Sex and Intimacy after an Affair

Sex and intimacy are such big topics and it seems all couples struggle with one or both in some way. Couples that say they don’t struggle in either area are either the rare exception or more likely, they are not giving you the full story. 

My wife and I always struggled with sex, me wanting it all the time, her not so much. She has always struggled with enjoying sex. She can never seem to relax enough to get any enjoyment. In fact, our sex struggle was one of the reasons for her affair. She thought that maybe she had just married the wrong guy and that maybe sex with someone else would be better. It wasn't. In fact, she said it was a disaster.

To be truthful I thought that after the affair and our recovery process, my wife was going to turn into the sexual companion I always wanted. That didn't happen either.
It was in fact, quite a disappointment at first.

I received some wise words from a trusted counselor when I told them I wanted to have a better sexual relationship and if I didn't get it I would leave. The counselor asked me "What if this is as good as it gets?" She went on and asked was it wise for me to expect my wife to completely change in this area. She had always struggled, why would I think it would all change overnight? It made me really sit down and think and look at the struggle from all angles. 

We didn't have a perfect sex life but it wasn't horrible. At least we had a sex life when lots of couples I know of, just plain don't. I had a wife that who was trying and working at improving our sex life!  She wasn’t just giving up. It wasn't the 100% I wanted but I was getting probably 80%. Was it fair to expect the 100%? I finally came to the realization that I needed to adjust my expectations and stop asking for perfection.

Now my story, of course, is just mine. Everyone has different circumstances but I would suggest you give your relationship the time required to stabilize. Normal timelines are roughly 18-24 months of good solid recovery work. If you try and duct tape it, it could be much longer.  Perhaps, if you obtain the best help possible as soon as you can, it may even be shorter.  After that, you will have to take a close look and see if you can live with the new person and marriage post recovery. Remember, you have the power to choose to stay or go.  All I can ask is that you give it time and try and be realistic in your expectations. What you’re probably feeling right now, this instant, is probably not what you’re going to feel in six weeks or six months, if you take the appropriate action.  80% is pretty good in the grand scheme of things.

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Sex after the adfair

So what if the affair was the opposite? Is it also fair to expect that it could be better than before. If they were having sex 4-5 times in a48 hour period and you are stuck at 1 per week. That it is better than before affair by far asit was 1 time every 3 weeks but had been sometimes 1 in two months. I think that we can all grow and it is up to the low desire to do the work to see if they can improve. They have to be willing to seek help. It's when that has not happened that I think it is time to give up. When do they want to see if they can be better, to improve. If I have suggestions or offer up a book or seminar to look into. Now I am controlling. And it wears us out and drives us further into withdrawal. How do you get help?

Sex After Affair When We were both Virgins Before Marriage

Yep, I was the low desire one--two tiny kids and a job. My pleas for more help and relief/recreation unmet. Yep--he had an affair of ten years with a further 17 years emotional as cherry on top. I never had one clue.

My question to myself and anyone else who might relate - how can I ever wrap my mind around him touching me again when he threw our exclusivity, our precious one and only-ness away? If sex means nothing more than physical release to him, DEFACTO no longer exclusive to us, how can I ever believe he sees it and me as more? I feel dirty and used---all used up. The one and only genie is out of the bottle and can NEVER be replaced. HIS choice---not mine. I am now and forever one of two. Never again precious, special or unique.
Doesn't exactly make me want sex with him. How do y'all ever re-engage especially when you have been so deeply violated?

In my case it was my wife

In my case it was my wife that had the affair. We have been married 25 years now with two kids, and I caught her with the same guy over a period of 5 years. Each time she begged for forgiveness and assured me it would not happen again. As I have gotten older, I have tried to look at all perspectives. Although she made the choice to do this and is being held accountable for it, I also had to look at myself and understand what I was not providing that drove her to her decision. At the end of the day, I truly love her and that cannot be turned off. We have now gotten to a point of 100% openness and honesty, and I mean completely open. No topic is off limits and no one is judged by what they want or what they say. Our relationship is on track to better than ever and at the end of the day, the affair sucks, buts its not what is important to me.

Just can't wrap my head around it

I still love my wife, but my anger at her getting away with the affair has caused me to (I have had to identify this in my brain) try and exact revenge for the pain she caused me. And this is keeping us disconnected and apart over the past nearly 5 years since I exposed the affair. It is like a double-sided blade as, on one hand, I want to forget what happened and plunge into our marriage again and on the other hand I want to see her suffer like she's made me suffer. It keeps me constantly frustrated and tormented and why we are on the verge of divorce.
I wish we could be open and honest with our feelings and be able to communicate 100 percent, like you. I have prayed so much over the past few years and I feel like I am just hitting a brick wall that won't budge and that God is just turning His back on me and refusing to listen. Just so frustrated, so enraged, so bitter and I don't know how to get out of this ugly rut!

So Hard to hope

I have the horrible misfortune of having HEARD my wife having sex with the AP. She sounded like it was the best sex anyone could ever have. CERTAINLY the best sex SHE has ever had. She has never made those sound with me ever in our marriage. We have been together since we were 19, and she is the only woman I have ever been with sexually. After hearing her like that, and learning just how emotionally strong her connection the the AP was, I am in near despair that she can ever come anywhere near that level of intimacy with me. I know God can heal and improve anything, but where I am now, just a few months in, I am really struggling to hope. My wife cut me off from all physical contact as soon as her affair began, so I have already been without for a long time, and now she tells me she never wants that from me ever again. Sex isn't the only (or even most important) aspect of what I valued in our marriage, but it has a different weight to it right now when she gave her AP more sex during their affair than we had over the course of a few years.

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