Rat Race

Before I found out about the affairs, I remember obsessively checking my husband’s stuff. Late at night I’d sneak out of the bedroom and scurry around the house to investigate. I’d find his laptop, check his social media accounts, scan his text messages; my reconnaissance began to control my life through my thoughts. Once I gathered whatever “evidence” I was seeking, I would lay back in bed and run these thoughts through my mind. “Who is he texting?”, “What is he doing when I’m not around?”, “Is he having inappropriate conversations?” There was obviously some truth to my suspicion, but at the time there was no rhyme or reason as to how to sort the truth from the lies. My mind was like a rat in a wheel, spinning like crazy through every possible scenario.

As soon as the infidelity came out, my thought patterns continued. I would randomly corner him and ask nutty questions, “Do you think she is prettier than me?”, “How did you kiss her?” “Did you enjoy kissing her?”. I was searching for answers but it was driving me mad! The rat just kept spinning and the emotions that it created were anger, frustration, and chaos.

I knew I needed a change, a renewed perspective of how to deal with the reality of my current circumstance. I didn’t want to be a victim and I didn’t want my husband’s infidelity to define me.

Then I read this verse…..”Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be TRANSFORMED by the RENEWING of your mind…” Romans 12:2a

“YES! YES!” I thought to myself. “I want that, I need that.”

I had to renew the way I saw life and I knew it started with my thoughts. I knew the bible was truth, and that’s what I was seeking. I didn’t have control of my circumstance, I didn’t have control of knowing if my husband was being truthful, but I did have control of what I allowed myself to think. I needed to change the rat on my wheel. That day I decided to stop thinking about unfaithful scenarios, comparing myself to the other women, or details about the infidelity. I put TRUTH in my wheel. “I am a Child of God” (John 1:12-13), “I am a new creation” (2 Corinthians 5:17), “I am loved” (John 15:9).

This truth was comforting, but I knew I needed a game plan! Knowing the truth in one moment and actually having it become a part of my life were two very different things. So I found my strategy, “Take captive EVERY thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5b

“Really?!?!” I wondered. “EVERY thought?”

That seemed too hard and unrealistic, but it was worth a shot! When I woke up the next morning, sure enough those random, unhealthy questions started to roll around in my mind. Instead of entertaining those ideas, I went straight to the truth in the Bible and started saying the verses I knew. “ Do not fear for I am with you” (Is 41:10), “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

I felt relief, comfort and an indescribable peace…..immediately! This happened ALL day. Thoughts would creep into my head and the rat would start spinning, but I immediately defused my chaotic inner world with TRUTH.

The more I put this into practice, the less I had to think about it. Almost like it became a new pattern! My mind was being renewed and it started a transformation in me that was incredible. I began to be transformed from the inside out!

It took commitment, intentionality & time, but the rat race ended and I was TRANSFORMED.

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I remember those times not

I remember those times not before but after d-day, it would consume me had to dig had to find out what were when. Even though I had good reason in one way (my wife would not talk about any thing to do with her affairs) I could tell it was changing who I was and wanted to be. It was love I turned to again, I needed to love, the verse thar kept coming back to me was." I will never leave you or forsake you" that is love so that is what I focused on his love for me, my love for my wife my love for my kids. I had to focuse on love. Every time I started to get pumped up to search I would instead see how it was changing me and would think on loving instead. Over time I started to realise I could not change the hearts of others by digging more stuff up only love can change hearts, if I could be the conduit that Christ uses to show his love to my wife then he can change her and I can grow and learn also. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

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