The Rock at the Bottom

I probably won't forget things, but i certainly can grow from them. And if I can be honest with myself, I can smile at where I am today versus where I was last year.

Strong winds are blowing outside and the cold is hard to deny. We're in the cusp of springtime, and just a few days ago it was nice and in the 70s. A familiar heaviness burdens me, and it's hard to shake off. I pray and am tired. I know I want to get up and go and do things. I have things to do, but I refuse to write this off as lazy. It's my day off; however, I just seem a little weak or unmotivated, which is frustrating because I like to do things on my days off. I went to do my favorite exercises, but was not confident there. I have not been my usual ball of excitement, but if I think about it, it's been maybe a week or more now. It saddens me. I know this month is D-day month. I loathe that it would get to me. The month came to a slow crawl as it neared, and I cringed even as I tried to dismiss it or ignore its arrival.

So much damage was compounded that very day. I can't even recall the exact day, but what good would it do if I did? Nightmare upon nightmare, that day took so much energy and life from me. This wasn't even the first D-day. But this D-day was the first to create a ripple effect that significantly changed our lives.

Today compared to last year, I can say it looks different. The trauma did a number. I say trauma carefully, as it took me some time to "hear" that word. To this day, it's still hard for me to accept it as trauma or PTSD. But it is severe enough that I still get triggered and I am still affected tremendously. I have a lot of pride in the way, and I'll admit it makes things difficult for myself. I am very blessed though, with the grace of God and wonderful people in my corner.

A kind friend told me once that I should try and see D-day as a victorious day. I was shocked at that; even more shocked at the revelation of how she explained it. She said that it was the day God said "ENOUGH" and that I was able to trust my now-husband to Him. It was my opportunity to let go and let God, and not have to be in control and take everything upon myself any longer. It's always been so hard for me to NOT be in control. This betrayal, the revealing of infidelity and his addiction was not in my control. I had no control or choice in this matter, which for me personally was beyond any destruction I could imagine. The carnage was unimaginable.

I've survived many crises and abuse and tragedies, but this was something I was not built or prepared for, I hate to admit. I've always prided myself in being tough, independent, adaptable, able to endure and persevere. This was a monster I thought I could avoid or believed I wouldn't allow to happen to me. Pride and ignorance are costly.

I love my family. I love my kids. I love my husband. He and I have been together about 8 years now and our first D-day was when we found out I was pregnant. We stuck it out in the worst kind of way, destroyed each other, and affected our kids. But this time, this damage, upon hitting rock bottom, there was no way left to go but up.

I'm glad it was God Who was the Rock at the bottom.

It's all work, but there's a lot of play too. I still have my days of triggers, but my husband and I talk more now. We pray and put God in the center and we include the kiddos. When we argue and the kids see, we make sure they see that we make up - we forgive; we grow stronger.

Today, the wind is blowing hard and it's tumultuous, but if I think about it, it doesn't last long and it has its benefits, and there's beauty in it too. I think and thank God for being the artist that He is. In our mess, He makes a masterpiece.

I still cry and feel the yuck, but that's ok. Our counselor shared that the more I allow myself to feel the "feels", the more desensitized I can become to them. I probably won't forget things, but I certainly can grow from them. And if I can be honest with myself, I can smile at where I am today, versus where I was last year when I didn't even notice how hard the wind was blowing or if there was rain or if my kids needed me or when I just couldn't get out of bed or why God let this happen. I feel blessed. From the hurt, hardship, pain and despair, I found God. I actually ran to Him and have never been closer. So, this upcoming D-day... I can just shrug at it, turn to my husband, meet his kiss with mine, hug my kids close and we all praise God.

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Thank you

I appreciate your honesty! I am so thankful for the words you write that is so much of how I feel. I know each journey is individual BUT it appears there are a lot of similarities too!

The words you write are salve for my brokenness and pain! Thank you!

How do you reconcile with G-d?

I can’t say I am in a good place. I am literally staying so my kids to know they were worth the pain, but how can I show them how to love and be loved? I am angry, resentful and so ashamed that G-d allowed and encouraged the only family that I picked to callously destroy me. G-d, my WW, my son’s coach and all the people who knew are all on equal footing in my eyes. I want nothing to do with them, no interest in the slightest. She wants R, but I don’t see a prize worth fighting for in her or us.

Question- How do you not blame G-d when he knows and wrote a life story with no hero’s only villains and victims?

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-D, Texas