For many, ambivalence is paralyzing. The ups and downs, the back and forth, it seemingly never ends. Often times, the struggle for clarity leads many to a place of hopelessness and despair. The good news is there is a way out.

A commitment to change and a desire to change are not the same. Commitment carries me through on my path of change long after my desire for change has faded. It certainly doesn't mean there's not another part of us that wants something else. I may guarantee you that I'm going to do what it takes to lose weight, but that doesn't mean there's not a part of me that really wants to skip working out tonight and eat chocolate cake.

To What Are You Willing To Commit To?

About this time, you may be asking, "well Rick, is there any way out or through this ambivalence?" There certainly is.

The way out is through the hard work of recovery. The hard work of seeking clarity and understanding. When someone comes to my office and is truly ambivalent, I ask them two defining questions:

1. Tell me about the voice that tells you to save your marriage. What is it saying to you?
2. Tell me about the voice that's telling you to end your marriage. What is it saying to you?

If I can get them talking and expressing their struggles, I can get them to develop momentum. As Miller and Rollnick, 1991 said, "ambivalence is simultaneously wanting and not wanting something, or wanting both of two incompatible things. It has been human nature since the dawn of time. It's therefore normal when a person is ambivalent to hear two kinds of talk mixed together. One type is change talk - the persons own statements that favor change. The opposite is sustaining talk - the persons own arguments for not changing, for sustaining the status quo."¹

Ambivalence is a bit like having a committee inside your mind, with members who disagree on the proper course of action. Argue for one side and the ambivalent person is likely to take up and defend the opposite. This is sometimes labeled as 'denial' or 'resistance' or 'being oppositional', but there is nothing pathological about such responses. It is the normal nature of ambivalence and debate. This debate process might seem therapeutic - a kind of psychodramatic acting out of the person's ambivalence with the helper simply representing the pro-change side -were it not for another principle of human nature, which is that most people tend to believe themselves and trust their own opinions more than the opinions of others. Causing someone to verbalize one side of an issue tends to move the person's balance on opinion in that direction. In other words, people learn about their own attitudes and beliefs in the same way that others learn them: by hearing themselves talk.² (Bem, 1967, 1972)

You Can Only Manage You

A truth I tell clients on both sides of the line of infidelity is that "YOU cannot want it more than your mate wants it." You have to come to a poignant stage of recovery called acceptance. As long as you live in denial you can never face what's eating at you, attempting to get you sideways in this whole thing. When you can accept both your ambivalence and possibly your partner's ambivalence, you are one huge step closer to finding healing, clarity, and possibly restoration. Without accepting this ambivalence on both sides of the equation, you remain paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake or choosing the wrong person to bank the next 50 years on.

If I'm the unfaithful spouse and I want the marriage and my mate doesn't know if they want to be married to me, I may be mad they won't make a decision. They don't want to make a commitment. But, I could also know it's going to take 18 to 24 months before they know. Why would I rationally expect them to know right now? It's going to reasonably take that much time before there will be a major sense of clarity. Leslie Hardie, co-author of Harboring Hope often times says, "it's not time that heals all wounds; it's what you do with the time."³ Truer words in recovery have not been said.

What Do I Do Then?

I encourage clients on both sides of the line to make a strong, definitive, short-term commitment NOT to commit either way to the marriage, but to instead commit to the work of recovery. If I focus on the work I need to do for myself, then I'm free to work on me. I'm free to visit all possible outcomes. I'm free to find new pathways to self-respect, dignity, and healing. If I'm constantly re-evaluating not only my options, but my spouse's options as well, I'm paralyzed. Paralysis leads to anger towards myself for my own ambivalence and possibly anger towards my spouse because of their ambivalence. I'm then an emotional ping pong ball, stuck between the paddle of certainty and ambivalence and no one is suffering as badly as I am. If I free myself from the chains of having to make a decision now I create space to do recovery work. I can not only work toward possibly healing the marriage, but also work toward healing for myself.

If you are the unfaithful spouse looking for clarity and healing for yourself, and a way to hone in on your own understanding of what recovery means for you, I'd highly recommend considering Hope for Healing as your next step in recovery.