When Is It Time to Pull Back and Simply Focus on Your Own Healing?

Samuel answers a viewers question and shares insight into when it's time to focus on your own recovery

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He won't commit

I've watched all your videos. So what happens when an unfaithful commits verbally but doesn't do anything to work on the marriage. We live like strangers in our home only speaking when it concerns our children. He's made no attempt to connect with me on any level, we only speak openly in couseling and then there's silence in our home for weeks until the next session. He's dictated every move we needed to make for recovery. We've been to couseling and psychologists and he blames me for his unfaithfulness saying I had multiple relationships before we got married which I've proven is untrue. He told me he Loves his AP but has never ever loved me and we've been married for 11yrs,his affair took 5 of them. Since being caught out for like the 10th time a year ago, He's been reaching out to other women chatting to them until early hours of the morning while I lay there in bed with him or while I'm sitting in the same room. I've moved out with my children a week now and he's dictating telling me that he will move in with me wherever I am because I'm currently staying with my parents until my new place is sorted out and he says there's no way he's backing down from coming to live with me. It's only after my move that he's shown me any sort of attention in over 1year. He blatantly denies talking to other women even though I've provided proof. I told him we needed a therapeutic separation so he can deal with his internal hurts and I can get couseling as well and then we can come together as a couple and see how we're going to move forward. I've taken him back and covered him numerous times in his affair but I can't continually feel so unloved. He says we have to make it work for the sake of children but he doesn't love or trust me and yet I've never been unfaithful. He doesn't take responsibility for his own actions and decisions that got us here but blames everything on me even to the point of saying I exposed too much about his affair in couseling sessions and made him look bad by telling them how long it spanned and he doesn't know how to forgive me for that.... I've tried everything but I've hit a rock and hard place I love him dearly but his unloving and uncaring attitude and his constant cheating is tearing us apart.... Any advice will help pls

very tough....

hello my friend.  i'm terribly sorry as that does sound tough and mentally exhausting for sure.  i'm very sorry for the pain you're walking through.  i'm so glad you took the power back and decided to move out.  you don't have to live in the prison on him dictating what you do and don't do and he doesn't have to live with you if you don't want him to.  that sounds like the elements of control to me if he's deciding what you can and cannot do.  there seems to be some very deep issues going on in his heart and soul that absolutely have to be addressed.  

Betrayed not wanting to heal

Hi Samuel, I’ve been following your vlogs since dday, it happened a month ago... I’m the unfaithful, im working as hard as possible to keep my relationship together after this. But my betrayed partner is not willing for me to help her heal... i fear this might be the end of us. Should this be the point where i move on into my own healing without her????

it's tough...

i would focus on what you can do.....help you and heal you.  IF she lets you, then you are there in a moment's notice to help her and support her.  if she refuses to let you, then i think you give her space and allow her to heal and grieve.  it doesn't mean you can send her letters or cards or something from time to time if you feel led to do that.  something like that may be really kind and special while giving her space and freedom to read them, if and when she feels like it.  i know it's so discouraging in these types of situations....but you can only do so much and then there is a shift of giving her her space, but focusing on you and doing all you can to get healthy.  patience is key.