Survivors Blog: 

Kristen

Hello, Kristin S. here. If you're watching this video, it means that you've experienced infidelity in some way in your life. You've either discovered that your partner has cheated on you, or maybe you have been unfaithful to your partner. No matter which side of this equation that you're on, it's likely that you can appreciate how entirely lonely this time in your life is. You're caught in quite the pickle. Talking about the affair to other people potentially leaves you open for misunderstanding, judgment, criticism, unwanted opinions, and gossip. Keeping the affair to yourself represents its own challenge, leaving you in the horrendous cycle of ruminating thoughts. Let me tell you how I handled this challenging time in my life. I was the wayward partner. I told everyone, like everyone. We had a tight-knit circle of friends, and my AP and his spouse were part of it…

Hello. This is Kristin. As an unfaithful spouse, one may argue that the shame I experienced post affair was expected, while unhelpful to my healing. One would expect that I would be feeling shame, guilt after what happened. I had betrayed the trust of my spouse, of my family, my friends, and maybe most importantly, myself. This type of shame is pretty standard. However, there are two sides to the shame coin equally damaging, but one is much less understood. The shame a betrayed spouse may be feeling is a real and potentially crippling emotion. Thoughts are flying through your head a mile a minute. Why did this happen to me? What is it about me that caused them to cheat? Why was I not enough? What are people going to think? What could I have done differently? To be clear, I hope you are not feeling this way. But based on my own experience and in speaking with other…

Imagine you walk in the door to your house. You hear a noise coming from upstairs… sounds like chewing and tearing. You go to investigate and discover the source of the sound is your dog eating your brand-new shoes! You give your dog the appropriate scolding and send him on his way while you survey the damage to your kicks. Your dog gives you the saddest puppy eyes as he skulks from the room. Fast forward a few hours… your dog is cozied up next to you on the couch while you watch your favorite television programs. At bedtime, he takes his prized position at the foot of your bed when you settle in for the night. You give him a loving pat on the head and wish him a good night, as is your routine every evening. Wait. Didn’t Fido eat your new favorite shoes a mere four hours ago? Those were expensive! He has wronged you! Doesn’t he feel badly about what he did? Doesn…

Post infidelity, I found myself in a new world filled with all sorts of triggers. Not only would reminders from my marriage and husband trigger me, but I was also triggered by reminders of my AP. One notable occasion was a breakdown at a diner. The waitress asked, "what type of toast would you like? We have white, wheat, rye, and sourdough." Sourdough bread. Did she just mention sourdough bread? Memories related to sourdough bread rush to the forefront of my mind. Immediately, I'm cascading down a shame and grief spiral and can no longer hear what the waitress is saying, let alone respond. My mood instantly turns dark, and I am flooded with negative thoughts. I'm quickly reminded of the tumultuous ocean my life has become since D-Day; the pain so great that I'm unsure how to continue to bear it. Hoping she doesn't notice my complete descent into misery, I…