Within the office walls of therapists who treat infidelity, you'll hear endless conversations about ambivalence. The wayward spouse may tell their mate they love them, but they're not in love with them. They likely know what they ought to do, but they may really want to be with the other person. They can't seem to make up their mind.

Ambivalence can also rock the world of the betrayed spouse. When their mate says they agree to give the marriage a chance, it instills hope. When they later say they have absolutely zero desire to work on saving the marriage, it’s devastating. It’s like experiencing whiplash while standing completely still.

Is Ambivalence Common in the Healing Process?

After 40-plus years of treating infidelity and addiction, I've come to realize that ambivalence is simply part of the grueling process of recovery. It is the stage where we consciously or subconsciously choose to keep our options open by not committing to change. This is touched upon in the book “Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change.”* In it, authors William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick share this research:

Consider next that most people who need to make a change are ambivalent about doing so. They see both reasons to change and reasons not to. They want to change and they don’t want to, all at the same time. It is a normal human experience. In fact, it is an ordinary part of the change process, a step along the way.

They also say, “If you’re ambivalent, you’re one step closer to changing.” Unfortunately, both betrayed spouses and wayward spouses can mistakenly view their mate's ambivalence as a sign that they’re not considering any form of reconciliation. In reality, ambivalence is a common part of the change process.

How Do You Recognize Ambivalence?

It's easy to spot ambivalence in one's mate, but how good are we at spotting it in ourselves?

For betrayed spouses, it's a common reaction to want to push your mate away in anger. This can happen during an intimate moment or when a trigger reminds you of what happened. A part of you may want to be with your spouse, but another part of you may jump up and say, "Oh no, I’m not going there again!" Later, your rage might give way to a desire for connection; but once you move toward your mate, anger or fear might intervene once again and cause you to push them away.

For wayward spouses, it's also common to feel ambivalent about the marriage if you’re extremely focused on your mate's ambivalence and, in turn, not focused enough on yourself. You can see your efforts to regain their trust, but you may be blind to your own increased — and projected — ambivalence about the relationship each time your mate rebuffs you.

While ambivalence is gut-wrenching, it is not proof that the marriage is over or that there is no hope. As counterintuitive as it may seem, it's a common part of the recovery process and a byproduct of the flurry of differing voices going off in one's head every day.

Which Language Are They Speaking: Ambivalence or Commitment?

What I listen for, above all voices, is a shift to the language of commitment. Are they committed to doing something? The language of ambivalence, on the other hand, says things such as, "I want to make my marriage work." But wanting to do something, such as forgiving your mate or working on the relationship, has nothing to do with actually being committed to doing it.

"Try," "need" and "want" are all words that fall short of the language of commitment. You may really want to stop stonewalling, for example, and while it’s admirable at face value, it shows a desire rather than a commitment to change. Another example: I may want to lose weight and exercise, and I will even tell you I'm going to try to lose weight, but what are the odds that I'll actually lose weight if it's something I'm only going to try to do?

Imagine Stephanie and I are doing a renewal of vows, and I say:

"Stephanie, I am going to try to love you. I really want to comfort you. I'm going to try to honor and keep you for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. I really want to forsake all others, and I will try to be faithful to only you for as long as we both shall live."

These noncommittal words stick out like sore thumbs, don’t they? The language of commitment sounds more like this:

• I guarantee I'm going to do this.
• I promise I'm going to do the [small group course, couples intensive, etc.].
• I will see a therapist to deal with my trauma.

While you may not know whether you want to stay in this relationship, it's more than possible to commit to a process of change to determine whether there's anything worth salvaging. I touch upon this in one of my Expert Q&As, which I encourage you to check out. When you make a commitment to change and personal transformation, the stage of ambivalence can be abandoned and a new course can be set.

Are you ready to start using the language of commitment and begin a new chapter? Consider signing up for EMS Weekend, our three-day program for couples. The journey you’re on might seem pretty impossible right now, but this intensive provides you with guidance, support and tools to survive and thrive after infidelity. We want to honor you, and we want to help you during this challenging time. To join me at our next EMS Weekend, either in person or virtually, register here. Space is limited.