Sexual Humiliation

Was he a better lover? Was he better endowed? Am I weak or too feminine? Why did she do ......with him that she never did with me? Maybe if I was a better lover she wouldn’t have cheated. How could she not have used a condom?

These painful, humiliating and embarrassing questions and thoughts running through the minds of husbands whose wives are involved with sexual affairs with another man or men strike at the very core of our being. I remember the pain I felt when I found out my wife had done sexual things with her affair partner she had refused to do with me.

Statistics have shown that most women involved in sexual affairs give sex in return for emotional connection. Most men involved with sexual affairs give emotional connection in return for sex. It has to do with the way men and women are wired. Men are more sexually focused while women are more emotionally focused. In fact most women who recover from the sexual affair will admit that the sex was awful or humiliating. They felt they had to give the sex in order to keep the man interested or involved. Unfortunately the sleaze ball man will use the affair insanity to take advantage of the women’s perceived emotional needs.

If you are a man and struggling with these issues please know that you are not alone and that this has nothing at all to do with you or your sexuality. This is not the woman you married. Some people liken it to an alien that had taken over the person involved with the affair. They will do the craziest, hurtful, unhealthy things while in the grips of the powerful addiction.

There is recovery possible from these issues. Don’t let them eat you from the inside out. Don’t let them change the way you treat women or your view of women in general. There is help out there.

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Lost and Confused

She is back home but changed and won't admit it. Any intimacy with me is out of the question beccause she wants it with no one. But she did not get that way until after the AP broke up with her. After 2 years I barely get a kiss after a date.

HI DE, How long has it been

HI DE, How long has it been since the affair was discovered? What steps have been taken in recovery? Erick


I'm calling BS on this. Maybe for the majority, but not in our case. My wife was involved with a former BF from HS she reconnected with on FB. The affair lasted 2 1/2 years. Everything you describe is either true, or I've thought it. Was he better? Of course... in her own words the sex as "AWESOME". She disturbed the neighbours in their hotel with her sounds. She did things she would never do to me. She allowed things I was never allowed to do. AND... she still desires it. But not with me. After nearly a year, and EMS, Harboring Hope, Hope for Healing, Local Counseling.... etc. She still desires him. And what do we have for our (my efforts)? A relapse after 7 months and still no intimacy of physical contact... and no desire. But also no guts to call it over. Emasculated... Definitely. In her words... I was "Dehumanized". Where we go from here? Where do I go from here... I have no idea. As posted in another section I still trust God, but have no trust for her, or these programs from these "experts". They've helps us accomplish nothing. I hope others have a different outcome. Best wishes to all who are still fighting for what is RIGHT. MR

My husband had a sexual

My husband had a sexual affair with a younger woman but had several other "emotional relationships" (finally admitted) throughout the 36 yr. marriage.   Most likely sexual affairs, as he has no remorse, no guilt, just indifference.  Cheaters are just PLAIN SELFISH PEOPLE.  No regard for others and do not care about anyone or anything. 

There is NO EXCUSE for emotional or physical affairs.  Plain and simple, these people project blame, lack self esteem, have no self respect, and DO NOT know the meaning of commitment, love, or value the covenant of marriage.

Only men humiliated!! WRONG!!

I was betrayed by my husband of 12 years. D-day was 1.5 years ago. He had an emotional and sexual affair with a girl ( as i call her) who was 15 years younger. He was 34 when it started. You do the math. I was and still am completely humiliated! Why in the world would anyone think it wouldn't effect a woman in the same manner? She was MUCH younger, thinner (I'm only 120lbs), nice boobs and didn't have the stretch marks from birthing and nursing a set of twins then a singleton. The same things go through a woman's mind: was it the firm boobs, the tight ______, was she better at ______, did she please you more, did you get more excited, you never lasted that long with me, you didn't want it every day with me? Then when you hear "she didn't know what to do and just laid there not moving and never had an orgasm" what am I to think? That only makes it more confusing and more questions. These still go through my mind 1.5 years later. I don't think they will ever truly go away for good. We are still together and have a much better marriage however I want nothing to do with him sexually. I enjoy cuddling and hugs but that's it. I'm back in counselouing for this. Anyways an affair is humiliating on many levels. No mater the sex. Having the AP be younger and involved with your kids only adds to it.

Hello J, Thank you for

Hello J, Thank you for posting here. You are absolutely right. Sexual Humiliation hits both sexes as the betrayed party. Me being a man try to write from the male perspective because I won't presume to know how this affects women. Thats why I'm so happy to see you adding the female perspective. Thank you again J

Females are humiliated too!

I know this article was written to men, but just wanted to point out that wives can be sexually humiliated as well...especially when their husbands choose a younger, fitter woman for their affair. He tells me the emotional part was more important to him, but the facts are that the EA was quite short-lived, and the physical thing went on for many months. I am a woman, and an affair victim, and have had many of the same thoughts you mentioned. I might be wrong, but had this only been an emotional affair, I think I could've had an easier recovery. Who knows, I may never recover.

Emotional affairs coupled

Emotional affairs coupled with the physical are very hard. I am going through the recovery process now. ALthough I am not sure I am recovered what ever that means. I dont think it would be easier for emotional affairs because he is sharing intimate details with her and bad mouthing you. totally humiliating. I had my husband doing both sexually and Emotionally. Especially when you find the letters that substanciate it He cant deny it. If you and he both want it to work out God if you are religious. People who go to regular therapists who have these problems, 82% get divorced...just saying

Hi Erick, I once read that

Hi Erick, I once read that the one who has an affair is often not GIVING what they need to in their marriage. It doesn't mean your wife wasn't GETTING what she needed from you, at least not initially. I know, it seems like irony. I was cheated on as well, after 18 years together. I, however, had been unhappy in our relationship for a number of years, but my husband insisted everything was "normal." All couples fight, and the fact that I thought it was too much didn't matter. My pleas for counseling were minimized. He had never cheated before, but then a "friend" from work became friendlier, and friendlier. He wasn't getting his needs met at home at that point, but mine hadn't been getting met for quite a long time prior.His invalidation of my feelings on it led me to shut down. So, I hope you are not feeling emasculated by your wife's affair. It may be that your needs were not being met initially. She may have gotten sucked into "the fog" before she could fully realize or accept that.

The other woman

I read this post and found it helpful. I am the other woman, met him on Craigslist and wanted to have an affair becuse my very angry and abusive husband hasn't touched me in 3 years. He is in the military and currently overseas.

So I did it out of lonliness, revenge an also this basic need to be touched, caressed, held and wanted.

The effects of this 2.5 month affair have been devastating on my self esteem and emotional well being. He was callous, harsh, greedy and selfish. After initially hooking me with lots of sweet talk, something I craved, it stopped.

He had a bucket list of sexual acts he wanted to experience and I complied with several of them except for the 3 way and another act. He put serious pressure on me to find the 2nd girl. Also no matter how nice I was, he was progressively colder as time wore on. It was degrading and humiliating.
I broke it off via email last Friday. Listing the reasons. Whenever I timidly expressed a need, he'd call me needy, complicated and crazy. My husband doesn't know, and only a few friends know about it, and they all told me that if I wasn't getting my needs met, to dump him.

Amazing how quickly he went from charming to abusive, he gave m a UTI and bladder infection because he wouldnt wash his hands. Refused to. That did it, I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. Never replied, I am better off that way. And yet still, stupidly I hurt, I miss him or my projected fantasy of him. I hurt.



Hello and welcome. I am happy

Hello and welcome. I am happy to hear you have stopped the affair. Now the recovery and healing can start. I hope and pray you keep working towards recovery and healing. Affair Recovery (this site) is a great place to start. Don't let the shame or guilt stop you. Unfortunately a lot of the males out there looking for affairs with married women are predators (as you found out). It takes a real scumbag to hit on a married woman. I understand the problems in your marriage but please remember that there are lots of couples with serious marriage problems. Most of them do not choose to have an affair. One of the first steps of recovery is recognizing truly what had happened. I hope you sign up here and get some assistance with your recovery. No judgments here. Only grace a recovery. Erick

The Affair Saved My Marriage

I had an affair when I reconnected with a childhood friend I hadn't seen in 20 odd years. We reconnected via Facebook. He was suffering from verbal abuse and disrespect from his partner (according to him). I was suffering from loneliness, feelings of being unwanted, unloved, unimportant, not special. My husband never made an effort to talk to me, touch me, hold me, nothing. I was in a marriage with someone who was a flatmate - we came home to the same house and shared the bills. But the affair only lasted for less than 3 months. He decided to make it work with his abusive partner and I decided to try with my husband. During that time, my husband realized he was losing me because of emotional and physical neglect, he realized he wanted me to stay and promised to change. There were so many times we cried for hours and prayed and fought and argued and cried... and kept on focusing on changing ...making things better... today, our marriage is different - it has taken a 360 degree turnaround and we are happy and very much in love. We are glad we didn't give up on each other. I am glad he didn't give up on me when I fell for my childhood friend. It was a mistake and I have and still do things to atone for my mistake... but we learned and my husband never takes me for granted anymore. I stopped communicating with the other man and he has no way of contacting me at all. We changed all our contact details. The man lives in another country. I also got out of all social networking sites to show my husband I mean it - having seen the changes in his behaviour, I, too, will dedicate my attention and my feelings only to him. We came out of that STORM that was supposed to tear us apart... much stronger and better. Some people say - TRUST can never be rebuilt. I simply do not believe that. Each person is different. I have never cheated on my husband prior to that incident and will never go down that track again. It was a one-off mistake that resulted to monumental changes in our marriage... a catalyst for all the positive changes that we are experiencing now. I DO NOT ESPOUSE CHEATING (OBVIOUSLY) BUT... this is how it happened for us, this lead to all the changes afterwards... sometimes, it is good to give second chances. Sometimes, there is no other choice but to let go. I hate it when hypocrites judge cheaters and put all the blame on them. I am a decent God-loving, peace-loving person - I am giving and generous to a fault. But all the neglect that went on for years drove me to an emotional attachment with my childhood friend who had words of support and kindness and made me feel special and important. It was THAT breather that kept me alive during my darkest hours. No excuses - I know it was still a mistake... but the difference as to why our marriage is stronger now and happier is because instead of blaming me for everything, my husband owned up to his mistakes, too....and made some changes upon himself. It worked because we are still together until now. And the resentment is gone. We are happy and it feels like we've only just got married for the first time. Marriage is a work-in-progress. When cheating happens, I urge people to stop blaming the 'cheating partner' and really evaluate their behaviour and attitudes, too. Cheating is often a result of unmet needs or abuse from the other partner... the WORK in order to save the marriage has to be done by both parties ... perpetual blaming and pointing fingers do not yield positive outcomes. It only aggravates the problem and hastens the separation process. Put your EGO aside, be humble, be forgiving and be willing to change. If the other party is genuinely sorry, trust can be rebuilt again... the saying once trust is gone it can never be regained is NOT TRUE. If it were, if second chances were not meant to be - - - then, God wouldn't have said forgive seventy times seven in the Bible. People make mistakes, we are all human. If we expect to be forgiven by God for our inequities, so should we have the heart and the willingness to forgive, to show mercy and not be hypocrites and not be quick to judge.

Sounds like you still have a

Sounds like you still have a lot of shame over what you did by how defensive you are of hypothetical haters and seem to place all the blame at your husbands feet. Lots of people feel unappreciated and unloved, but they don’t cheat on their spouse. My husband felt this way about me and cheated on me, after years of me asking him why he was unhappy and if we could get help and do better and receiving no answer in return. I had to walk in on him having sex with another woman to finally get some answers. Now he’s sorry, now he’s willing to change and to see it isn’t all my fault. Yay(sarcasm)

The humiliation of my wife;s affair

The initial discovery of my wife's affair was a body blow to me but the knowledge that it was common knowledge to many of our closest friends and her family was a twist of the knife. It is beyond belief that people I loved and cared for knew about my wife's affair and never told me about it. The affair has been going on for over 3 years so for all that time these people have socialised and interacted with me without saying a single thing. The only thing I can gain any comfort from is that a few friends broke contact with my wife and me because they thought what she was doing was wrong, did not want to tell me anything though as my wife had begged them to stay silent to avoid hurt to me, not sure if this was good or bad to be honest. I consider these people who knew about the affair and said nothing to be 'partners in crime'

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