Survivors Blog: 

Candace

Most couples don't fail to heal from infidelity because they don't love each other; they fail because of 10 common mistakes that stall the recovery process and can even end it altogether. We often make things worse because we’re operating out of shock and pain. I get it. I’ve been there, too. Whether you strayed or you were betrayed, today I’m giving you the manual we were never handed on our wedding day. Don't Skip the Other List You might be tempted to only read “your” list. That is a mistake in and of itself. If you’re the unfaithful spouse, you need to understand the betrayed partner's pitfalls so you can stop unintentionally triggering them! If you’re the betrayed, you need to hear the unfaithful’s list so you can understand why your partner is stonewalling. Top 5 Mistakes: Unfaithful Partner Unfaithful Partner Mistake #1 Not…

Infidelity doesn't just break your heart; it holds you hostage. You feel trapped inside your own life, paralyzed by fear. But did you know you weren't born with this anxiety? You learned it. Fear can trick us into believing life will always be like this. Today, we’re exploring the 12 most common fears that keep both betrayed and unfaithful spouses stuck in the trauma from infidelity. Most Common Fears Let’s start with the biggest fears of betrayed spouses: (I know I’m going to be in really good company with these…and I hear the first one the most often!) I fear the unknown. There is often a deep fear that we don’t know the whole truth, that there’s more that is intentionally being kept from us. If there’s been multiple D-Days, it’s so hard to know if there’s another one lurking around the corner. I fear they’ll relapse. A primary fear is that the…

The soul-crushing shock, the anger, the questions that haunt you in your sleep—as if sleep is even possible—I get it. I lived it. You want to know WHY the affair happened. Today, I want to share the specific breakthrough that moved my husband and I past the “why loop” and into actual safety. Whether your goal is reconciliation or just finding peace for your own future, exploring the “why” is ensuring that the past doesn’t repeat itself. Honest and Accurate Answers Are Not Possibly Early On Early into recovery, I kept begging my husband for an explanation. Something, anything, that would help me make sense of his insane choices. I didn’t know it then, but honest and accurate answers were not possible at that time. That’s because most unfaithful spouses are being driven by coping mechanisms, compulsions, false beliefs, and bad habits that run below the…

In this honest interview, you get to hear from the other half of Candace. Her and her husband’s story is a raw, heart-wrenching journey through years of recovery. From the pain of multiple D-Days and a "fraudulent recovery" to the miraculous rebuilding of their marriage, they are a powerful testament to the possibility of healing even from the basement of rock bottom. It wasn’t just the information that changed their path but the relationships that came alongside them. If you’ve been missing that critical piece of community, consider joining EMS Online for couples, Hope For Healing for unfaithful spouses, and Harboring Hope for betrayed spouses – all three courses provided critical components of community that were needed to move forward.

"How do you live with yourself?" he asked, sounding disgusted. "How do I live with myself?" I responded defensively, never expecting to be asked to defend my own existence as a betrayed spouse. I stumbled through an awkward reply before stopping mid-sentence and asking him to clarify. He wanted to know how I'd rebuilt my life after being dealt such a painful blow and how I could still be married to the person who caused it. It got me thinking: How do you reclaim your life, sanity, peace, and purpose after betrayal—yours or your partner's? How do you find a new reason to be together or a new normal when the old one is gone? The Truth About Life After Betrayal The bad news: Your life is never going to be the same. The good news: Your life is never going to be the same. If you loved your life before D-day (Discovery Day), you might beg, "Please, God…

“You don’t need trust.”, I read. “The hell I don’t!?!”, I scoffed out of disbelief for what I was reading. I was sitting in the lobby of a polygrapher’s office, waiting for my husband to come out with his “report card” in hand. That’s when I saw the article about trust. As a betrayed spouse, I know how it feels to have your entire life feel like a cruel joke. Trust? What trust? I get it. I struggle even today to find strong enough words to depict the distrust and pure animosity I felt toward my husband, my marriage, and my life after D-Day (Discovery Day). Today, we give a toast to our marriage every weekend—something I would have rolled my eyes at in total disbelief five years ago. So, what happened that moved us from despair—teetering on divorce—to building the marriage we have today? I watched my husband’s actions, not his words. I…

Should you confront the affair partner? What are the reasons to do this? Should you tell their spouse about the affair? Does the unfaithful spouse owe an apology to the affair partner's (AP's) betrayed spouse? As someone who went into these conversations motivated by vengeance, I am going to share my story and perspective on how you can approach these issues in your own situation. You're not the only one wrestling with these types of questions. Explore Harboring Hope, a course for betrayed spouses where you can journey alongside other betrayed spouses towards healing Sign Up | Harboring Hope For betrayed spouses, the motivations can range from curious to vindictive: You want answers to questions. You want to reclaim power. You want to set the record…

#10 "Why are you asking me about this again? I've already answered that." The frustration. The agitation. The internal scream from wayward spouses: Please, God, will they ever stop asking these damn questions? You're not wrong, you probably have answered that question before. Maybe 19 times to be exact. I remember doing this myself, relentlessly, obsessively, heartbreakingly. I asked my husband the same gut-wrenching questions over and over again for months. And I had my reasons. Sometimes I was testing him. I wanted to see if his answers were consistent or if I could find any discrepancies. These interrogations came from a place of deep fear and shattered trust. Other times, I genuinely couldn't remember what he said. Trauma does strange things to the brain…

I conquered a trigger last week, and I couldn’t wait to get home from my vacation and share it with you! One of the assignments in EMS Online is to list your triggers. When I took EMS Online about 3 1/2 years ago, I remember thinking, “How many can I list? How much time do I get? We could be here all night!” Somewhere near the bottom of my list, but still significant enough for me to note, was a song. It was a song my husband had confessed he and the affair partner really liked and had enjoyed listening to together. Ever since I learned about their connection to this song, I’ve never been able to listen to it. The minute it comes on the radio, I can’t turn it off fast enough. Well, picture this: I was on a beautiful cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean, en-route to Aruba. I had just finished a decadent dinner with my husband and twin daughters,…

Four years ago, I discovered my husband wasn’t who I thought he was. When he left the house, he didn’t secretly fight crime or possess any cool superpowers. Instead, he had lived a double life for over a decade. I heard my parent’s generation speak about where they were when they learned that President Kennedy had been shot. Everyone remembers where they were when the news broke about the first plane crashing into the Twin Towers. When the D-day grenade went off in my life, I was sitting alone in my car in the parking lot of Costco. I could hear everything and nothing all at once. An internal dialogue started to surface within minutes and it wasn’t pretty. I was not only preparing to wage a war against my husband; I waged a war against myself over the rage I felt for not doing everything to prove the infidelity sooner, even though I eventually did. I remember…

Hello, my name is Candace. I was scrolling through Instagram a few days ago, and I saw this quote that said, “I feel like I’m in Season 5 of my life, and the writers are just making ridiculous stuff up to keep it interesting.” It made me think of a few random things that happened during my first season of recovery that were so poorly timed that it was almost funny. In this post, I will share some of those “You HAVE TO BE KIDDING!?” moments with you, and then close with a pro tip that continues to help me put my drama and trauma into perspective. The first one was sooo bad it made me feel like I might be on some Totally Hidden Video or "Punked" type show. Allow me to set the scene: When my husband and I got married in early 1999, digital photography and videography were newly available, but totally out of our budget. We might have been the very last couple to…

Hello. I am Candace. Should you stay, or should you go post D-Day? I'll tell you who tends to have the instant answer to that question- everyone who has never been sucker punched by infidelity firsthand. Whether you are the betrayed or the wayward partner, we know that decision is not as easy as people make it out to be. There are so many things to consider. I want to begin this post by acknowledging that there are a significant number of betrayed spouses out there who are never given a chance to answer that question because that choice was made for them by their partner. If that happened to you, please know you are not alone. For those of us who find ourselves looking for the “sign” to stay or go, this post is for you, regardless of which side of the infidelity you are on. When the infidelity grenade went off in my life, my twin daughters had just turned 17 years…

Hello. My name is Candace. I have something to share with you today that was submitted to Affair Recovery by an EMS Online participant just about one year ago. It’s a piece about the secret life and timely death of her husband’s cell phone. In this post I am going to read what she wrote and then I am going to share some pro tips to help create safety surrounding cell phone use. My husband purchased a new cell phone yesterday. The disdain I felt towards his old phone would be considered totally irrational if it wasn’t so relatable to those who have been betrayed. I could write a tragic novel personifying the life of his former phone. It went on dates disguised as rounds of golf by day and poker games by night. It went on romantic getaways masquerading as legitimate business trips. It charged on night tables of hotel rooms shared with another man’s wife. …

Hello. My name is Candace. Let's spend some time talking today about answering questions. Post D-Day. I know some of you just broke out into a cold sweat. In this post, I will address both the unfaithful and the betrayed when it comes to answering questions. I'll be discussing a few key rules to follow to keep things constructive versus leading to greater destruction. First to the unfaithful. Allow me to set the scene. You've either confessed to your partner or your partner has discovered your infidelity immediately after. Here comes the onslaught of rapid fire questions which appear to have no end in sight. And these questions are starting to create a shame storm. You feel like you're drowning. Unfaithful friends, please try to understand. All of these questions are coming from the betrayed trying to wrap their head around. What the heck happened? You know…

Let’s talk today about recovery work, what it looks like, and why it’s so darn important. I’m going to give it to you straight…I’m going to assume if you’re reading this article or watching this video, that either you, or your partner, pulled a pin, and tossed a grenade into your life. You’re standing in the rubble, assessing the damage, wishing, hoping, praying, this was all just a nightmare. I’ve been there….and I know…. It’s a living hell. The crushing reality is that the trauma that has been caused by infidelity isn’t just a jail sentence that we can just wait out until the crippling pain and anger subside. The passing of time, in itself, isn’t enough to combat the magnitude of what we’re dealing with here. It’s about what we choose to do with the time that is going to make all the difference in our future. Time does not heal all wounds. I’d like to…