Anger: Its 6 Roots Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Space Is Limited! Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. "I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. I found Affair Recovery when I was at the darkest point in my life, and this course has helped me to get myself on a true path to recovery." - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! It seems to me that much is written about managing anger, but not as much about the roots of our anger. If there is a universal emotion that we see as therapists when infidelity has been exposed, it's definitely anger. Whether it's anger at their spouse, themselves, or the whole world, anger is a very common part of disclosure. If reconciliation is going to happen, the anger has to be addressed. Many times, I have to help spouses realize that if they didn't care, they wouldn't be angry about it. You are angry because your heart is broken. Anger is generally a secondary emotion caused by other feelings. Now, there are exceptions, and not all anger is negative. In my opinion, anger only goes negative when it becomes destructive in your life or in the lives of others. There are certainly ways to manage anger to keep it from being destructive, but no one can argue that eliminating the root of anger is a better way to take care of the problem. As Michael Wells of Abiding Life Ministries says, "Don't sweep the cobwebs, kill the spider." The following is a short list of the roots of anger I see most often when treating infidelity. Resentment The inability (or perhaps unwillingness) to let go of resentment has many ramifications. If the resentment isn't eventually released, it will result in anger and oftentimes, the creation of one's very own victim card. It's difficult to let go of resentments, but doing so is a gift you give yourself. It has little to do with the other person, actually. Please don't think that forgiving a wrong perpetrated against you is the same as condoning the hurtful actions. Rather, resentment prolongs the harm perpetrated by the other person. Resentment gives power to the one who hurt us in the first place. In short, it keeps the hurt alive. The resulting anger robs you of your peace and ability to gain traction in your own recovery. This foreboding anger can also delay healing in your spouse's recovery. In the short term, it's expected that anger will not only be present, but it will be off the charts. However, as you move towards finding help, healing, and the possibility of restoration, the anger must be diffused. Remember, forgiveness is not about reconciliation; it's an act of self-liberation that frees you from being a prisoner of the past and allows you to live in peace with your past, present, and future. Soul Wounds Soul wounds are another significant source of anger. Our past is littered with occurrences where the very essence of our identity was wounded and possibly forever altered. It's also where we began to believe lies about our core identity. The memories where these lies are anchored can hold significant amounts of anger and pain. When similar circumstances occur in the present, the old wounds resurface and old emotions echo from the past, influencing how we feel in the present. These wounds can be a significant source of anger and can cause our emotional responses to be exaggerated. "Pain that is not transformed will eventually be transmitted." - Richard Rohr When a hidden pain is triggered, we can have a $500 response to a $5 incident. If you find you tend to overreact to circumstances, then it might be worthwhile to seek professional help to determine if there is a past wound affecting your ability to have peace in the moment. Guilt It may sound strange, but guilt is also a source of anger. I don't know about you, but each time I get caught for speeding, I get mad. It's not that I'm not guilty, it's the fact that my first response to guilt is anger. I hate it when I'm called to account for my bad actions. In fact, many of us will use anger as a way to push away our guilt and shame. Our defensiveness and anger are often a measure of the guilt we feel internally—with no idea how to remedy. I can't tell you how often unfaithful spouses deal with this paradox and feel powerless to remedy the situation due to anger caused by guilt. If you find yourself dealing with anger, make a personal inventory of your own areas of failure to see if your anger bubbles to the surface so you can avoid taking responsibility for your own actions. Inferiority We have a strange way of giving others power over our life. If we feel we are being disrespected or feel inferior to another, anger is a common response. We hate it when others fail to value or affirm us. Why do you think we get so mad so quickly when someone cuts us off while driving? Or, my favorite, is how quickly we get upset when someone interrupts us while speaking. These actions send the message that we are "less than," and that the other person has more important places to be or things to say. When we feel undervalued, it triggers a response in us to place all the blame on the other party. Let me ask you, who is giving the other person the power to decide how much value I hold? I am. Once we realize that our value doesn't change based on individual interactions, we will be much freer to love—even those who may disrespect us. Fear There are times when fear is at the root of anger. Our "fight-or-flight" response is a God-given mechanism intended for self-protection. In a moment of danger, we will frequently utilize anger as a method of self-protection. Don't misunderstand. There are times to honor your fear, and there are circumstances where it is simply not safe. However, not all fear is justified and at times, anger blinds us to its root cause. Ask yourself Why am I angry? and then explore whether the root cause is fear. You'll find it's far more productive to deal with your fear than it is to deal with anger. If fear is the root, then focus on how to increase safety. Righteous Indignation I saved the best for last. At times, anger is justified. When a wrong is done and needs to be corrected, anger serves an intended purpose of protection. Even in infidelity, however, it's important to manage anger. If you believe in the concept of love, then it's important to maintain love within your expression of your anger. Note, we are not talking about cases of abuse here. While angry, it is still possible to speak the truth in love. It's OK to right a wrong but be sure to stay within the bounds of love as you follow your quest. I hope and pray your search for the roots of anger will result in a newfound peace for yourself and for those you love. A great place to uncover your anger roots, reasons behind the infidelity, and to gain momentum in recovery is our Hope for Healing course. It's a safe place for those who have been wayward to process the infidelity while becoming the best version of yourself. If you have been betrayed, look to our Harboring Hope course and subscribe to be notified when the next registration opens. Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Space Is Limited! Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. "I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. I found Affair Recovery when I was at the darkest point in my life, and this course has helped me to get myself on a true path to recovery." - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Emotional RegulationFor The Hurt SpouseRL_Media Type: Text
