Unrealistic Expectations

Three months later my wife had a change of heart and decided to give it one chance at reconciliation. We attended EMS Weekend and my wife was involved in Affair Recovery Counseling. I also participated in the Affair Recovery Harboring Hope program. Slowly, over time, things turned around.

Today, three years later, I am faced with the reality of what “recovery” looks like. It’s not exactly what I had expected. I expected my wife to turn into a perfect wife and for us to have a perfect marriage. I expected all the triggers and scars to fade to nothing. I expected my wife to crawl on her knees begging me for forgiveness. I expected the affair partner to apologize for the destruction he helped cause. I expected all our family and friends to rally around us. None of these have happened.

I have finally accepted the fact that some of my expectations are unrealistic. We live in a fallen world and we deal with fallen people. How can I expect others to live up to a standard that even I can’t achieve?

When I was finally able to see through the “fantasy” recovery I created, I was able to start loving my wife for who she is instead of who I wanted her to be.

I know one day in the future I will hurt my wife again in some way. I know one day she will again hurt me in some way. I know that we will never have a “perfect” marriage. I know that we will never solve all the problems. That’s okay. That’s normal. Today I can honestly say our marriage has been restored and we both have grown stronger and healthier.

We will deal with the struggles and challenges as they come. With God’s help, we will succeed.

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Erick, I feel I have expectations which are to high which in reality I know are not. I just want to go to the movies or go to dinner with my husband. I feel these are small things to ask but they never happen. I am the betrayed as well and I have never felt a pain like this in my life. I am waiting for the EMSOnline program to begin in January. From all I have read all the programs work. I am really looking forward to this much needed help. As for my expectations, I would also like us to go on little day trips or some where for a weekend. Not anywhere lavish, just to get away. I know our finances are tight as are most Americans today but, I don't want my marriage to suffer because of this. My husband continues to tell me how much he loves me, how he can't spend his life with out me, and how he would miss me in his life. The thing is he is doing nothing to prove this to me. My expectation is call, text, email, or stop by to prove your love for me. Show me how you feel. Ask me to breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I don't think these expectations are to high. However, I am beginning to wonder. I love my husband and I am now beginning to question why?? Since he continues to treat me this way is he really going to change like he says he is? I don't know and I have expectations for our healing as well. One is for him to never have another affair and the other is for him to never lie to me again. And one other one is for me never to worry did he come back because he loves me or was there another reason? I don't want to worry he will always be thinking of her in the back of his mind. I want to know he will let his feelings for her go. I have expectations too.....I just don't want to get hurt again. I don't know if I want him back now or not. Only with Gods help will I know what to do. I hope you and your wife are doing well. God Bless you both. Susan

Dear Erick,Bless you with

Dear Erick,

Bless you with happiness for all the strength you have shown to recover your marriage.

I look to you for guidance. I am the wife who got into txting a guy from work. met him twice for Coffee. It lasted about 5 mths until my husband discovered it. The txt used to give me a boost. there was nothing sexual in the txts at all. have a great husband of 15 yrs. two wonderful boys. Have completely broken of contact with the third party- abruptly and am actually relieved it's over. we are trying to reconnect on our own. he doesn't want to talk to ANYBODY (its been 8 mths now). have bouts of great deep connection ..have always have great sex which has intensified now. I am extremely remorseful for the betrayal and my deception and am patiently working alongside his emotional turmoil. but i don't know how to reach out to him when he goes into a depressive state then anger and noncommunicable. i urge him to talk so we can thrash it out and make progress. It drains me and i am unable to even focus on daily chores when these stages come. please help me to understand how to  reach out to him. what should i say or do?  i love him very much.


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