Survivors Blog: 

Reese

Marriage is not easy. When you add infidelity to the mix it’s even harder. Then you try to add effective communication and it can feel like a disaster waiting to happen. If you're like me, the art of communication can feel more like a wrecking ball than an art. This wrecking ball is on a mission to destroy everything in sight: relationships, personal growth, or even a joy-filled life. Early after D-day, there were a ton of unanswered questions and thoughts that would plague my inner world. Time and time again when I would approach my husband to seek information, it was more of a destructive hit to our recovery than a helpful conversation. The wrecking ball would come crashing in through screaming, crying, or straight anger. Clearly NOT helpful. I started asking myself, is this fair for me to want to know more information? Of course it's fair!!! But the way I was engaging was not fair.   I had to lay down some rules to engage with my husband, especially about the infidelity. Rule 1: Only ask questions that will be helpful in healing. Before I implemented this rule.... I started asking my husband ALL the details of the affairs. WHERE? WHEN? HOW? ECT.....ECT... I got so caught up in details; they swirled around in my head haunting me. My anger would then burst out in forms of tears or yelling and the wrecking ball would continue to knock us down. I realized it wasn't helpful to know ALL the details, just the ones that would be beneficial for me to move forward without a blackened, scorned heart. Rick offers guidance through this step in this article. You can also find a lot of great free resources in the “Handling Discovery” section in the recovery library.   Rule 2: I always had to check my 3 T's Timing Tact Tone Timing Is he just getting home from a long or stressful day of work? Have I been traumatized by triggers all day? Are the kids running around like maniacs? Probably NOT good timing.  Checking that the timing is right not only for me, but also my spouse, is a small but crucial step. Tact This is where I do my heart check. Do I have a sarcastic undertone? Am I speaking from such a place of bitterness that I can't articulate my true pain? To spare your spouse from your own ugly heart issues, do a heart check and make sure you are speaking from a heart of understanding and kindness. Tone Truth be told, I can be kind of sassy with a disrespectful tone. I know.... I sound so nice! It's actually pretty embarrassing how unkind I can be. I have to check my tone of rudeness and sass at the door before I can truly engage in a productive conversation with my husband. Rule 3: Be a safe place for my spouse to speak truth If I want my husband to be truthful, I have to make sure my emotions are in check. I can’t let my emotions rule my interactions with him, my rationale to make good responses, ormy overall general disposition. The reality is..... He had told me some of the hardest things I've ever heard in my life and I wanted to explode with reaction time and time again; I probably even had good reason to do so, but I had to harness my immediate response. If I couldn't, I would see signs of the wrecking ball coming in for destruction. At that point, I would ask my spouse if I could walk away and collect myself. Once I had my emotions under control, I could re -engage. The truth is: Why would he ever consider telling me the truth if he knew every time I would end up a crazy woman...... I don't blame him. I WAS acting crazy. I had to reel in the crazy and check my emotions. Rule 4: Pray This is more than a rule for me.... It's my air I need to breathe. I need it, and can't navigate life effectively without it. In this scenario, I would pray in two ways: Ask if whatever was on my mind was truly something God wanted me to approach with my spouse. If the answer above was yes, I would then pray before I interacted with my spouse about the issue. I would pray that my heart would be right, my words would be non-judgmental and my attitude would be to seek understanding. Following these rules of engagement has been instrumental in our growth process.  Although I'm definitely not perfect and can sometimes fall short and break my own rules, we are still able to move forward. Through our training at Affair Recovery, we learned we can not control our spouse, but only ourselves. These rules are a great first step to creating a safe environment that can lead to reconciliation. If you are struggling through the early stages of recovery while trying to figure out what questions to ask or what questions to answer, I suggest trying the free 7 Day First Steps Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity it goes into great detail to help you travel this stormy waters.

As I watch my daughter swimming in the lake, I see her head tilted back and face just barely above water. She is fully safe, and a strong swimmer but struggles with swimming in the lake with all the wind and waves working against her. I am quickly reminded of the time I felt I was barely surviving. Infidelity was an unexpected wave that tried to drown me. My head was barely above water. There is definitely a survival mode that happens after D-Day. Managing emotions, protecting kids, counseling; really just attempting to fulfill any of my many responsibilities. It was exhausting, emotional and seemed to last a lifetime. In reality, a few months into trying to stay afloat, I was tired of just trying to survive. I didn’t want to just survive marital betrayal. I didn’t want to just survive marriage. I didn’t want to just survive life. I wanted to THRIVE! My mentor I was meeting with at the time mentioned an amazing perspective that truly allowed me to decide to thrive. During her 25 years of mentoring, she had seen many couples go through similar circumstances and her response was this, “Those couples who decided to work through this hardship, and commit to marriage, have some of the best, most abundant marriages I’ve seen ever seen and they are still thriving to this day.” OKAY, I knew I was in! I was ready to commit to my husband and my marriage and I was ready to thrive. My first step was finding my lifeboat. For me, that was Jesus. The waves of trial were going to continue in life but I knew I couldn’t survive the storm on my own. I needed to fully submerge myself in Him. My next step was deciding I wasn’t going to make my marriage about me. I was going to honor my husband by serving him. I know,this is a dreaded word,but just hang with me for a minute. What if we can serve differently? So I decided I was going to serve him in 3 ways: Attitude, Action and Affection. Serving through Attitude: This was a huge shift for me. I couldn’t “fake it” any longer. My attitude towards my husband had morphed completely since we got married and after almost 9 years, I had a hard time relating to him. I was always irritated, inconvenienced or frustrated by what he said or did or really, just who he was. The truth was that I was just so hurt by him that I didn’t want to relate to him anymore. THIS HAD TO STOP. There was no hope for our marriage if my attitude sucked,and it did. My decision was to serve him with an attitude of grace. When he made a simple request, “Could you please make sure there are no dishes in the sink when I get home?” I did it.Not just the task, but with a heart of pleasure with a heart of service. When he asked for my help, I did it HAPPILY. When he needed forgiveness, I gave it freely. As my heart shifted I noticed that I was smiling more, laughing more and truly enjoying being around him more. Serving through Action: This next one takes some serious self -control. The whole concept behind this is simple, every negative calls for a positive response. I decided instead of just responding out of anger in hard situations, I was going to calmly and respectively respond “the right way.” Now notice, I did not say, “Be Right”, but respond right. When he was harsh with me with words, I would ask him how I could make it right with him. I would try to recognize quickly my portion of guilt and be first to ask for forgiveness. Even though I might only be a little wrong I would still ALWAYS own my part and ALWAYS ask for his forgiveness. This took some practice, but I started getting better at controlling my response and truly seeking reconciliation and not confrontation, our relationship truly started changing. Serving through Affection: This was the biggest one for my husband. This is more than just sexual connection with your spouse, but true affection. As we traveled down this road, I realized how insecure my husband was about the status of our relationship. He would always question: Is she going to leave? Is she still attracted to me? Does she even enjoy my company? These questions plagued his thoughts and drove a wedge between us physically. When I started to make an extra effort towards giving him assurance through affection, we started to get physically closer. Simple things like, holding his hand, putting my hand on his leg or even through words of affirmation. At first, it took a lot of effort on my part, mostly because I truly was still upset with him and didn’t want to show him affection. I didn’t think he deserved it. But again, I was committed to serving and I wanted to THRIVE. The waves of marital trial started to settle and slowly our marriage started to thrive. As my response to my husband was kinder, more gentle and patient, his interactions with me became more calm, loving and respectful. Not only was I changing, it started a huge change in him. This weekend we celebrated 13 years of marriage. As we talked about our journey I was reminded of my mentors words so many years ago. I can truly say that I wouldn’t change our past of rough waters for anything, it is part of the reason we can THRIVE! “Not so with you instead, whoever wants to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave, for the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:26-28

Before I found out about the affairs, I remember obsessively checking my husband’s stuff. Late at night I’d sneak out of the bedroom and scurry around the house to investigate. I’d find his laptop, check his social media accounts, scan his text messages; my reconnaissance began to control my life through my thoughts. Once I gathered whatever “evidence” I was seeking, I would lay back in bed and run these thoughts through my mind. “Who is he texting?”, “What is he doing when I’m not around?”, “Is he having inappropriate conversations?” There was obviously some truth to my suspicion, but at the time there was no rhyme or reason as to how to sort the truth from the lies. My mind was like a rat in a wheel, spinning like crazy through every possible scenario. As soon as the infidelity came out, my thought patterns continued. I would randomly corner him and ask nutty questions, “Do you think she is prettier than me?”, “How did you kiss her?” “Did you enjoy kissing her?”. I was searching for answers but it was driving me mad! The rat just kept spinning and the emotions that it created were anger, frustration, and chaos. I knew I needed a change, a renewed perspective of how to deal with the reality of my current circumstance. I didn’t want to be a victim and I didn’t want my husband’s infidelity to define me. Then I read this verse…..”Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be TRANSFORMED by the RENEWING of your mind…” Romans 12:2a “YES! YES!” I thought to myself. “I want that, I need that.” I had to renew the way I saw life and I knew it started with my thoughts. I knew the bible was truth, and that’s what I was seeking. I didn’t have control of my circumstance, I didn’t have control of knowing if my husband was being truthful, but I did have control of what I allowed myself to think. I needed to change the rat on my wheel. That day I decided to stop thinking about unfaithful scenarios, comparing myself to the other women, or details about the infidelity. I put TRUTH in my wheel. “I am a Child of God” (John 1:12-13), “I am a new creation” (2 Corinthians 5:17), “I am loved” (John 15:9). This truth was comforting, but I knew I needed a game plan! Knowing the truth in one moment and actually having it become a part of my life were two very different things. So I found my strategy, “Take captive EVERY thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5b “Really?!?!” I wondered. “EVERY thought?” That seemed too hard and unrealistic, but it was worth a shot! When I woke up the next morning, sure enough those random, unhealthy questions started to roll around in my mind. Instead of entertaining those ideas, I went straight to the truth in the Bible and started saying the verses I knew. “ Do not fear for I am with you” (Is 41:10), “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) I felt relief, comfort and an indescribable peace…..immediately! This happened ALL day. Thoughts would creep into my head and the rat would start spinning, but I immediately defused my chaotic inner world with TRUTH. The more I put this into practice, the less I had to think about it. Almost like it became a new pattern! My mind was being renewed and it started a transformation in me that was incredible. I began to be transformed from the inside out! It took commitment, intentionality & time, but the rat race ended and I was TRANSFORMED.

My husband and I turned on a romantic-comedy the other night. We ended up on some Cameron Diaz movie and what is the premise??? Infidelity. We don't talk about it, just get in our movie trance and watch the movie unfold. 20 minutes in I find myself laughing hysterically! I glance at my husband, who has a straight face, and say "I can't believe I'm laughing." He smiles at me and replies, "me either". We are over 4 years out from D day and our story is certainly no laughing matter. Our story involves betrayal, hurt, anger and many moments of hopelessness and chaos! Through my discovery of forgiveness, and eventual willingness to extend it to my husband for his infidelity, I've been freed! The chains I once felt imprisoned to are gone! My hurts sometimes rear up and attempt to capture my heart, but as I continually turn to the art of forgiveness, they no longer have a grip on me. Although it took dedication, time, and trust to get to this freedom, I continually see the hope and healing that comes from the hard work of recovery. So although it is no laughing matter, I can sit here today and smile at my unfaithful husband. Not because I am perfect, and he is definitely not perfect, but finding forgiveness and offering it whether or not it's being sought is Freedom! Now I know you must be thinking, "How in the world do I get from where I am now to this freedom?" Well at least that's what I thought. I accepted these three ideas about forgiveness that truly led the way to freedom. Forgiveness is a choice: Sure you can sit and wallow in your misery, but what good does that do? You feel worse, your spouse can't stand to be around you and neither can anyone else for that matter. Decide today that you want to forgive. In EMS Online we learned that there are 2 types of forgiveness. The first type of forgiveness is vertical where you release the offense done to you to God and agree that they will not get what they deserve. The second type of forgiveness is horizontal and that’s where reconciliation occurs. This comes after the offending person does what is necessary to make it safe for you and safe for your relationship to continue. The first type of forgiveness isn't optional, it’s what we do for our own well-being, but the second type is optional and can only come when the other person is being safe. Forgiveness is a process: Yes, the initial step to forgive is an active step that can occur immediately but the feelings of trust, closeness, even love can take some time. Be patient with yourself.... The journey could be hard and long but the reward is worth it. Forgiveness is a gift: Only you can forgive your spouse for the hurt they caused you..... Do they deserve it? No way! But that's the beauty of it. Do I deserve to be forgiven when I crash the rental car, intentionally spend way too much money, or just plain have a crappy attitude? NO..... But I desire to be forgiven and to be given that gift is like a weight lifted from my shoulders. So if I desire to be forgiven, why wouldn't I share that gift with the person I committed my life too? Forgiveness is freedom....For you, and your spouse. "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as The Lord forgave you" -Colossians 3:13