Survivors Blog: 

Tara

Brave, beautiful, warrior. I shared with you previously how I was inspired by my daughter's choice of the three silver tiles. I talked about “being brave” and how I was able to resist the urge to be fearful, and chose to be brave. I also shared about the call I answered to rise up and be a warrior, to choose how I would respond to a trigger. Today, ladies, I want to tell you something that may be hard to hear. You are beautiful. If you are here reading this blog you know how difficult it is to feel beautiful after having found out about your husband's infidelity. But, his choices do not define who you are. Nor do they determine if you are beautiful or not. I was challenged to look at myself through a different lens. And I want to challenge you in the same way. I will admit, after 5 children in seven years, sure…my body wasn’t what it used to be. But really, was it simply outward appearance that drew my husband’s attention to another woman? I’m not proud of this, but perhaps you can relate — I tracked down this woman on social media. And then I asked myself, “Really? You pursued her over me?” This challenged me to look at the much bigger picture. I paused to consider — what were some of the other issues going on? I was able to see that he was feeling unsatisfied in his career. He felt like there was never enough time in the day to do the things he wanted to do. There were a slew of other things. And now, years later, I have even more things I can add to that list. For your situation — are there issues with addiction - pornography, alcohol, drugs? Is there a history of past abuse: emotional, physical, or sexual? All of these things and more may be at play in the “why” of the affair. Looking back now, hindsight is 20/20. But then, I was able to at least recognize a couple of issues that were going on - it wasn’t simply about my outward appearance. It's so easy to feel beautiful at the beginning of our love story, those early days of falling in love and feeling like all is good and right with the world. It's easy to feel beautiful when you're held near and dear to your husband's heart and when you're looked at with adoration. I want to remind you, as I had to remind myself, that you are beautiful, with or without your husband’s love or affection. We so often see ourselves through the eyes of man. But there is one greater than a man who looks at me, and you, and says, “You are beautiful. I have created you. You are my chosen one. You are my daughter and I love you.” God in heaven, Creator of the Universe, He Himself looks at me and sees the beauty that is inherent in who He has created me to be. But I am human. And I am hurt. And my perspective gets skewed. And so I need to return again and again to the fount of Living Water. I had to immerse myself in the Truth of God’s Word. Daily. You see, the thing is, there are a lot of things about me that fall short — I lose my temper with my kids, I get aggravated at the person in the checkout in front of me, etc, etc, etc. And yet, despite that — whether I see my beauty or not — is not what it's about. It's about taking hold of God's abundant grace and fully leaning into THAT. I don't measure up, and WILL NEVER measure up. And that’s okay. That's why Jesus came. So, the question becomes more about “Do I have the faith to take God at His word. Will I trust Him? Or will I rely on my perception of how others see me?” This is where being vulnerable with other women is so important. Let them into your thoughts. They can help redirect you to the truth of who you are — and it is not dependent on how a man sees you. You are a wife, a partner, a daughter, a mother, a sister, a friend, a neighbor. You are so much more than you may think. There are many things that can “make” us beautiful in others' eyes. And yet, just simply WHO you are — you are a woman who is made in the image of God — is enough. HE declares your worth. HE is the only One who has the authority to even issue that statement. And He does. YOU, dear woman, hurt and broken, God looks at you and loves you. He longs to draw you close to His heart, and hold you near. He whispers to your tender, fragile heart, “I have redeemed you, I have called you by name. I love you, you are Mine.” So, please, when you look at yourself in the mirror - know that you are seen, valued, and honored by the Maker of the Universe. He declares you as beautiful. The question is — will you believe what your Creator says about you? Or will you believe the lies that have surfaced in light of the infidelity. Hold fast to the truth.

Do you feel like you're in a battle? You feel weary, run down, and defeated. Is it hard to open your eyes in the morning to face the day? Does the thought of getting up and having to go through the motions of another day feel like more than you can bear? Is the highlight of your day when you can finally bury yourself under the blankets, or a bottle of wine, or [fill in your own blank]? I understand that well. But, I'd like to share with you today a story of an epic battle and a hard-won victory. For years, reading aloud was a daily habit for me. My five children and I would get cozy in the living room, the little ones would get a quiet activity like Legos or coloring—and we'd settle in for a good hour or so. We had started The Chronicles of Narnia. If you're familiar with it, you know it is quite lengthy, filled with epic battles and hard-won victories. Little did I know that I was about to embark on my own battle, with my own victories as well. We were in book one of the series when I discovered my husband's affair. If you're anything like me, the idea of losing myself in a fictional series that would last months sounded like a good thing to me. It was an easy escape into another world, and I could temporarily "forget" all my own pains. My children and I could run free in the hills of Narnia without a care in the world. And so, that's what we did. Well, a short while into the series and the ongoing affair, we began the next book. One of the main characters had the same name as my husband's affair partner. Are you freaking kidding me?! Really. I'm not lying. This was supposed to be my escape from this painful new reality! And now, every time I sat down to escape, I was faced with my current reality. Man, was I pissed!! Have you experienced this? You're just going along, dealing with your situation as best as you can. And maybe you've found a little escape. Maybe a movie, you're at church, out for lunch with a friend, and then—there it is, WHAM! THAT name. Your heart starts beating fast, your mind starts to spin. This pain has you pinned against the wall... again. I had two choices as I saw it: stop reading this damn book where I am continually saying this name out loud (!), or abandon the book and deal with the uproar from the five kids wanting to know why on earth I was quitting the series. Well, I love my kids and I loved the snuggles with them. I treasured this time with my children. Honestly, I liked and looked forward to this other world that was so far away from my own. And truthfully, they are great books. And so, I sucked it up. I stuck with it—to my great displeasure for quite some time. And I would read at night as well, while my husband was home, and he would hear me reading this name again and again. And believe me, he knew every time I read it I felt like a knife pierced my heart. But...what happened is I won a major battle. I've mentioned previously that I had three little silver tiles that became a mainstay for me in my daily routine. (These were gifts of jewelry from one of my daughters. I made them into earrings: Brave – Beautiful – Warrior.) In this scenario, I chose to be a "Warrior." This story here was me going to battle. I was determined to not let the enemy gain this victory. Whether you view your enemy as the affair partner, your spouse, the devil—whatever. I won this battle. I moved forward despite the struggle, I took ground that belonged to me. Over time, that name lost its power over me. That name no longer creates that terrible pain in my heart. I didn't allow my own pain, anger, and resentment to steal away a precious time for my children and myself. And better yet, I reclaimed something that was special to me, to our children, and even to our family... A sacred time that was special and set apart for us to be together. What is it for you that is in jeopardy of being stolen away? I want to encourage you to face that pain, face that fear—you are bigger than that. You, also, can be a warrior. You can take back ground that is yours and reclaim it. You may need help; I know I certainly did. I needed people who would surround me and support me, encourage me. Even strengthen me day by day. Maybe today is the day you reach out for support. If you don't have that support network already built into your life, Affair Recovery exists to help foster that community. You can face the pain—and overcome it. Although it stands threatening to steal away your joy, your hope, you too can be a Warrior. Take the ground that is yours. Stand firm and press on.

Rewind to Valentine's Day 1999. Envision a blanket spread with a mountaintop picnic, complete with Martinelli’s, fluted glasses, and chocolate-covered strawberries. The official “Will you marry me?” complete with an engagement ring. One of the most joyous days of my life. The dreams and expectations for our future were as wide and big as the view from that mountaintop. I couldn’t wait to start that journey. Fast Forward to Valentine's Weekend 2021. I just finished work at the warehouse. I was stopping at the grocery store on my way home. Feeling exhausted, dingy, and just plain down in the dumps. My husband and I were separated, and he was at the house spending some time with the kids. As I was walking into the store, you can imagine my shock upon seeing my husband—arm wrapped around his affair partner, laughing and talking with her as they walked away from the checkout. We made eye contact, but no words were shared. I was literally in a state of shock and disbelief. I managed to make it through the store, gathering the few things the kids and I needed. Passing helium heart balloons, bouquets of flowers, chocolate-covered strawberries, and stuffed teddy bears holding hearts. Men stood in line with flowers and chocolates. When I got to my car, I screamed my lungs out. Deep guttural cries of extreme anguish. Deep bellows of pain pouring out of my heart. Screams of anger because I literally told my husband, if you move in with her, DON’T do it there. I DO NOT want to run into her at the grocery store. And lo and behold—there she is, with MY husband’s arm draped over her, laughing together and having a grand ol’ time. I called my friend, and she talked me down. It took quite a bit of listening and patience on her part. Fast Forward Again - Valentine’s Celebration 2024 I’m thinking about last year around this time. My (second) husband took me out of town for a weekend. He had been out of town for a couple of months due to his mom’s fight with cancer and work. When he came back, he talked to my kids about taking me away for a weekend. They graciously agreed, and off we went. He found a lovely little place with a hot tub, walking distance to Main Street. He purchased all kinds of charcuterie so we wouldn’t even have to leave the place if we didn’t want to. Oh my goodness, it was a wonderful time. Return to the Present - Valentine’s Weekend 2025 Now, here I am—Valentine’s weekend 2025—serving at EMS (Emergency Marital Seminar) Weekend, Affair Recovery's weekend retreat for couples who want to heal from infidelity. How about that for a twist?! Who would have EVER guessed I would be helping others to find hope in the midst of their damaged marriages? Yet, here I am. Witnessing the determination of scores of couples doing the work to heal from infidelity. My point is this—it won’t always feel this way. I know the pain you are experiencing in this moment is absolutely devastating. I don’t deny it. My heart aches for you in your pain. I don’t want to diminish what you are facing. I simply want to let you know—it won’t always feel this way. There is a future ahead of you. There is hope. When I was in the midst of it, I likely would not have believed anyone telling me that I could ever feel differently. Those feelings of sadness, devastation, and anger (just to name a few) were entirely consuming. Nowadays, there are moments that will remind me of those emotions, and it’s strange. It almost feels like that was another life. But they don’t overtake me and dominate my life. You may not believe me. Nonetheless, I want to encourage you in this. Look up, look around. Sometimes simply getting your eyes off yourself and your particular situation can help. Getting outdoors just for a walk to see the sunrise or sunset can literally help. If you have the chance to see something new, this can help you remember there is a world beyond the pain you are in now. So, hold on, friend. Keep pressing on. Set your eyes above. Reach out to those around you for help, wisdom, and comfort. And keep going. You will see beautiful again.