You Need a Susan

It's important that you find a confidant after discovery. Do not think you can go through this agony alone.

Who is your confidant? Who do you reach out to when you need to talk? Not just for friendly chit-chats about the latest movie or daily frustrations over child care. But who do you pour out your heart to when you're sad, lonely, scared or angry? More importantly, who listens to your deepest fears, heartache and pain over the betrayal you're living with?

Have you found a confidant that you trust, that special someone who is there when you need to cry, mourn, yell or just sit and be held?

Susan was that person for me. She drove twenty hours over two days so I wouldn't be alone in those first dark days after learning about my husband's affair. She kept me sane and grounded. Susan made sure I ate, listened without judgment, and held me when I cried. She didn't leave until she was sure I would be okay and then regularly called to ask how I was doing."How are you" wasn't a rhetorical question to Susan. She really wanted to know. She was the only one I shared my deepest fears, thoughts and emotions with. As the weeks moved into months and my husband and I started recovery Susan and I might not talk for a month or two but when we did we shared the fun and interesting things in our lives plus the frustrating and painful. Only Susan knew everything that happened before, during and after the affair. I told her things I never told my siblings. Not even my mother knows the details that I told Susan.

It's important that you find a confidant after d-day. Do not think you can go through this agony alone. Women especially need to talk through their pain until it doesn't hurt anymore. Make sure that the person you choose to be your confidant isn't judgmental but will support you, your spouse and your marriage. This person must also support whatever decision you choose to make about your marriage without inserting their own opinions about what's "best" for you to do, which is a decision only you can make. The talking you do with your confidant is separate from the very important talking that you do with your spouse in order to heal your marriage, if that is what you choose to do. Your confidant is for you and you alone. It's for working through your innermost thoughts and feelings. To make sure that you don't keep them bottled up inside but get them out, work through them, and heal.

Recently Susan's husband called and said that she was in the hospital. I flew out the next morning in time to say good-bye. It was a sudden and unexpected illness that took my dear friend. The only blessing was that she went without pain.

As I write these words I can't stop the tears. I feel Susan's loss on a level that's difficult to explain. Yes, I lost a friend that can never be replaced. But I lost so much more.I lost a person who accepted me without question and loved me without judgment. Susan was genuine. She lived her faith in a way that few people are capable of doing. This isn't a negative reflection on others but a testament on the amazing heart of my treasured friend.

Everyone needs a friend, a confidant, like Susan. If you haven't yet found one, reach out to someone and develop a friendship that is safe enough for you to feel comfortable sharing all of you with, not just the "safe" parts. It can be your mother, father, best friend, sibling, or anyone you trust to be there when you need to open your heart to them. For your mental, spiritual and emotional health, as you work through recovery, you need a Susan.

Good luck and stay strong. You are not alone.

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Lisa I am so sorry to hear

Lisa I am so sorry to hear about the loss of such an important person in your life. I am 19 months out from Dday and in a great deal of pain. I also have a Susan and I am grateful. Thank you for your post and again I am sorry.

So sorry

I too had a confidant. My aunt has been there all my life to listen to my fears and frustrations and help me through them. She always had my back. She was the only one I have shared the whole story of my husband affair with. Within a week of hearing my story and sharing all my crying. She had a massive heart attack and passed away. She was my everything and I brought destruction into her life. I miss her so much.

Lisa, so sorry.

I'm so glad you had Susan during one of the darkest and most difficult times in your life. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your post. I have a Susan. I met her at EMS and we talked almost every day after that weekend. Almost 2 yrs. post D-Day and we are still there for each other...healing day by day and now when we talk it's not ALWAYS about our pain and sadness. She will always be my true friend, one I can tell anything and everything to.

Thank you for your

Thank you for your beautifully written words. Whatever end of infidelity you are on (I am the unfaithful), to have someone offer constant support and accountability has been key. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

No one

Sadly I literally have not a single person in my life to talk to other than my husband. I had my breaking point the other night and told him I was leaving and my only hurdle right now is finding support. You are so lucky to have a friend, cherish that person and all the others in your life

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-D, Texas