Feeling Like a Zombie? How to Survive the Discovery of an Affair

Shortly after discovering my husband’s affair, I was at Costco. I remember finding myself walking up and down the aisles aimlessly. I had no idea why I was there or what I was doing. I felt like the life had been drained out of me and I was nothing but a shell. Does this sound familiar?

I called my friend while standing in one of the aisles. I told her, “I just feel like a zombie — the walking dead.” My life, in the moment, felt like it had lost all meaning. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, and I certainly didn’t know how to do it. I felt like I had no purpose.
My existence felt empty, void.

That sounds really drastic, I know. But if you are early on in your stage of learning of your spouse’s affair, you may be able to relate to this feeling of emptiness. I want you to know how sorry I am that you are going through this. It is awful.

I also want to give you hope. I can look back now, and although I can recollect that feeling, it is not my day to day existence. I have breathed again. I have felt life stir within me again. I no longer dread waking up and facing the day.

But if you are in that place, I want to share some things that helped me through it. First — a friend, one that I could call from the bustling aisles of Costco and tell them, “I don’t know what I am doing. Why am I here? I feel like a zombie. What should I do?” You need a friend who can speak truth over you and tell you, “You are not a zombie. You are a child of God, you will get through this.” This friend may not be walking the same road as you, but a true friend can listen to your heart, your pain, your agony. In being able to share our pain with others, it lightens our load. I listened to a book recently by Eddie Jaku, a holocaust survivor, titled The Happiest Man on Earth. One of the things he said really resonated with me:

When we have the freedom to talk openly with others who are listening and leaning in, something powerful happens. Our load is lightened. It can’t really be explained. Honestly, by sharing my pain that day with a friend, nothing about my circumstances changed. But, I was reminded that I had a friend who cared about me. And that really did change things for me on the inside.

Secondly, I intentionally carved out space to let my feelings out. I would tell the kids I’d be in my room for a bit, make sure all five of them were occupied, then I would go into my room, lock the door, and get the tissue box. When I got to my closet and closed the door, I’d set a timer for about 20 minutes. I would allow myself to weep, and question, and wonder, and scream, and all the things — for a set period of time. When the timer went off I would get up and go to the bathroom to wash my face. Then I would continue on with my day as best as I could. As you know, this newfound reality was all consuming. I could think of nothing else. But the truth was that I had five children I was homeschooling. You may be a stay at home mom with a household to manage. You may have a job that you leave the home for and are expected to get things done. And so to manage the necessary parts of my day to day life, I had to find a way to manage my pain, my runaway thoughts, and my broken heart. This time in my closet gave me an allocated “safe place” to let it out for a bit. Releasing my pain opened up a little bit of space inside of me so I could manage the other things. Since I knew that I would do the same thing again tomorrow, I was able to set aside my crazy train of thoughts temporarily.

Friend, again I am so sorry that you are walking through this. I do know it’s awful. Take a baby step today towards coping with your pain. Maybe you are ready to sign up for Harboring Hope, a safe place to connect with others who understand this struggle, can listen with empathy, and speak truth over you. You don’t need to do this alone.