, 1 year 9 months ago
The gift of grace to a guilty and shame-ridden soul is humbling

The gift of grace to a guilty and shame-ridden soul is humbling. Once given, the receiver has the choice to cherish it and henceforth act in a way that expresses gratitude, or take advantage of it through a selfish entitlement that overlooks the sacrifice and kindness with which it was given.

The grace that my husband has given me throughout recovery has been vital to the survival of our marriage. His ability to extend chance after chance for me to get...

, 2 years 1 month ago
I have learned that if I want to be true ot myself, I must start by telling the truth to my husband

I have tailored the truth to my audience for as long as I can remember.

And it started with peanuts. I attended a non-denominational Christian elementary school. One day when I was in the fourth grade, I had to stay in from recess for a reason I don't recall. To ease my pain and disappointment of missing out on the best part of the school day, my friend told me that I could have some of the peanuts she had in her lunch box. So, while the class was outside, I helped...

, 2 years 4 months ago

Recently, I started to view my infidelity through the lens of entitlement. Coming to the WHY of my affair has taken a lot of reflection that seemed right at the time, as I uncovered layer after layer of my numerous character flaws. Nothing ever sat well with me as to truly why I did what I did, though until one morning a thought hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that I cheated on my husband not because I was broken, but because I felt I had the right to. I felt entitled to it.

When I told my therapist about my revelation, she was hesitant to accept it. And I get why. In my...

, 2 years 6 months ago

A winning hand of victim cards would include a royal flush of blame, powerlessness, self-deception, self-pity, and fear. Hanging onto these victim cards has been a key reason that my husband and I have struggled during recovery. In fact, an Affair Recovery video I listened to recently said that the unfaithful playing the victim is the single most intolerable thing we can do in the healing process. But being a victim is an easy way for me to avoid responsibility for my actions. Being accountable is hard, uncomfortable and requires courage and vulnerability. Since I have...

, 2 years 8 months ago
The Insidiousness of Shame

Shame: A Pervasive Cancer of the Soul
Shame: Beginning to Break Free

Facing my shame that has plagued me my whole life has been eye-opening for me. I am learning that past trauma that I had left unattended to created a place in my psyche for the pervasive destruction of shame to take hold, wreaking havoc on me and my marriage. I understand now that avoiding and ignoring my strong negative feelings did not make me strong or brave. My husband, like me...

, 2 years 8 months ago
The Insidiousness of Shame

Shame: A Pervasive Cancer of the Soul
Part 2: Coming Soon, October 15!

This past March, about 13 months after our D-Day, my husband suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm that landed him in the ER for emergency surgery. After his surgery, he spent 14 days in the ICU fighting for his life. Brain aneurysms usually have no symptoms until they rupture, and when they do, the survival rate is less than 50%. Needless to say, those 14 days were a very scary time for...