Did Your Spouse Cheat on You?

Yes? Congratulations!!

Bet you didn’t expect that statement after revealing what felt like your spouse tearing your heart out of your chest and stomping on it, did you?

I remember back to D-Day, the devastation, the uncertainty, and the pain. I remember vomiting until there was nothing left to vomit. I remember the hopelessness. I remember the suicidal thoughts.

I remember the advice and guidance. God told me to forgive. My friends told me to dump the skank and go get laid. My parents told me to protect the children. My pastor told me to pray. My lawyer told me to preserve evidence.

My heart told me to stay. My mind told me to run.

I had no idea what to do or where to go. It was hell for a while. I was making all the decisions based on what others thought I should do. I was making future decisions based on the past or even worse, I was making decisions based on what I thought my new future would be. Believe it or not, I convinced myself I was going to end up alone and abandoned, eating TV dinners in a Barcalounger.

A little later in my recovery, I had a breakthrough. I was in control! I had all the power! I could choose. Seems strange but the more I thought through it the more it made sense.  I had every reason to leave and I had every reason to stay. I had a free pass either way. God wouldn’t judge me for leaving. My family and friends all had ulterior motives to their advice. It really was all my decision and no matter what I chose I was right. I was going to be okay no matter what I chose.

A huge burden was lifted from my shoulders when I had the revelation that I was free to make the decision to stay or go with a clear mind and no expectations. If I stayed it would be because I wanted to stay. If I left it would be because I wanted to leave. Both were okay. Both were right. This freedom was an enormous help in figuring out what the right decision was for me and it also allowed me to continue to make the right decisions.

If you are in a similar situation trying to make the right choices, feeling overwhelmed, please know that you have the power to choose to stay or leave and no matter what you choose you will be okay.

Add New Comment:


My Choice

From day one of discovery I knew I had the power to choose my path following my husband's affair. I have only spoken to 2 people about this situation. One thought I should leave and the other supported whatever decision I made. I refused to leave my house. I knew I had the power to stay or have him leave. It's MY decision. I am now 3 months out from Day of Discovery and am so happy I did not do something rash. I stayed. We talked. Our marriage has become stronger. Looking forward to a long life together.

Thank you for saying what I

Thank you for saying what I feel

I love this sentence "I was

I love this sentence "I was going to be okay no matter what I chose.".

A choice is not so easy here

Well I understand that I have the power to choose but my problem is that my wife is still in her affair with the married father of my youngest daughter's friend. Still sneaking around and hiding their rendevouz. Still denying she's having an affair to me and others.

She has left the house, taken the kids, and has told me it's over and filed for divorce.

So the struggle of my choices in my head. My only real choice at this point is whether I'm going to go forward or remain stuck and crying for days on end. My problem is that I have obsessive thoughts about how I will handle her coming back to me but I fall apart when I think that she won't be coming back. I fall apart when I think she will never come to a place where God breaks her and she is humbled, I fall apart when I think she is happier without me. I fall apart when I think that she prefers him sexually and that I won't measure up to his sexual performance.
So my choice really isn't about whether I want to pursue the relationship or not -
at least at this point - it's about whether I want to pursue life or not. Unfortunately with my lower self-esteem I feel bound by what I think her cheating says about me and I crumble. Even though I tell myself that whether she sleeps with me, with him, or with a 100 men, none of these situations is a statement about my worth but rather it's a statement about her. About her integrity. About her character. About her emotional shortcomings. But no matter how good this sounds, when I'm in the midst of despair these offer little consolation.

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