, 1 year 11 months ago

A man’s self-image is important. The world teaches us that men are supposed to be strong, courageous, wise, and unemotional.

I was a “man”.... 

 

I was a husband, a father, a provider. I was “tough”...

When the world hit me I hit back. 

When I was in pain I rubbed dirt in the wound and got back on the field. I didn't have any need for emotions (except anger). I was in control. I was respected and wise.

Or at least I thought I was.

Then D-day hit. I cried for days. I lost 20 lbs in a month, threw up...

, 1 year 11 months ago

I grew up in a very broken family. My parents divorced when I was around two years old and I never really knew my biological father. My mother was an alcoholic who drank and smoked her life away. We were very poor, I remember a time when the only thing we had in the cupboard was half of a jar of peanut butter. My mother was married before and I have 3 half-brothers from 2 different fathers. I never had a father figure in my life. None of the fathers stuck around. In the toughest times we boys, were passed around to relatives that could take care of us. After high school, I entered the Army. After my...

, 2 years 1 month ago

Sex and intimacy are such big topics and it seems all couples struggle with one or both in some way. Couples that say they don’t struggle in either area are either the rare exception or more likely, they are not giving you the full story. 

My wife and I always struggled with sex, me wanting it all the time, her not so much. She has always struggled with enjoying sex. She can never seem to relax enough to get any enjoyment. In fact, our sex struggle was one of the reasons for her affair. She thought that maybe she had just married the wrong guy and that maybe sex with someone else would be...

, 2 years 2 months ago

Yes? Congratulations!!

Bet you didn’t expect that statement after revealing what felt like your spouse tearing your heart out of your chest and stomping on it, did you?

I remember back to D-Day, the devastation, the uncertainty, and the pain. I remember vomiting until there was nothing left to vomit. I remember the hopelessness. I remember the suicidal thoughts.

I remember the advice and guidance. God told me to forgive. My friends told me to dump the skank and go get laid. My parents told me to protect the children. My pastor told me to pray. My lawyer told me to...

, 2 years 7 months ago

Something occurred at work today that took me back to memories of life just after Dday.  I was a basket case for a while. Even after the worst of it I was still very much buried in the weeds of the jungle that is recovery. It was almost impossible to see anything but the weeds. I started making decisions based on being in the weeds.  Some days I would decide I was done, only to decide shortly thereafter I was ready to fight, then later that day or the next it would hit the fan and I would decide I was again done and around it would again go. Some days I wanted my wife dead other days I wanted to save her. It felt like I was...

, 3 years 2 months ago

I had a rough childhood. I grew up in a broken family and we were always very poor.  My mother was married multiple times and had children with all of them. The guys were never good role models. I spent many years living with relatives when my mother could no longer take care of us. There was a time we actually lived in a house with no running water and an outhouse. I remember a day when the only thing we had to eat in the house was a half a jar of peanut butter.  Not the best of times for a child.

When I was about 9 I came down with acute appendicitis.  I was rushed to the...

, 3 years 4 months ago

One reason why people cheat is what I like to call “conscience searing”. Here is an example:

Bob and Cindy

Bob and Cindy had great childhoods. They grew up in loving families with strong religious and moral backgrounds.  Neither of them got into any serious trouble and both excelled at school. They met each other in college. They grew closer through the college years and before they knew it Bob had popped the question to Cindy. A joyful wedding and a wonderful honeymoon followed. They were madly in love and nothing would ever come between them....

, 3 years 5 months ago

man on cliff reset priorities5..4..3..2..1….  Fire

At 12:15 am Friday June 18, 2010 Ronnie Lee Gardner was executed by firing squad at the Utah State Prison in Draper, Utah for the murder of an attorney 25 years before. 

Although it’s always a tragedy when capital punishment is required very few people disagree with the ultimate consequences of Mr. Gardner’s actions.

In reading the news reports years ago, I was led to think about the times in my life when I faced serious consequences for my poor decisions.  Most of them were caused by my failure to keep my priorities in correct order. The...

, 6 years 10 months ago

When going into battle you know that you need to prepare. You wear a helmet and armor. You have weapons and shields. You have a battle plan and fallback instructions. You have team mates who will stand at your side. First aid is standing by. You have a train of people providing support and encouragement. Marriage is a battle. We are faced with enemies and temptations on all sides. Pornography. Apathy. Easy divorce. Facebook. The media. We could go on and on.

On the other hand, the world would have us believe that marriage is 2 against the world; all romantic balconies in scenic locations. Heart fluttering, breathtaking, sweep you off your feet “lurve”. The enemy wants us to wing it and to follow our feelings. He wants you to believe the lies of the world. He wants you to...

, 6 years 10 months ago

Most everyone is familiar with “Survivor,” a reality show where 20 men and women try to “outwit, outlast, and outplay” each other. This is done by physical ability, intelligence, and sometimes by deception and deceit. In other words one of the ways to succeed is to be “evil”.

The latest season ended last Sunday and of the last 3 contestants, one used every “evil” tactic possible to get to the finals. In the final vote the contestants got to choose who they think was best at “outwitting, outlasting and outplaying” the other finalists. The “evil” player was chosen in last place due to his tactics and strategy. The winner was chosen because she was “less evil” than the other finalists. All the jury members had been affected directly by the “evil” tactics and strategy.

In...

, 6 years 10 months ago

Jim’s son Bobby just spilled chocolate milk on the carpet. Jim just cleaned the carpets last week. Jim is very upset. He loses his cool and yells and screams at Bobby. Bobby cowers in fear from his dad. Later Jim justifies his actions by saying “I have a temper” “I’m just like that”.

Suzie is scheduled to meet her friends at church at 10:00 am. At 9:55 Suzie is still putting her makeup on. Suzie shows up 10 minutes late. Her friends know Suzie is always late and are starting to get upset about her lack of consideration. Suzie says “I lost track of time” “I’m just like that”.

Bob has been married to Brenda for 11 years. Their sex lives have cooled since the...

, 6 years 11 months ago

Facebook is an American as apple pie and baseball. Everyone has a Facebook account don’t they? Actually I don’t and neither does my wife. We used to have them. It was one of the ways our marriage almost ended.

In 2011 the group Divorce Online researched 5000 divorce filings and found that 1/3 of them mentioned Facebook as a reason. In the Harboring Hope courses I have been involved with here at AR approximately 70 percent of affairs by the women were started by contact on Facebook or other social media sites. One of the ways my wife communicated with her affair partners was through Facebook/Myspace, In fact rarely a day went by without some sleaze ball trying to chat up my wife.

Facebook can be an incredibly useful and entertaining tool for some. For others, especially...

, 6 years 11 months ago

Was he a better lover? Was he better endowed? Am I weak or too feminine? Why did she do ......with him that she never did with me? Maybe if I was a better lover she wouldn’t have cheated. How could she not have used a condom?

These painful, humiliating and embarrassing questions and thoughts running through the minds of husbands whose wives are involved with sexual affairs with another man or men strike at the very core of our being. I remember the pain I felt when I found out my wife had done sexual things with her affair partner she had refused to do with me.

Statistics have shown that most women involved in sexual affairs give sex in return for emotional connection. Most men involved with sexual affairs give emotional connection in return for sex. It has to do with...

, 7 years 2 days ago

When I was around 9 years old I had to have my Appendix removed. It had not burst but it was very close. I remember well the extreme pain before the surgery. Debilitating, double-you-over pain. After the surgery I remember I was still in quite a bit of pain. I did not want to cough because the coughing stretched the surgery site. Over the next days, weeks and years the wound healed. I no longer have pain but occasionally if I stretch just the wrong way I can feel twinges at the site of the scar. The experience is now part of my past. I can’t change it or pretend it didn’t happen. It’s just another piece in the puzzle of my life.

As I have been involved over the past few years with Harboring Hope and EMS programs, one common thing I see is couples or individuals trying to sweep...

, 7 years 6 days ago

I’ll bet you never thought you would see these two statements together did you? Before you close this blog and delete your membership let me explain.

Most betrayed spouses are well acquainted with the normal reactions after discovery day (D-Day). Shock. Anger. Pain. Disbelief. Throwing up, etc. Most of the reactions are considered normal to anyone facing a loss like this.

One of the reactions that I had surprised me and made me wonder if I was going insane. I was relieved!

Most types of affairs happen gradually over time. Not many people wake up one day and say “I’m going to have an affair today.” Slow, small, seemingly innocent steps lead up to the terrible tragedy. A friend request from an old flame on Facebook leads to clandestine texts and IM’s. This may lead...

, 7 years 1 week ago

Three months later my wife had a change of heart and decided to give it one chance at reconciliation. We attended EMS Weekend and my wife was involved in Affair Recovery Counseling. I also participated in the Affair Recovery Harboring Hope program. Slowly, over time, things turned around.

Today, three years later, I am faced with the reality of what “recovery” looks like. It’s not exactly what I had expected. I expected my wife to turn into a perfect wife and for us to have a perfect marriage. I expected all the triggers and scars to fade to nothing. I expected my wife to crawl on her knees begging me for...

, 7 years 4 weeks ago

This morning while writing notes on my daily devotional, I noticed the vivid blue color of the pen I was using. A very beautiful blue color that contrasts nicely with the white paper I use. I have been using the same pen and paper for months. Why am I now just noticing this?

The metropolitan area I live in is located in a valley between two beautiful and magnificent mountain ranges. We can drive to a ski resort in the winter in 30 minutes. The Wasatch Mountains are on the east and the Oquirrh Mountains on the west. Every day I drive towards the Wasatch Mountains on the way to work. Daily the beauty and magnificence fills my windshield. Unfortunately on most days I don’t even notice the mountains. I notice the guy who cut me off. I notice the tasks I have to complete at work. I...