Survivors Blog: 

Amy

This particular blog is especially hard for me to write as it is something I am still working through and it feels very raw to me.  However, after reading many of the comments in the Community Forums on the Affair Recovery website I recognize the importance of speaking out.  My main goal of this particular piece is for those of you also struggling with this issue to know you are not alone and there is hope. In my last blog ("Acceptance") I mentioned being treated for PTSD, something I didn’t even know I had until recently.  All I knew was that part of me was shut off.  I was still me but a lesser version of me.  My ability to feel was muffled in a sense.  I felt this even before my husband disclosed his sex addiction to me.  Before disclosure, my intuition was telling me that something was “off” about my husband but as he continued to lie, mainly through omission, I began to trust myself less and less.  I actually began to think I was going a little crazy.  I grew up in a lonely, neglectful home and have been told all of my life that I am too emotional and too dramatic.  I have had multiple traumas affect me, some of them big and some of them small.  Why do I bring all of this up?  I brought this into my marriage not knowing it.  Whenever my husband would tell me the opposite of what my intuition was telling me, I began to shut down.  7 years later, I found myself unable to be sexually intimate with him.  I began to only have sex with him out of my “duty” as a wife.  I began to cringe and tense up when he would touch me or kiss me.  What was wrong with me!?!  I love my husband and we are great friends but I would have been just fine if we could have the marriage without the sex. After disclosure, which was very traumatic for me, I did what I had always done and I stuffed all of the terrible emotions inside of me not knowing how to deal with them.  I felt horrible physical pains in my stomach area, unexplained shaking and trembling, and tightening of the chest on a regular basis.  I began going to my therapist who specializes in the area of addiction and trauma recovery.  He helped me understand that there wasn’t anything wrong with that little girl who wanted to talk about what happened.  That little girl just wanted to connect and when the pain was too much she coped with it in the best way she could. My therapist began doing tapping exercises with me and brain spotting, similar to EMDR.  They are body awareness exercises designed to help me feel the pain and process it in a different, more positive way instead of feeling it and stuffing it in.  Multiple trauma equals multiple triggers.  I can trigger trauma in my body without even thinking of a single thing.  This week I have been really focusing on pressing into the pain instead of scrambling to stuff it or make it go away.  To my relief, I didn’t crumble up and die.  The pain in my stomach felt similar to birthing contractions and was extremely painful but it went away after I did the exercises prescribed by my therapist.  This is the first week since disclosure I have slept through the night without the help of a sleep aide! Just recently, God has given me a friend who struggles with the exact same thing.  To my advantage, she is further along in the process and I can tell you from her experience that we can turn that part of us back on!  It just takes time, practice and a lot of patience both from you and your spouse. If you too are struggling with this I want to tell you there is hope!  I believe it and am seeing results in myself even though they are small right now.  There is a great audio resource on the site called "Rekindling Desire After an Affair".  It has an audio recording of Rick Reynolds interviewing Nancy Houston, LPC, who is an expert in sex therapy.  I want to encourage you to find a therapist in your area who specializes in this.  I also want to encourage you to reach out and find somebody you can talk to who understands.  Find a support group or open up the lines of communication on the AR Community Forums if you are a member to see if anybody else is struggling with this.  You are not crazy, you are not alone and you are not broken.  It takes time and a lot of work but I am willing to work through the pain to get there.  I don’t want to be partially healed, I want to be fully healed and thriving.  I believe with all of my heart that this is God’s plan and his plan is always better than my own.

The ability for me to develop acceptance and compassion for my husband has been huge in my own recovery.  I believe compassion and acceptance go hand in hand.  According to the Oxford dictionary, the definition of compassion is "sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others".  The definition of acceptance is "the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered". What drives a person to do something like this?  They must be sick in the head, right!?! I believe that every human being has the ability to become a murderer, a thief, an adulterer, a slanderer, a narcissist, an addict, etc.  At EMS Weekend, we were reminded that “If we were all perfect, why in the world would we need Jesus?”   I know from my own eating disorder journey that addiction can make you do crazy things any logical person wouldn’t even consider doing.  I distinctly remember sitting in the middle of my dorm room eating straight from a box of dry cake mix.  Yuck!  I was feeding my addiction.  I’ve heard of people binge eating food out of the trash can, stealing food from roommates, and eating toilet paper in order to avoid food.  Gross, right? When my spouse was feeding his addiction he was in a different state of mind.  He even told me that once, when he was in the car, he looked at himself in the mirror while he was acting out and the face he saw in the mirror didn’t even look like him.  The face he saw was twisted, full of desperation, carnality and it scared him.  He felt like a different person, hence the saying, “I was leading a double life.”  Whether I like it or not, the temptation in this area is a part of my spouse, his “thorn in the flesh.”  I can choose to romanticize about being married to somebody who doesn’t have these “issues” or accept him for who he is, warts and all.  I can also choose to have compassion for him when he tells me he has been struggling with wanting to act out.  If he ever were to relapse, which I recognize to be a part of the recovery process, I want him to be able to tell me, not keep it from me.  It doesn’t mean I can’t tell him it hurts me, but I can help him through it by praying for him, keeping him accountable, and making sure he stays connected to his accountability group. I don’t want to minimize any part of what we are going through.  Our spouse’s addictions are such that they personally broke part of the marriage vow and wounded us in the process.  The pain and hurt is unimaginable, I’ve even developed PTSD because of it, and it’s not something I take lightly.  I also recognize it is a different ball game for people whose spouses are unrepentant.  My spouse is repentant and working hard towards his own recovery and for that, I am grateful.  I just know from my own experience, that the more anger and un-forgiveness I hold in my heart, the less progress I make in my own recovery and the recovery of our marriage.  My therapist reminds me, “It’s not about you.  You could be Marilyn Monroe and he would still do it.”  He’s right.  It’s not about me.  It’s about something deeper.  I pray we can all find a way to be compassionate for our spouses and also compassionate for ourselves as we continue our journey toward healing. 

We all deal with trauma differently.  Some people haven’t had to deal with major heartache until finding out about their spouse's infidelity.  Unfortunately, I had a traumatic experience early on in my life that shaped how I deal with trauma.  I can always find somebody who has had a harder life than I have, but to dismiss the traumatic experiences I have had over my lifetime is not helpful to me or my family.  When my husband first disclosed his extramarital activities, I dealt with it in the way I always had, I stuffed it in.  I mentioned in an earlier blog that this backfired on me when we were at EMS weekend and my body physically started twitching and shaking.  I have learned over the past few months that trauma doesn’t just affect our emotions but it also affects our entire bodies, especially our brains.  In the beginning, I dealt with intrusive thoughts daily, several times a day, in fact.  The first week I was not functional at all.  I am so glad I opened up and let other people in to help walk me through this, my trusted friends who had been through this several years ago.  One of my friends asked me if I was struggling with intrusive thoughts and, of course, I told her yes.  She told me something that Rick told her in the beginning that helped her tremendously.  Whenever she had an intrusive thought about her husband engaging in his “activity,” she would start praying for God to let her see something different or give her His perspective on what she was seeing.  I remember the first time I tried this.  I had taken my daughter to a park and while I was sitting down watching her play, I had a very vivid thought of my husband engaging in his “activity.”  Thankfully, I have never caught him in the act so my thought came from something he had told me. I stopped and prayed for God to show me His perspective on it all.  Almost instantaneously, in my thoughts, my husband was changed to a little boy.  It made me think of my own son doing something like that and it made me so sad for him.  What would cause somebody to do something like this?  My husband grew up in a very strict, hyper-religious, and abusive home.  Just like I have dealt with trauma in the manner I have, my husband ended up finding his release in his own way. When I saw him as a little boy doing this, I also felt compassion for him, the way I imagine God feels about us when we are doing something that is destructive and not good for anybody.  I wanted to pick him up and hold him and tell him that he was loved.  Then, I remembered my husband, on the day of disclosure breaking down and crying for the first time in front of me.  He opened up and told me his narcissistic talk was just a façade.  In reality, he didn’t feel like he deserved anybody’s love.  He didn’t believe that anybody could love him, especially because of what He has done.  Now, 9 months later, intrusive thoughts are few and far between.  I may have one a month but, when I do, it is easy for me to turn it off or turn him into a little boy doing it.  It helps to know that my husband is working hard to stay “sober” but either way, I won’t allow that activity to affect my emotions any longer.  In order for me to be the healthiest person I need to be I know that dwelling on those thoughts doesn’t really hurt anybody but myself.

From the beginning of recovery, my husband and I made the decision to have no more secrets between us.  It wasn’t just my husband who needed to disclose things either.  I had my own “inner struggle” I needed to share with him.  For several years, we felt disconnected from each other and as I became more involved in church, I also felt more appreciated by other men.  There was one in particular who made me feel extra “special.”  At the time, it was obvious he and his wife were having their own struggles and I noticed her pulling away from our friendship.  Luckily, nothing happened.    However, I see if I had chosen to take the first steps toward an affair, it would have been hard to stop.  I am still thankful for God’s grace and the fact that nothing ever transpired.    This was a huge wake-up call for me and caused me to put “safeguards” in place to prevent that from happening again.    Part of the “no secrets” pact is that I can and should ask my husband how he is doing with his recovery.  The only caveat is that I need to be able to listen with an understanding heart.  In the beginning it stung to hear that he was still struggling with “sight.”  Most guys struggle with sight but they don’t go where my husband goes.  It has been 8 months and my husband hasn’t “acted out” but he has been on the verge a few times. While I appreciate him being vulnerable and honest, I also know it is necessary for me to be vulnerable, as well.  I had to share with him that I was struggling with feeling like he was a “safe” person for me.  In order for me to feel “safe” I need to know he has an accountability partner, somebody he can call or text when he has the strong urge to “act out.”  If I don’t feel safe, it makes it very hard for me to be vulnerable in the intimacy portion of our marriage.  I believe we will get there in time. Although the celibacy in our marriage up to this point has been a little weird, it has also been quite healing.  It almost feels like we are starting over with new viewpoints and a redeemed mindset and appreciation for each other and our sex lives.   The fact that we are making our marriage a safe environment to communicate everything makes this more believable to me than ever.  No more secrets!  

Recently, I started a Bible study that is geared toward helping women who struggle with food, weight, body image issues, etc.  We are beginning our twelve weeks together with a 40 Day Surrender.  Much like Lent, we are being encouraged to find a habit or something we know is keeping us from going to God and being the best we can be. I immediately knew what I was going to give up, and that would be television.  However, it isn’t just me giving up television but the entire family, including my husband and kids.  At first my husband wasn’t happy about it because I didn’t ask him first, I just made an executive decision.  Granted, I know why I did it.  I have asked him multiple times if we could do this and, in the past, he just rolled his eyes because television is how we relax after we put the kids in bed.  Out of respect for him, I should have asked him before I announced it to the children, but he has been forgiving and recognizes that we really do need to do this. Day 1 was extremely difficult.  I should have started counting the amount of times I heard “Mommy, can I watch a show?  Mommy can I play on your phone?”  It was bad.  There were a lot of tears and temper tantrums but we also had a great time together.  We went to the gym where the kids spent time in the kids club and I did a workout and spent time in the sauna.  Then, we went out for lunch and, because it was so beautiful outside, we rode bikes around the neighborhood and played games together.  Not watching television during the day is not a big deal for me because I don’t watch it then to begin with.  However, after we put the kids to bed I was really, really sad that we couldn’t watch a show.  Instead, my husband and I were forced to actually talk to each other which, of course, was really good.  We were really tired and went to bed shortly after but before we went to sleep, we prayed together for the first time in a long time. Day 2 was still difficult.  By lunch, I was extremely tired.  Again, I was sad that my husband and I couldn’t watch television at the end of the day.  Instead, we read “You and Me Forever” by Francis and Lisa Chan and prayed.  The kids and I also did so much together.  I definitely understand why God prompted me to shut down the electronics.  Not only are we spending a lot of quality time together as a family but I am seeing patterns in my own life that need to change. For instance, I have noticed that the lowest times of my day are from 2:00 pm-5:00 pm.  By the time 2:00 pm rolls around, I am exhausted to the point of needing a nap.  Instead of putting my kids in front of the television, I am taking them to the gym so they can spend time in the kids club, and I am spending time in the locker room journaling and walking on the treadmill.  So, although it sounds like a small thing, I clearly knew God was calling my family and me to surrender our use of television and electronics.  It is uncomfortable and I miss those things but I recognize if we want to see different results in our lives, we need to try something different.  Watching television together all of the time wasn’t growing the intimacy in my marriage; it has kept us stagnant. For a while, my husband and I have been praying for God to show us a ministry we can do together.  He has a heart for the homeless and, while I recognize the need, my heart has been on other ministries.  However, today God gave me the opportunity to help a homeless person and the way things progressed, it was clear God put me there to show His blessing on her.  In the end, I felt so honored and blessed to have been used by the Spirit.  I believe God is working on both my heart and my husband’s heart to grow us closer to Him and to each other.  It is nice to see us moving closer toward our ultimate goal of a healthy, happy marriage.  Who knows what He has planned next?  It is definitely an adventure!

Every time I walk into my counselor’s office he asks me, “What is God telling you?”  Last week I knew God was telling me that I needed to prioritize my own healing and the healing of my marriage.  This week, I feel God telling me, “Be brave.  You deserve to enjoy every aspect of the life I have given you.  You have to fight for it.  There are forces unseen working against you.”  Currently, I am reading "A True Name” by Leslie Kim Wiese.  In our last session, my counselor asked me, “What is your new name in light of all the trauma you’ve endured?”  I prayed about it and the name that consistently came up in my mind was “Warrior.”  Life is a battle and every day I have the opportunity to fight or submit.  The stronger I become in Christ, the stronger I am to fight those daily battles. This morning as I was doing my homework, I finally understood why my true name is “Warrior.”    Every single part of my body doesn’t want to do the activities I need to do in order to heal.  Literally, when I start even thinking about doing what I need to do, my body tenses up and screams, “No.”  I avoid feeling uncomfortable by procrastinating when it comes to my AR homework.  I often choose to watch an extra television show in the evening instead of doing my marriage homework with my husband.  The old me would have beaten myself up emotionally saying, “Look, you screwed up again.  What is wrong with you?”  The new me, instead, says, “Okay, lesson learned.  Every day you choose to do your homework is another step toward recovery.” A year ago, I started working with a health coach through an online program.  One of her mantras is “If you want to grow in life, you have to become comfortable with being uncomfortable.”  Feeling “butterflies” in my stomach means I am stepping out of my comfort zone and growing as a person.  I am an introvert by nature, so most of the time what gives me “butterflies” is simply going to a class or Bible study where I don’t know anybody.  Now, it is time to continue this practice in my marriage and other aspects of my life. As a Christian, I don’t believe we are meant to live the comfortable life.  We are meant for something so much more, but that requires the willingness to take risks.  Sometimes, the things God has for me are easy like being a part of the worship team at church.  Other things, like leading a Bible study are difficult.  Even more difficult is when I know God is prompting me to say or do something for a person no matter how weird or out of the blue it may seem. So, the question is, what do I personally need to do in order to experience “butterflies” and growth in my marriage?  Right now, I know I need to drop the evening television with my husband and instead spend time doing our homework together.  I also feel God telling me to pray and read the Bible with my husband more.  We know we need to do it, but it feels awkward right now.  I just have to believe that the awkwardness is an attempt of our enemy to keep us from doing it.  He knows if we become a praying couple, we will become a strong couple.  I do believe that things will fall into place according to God’s will.  I also believe that prioritizing our relationship with God both individually and as a couple is the number one thing we need to do if we want the marriage we desire and the marriage God intended for us.

Last year, instead of making a New Year’s resolution, I asked God what he wanted to accomplish in me over the year. I clearly felt like he was telling me my “theme” for the year would be “Let It Go.” I spent most of the first half of the year learning about limiting beliefs I had that were sabotaging my efforts toward being healthy both mentally and physically. I also learned that I spent most of my days trying to escape from my life. Instead of living in the moment, I lived hoping for a better future. Instead of taking care of myself, I focused on all of the things I wanted to change about myself and my life. The year was not a waste, however, because I learned how to change my negative thought patterns to positive ones. I learned how to be more understanding with myself and my shortcomings, how to take risks and challenge myself, how to embrace where I am in my life right now and how to enjoy it. Most importantly, I learned the importance of giving God my day. So, in June when D day happened, I had tools already set in place to help me cope with the array of feelings I experienced. It turns out my husband “outing” himself was not only the best thing for him and our family, but it was also one of the best things for me. His disclosure forced me to go even deeper into my own recovery. It also gave me the opportunity to work with my therapist right now who is not only helping me learn to love my body but also walking me through my difficulties with intimacy. I learned that I am a “stuffer.” I am non-confrontational and in order to avoid conflict I often won’t voice my feelings because I don’t want to be a bother. I will never forget going to EMS weekend and experiencing weird physical symptoms because of my stuffing. My body was so overwhelmed with the trauma and, because I wasn’t allowing myself to express it, my face started involuntarily twitching and my hands were shaking uncontrollably. Many of the other women were crying and my husband took notice of how they were all reacting. I remember my husband turning to me during one of the breaks and saying, “So, I am seeing all of these women and the terrible amount of pain they are in. On a scale from 1 to 10 how are you feeling?” That was the first time in our marriage he had ever asked me that. I told him I was at a 9 which shocked him. I realized then that I had done all of my crying on my own. My husband was asleep when I was awake at 3 a.m. crying and desperately seeking a word from God in the Bible. He was at work when I was locked away in my room crying while our kids watched television. I was in so much pain and shock I really felt like I couldn’t function, but I hid it from him. Now, instead of keeping things to myself, I let my husband know what is bothering me. He is also non-confrontational so when I feel him holding back something I urge him to tell me. Every time we have had these conversations, the “tension” that was there goes away. It is still something we are working on but it is getting better as time goes by. This year, the theme God has given me is “Time to Heal.” It sounds so cliché right now but I have all of this information about what I need to do and now it is time for me to put it into practice. The first course of action for me is to put into practice all of the self-care things I have learned over the past year. I know actions that are “life giving” to me and I also know actions that are “life sucking” for me. Some of the “life giving” actions that I want to incorporate in my life on a daily basis are: Waking up early enough to have a cup of coffee and talk with my husband. Read my Bible and Journal. Do some sort of movement. Dress in a way that makes me feel good about myself. Tidy up the house. Spend time with my kids. Take a hot bath. Read for fun. Some of the “life sucking” actions I want to take out of my life are: Checking my Facebook feed continuously and surfing the internet. Watching television before bed. Putting too many things on my “to do” list. Constantly criticizing my appearance. Being too hard on myself when I don’t live up to my expectations. Forcing myself to exercise when I need a nap instead. Instead of fighting myself, I am choosing to love myself where I am. I am choosing to do what kind of movement feels good for my body and choose foods that are nourishing for my body. I am choosing to say “no” to people when I am already spread too thin and to prioritize my own healing so I can be the wife, mother, friend, daughter, and leader I want to be.

Even before disclosure, I was really good at catastrophic thinking. I would hear a story and go to unimaginable places such as the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary. I cried for weeks because I imagined what it would be like if my own children were murdered mercilessly at school. It was almost too much to bear. After disclosure, I often would think about the worst case scenarios such as, “What if my husband would have gotten caught? What if he was the next big news story?” I imagined how it would ruin our kids’ lives at school and how I would probably have to move to another state just to start over with a clean slate. Would I stay with him? Would I leave? Then, I would come back to reality and remember that God has only given me the strength to deal with the present. Futuristic thinking does nothing but create anxiety that I may or may not even need to deal with in the future. At this point in my recovery, it feels impossible for me and my husband to have the “amazing” connection that other couples who have recovered seem to have. I have closed myself off so much that I literally have to learn how to open up again to allow myself to be vulnerable and “known.” Don’t get me wrong, we have a great friendship but the romantic part of our relationship has waned due to the disconnection his addiction has caused. I also have my own “issues” I have to deal with. For 15 years I struggled with eating disorders and only over the past 2 years can I say I have been recovered. However, I still have body image issues and hearing that my husband really didn’t have his eyes and mind only on me has been hard. This whole process has caused me to revisit many of the traumatic events of my past, but I know without a doubt that God is holding my hand through all of this.  I need to do what is good for me and that means I need to let go of the “control” I have tried so hard to have. I put a lot of pressure on myself to “get better,” but over time, I have come to realize that I need to give myself grace and to not rush the process. I also have to remind myself that I am not broken. It has helped me so much to hear from other friends that all of this is completely normal. For instance, my husband and I are not regularly having sex. I have some issues I have to deal with before that can happen. I have done it out of “duty” for so long that all of the enjoyment for me is gone. Knowing that my husband has his own issues, my first instinct is to fear that he will go back to his old habits because his “sexual needs” are not being met. I decided to sit down with him a few weeks ago to talk with him about it. I shared my frustration with how long it is taking me to heal. I apologized for not healing sooner and my husband assured me that he is doing okay. In fact, he feels this time of celibacy has only caused him to grow closer to God. We are both learning how to reframe our beliefs about sex. Instead of believing the distorted view of sex our culture sells, we are learning how God intended it to be. I am grateful that my husband is being very supportive of me, but even if he wasn’t it doesn’t matter. I cannot control what my husband thinks or does. All I can do is trust that the Holy Spirit that is working in me is also working in him. I have faith that He is doing a good work in both of our lives and will continue until it is completed.

A few days ago, I received a phone call from our son’s school telling me he was having an allergic reaction.  Our five year old son has a life-threatening peanut allergy so, as you can imagine, I was highly concerned.  When my husband and I got to the school, my son’s eyes and nose were swollen and his breathing was labored so we administered the Epipen and waited for the EMT to arrive.  I had to pick up our daughter from preschool, so I jumped in my car and as I drove I prayed fervently for healing for my son.  Once I got to the school, I opened up my phone and texted about 10 of my closest friends and asked them to pray for my son and the situation.  By the time I got back to his school, his vital signs were normal and my son was amazingly calm.  I was the one fighting back tears! This entire event reminded me of how important our support system was for both of us after my husband’s disclosure.  I remember how desperate and alone I felt, like I was an alien in my own life.  Everything looked the same and people went about their lives like nothing had changed, but my life as I knew it had been turned completely upside down. During that time, I prayed for God to reveal “safe” people for me to share with.(See: Disclosing the Affair: Who to Tell? In the beginning, I only told 4 people.  Two of the women had gone through this with their husbands and the other two were my prayer partners.  Ironically, only one of them was my close friend at the time.  It sounds crazy but I knew that most of my close friends would not get it, and the last thing I needed in my life was more judgment and less understanding.  Before I told my first friend about my husband’s addiction, I was scared of what she would think.  Yes, her husband had struggled with porn but my husband’s addiction has a stigma that often follows it.  I was afraid if she knew everything she wouldn’t be able to look at him in the same way, but she and my other friends have proven me wrong.  The fact that these friends know everything about my husband and treat him with respect and dignity, to me, shows they truly grasp the grace and mercy of God. Out of respect for my husband, I have not shared anything with anybody without first telling him about it.  Despite the pain and hurt his addiction has caused, he is still a person with real feelings and we both have faith we can get through this together.  Over time, we have started sharing with more people that he struggles with an addiction but only share a broad view of it.  He and I both have the support system we need in place and they are the ones who know the details.  We only share more if we feel God leading us to. When we attended the EMS weekend, we quickly realized how lucky we were to have our support system.  Many of the couples we talked to did not have anybody to talk to and felt they had to go through this alone.  However, I also met a few women who had been through Harboring Hope and they could not recommend it enough.     Harboring Hope and Hope for Healing are great resources to look into if you are looking for a support system and steps toward healing.  My husband is finishing up Hope for Healing and it has helped him see areas in his life that need to change in order for us both to heal and our marriage to work.   Six months later, I still meet every other week with two of my friends to just talk about life.  It is a safe place where we can all be authentic and vulnerable with each other and leave feeling encouraged.  Our time together is no longer all about the trauma I am dealing with.  As time goes on and more healing occurs in my own life, I find myself being able to help carry them through their own difficult situations.  We are there to confess to each other, to pray for each other and to carry each other’s burdens as Christ would.  There really is hope.

Five months ago, my husband sat me down and told me about a sexual addiction he has had for over 20 years.   Before you close this blog saying “Oh, he didn’t have an affair, what does she know?”  Let me just tell you, not all sexual addictions happen behind closed doors in front of a computer screen.  My husband and I have been married for 7 years and since the first year I had a feeling that there was “someone” or “something” that he had on the side.  I could sense that he was not “all in.”  However, when I would ask him “Do you have a problem with porn” or “I feel like you are going out of town just to be with somebody else” he could “truthfully” tell me that it was neither of those things because it wasn’t…it was something that wasn’t even on my radar. Over the years he had shared little bits and pieces, things he thought I would be able to accept but never everything.  He started attending a men’s purity group at our church and the men in the group encouraged him to disclose everything to me.  Due to the nature of his addiction, they suggested he not tell me until we were in front of a counselor.  So, one Saturday morning he told me “I have something I need to share with you about myself but the guys in my purity group don’t think I should tell you until we have a counselor to help us through it.”  Thankfully, I had a hair appointment that day and had time to think.  God reminded me of two of my dear friends at church who had been through this with their husbands.  So, the next day, I called one of them to set up a coffee date for that afternoon.  That morning at church, the entire sermon was on sexual addiction and affairs and coming clean with God and your spouse.  When we got home, my husband sat down and shared everything with me.  I fully believe that because my husband was faithful with telling me when God told him to, there was a grace to not completely flip out and lose my mind.  My reaction was tempered by God’s grace.    On the outside, I had no facial expressions but on the inside I was FREAKING OUT!  My husband was telling me some crazy stuff!  My husband started weeping in front of me telling me how unworthy and shameful he felt and how he didn’t believe he deserved to be loved.  It was in that moment I felt led to sit in his lap, hug him, and tell him “I’m so sorry for your pain.”  I felt love for him that came from God’s help and grace, as in my flesh I was numb.  After that, I had my coffee date with my friend and unloaded everything on her that my husband had disclosed.  I remember being shocked that she was not taken aback or surprised with what I was telling her.  She shared with me about her experience with her own husband and how Rick Reynolds had helped him recover from his addiction to porn 14 years ago.  I found Affair Recovery and my husband and I watched Rick’s Story and realized that he really understood.  He “got it.”  I immersed myself in the website and found the First Steps Bootcamp  I cannot recommend the First Steps Bootcamp enough.  It is completely free, only 7 days and I fully believe our recovery started off on a strong foot because of it.  One of the things Rick reiterates over and over again on Affair Recovery and in the First Steps Bootcamp is how important full disclosure in the beginning is.  So, that night I sat there listening to my husband share everything he could possibly think of that he had done.  It was one of the most excruciating things I have experienced in our marriage but I believe that because he fully disclosed everything in the beginning, it has given us the ability to move forward and gain ground almost immediately.      I don’t share this part of our story to say, “Look at us, we did it all right.”  I just want you to know that the steps on Affair Recovery really do work even though they are extremely difficult at times.  Also,   God’s timing and guidance are always better than our own.