommend registering in Hope for Healing. Over the course of 17 weeks, you can hone your understanding of what recovery means, begin to escape your shame and finally tackle your ambivalence head-on.
• For betrayed spouses needing additional support and resources during the healing process, I highly recommend registering in Harboring Hope. Over the course of 13 weeks, you can discover ways to address your pain, grieve what happened and rebuild your confidence.

To date, these courses have helped thousands of participants, and they may also help you during this challenging season. If you have questions about any of our programs and courses, please don’t hesitate to message us at info@hope-now.com. One of our knowledgeable and caring employees will get back to you shortly.