, 8 months 1 week ago
It's important that you find a confidant after discovery. Do not think you can go through this agony alone.

Who is your confidant? Who do you reach out to when you need to talk? Not just for friendly chit-chats about the latest movie or daily frustrations over child care. But who do you pour out your heart to when you're sad, lonely, scared or angry? More importantly, who listens to your deepest fears, heartache and pain over the betrayal you're living with?

Have you found a confidant that you trust, that special someone who is there when you need to cry, mourn, yell or just sit and be held?

Susan was that...

, 11 months 1 week ago

Faith and Willpower Are Not EnoughMy husband and I have maneuvered the quagmire of recovery for well over three years now.  We’ve had some deep lows and amazing highs but overall a slow and steady healing and maturing of our marriage and relationship. During this time I’ve often wondered how two people could have been in the same stale, boring marriage yet made such wildly different decisions. I know others have pondered the same question. There are...

, 1 year 5 months ago

Last May was our three-year anniversary post D-day and as I anticipated, it hardly caused a ripple in my emotions. I knew the day was nearing but we were in a good place and we breezed through it without drama, triggers, or setbacks to our recovery. I believed we were finally through the worst that my husband's betrayal could throw at us. We had made it through the fire and while scarred were at last in a better, stronger, safer place.

Then from out of nowhere and without warning, ambivalence hit me like a punch to the gut. It came as a shock this far into recovery. Ambivalence is normal and part of the...

, 1 year 9 months ago

As I wrote in my previous blog article, “Is He Worth It?” my husband is capable of both enormous deception and immense change. So the other day when he contributed to a trigger I could have sat and fumed about why I put up with his actions. But instead I did something that I’ve been doing for three years post D-day. I acted intentionally. After asking myself for the hundredth time why I put up with him I then answered myself for the hundredth time with my personal recovery mantra:

My husband is worth another chance.

My...

, 1 year 10 months ago

Eleven days after D-day and moving in with his Affair Partner my husband returned home so we could see if our marriage was worth saving. For a couple of hours that evening we sat together reading old letters and looking at old pictures. The tough conversations would come later but that night while reminiscing about our past we connected in a way we hadn’t in years.

My husband and I met our sophomore year of high school when I was 15 and he was 16. He was the first boy I ever dated. We went our separate ways and dated other people but after graduation, we reconnected freshman year of college and were engaged. Sure I...

, 1 year 11 months ago

John Gray wrote Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus in 1992 and subtitled it “A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationship.” The book highlights the differences between the way men and women respond to stress and stressful situations. With more than 50 million copies sold Gray obviously hit on something at the heart of relationship problems:

Men and women think, react and respond differently.

The truth of that fact was front and center for me on D-day and in the months...

, 2 years 1 week ago

My daughter and I have been watching a series we found on Netflix named Dexter.  Dexter is a blood spatter analyst by day and a serial killer by night. His adopted father was a cop and recognized Dexter’s “dark passenger” at an early age. He taught Dexter how not to get caught and to only kill those who deserve to die. So Dexter is a vigilante who only targets other killers, especially serial killers.

The show puts the viewer into the mind of Dexter by letting us hear his thoughts. The conflict between his “good” and “bad” personalities becomes even more contrasted once Dexter marries a woman...

, 2 years 2 months ago

The day my husband’s AP showed up at our house and told me that I needed to know “what kind of man I had married” one of my first thoughts was that our marriage was over. How can a marriage survive this type of destruction? I had always said that if my husband cheated I would leave. Some things are simply unforgivable.

After screaming, crying hysterically, and begging for answers my husband moved out of our home and into hers. That was on a Saturday. On Monday I contacted a lawyer about divorce and filled out paperwork to get temporary custody of our 15 year old daughter. A judge granted my request on...

, 2 years 3 months ago

Only a few short days after discovery, I started searching the internet for answers. I wasn’t even sure what I was looking for, I just randomly entered search phrases such as “my husband had an affair” and “how can I survive my husband’s affair”. It still boggles my mind that there are literally millions of internet sites to choose from on the topic!  It’s staggering, shocking even and so incredibly sad to realize that adultery is so prevalent. I was haunted by the weight of the numbers. With so many sites to choose from how would I ever get the answers that I was looking for?...

, 2 years 6 months ago

Several times I’ve mentioned in my blog articles that I’m amazed at the positive changes my husband has made since D-day, changes I never thought possible. I’ve made changes as well. Both of our changes have benefited our relationship in constructive ways. But recently he did something that was a huge trigger for me and had me questioning if it was truly possible for him to change so that I could feel completely safe in our marriage.

When my husband was actively sneaking around in his affair he told me that he had made changes to second shift at work and he had to go back and ensure things were running smoothly. Because of the...

, 2 years 6 months ago

Lately I’ve been pondering something my husband said to me on D-day when I begged him for the reason why. Why? Why did you betray me? His answer at the time was that he missed intimacy. How well I remember my reaction! Intimacy? You miss intimacy so you have sex with an erotic massage therapist and then an affair with someone from Craig’s List? That’s intimacy?

Intimacy has many definitions. Before D-day for me it meant being comfortable, warm and familiar with my husband. I regularly shave the back of his neck. I know his favorite foods, his favorite...

, 2 years 7 months ago

In my last blog post I wrote about how betrayal has roots that run deep in my family. My parents and their four children have all experienced being either the betrayed or the unfaithful in our marriages. Some have experienced both.

I mentioned that my brother’s wife has betrayed him multiple times. He had a revenge affair after one of these episodes. My brother places part of the blame for his wife’s infidelity on her chaotic and dysfunctional upbringing. But what’s so incredibly sad about my brother is that he also blames...

, 2 years 8 months ago

For a variety of reasons after D-day I became disconnected with my family. In a way it surprises me. After all, I come from a family of betrayers and betrayed. I have three siblings. Two have been both unfaithful and betrayed and one has been betrayed. I have been betrayed. Four for four. Our parents were both unfaithful and betrayed in multiple marriages. That’s six for six.

My husband, unfaithful, has one brother, unfaithful, and one sister, betrayed. That’s nine for nine. I believe his parents were both faithful (his father died before the age of 40 but his mom appears to have had a solid second marriage. But...

, 2 years 8 months ago

For years leading up to D-day my husband and I were leading separate lives under the same roof. We weren’t angry with each other. We weren’t making threats to divorce or having screaming arguments. We had family supper together every night. We went on family vacations. We talked about politics, family, the latest national news, friends, and a host of other topics. But we never talked about our relationship. We were disconnected emotionally. We lived a life of pretend normal that was externally the model marriage but internally suffocating. Intimacy was gone, not just in the bedroom, in every aspect of our relationship. Looking...

, 2 years 9 months ago

Marriage vows. Promises you make at your wedding ceremony as you commit your life to your mate. You can write your own, heartfelt vows or go the traditional route. On a day full of optimism and hope the marriage vows cement two lives into one. My wedding day was years in the making. I was finally marrying the man I had fallen in love with in high school. We had already been through what I considered at that time the worse that life could throw at us. It had taken us eleven years to reach the marriage altar and promise our lives to each other. We were on the home stretch! Yes, my vows had meaning for me,...

, 2 years 10 months ago

When my husband’s affairs were discovered just over two years ago I had all the predictable emotions; anger, confusion, agony, and so much more. Eleven days later when we decided to work on our marriage I still had those emotions but now I had fear:

  • What if I let him come back home and he cheated again?
  • What if I couldn’t “get over it”?
  • What if I was wasting my time and energy on a failed attempt at reconciliation?

On the one hand, I felt as if it was necessary for me to try and save our marriage for many reasons:

  • We had almost 25 years together....
, 2 years 10 months ago

Two years since d-day. I can’t believe it! When my husband’s affairs were discovered I didn’t think I would survive that first day. The minutes were agonizing. Time slowed to a crawl. I was reduced to pure, raw emotion. There was no existence without pain. I wished I would die. I knew I would die. My heart was shattered and it would kill me.

Over the next few days I was in a fog. I took one day off work but that was all I could afford. When I wasn’t crying I would sit and stare. I worked by rote. Zombie. Barely functioning. My emotions were all over the place. I was furious, full of hatred...

, 2 years 11 months ago

Life is funny. I’m not talking about laughing till you cry funny, although there are plenty of times I’ve laughed till my cheeks ached and my belly hurt.  I’m talking about ironic, where the heck did that come from, turn your life upside down kind of funny. I’m talking about crazy, way out in left field, life changing kind of funny.           

I’m talking about a funny that never causes you to laugh.

Long before I married my husband, if the subject ever came up I would boldly and firmly declare to whoever was...

, 3 years 5 hours ago

Is there such a thing as collective guilt and shame? Some would have you believe that there is. For instance, if children are in poverty all of society is to blame. The media would have you accept as true that if one cop is a rotten apple the entire police force is tainted. My daughter has teachers that punish the entire class for one student’s behavior. Everyone shares in their guilt. Rick refers to this as Group Shame or Social Shame where we are dishonored and ascribed the shame from someone else's actions.  He discusses this in detail in ...

, 3 years 2 weeks ago

My husband was able to carry out both of his affairs without getting caught for a variety of reasons. First, he’s an accomplished liar. Second, even he says that  I was too trusting. And I was. I just refused to believe that he would ever betray me. Third, we were sleeping in separate beds due to his snoring. That reason, in particular, made it very easy for my husband to sneak out at night to meet his AP. I can honestly say that I never once caught him either sneaking out or sneaking back in.

One of the biggest reasons he was able to cheat was the nature of his job. He doesn’t sit behind a desk...

, 3 years 1 month ago

Dr. Phil has wisely said that children should not be burdened with adult problems. My husband and I have always tried to keep our children out of our marital troubles, as for us, we felt it was paramount. As they were growing up we kept our disagreements about child rearing behind closed doors. We always put on a united front when the children were present and then hashed it out in private. We worked hard to ensure that our children were allowed to...

, 3 years 1 month ago

I wrote this poem about a year ago when my husband and I were going through the EMS Online course, something which I highly recommend. I can honestly say this course was a marriage saver for us. I wrote it when we were barely six months past D-day. My husband was desperate for forgiveness and affirmation; I was desperate for hope and healing. My desire is that it will bring you some of both. Remember, you are stronger than you think, braver than you believe, and worth more than you feel. Never give up.

Bold = Words of the Unfaithful...

, 3 years 1 month ago

For months after D-day I agonized over the question “Why her?” Okay, to be honest, I’ve agonized over this question almost every day since my world was turned on its axis over twenty months ago. Why this woman? What was there about her that my husband found so alluring?

To be frank, my husband found her on Craig’s List. There was no picture so he didn’t have a clue what she looked like. They messaged through Craig’s List, then exchanged phone numbers and started sexting. It’s not as if they shared their...

, 3 years 2 months ago

Soon after D-day I started keeping a journal. I needed a way to express myself without feeling I had to watch my words. I could vent about my husband without worrying about being cruel. Browsing through the entries I’m struck by the anguish I read in my words, words filled with raw emotion, gut wrenching pain, and the agonized ramblings of a broken heart. I use gutter language and expletives that would shock those who know me. I’m reminded how D-day turned me into someone I barely recognize. I never knew I was capable of such vile words. I’m shocked at how quickly I went from a controlled, confident and capable woman to one out of...