My Spouse Just Confessed to Infidelity. Now What!?! Part II

A few days ago, I received a phone call from our son’s school telling me he was having an allergic reaction.  Our five year old son has a life-threatening peanut allergy so, as you can imagine, I was highly concerned.  When my husband and I got to the school, my son’s eyes and nose were swollen and his breathing was labored so we administered the Epipen and waited for the EMT to arrive. 

I had to pick up our daughter from preschool, so I jumped in my car and as I drove I prayed fervently for healing for my son.  Once I got to the school, I opened up my phone and texted about 10 of my closest friends and asked them to pray for my son and the situation.  By the time I got back to his school, his vital signs were normal and my son was amazingly calm.  I was the one fighting back tears!

This entire event reminded me of how important our support system was for both of us after my husband’s disclosure.  I remember how desperate and alone I felt, like I was an alien in my own life.  Everything looked the same and people went about their lives like nothing had changed, but my life as I knew it had been turned completely upside down.

During that time, I prayed for God to reveal “safe” people for me to share with.(See: Disclosing the Affair: Who to Tell? In the beginning, I only told 4 people.  Two of the women had gone through this with their husbands and the other two were my prayer partners.  Ironically, only one of them was my close friend at the time.  It sounds crazy but I knew that most of my close friends would not get it, and the last thing I needed in my life was more judgment and less understanding. 

Before I told my first friend about my husband’s addiction, I was scared of what she would think.  Yes, her husband had struggled with porn but my husband’s addiction has a stigma that often follows it.  I was afraid if she knew everything she wouldn’t be able to look at him in the same way, but she and my other friends have proven me wrong.  The fact that these friends know everything about my husband and treat him with respect and dignity, to me, shows they truly grasp the grace and mercy of God.

Out of respect for my husband, I have not shared anything with anybody without first telling him about it.  Despite the pain and hurt his addiction has caused, he is still a person with real feelings and we both have faith we can get through this together.  Over time, we have started sharing with more people that he struggles with an addiction but only share a broad view of it.  He and I both have the support system we need in place and they are the ones who know the details.  We only share more if we feel God leading us to.

When we attended the EMS weekend, we quickly realized how lucky we were to have our support system.  Many of the couples we talked to did not have anybody to talk to and felt they had to go through this alone.  However, I also met a few women who had been through Harboring Hope and they could not recommend it enough.    

Harboring Hope and Hope for Healing are great resources to look into if you are looking for a support system and steps toward healing.  My husband is finishing up Hope for Healing and it has helped him see areas in his life that need to change in order for us both to heal and our marriage to work.  

Six months later, I still meet every other week with two of my friends to just talk about life.  It is a safe place where we can all be authentic and vulnerable with each other and leave feeling encouraged.  Our time together is no longer all about the trauma I am dealing with.  As time goes on and more healing occurs in my own life, I find myself being able to help carry them through their own difficult situations.  We are there to confess to each other, to pray for each other and to carry each other’s burdens as Christ would.  There really is hope.

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