The Mystery of Change Continue Your Healing With EMS Online! Registration Opens Soon. Our Emergency Marital Seminar Online, better known as EMSO, isn't a one-size-fits-all program for couples. Over decades of experience exclusively in the field of infidelity, our methodology has been honed to better serve couples as they address the betrayal, reconnect as partners and restore their lives. Spots fill up quickly, so you won't want to wait to register for EMSO! To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Our mission at Affair Recovery is to help those impacted by infidelity find extraordinary lives of meaning and purpose. For us, the end goal isn't just to recover from betrayal but to use betrayal as a catalyst for transformation and change. To that end, I hope to provide a bit of a road map as to how transformation can actually occur. I want to acknowledge upfront that many of these concepts of transition are taken from William Bridges' book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes.1* If you resonate with these concepts, you may wish to read his book as well. I'm sure most of you have heard this ancient riddle: What animal walks on four feet in the morning, two feet at noon, and three feet in the evening, yet has only one voice? —The answer is the human being because we crawl as babies, walk on our own during most of life, and need a cane in old age! But perhaps, like me, you never considered the psychological implications of these life stages or what happens when we experience trauma or unwanted change due to betrayal. Life = Transitions Life is full of transitions. The image of three legs, for example, represents more than physical limitations that come with using a cane in our old age. It also represents a cluster of changes that includes suffering, deepened insight, and disengagement from an outlived way of doing and being. Betrayal forces change. We need help. Few of us know what to do with the change, especially when that change is facilitated by one of the most gut-wrenching, life-altering events known to life and marriage. Most of us hope that change will somehow pass us by and let us proceed with our familiar life, but none are that fortunate. Infidelity isn't the only change agent that rocks our lives, though it may be one of the most significant. As humans, we also have to deal with illness, job loss, death, moving, aging, and all of life's stages. While all of the above create losses to be dealt with, they may or may not result in self-renewal or relational growth. Whether we like it or not, change is an inescapable part of life, and it is good for us to learn how to use it productively, even in the case of marital betrayal or addiction. Transforming loss, created by change, is the process of transition. Sadly, most of us are woefully uninformed when it comes to the process of productively navigating transition. According to Bridges, transitions have three components: an ending, a neutral zone, and a beginning. It's an Internal Matter In the Christian tradition, for example, that same process is called death, burial, and resurrection (born again or rebirth). It is the process of letting go. We may need to let go of our way of doing things or the opinion of ourselves or another. It could be that we need to let go of some outlook on the world or attitude toward others. While change or loss may precipitate transition and transformation, transition is not about external change. It's an internal matter, which transforms our understanding of ourselves and life itself. It's a normal process we all face at various life stages; it is also an opportunity for growth when life is interrupted. It's the process where we move from disorientation to reorientation, and for many of us, it has taken infidelity to instigate that process. It sounds impossible to those going through the beginning stages, but my own marriage and countless others are living proof that infidelity can be the catalyst that completely transforms your marriage and life in the most incredible way. Transition and change are NOT synonymous. "One of the most important differences between a change and a transition is that changes are driven to reach a goal, but transitions start with letting go of what no longer fits or is adequate to the life stage you are in." William Bridges Initially, the overwhelming changes created by infidelity render most people incapable of comprehending the potential transition. They struggle with simply surviving what seems like an incomprehensible and impossible situation. Eventually, they're able to begin wrestling with endings and the required transition to a new beginning. It's grief over time that reconciles us to the losses and allows us to get our mind around what has happened so that we can survive—and eventually thrive! How Do You Manage the Grief? Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified 5 stages of grief: Shock and Denial Anger Depression and Detachment Dialogue and Bargaining, and Acceptance2 Most people can't begin the process of transition until they have, at least partially, moved though the stages of shock, anger, and depression. In the case of infidelity, this stage can be explosive, overwhelming, and exasperating. It's not until someone enters the dialogue and bargaining stage that the process of transition can begin and new alternatives can be considered. Keep in mind, the path through grief isn't necessarily linear; people may move back and forth between the different stages. Two steps forward and one step back during this period of grief is completely normal. 2 Infidelity creates a number of losses and therefore, endings. For many, it's the end of the marriage as they once saw it. It can even be the end of the how they view themselves. Endings are similar to dying in that it is the recognition and acceptance of these endings that begins the process of transition. It is accepting the loss or change and also letting go of our old ways of understanding. It may be letting go of part of what we once believed to be true about life or self or our spouse. It's a willingness to let go of our dreams of life as we once saw it and understand that those dreams are now gone. It's only when our dreams shatter that we feel free to believe we can live for greater dreams. The Neutral Zone: No More... But Not Yet The second stage of transition is the neutral zone. It's that place of "no more" and "not yet." Recently, I spoke to a woman in the neutral zone. Her husband had been in and out of an affair for the past three years. With his last relapse, she finally gave up control of her marriage of 27 years. She had been considering the ending for months, and she realized that her old ways of looking at this no longer served a purpose. For her, it was time to let go. Her tears had been shed, and she had gracefully reached a place of acceptance. For a long time, she wasn't sure whether or not her marriage would survive. She wanted it to survive. But now, that was no longer the point. In the process of transition, she had let go and no longer expected (or needed) what was once important. However, as we continued to speak, she described herself as being void of emotion, like she was empty. She wasn't depressed or discouraged, she just wasn't sure what was next. That's a great description of what happens in the neutral zone. It is a place of regrouping and rest. All too often, we want to rush the process of the neutral zone. We're uncomfortable with the feeling of emptiness. We feel people will think it's strange we want to be alone to walk and think. The truth is that it can be very difficult to verbalize the process you've been through or what you're thinking about. In the neutral zone, we accept where we're at and begin to feel okay with that. It's a time of waiting for what's to come and feeling at peace with not knowing all the details. It's a place of being quiet and still, waiting for what will come next. A New Beginning This leads to the final stage of a new beginning. In the process of transition, we don't come to the beginning until we have reached the end. Not until old ways of thinking and coping are abandoned can new possibilities come into awareness. Once we release our dreams of how life ought to be, we're free to take stock of what we've got, and we're able to create new ways and a new life. One of the definitions of forgiveness that we use at Affair Recovery is, "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of ever having a better past." By that, we mean it's a willingness to let go of the old and make way for the new. You can't put new wine into old wineskins, rather new wine requires new wineskins. It's the letting go of the old that makes way for the new. Often, the first hint of what is to come next appears as a subtle idea, an impression, or an image. From there, new passions and desires begin to grow as we follow new dreams and visions. Life's transitions are a requirement if we are to let go–and grow. While we may not be too keen on the circumstances requiring the transition, we all have to choose how we're going to respond and adapt to life's tragedies. Do we remain forever marred by the betrayal or our own bad choices, or do we use those circumstances to take us to a higher plane? It is our choice. It's not about having the right circumstances; it's about taking the right steps. Few things are more difficult to face than betrayal, but at the same time, we get to choose how we respond. ***Disclaimer: Let me stress this may not be applicable for those in the early stages of recovery. As long as the change created by the infidelity seems incomprehensible, there is little hope of transition or transformation. You're still in the early stages of grieving and may not have yet arrived in a place of acceptance where you can explore the end and the possibility of a new beginning. Be patient. This may be exactly where you need to be. Grieving takes time, and the amount of time depends on the person and their unique situation. Continue Your Healing With EMS Online! Registration Opens Soon. Our Emergency Marital Seminar Online, better known as EMSO, isn't a one-size-fits-all program for couples. Over decades of experience exclusively in the field of infidelity, our methodology has been honed to better serve couples as they address the betrayal, reconnect as partners and restore their lives. "I would like to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your ministry and the materials you have provided as part of EMSO and Married for Life. We, all five couples that started EMSO, have just completed the Married for Life 52-week course. We are now deciding what to study next as a group, as we so value the relationship we have together as couples. With God, with your materials and with each other, we have saved our marriages." - B. Minnesota | EMSO participant, March 2021. Spots fill up quickly, so you won't want to wait to register for EMSO! To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! *Note: We hope you find these resources helpful. If you decide to purchase a book using a link on this page, Affair Recovery may collect a share of the sales or other compensation. Bridges, William. Transitions: Making Sense Of Life's Changes. Cambridge: Da Capo Press, 2004. Print. Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth. On Death and Dying. New York: Touchstone, 1969. Print. 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