Great article this week Rick. Right on time as usual. It is so wonderful and helpful in our recovery the way the right article comes just as we are dealing with those very issues. It helps me to feel we are continuing on in the right way in our recovery and what I am feeling and experiencing are valid as well as how it helps me to understand what my husband as the betrayer is feeling as well. Thank you, this article was extremely helpful and encouraging to me.

This is a great article. My husband believes the way for me to trust him again is for him began to do the things he did and used as tools to betray me. Let me give you examples. He played basketball three days a week on the way there and back the time was used to talk to his affair partner. He worked out 4 days a week and that time was used for the same purpose. He said the only way I am going to get past it is for him to get back to his life. He has learned his lesson and and now he is starting to feel like nothing he does is good enough for me.
I found out about the affair May 13, 2011and lies were still coming out about it in 2013. He doesn't understand that each time I began to heal and something new was disclosed,any work in the trust depart was damage and delayed.
I just feel like not only are we not on the same page when it comes to trust. I don't even think we are reading from the same book . It seems all he really wants is to get back to his life not the marriage. He says he wants this marriage but from where I am sitting all I can see is a person who only thinks about what is best for him. Thank you for listening.

A great article. I wish my spouse would read it to understand why I don't believe a word he says and don't trust him any farther than I can spit a watermelon seed (not far, I'm not a good spitter). He waited almost a year after Dday before he made any real effort to seek help, and even though he states his good intentions, I have yet to see them come to fruition. They are just words to me, nothing more.18 months now past Dday and I do not know any more now than I knew back then because he refuses to talk about it or answer all my questions as deeply as I need. I have no idea if he has even closed the door on their relationship or not. It's all at work (she's his "office spouse") and I cannot monitor his phone or emails or actions while he is there. I have no access to his work related technology. He says he has not talked to or texted her for 17 months, other than work related, and that he tries to avoid her. I don't believe him because he has done nothing to prove it and I have seen nothing to prove it, no transparency. To be fair, he is now stating how much he loves me, misses me,wants me home, sending flowers and cards, and trying to reconnect by asking me to go on dates, etc. He wants me to just let all this go and move on together and have a good future. And I have tried to reconnect by going on these dates, but unfortunately, until I know for sure she is out of the picture, SHE will always be on the date with us....the "elephant on the date" so to speak. His intentions may be good in his own mind, but until I have proof in the form of TRUTH (a polygraph now since it's been so long and he has lied so much) and in his actions (NO abuse of any sort and zero contact with the elephant lady), I cannot give much credit to the positives he is showing. I know I am being extremely, and probably excessively, cautious, but this was the second time - same woman. The attachment will always be there. I don't want to be played the fool for a third time. I am already embarrassed and angry at myself that I was fooled twice. Trust and true forgiveness will be a long time coming for us this time, unfortunately. I am afraid that I will be forever hyper-vigilant. The damage in me is pretty much irreparable, but I am hoping that by placing it in God's hands, I can go on to live an extraordinary life of meaning and purpose -- with or without him. Thanks for the article..

you are brilliant, rick
so brilliant, helpful, and soooooo insightful!!!

Great article, describes us to a T, describes the terrible blow ups that go on still. Especially felt I understood the comments as they could have been my own!

Four years ago I discovered my husband's infidelity but it took almost 6 months for it to be totally ended. She still emails from time to time but he refuses to answer her. At the time of our counseling, he was instructed to get rid of anything relating to her. Just yesterday I again found a blown up photo of them enclosed in plastic in his work files. Also, when I found out I asked him to tell me EVERYTHING. He not only did not do this but secretly kept in touch with her. He has done a lot to make a new marriage, but when he gets angry he tells me that I am evil and will never let him be trusted and that everything in our life is his fault. That I want him dead. He is screaming this. Our counselor believes he has a dissociation disorder but that can't excuse what is happening. Each time I begin to give trust, something happens to break it.

Thanks for this article. The article is spot on from my point of view (Betrayed) and is very timely. This helps me understand our situation and things we argue about. Thanks again.

How I have struggled with trusting my husband again. Affair was in 2012...confession in early July and my discovery of its continuation was a month later. I - like most other betrayed spouses - never thought him capable of such cruelty. Since Dday 2 - he is a different man - better than than he ever was - even pre-affair. He is completely transparent - and has let go of the outcomes - very honest. But I have nagging doubts - how do I know - maybe he's become more clever, more deceptive - smarter at cheating. What I've decided is that I can only trust ME. I trust that should he ever walk that path again - that I WILL survive - I will be okay. I will be devastated, I will feel the soul-crushing pain that infidelity brings...but I will eventually heal without him and come through the pain the strong determined woman I am. That is what I put my trust in - that is what I can take to the bank. I have no control over his choices and his coping mechanisms but I can control mine. I believe in the man he has become and love him more than I did on our wedding day...but if I'm wrong...I'll be okay.

Last week I was asking my husband about a meeting he had at work. Since I have access to all of his work email accounts I knew that there were 6 people who were invited to this meeting. When he came home he said that four of the people had "called in" to the meeting so it was just him and a woman named "Leslie" in his office. I LOST it. One of our agreements is that he will not have meetings, go to lunch, travel with, etc....with just one person, there must always be a third (or more) person present if the second person is a woman. Midway through my rant he said "I can never do anything right in your eyes".

I think that is probably true. His intentions are always right, but I see them with the giant "but" at the end. Yes, he scheduled the meeting the way we agreed, but he failed to make sure our agreement was kept. I told him that no matter what he does for now it will be overshadowed by the giant "but" of his affair. He took that "but" and made an analogy that his affair is like a giant butt and when you decide that you need to lose that extra weight you exercise and work as hard as you can to make the butt smaller. He said that no matter how many time I see the "but" in his actions he will work harder to make sure that it gets smaller over time. He does realize that his words are simply meaningless to me and his actions are all that I see and how I evaluate his regaining my trust over time.

Outstanding article. It really helps me with my perspective about where my wife and I are in our recovery work right now. Thank you!

AMAZING!!! Rick, you could have just inserted my husband's name in your essay and it would reflect our life at this moment.

Several days ago, we had an identical incident where he did insult me just like in your story. We were BOTH right. He has yet to see that he insulted me, unlike you learned/understood.

Thank you for your ministry, which it truly is. It provides such great perspective in small bites that are easy to digest.

Blessings to each of you at AR! You truly are a blessing to me.

Rick - thank you for the article. I am having a difficult time due to omissions and lies during our recovery period - 5 mos since D Day. Every time I feel strength, especially towards trust - I am hit with a lie. They have been about the affair and the most devastating was about an issue post affair. I feel like I step so far back with each. I have the need to move on with and only with honesty. This has been the biggest hurdle for my husband. His states that his motivation is not to hurt us anymore. How can I get him to understand that it is the lies that hurt the most.

I am the wandering spouse. I have just completed Hope For Healing about 2 weeks back and here I am thinking i was making progress. Little did i know my spouse shared my belief. She was hurting still, and we would argue late into the night because each of believed we were right. The only difference is that i was doing all actions but no speaking. My spouse wanted me to talk about my feelings and struggles rather than receiving the things i did for her. Its so hard to be in this place. Sometimes i feel like im just going back to square one every few months.