, 3 years 3 months ago

One year ago my husband disclosed his sex addiction to me and our lives changed.  In the beginning, I would have told you our lives changed in a bad way but now I see it differently.  In reality, my husband coming clean about his own addiction has catapulted me into the healing I so desperately had been hoping and praying for.

Before “D-day,” we were living like “roommates.” 

We have only been married for 8 years but a lot has happened in that period of time.  I slowly shut down, knowing there was “something” else going on but not knowing what that “something” was...

, 3 years 3 months ago

I did it. Over the past few weeks I have taken the time to go into my prayer closet and grieve.  I haven’t done it every day but I have done it at least 8 times over the course of two weeks and each time I leave feeling like a burden has been lifted.  I have learned over time that it is true when people say grief is a process.  It looks different for everybody.  I am also beginning to realize that I have not fully grieved the loss of my mother and other emotional hurts from my past.

However, God has been with me during this entire process.  One day on the way to see my...

, 3 years 4 months ago

Toward the end of EMS Weekend, we had one group session when they separated us into groups of only women and only men.  Leslie was leading our women’s only group and she gave a lot of good advice that I took to heart.  One of the things I distinctly remember her saying was,

"Life is going to get in the way.  If you need to cancel lunch dates last minute because you are having a bad day, do it.”

You need to prioritize your healing right now. ...

, 3 years 4 months ago

Every program I have been through requires making goals to achieve desired results.  When I was going through recovery from an eating disorder, we had to write out a vision statement.  The purpose of this statement was to keep me inspired and on track.  It’s also written in present tense as if I am already there.  In the statement I include all of the feelings that I want to experience such as love, joy, peace, accomplishment, rest, and connection.

This is my vision statement concerning my recovery as a betrayed spouse: 

“I wake up in the morning, excited to start a new day...

, 3 years 5 months ago

This particular blog is especially hard for me to write as it is something I am still working through and it feels very raw to me.  However, after reading many of the comments in the Community Forums on the Affair Recovery website I recognize the importance of speaking out.  My main goal of this particular piece is for those of you also struggling with this issue to know you are not alone and there is hope.

In my last blog ("Acceptance") I mentioned...

, 3 years 5 months ago

The ability for me to develop acceptance and compassion for my husband has been huge in my own recovery.  I believe compassion and acceptance go hand in hand.  According to the Oxford dictionary, the definition of compassion is "sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others".  The definition of acceptance is "the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered".

What drives a person to do something like this?  They must be sick in the head, right!?! I believe...

, 3 years 6 months ago

We all deal with trauma differently.  Some people haven’t had to deal with major heartache until finding out about their spouse's infidelity.  Unfortunately, I had a traumatic experience early on in my life that shaped how I deal with trauma.  I can always find somebody who has had a harder life than I have, but to dismiss the traumatic experiences I have had over my lifetime is not helpful to me or my family. 

When my husband first disclosed his extramarital activities, I dealt with it in the way I always had, I stuffed it in.  I mentioned in an earlier blog that...

, 3 years 6 months ago

From the beginning of recovery, my husband and I made the decision to have no more secrets between us.  It wasn’t just my husband who needed to disclose things either.  I had my own “inner struggle” I needed to share with him.  For several years, we felt disconnected from each other and as I became more involved in church, I also felt more appreciated by other men.  There was one in particular who made me feel extra “special.”  At the time, it was obvious he and his wife were having their own struggles and I noticed her pulling away from our friendship.  Luckily, nothing happened. ...

, 3 years 7 months ago

Recently, I started a Bible study that is geared toward helping women who struggle with food, weight, body image issues, etc.  We are beginning our twelve weeks together with a 40 Day Surrender.  Much like Lent, we are being encouraged to find a habit or something we know is keeping us from going to God and being the best we can be.

I immediately knew what I was going to give up, and that would be television.  However, it isn’t just me giving up television but the entire family, including my husband and kids.  At first my husband wasn’t happy about it because I didn’t ask him first, I just made an executive decision....

, 3 years 7 months ago

uncomfortable flower dyingEvery time I walk into my counselor’s office he asks me, “What is God telling you?”  Last week I knew God was telling me that I needed to prioritize my own healing and the healing of my marriage.  This week, I feel God telling me, “Be brave.  You deserve to enjoy every aspect of the life I have given you.  You have to fight for it.  There are forces unseen working against you.” 

Currently, I am reading "A True Name” by Leslie Kim Wiese.  In our last session, my counselor asked me, “What is your new...

, 3 years 8 months ago

Last year, instead of making a New Year’s resolution, I asked God what he wanted to accomplish in me over the year. I clearly felt like he was telling me my “theme” for the year would be “Let It Go.” I spent most of the first half of the year learning about limiting beliefs I had that were sabotaging my efforts toward being healthy both mentally and physically. I also learned that I spent most of my days trying to escape from my life. Instead of living in the moment, I lived hoping for a better future. Instead of taking care of myself, I focused on all of the things I wanted to change about myself and my life.

The year...

, 3 years 8 months ago

Even before disclosure, I was really good at catastrophic thinking. I would hear a story and go to unimaginable places such as the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary. I cried for weeks because I imagined what it would be like if my own children were murdered mercilessly at school. It was almost too much to bear.

After disclosure, I often would think about the worst case scenarios such as, “What if my husband would have gotten caught? What if he was the next big news story?” I imagined how it would ruin our kids’ lives at school and how I would probably have to move to another state just to start over with a clean slate. Would I stay with him? Would I leave? Then, I would come back to reality and remember that God has only given me the strength to deal with the present. Futuristic...

, 3 years 9 months ago

A few days ago, I received a phone call from our son’s school telling me he was having an allergic reaction.  Our five year old son has a life-threatening peanut allergy so, as you can imagine, I was highly concerned.  When my husband and I got to the school, my son’s eyes and nose were swollen and his breathing was labored so we administered the Epipen and waited for the EMT to arrive. 

I had to pick up our daughter from preschool, so I jumped in my car and as I drove I prayed fervently for healing for my son.  Once I got to the school, I opened up my phone and texted about 10 of my closest friends and asked them to pray for my son and the situation.  By the time I got back to his school, his vital signs were normal and my son was amazingly calm....

, 3 years 9 months ago

Five months ago, my husband sat me down and told me about a sexual addiction he has had for over 20 years.   Before you close this blog saying “Oh, he didn’t have an affair, what does she know?”  Let me just tell you, not all sexual addictions happen behind closed doors in front of a computer screen. 

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and since the first year I had a feeling that there was “someone” or “something” that he had on the side.  I could sense that he was not “all in.”  However, when I would ask him “Do you have a problem with porn” or “I feel like you are going out of town just to be with somebody else” he could “truthfully” tell me that it was neither of those things because it wasn’t…it was something that wasn’t even on my...