Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Social Shame: Have You Been Dishonored?

Social Shame: A Four-Part Series

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Two Types of Shame

My hope with this four-part series on shame is that both betrayed and unfaithful spouses will begin to understand how the social dynamics of honor and shame significantly impact our responses to betrayal and our healing process. A question I have found to be not only defining for couples in crisis but instrumental to their recovery is: how do you go about regaining a sense of honor if you have dishonored yourself or have been dishonored in your marriage?

We talk a lot about how detrimental shame is to recovery, but what I've realized is there are two types of shame:

  1. The emotion of shame.
  2. The social dynamic of shame.

Type One: The Emotion of Shame

"Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."1
-Brene Brown

When I fail to fit in or meet expectations, if I don't accomplish my goals, or if I betray another person, I experience the emotional aspect of shame which leads me to believe I'm flawed and that there is something wrong with me. Emotional shame is about my personal identity and leads me to believe that I am bad rather than I have done something bad. It's obvious how a personal sense of shame can be generated by infidelity, but overcoming this type of shame is absolutely essential for healing.

"Individualism is the moral stance, political philosophy, ideology, or social outlook that emphasizes the moral worth of the individual. Individualists promote the exercise of one's goals and desires and so value independence and self-reliance and advocate that interests of the individual should achieve precedence over the state or a social group."2

In the paradigm of individualism, a person's worth is measured by performance and moral behavior. It is about guilt, innocence, and being true to myself regardless of pressure to conform to family or social groups. Through the lens of individualism, if we appear to do well in life, we view ourselves as successful and have a sense of pride. If we perform poorly, and if others (or that voice in my head) gives me messages that I'm a failure, then I may feel there's something wrong with me and experience shame.

Type Two: The Social Dynamic of Shame

"Honor is the good opinion of good people." Honor is "the worth or value of persons both in their eyes and in the eyes of their community. The critical item is the public nature of respect and reputation."3
-Seneca (a famous Roman philosopher)

In 2013, after the Boston Marathon bombing, reporters located the extremist perpetrators' uncle. On national TV, he denounced his nephews saying, "You put a shame on our entire family— the Tsarnaev family. And you put a shame on the entire Chechen ethnicity. . . Everyone now puts that shame on the entire ethnicity."4

Many of us in western culture have trouble identifying the second type of shame due to our focus on individualism. The interpersonal dynamics of honor and shame receive little press in our society, except when there is a case of honor violence, because western culture focuses on the individual rather than the group concept of honor and shame.

The Honor-Shame Dynamic in Moral Failure

The honor-shame dynamic has a relational orientation. Honor is about a person's social value or worth. Honor comes when those around you think well of you. Shame, on the other hand, comes from low public opinion. Public shame leaves you feeling disconnected from those that were once important to you. These dynamics function much like our credit score system, but our social rating system measures the value of one's reputation. Because honor and respect are given in the context of group identity, those associated with that individual or people unit (such as a sports team or company) are ascribed the same honor. The same holds true for shame.

In my opinion, I may be the luckiest guy in the world. My wife has been the driving force behind the creation of a library at the Del Valle correctional complex. Due to her tireless efforts, over 800 books a month are delivered to the inmates at our county jail. I clearly remember the day she realized that our county jail (the fifth-largest county jail in the state of Texas) didn't have a library. She said, "The people who have the means to do something about this don't have the passion, and the people who have the passion don't have the means. I've got both."
Since that time, my sweet wife has accomplished more as a volunteer than a full-time staff member could have ever done. In the process, she's received a significant amount of recognition and honor for her efforts. Her story is a great example of what is called achieved honor. The community has a great opinion of my wife. I happen to have the good fortune of being married to her. Just the fact that I'm her husband gives me ascribed honor. When I'm with her people say, "Aren't you Stephanie's husband?" and I'm given the same honor she's received in her efforts to help others.

You Probably Feel Dishonored

social shame have you been dishonored

Dishonor can work much the same way. In the same way that I was ascribed the honor Stephanie received for her efforts at the jail, decades ago she was ascribed the dishonor and shame I brought on us as a result of my infidelity. In the honor-shame dynamic, how does one restore honor if they've been dishonored? In some cultures, if a son or daughter dishonors the family by their actions, the only way to restore honor is to punish, kill, or disown the offender. In our culture, if someone dishonors you by being unfaithful, the cultural norm for restoring honor is to extricate yourself from the relationship. Sometimes, a betrayed spouse may forgive their mate but continue to shame their mate in an effort to restore their own personal honor.

Another example comes with a husband or wife who fails to "leave and cleave" in a marriage (meaning they fully leave their parents and cleave to their spouse). The spouse feels dishonored and not chosen. They experience a loss of status and may well feel the in-laws have something over them, leading to a loss of prestige and honor.

When we realize the implications of this social context of honor and shame in which another person can ascribe his or her dishonor to you, it's easy to see why so many betrayed spouses feel stuck. If they are committed to repairing the marriage, how are they to shake this feeling of shame when it is not inherently theirs but is applied to them by the actions of their spouse and by the opinions of others?

The same problem exists for the unfaithful spouse. How do you stand up and take ownership of your mistakes when you feel buried by shame because the public opinion is seemingly opposed to redemption?

Western culture's focus on individualism has not only constricted our ability to see the scope of the problem with shame, it has also limited the pathways back to a solid sense of worth and the rebuilding of reputation. Left to our own limited understanding of how to transform our sense of shame to one of honor, we may punish, abuse, or disown the person who dishonored us. Choosing to forgive and reconcile certainly doesn't guarantee the restoration of reputation and, in the short run, may result in a further drop on the social ranking scale, but the restoration of the marriage vastly outshines the costs.

The honor-shame dynamic plays a significant role in surviving infidelity but, unfortunately, this component has been missing in the recovery field as a whole. It's my goal over the next few weeks to begin to remedy that situation. In my opinion, just surviving infidelity isn't enough. I believe we want to once again feel good about ourselves personally as well as relationally.

Healing is attainable. I, as well as thousands of others, am living proof. I can promise you it won't come easy, but it can and will come if the right actions are taken to provide the opportunity for transformation. If you're serious about recovery, I'd like to invite you to join our free First Steps Bootcamp as a stabilizing protocol to implement over the next seven days. If you're the betrayed spouse and seeking to restore the honor you feel you have lost, I encourage you to sign up for Harboring Hope – registration opens soon.

Registration for Harboring Hope Opens Soon!

You don't have to do this alone. Our online course for betrayed spouses is life-changing, encouraging and full of hope.

"I just completed the Harboring Hope program. My husband was unfaithful to me emotionally, physically and sexually with a co-worker. What I wished I would've known is that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. People who refuse to forgive can never live their own lives, they are too busy obsessing about the life of the one who hurt them. They are stuck. They are unable to enjoy friends, family or even their children. They imprison themselves in a bondage of their own making. I definitely recommend the Harboring Hope program as a support for healing. To be in a safe community with other women who know what you're going through and how you're feeling is comforting. Whether you're able to reconcile or not, there is hope." — M., Michigan | HH Participant, April 2021.

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Interestingly enough, this is a major component in affecting my desire to reconcile. My human nature/sin nature has a source of pride that makes me ask myself why I would want to be publicly associated with someone who would so publicly dishonor me. It feels as if I have diminished value. I know that these are not truths, and I know intellectually that society does not dictate my true value. I know that God holds me in a position of high esteem, and that this is where I am to gain my identity.

That being said, I have a desire for my husband to restore me. To publicly put me in a place of honor. To re-ask me to marry him, and to place a new ring on my finger, representing a new marriage. I desire that he speak of me with pride, because the very act of having a public affair seems to indicate that I was not good enough as a wife. I want to reclaim every physical location where my value was diminished as he publicly met with another woman. This desire for restoration in that role is one of the most prominent that I have at this stage of recovery.


Tara, you words spoke what I feel in my heart and have not been able to express. My husband dishonored me so publicly and shamelessly. I feel the restoration should be public and loud and vocal and unashamed. I know that my value is not based on his treatment of me and that God loves me therefore I am valuable. But I feel he needs to let the world know, including the AP, that what he did was no indication of my value as a wife and no indication of his lack of love for me. It was about his own lack of self control and his own sin. And that he is now even more committed to being a husband who honors his wife instead of bringing her shame and heartache.

Well said Tara. Ditto.

Well said Tara. Ditto.

That was amazingly well said

That was amazingly well said and captures how i still feel, a year later. I do feel honored that he chose me and to improve our marriage. God bless you!

Very well said

Very well said. God bless you!!

well stated!

Rick, thank you for opening this door. Tara, thank you SO MUCH for stating what has been in my heart and mind for a little over three years since the latest D-day. (My husband had an affair two years before with the same person, broke it off, and started again when significant life stressors that had nothing to do with me became too difficult to handle.) In an attempt to justify his affair and gain support, he complained to everyone who would listen that I was a horrible, demanding wife who had a personality disorder. I chose to be supportive and our relationship is improving daily, but because of what I assume is shame, he has yet to discuss is false accusations with the people in our lives that matter the most...his parents and my daughter and her husband. It is simply too painful to discuss, so he acts as though it never happened. As to friends, his coworkers and community, he said he told them that I was not the person he painted me out to be, but I feel I live in the shadow of those false accusations. As a result, I have gone from being outgoing and at ease in the presence of people to uneasy and guarded. I don't like the "new me" and long to hold my head high without false accusations and other's opinions judging me.

My feelings exactly

My best friend of 20 years and my wife of 8 years all currently work together. I was introduced to my wife by my best friend. My wife and I was going through a tough time, more so then I even knew and she sought emotional comfort in him. This was easy for her since they shared an office. Now keep in mind these are the most trusted people in my life. They chose to have an office affair for at least 4 months. My other coworkers seen him texting her to talking her into cheating and no one said anything to me on such a matter. I probably would have never found out if I did not do something that I never would have dreamed that I would do and go through her cell phone text messages. I confronted her on the issue and he had convinced her to continue to lie about any kind of an affair, until she decided to step forward and tell the truth. Even after her confession he continued to try to keep the lie alive throwing her under the bus, until the lies caught up with him. To me a friendship if 20 years and a marriage of 8 years means something. The hurt and the lies seem unbearable, but the dishonor and disrepect of the marriages, children and work place goes so much deeper. My wife and I are attempting to work through this and rebuild our marriage, but I want nothing more to do with him. Is this a bad thing me wanting him completely out if our lives?


Wow! I can SO relate to that! But instead, I will be the one who leaves the town I love so I don't have to see her or even be in the same environment as her :(

"why I would want to be

"why I would want to be publicly associated with someone who would so publicly dishonor me. It feels as if I have diminished value. I know that these are not truths, and I know intellectually..."

I think that's the point of this article though. Socially, these are truths even if we do our best to separate them from our internal and personal sense of value and shame. I think you make a lot of sense thinking about your approach to restoring that honor. I don't know if those ways would work since I have a man's point of view and things are different for us, but it sounds like you have a good sense of what would work for you. My only advice is to be honest with yourself if you're being forced to compromise on any of those.

I'm glad you wrote about this

I'm glad you wrote about this because what I realize, three years out and still struggling, is that what bothers me most isn't the sex they had but the disrespect they both demonstrated toward me. What I need to go forward is not just his declarations of love for me or his desire to stay married to me -- those were there all along. I need declarations of *respect.* Even though my husband is the one who broke promises to me, it was not at all okay for the OW to come on to him and let him show she was available. She knew me and our children. Therefore, what actually hurts me the most is that not only did my husband allow another person to disrespect me and our family in this way, but he encouraged it. I believe his infidelity would be much easier for me to get over if it had been with a woman who didn't know me at all and if he had been the one to initiate it. That may sound crazy to some people, but it kills me that he didn't stand up for me to someone who clearly cared nothing about potential devastating another person's whole family.

Rick, could you write more about this, with some specifics on how to help *heal* these feelings of having been disrespected?

My feelings put into words

I would love more on this - and how to heal from these feelings. It goes way deeper than my husband sleeping with someone else - it is the social shame that is almost crippling. Not being good enough in the eyes of everyone (whether it is my imagination or not it is very real to me).

5 months since D-Day and I struggle every day.

Today's message on Shame, especially social.

Dear Rick, As former clients of your Counseling Center, I could not have written or expressed this phenomenon any better! For my husband and I , the barriers to a complete recovery from our devastation are the social ones, especially in our church communities or support groups during the time of our separation or early reconciliation attempts to bond as a struggling, but reunited couple. Thank you for validating our experience.


I am only 8 months out from d-day. But I totally understand these feelings. I feel shame although I did nothing wrong. I have always had a very public view of people that cheat. I have been very vocal about it in my home and personal life. I would never cast a vote for any political person if they had cheated because if they can't or won't honor a vow they made to the person that they professed to wanting to spend their life with and to God then how could I expect them to carry honor into their office? My husband was well aware of my views. My best friend was the other woman to a married man and as much as it hurt me to end that friendship I ended it. I told her I could not support that sort of lifestyle because it conflicted with my morals and the things I valued in life. My husband watched my struggle and pain from ending that friendship. Yet he still made the choice to have affairs. He and I are working to restore our marriage. But one of the hardest struggles I have faced or am currently facing is knowing that he did not share in my value and moral system. He knew my feeling about this subject and still cheated. I most days I feel like all the things I thought WE valued, all the morals I thought WE agreed on, where just a big fat joke to him. I feel like I am married to a stranger. Actually I am married to a man I would not take a second date with. Part of my attraction to my husband was the morals and values I thought we shared. He has disgraced himself and our family. I asked him if the way he has treated me was so acceptable then would it be okay for our daughters boyfriend/husband to treat her the same way? He said that was different. I said how? I am someone's daughter!!
I hope these articles to address some of the ways that I feel because this is a major roadblock for me. I am just not sure I can overcome the shame and having to lower my standards to remain in my marriage.

Great Article!

Rick, you have described this issue very well--thank you. I want to be married to an honorable man. And I want to be seen as an honorable woman.

I'm wondering if this is pride?

Maybe I should just be willing to be married to someone who is not honorable. And be content to be thought of as joining his side in dishonor?

It's all so sad and disheartening.

Our community has definitely felt betrayed by my husband. I pray that at some point, he can be reconciled. I know this would be a miracle.

I want to be able to be happy whether I'm honored or not and whether he's honored or not. But I feel that it's only logical that God's highest desire would be for our honor to be restored in our community. Maybe that is a pipe dream here on this earth. For now, I feel that I must continue to concentrate on the fact that God loves my husband and I regardless of our behavior.

That gives me great comfort.

Thanks so much for the insight. It has helped me to understand myself better.


Very few know about his 7 years of betrayal. He says he is now committed to fidelity in the marriage even though he doesn't believe i monogamy. . I feel his actions and lies so disrespected and dishonored me I feel there is something wrong with me to settle for a man who would do this to me. He can be a model husband and I still feel intense resentment. It's over 2 and a half years since the discovery. Forgiveness and Acceptance seem impossible while i feel this gaping wound still bleeding. It is about restoring. Please discuss from the hurt spouse's perspective.


God spoke to me in a thought:" Would you be willing to LET your husband be a good man once again?" That question started to turn this ship around in my thinking. It's been slow but steady. Reading Rick's article also on shaming someone for what they did facilitates their inability to not make it about them again. And as a result, it makes them continue in their selfishness and inability to "hear" you and feel your pain. Do we want to do that deliberately or inadvertently?


The way society looks at affairs is disheartening. If so and so cheated on his wife she mustn't have been meeting "his needs". Urgh!! How that comment infuriates me! Cliched comments like that shows an outsiders ignorance to what is often happening behind the scenes. Unfortunately, an uneducated public is what we, as the injured spouses, have to deal with. This brings heavy levels of shame. Just being associated with my husband in public is hard. I never wanted to be with a man like him. Now, if I want to keep our marriage together, that is exactly what I've got. It's a horrible feeling. I had no choice in the matter. He did it to both of us. Both of us pay with the shame but I didn't do anything wrong. Oh, to pay for the sins of another. How painful. Any suggestions you can give will be appreciated. Thank you for your support


I think you've struck the mother lode with this topic. I struggle with the dishonor and disrespect demonstrated by both of them toward me, our family, and our marriage. Forgiveness only goes so far. I need to be made whole.


I am enjoying reading the experiences and emotions of couples affected by cheating spouses. I am in a emotional state of mind, difficult to accept the unexpected of the one person I felt I could count on. We are in counseling but the fact still remains he shared intimate time and space with another woman, denying that it was sexual. This affair has disrupted my marriage and family, sometimes I question why can't I just focus on our making our marriage work as he says that he wants to do, then I question why did he become involved with another woman in the first place, he knew it was wrong, what did he think it would do to our marriage? I cry often unexpected, and question if we will make it through this?

Shaming from all sides

For me the shame is coming from all sides. It is crippling, like another commenter said. I feel shame that I was and still am not good enough. I feel shame that he still doesn't love me "out loud" for everyone to hear and see. I feel shame for trying to save my marriage, when so many people are pressing me to end it. I feel shame for trying to trust him again and shame for the times when I don't trust him and should have. I feel shame that I let this happen to me. I feel shame that I have always thought affairs were wrong, that there was no excuse for it, but here I am defending him and what he did, to my family and friends. I feel shame when I speak of what happened and shame when I try to hide it. I feel shame that I did not do well enough with my own life to be able to take care of my children on my own. I feel shame for taking him for granted in the past when I should have protected our relationship better. I feel shame for taking any of the blame and shame for not taking enough of the blame. I feel shame for even writing this post.


Wow, this sooo identifies how I have been feeling and even behaving. My wayward husband refuses to be honest about his affair and is in total denial. The shame I feel at being seen with him in public is incredible, to the point where I won't be seen with him in public in our town and become enraged (internally) when he tells anyone we are getting back together. I have been separated and am only moving back for logistic reasons but cannot work on the marriage or start recovery before/unless he confesses. I plan on getting the house ready to sell and then leave. If he decides to confess and wants to reconcile I won't be able to work through it until I am at least 1000 miles away from here and among people that do not know either of us. He has destroyed my honor, so it is great to hear someone acknowledging and identifying the issue of honor and dishonor.

Thank you for addressing Honor and Shame

Rick, I so appreciate you digging into this topic. It is crucial and it is at the crux of what get blown apart in betrayal. Our d-day was 3 years ago. I have purposed to forgive generously, unconditionally and completely from the beginning. But even though I set my heart that direction daily, I still have such a hard time believing this happened to me, and that the man I am loving gave his heart and affections to another. I don't want to shame him, but it is so odd and hurtful to me that in so many ways - he is detached from the reality that "he did it". He has had no emotional response of remorse or shame... only anger when he has to talk about it (occasionally he can talk about it kindly). He would just like for me to "stop hurting" so that we can get on with our lives. I believe there is a shame he does not want to face... so he doesn't.

Honor and Shame

It has also been 3 years since my d-day and my husband shows no remorse or shame. I have run the gamut of emotions and shame hit me later. I think that I feel the shame of remaining with him when he shows none at all for what he has done. His answer to me is "how come you can't just get over this and move on...I have". A clergyman told me early on that his biggest concern for me was my husbands lack of remorse. Don't know if I can survive this!

Honor and Shame - Remorse

My d-day was 1 year ago. My husband has never denied his infidelity and has apologized. He voluntarily began marriage counseling for a bit, but after about 4 months has been frustrated and angry that I can't just get over this like he has. I have never learned when the infidelity began; he says about 5 years ago and with a handful of women, but my research has revealed many more women just in the 1.5 years of phone records available. Since he hasn't been truthful about he number of women, I don't believe him about the number of years either - I think it has gone on for much longer. He says he is protecting me by not telling me the full truth, and our counselor agrees that knowing more will not help me. But his anger and his lack of remorse/repentance when I have a trigger moment is still so hurtful. Our 25th wedding anniversary is next week and I am devastated that my marriage has been a farce. I know he cheated on me the last two anniversaries (that he obviously forgot). How can he expect me to be over something in just 1 year that occurred for many, many years, especially when he gets angry/defensive instead of showing empathy/compassion/ remorse?

How can he expect you to

How can he expect you to forgive when you don't know what you are forgiving?

Shame in the Church context

I appreciate your talking about this subject. Infidelity is the greatest dishonor I have ever experienced on a personal level and it took place in the context of a strong community of faith, there was both social and spiritual shame related to my leaving the relationship. My entire life was changed when I made the excruciating choice to not stay in the marriage. I have met others with similar experiences who were left, like me, starting all over again without the spiritual and emotional support they had built over many years in their circle of faith. If there are others who read this article, I encourage them to continue with the tools that Affair Recovery offers.


You're totally right about shame in the church.... no prayer requests get mentioned or go up for this kind of devastation. It's so taboo and not to be mentioned. You are left to fight through it alone... very little, if any, help is offered. I feel your pain.

Honor and Shame

I feel intense shame over what my husband has done. So much so that I can't (or won't) share this with anyone. How could he? We had been married for 27 years when I discovered his repeated infidelities. Although I understand on a logical level the shame is his, on a heart level, it's forever attached to me. So now my life is a sham, a front I/we put on to save face, and to protect our immediate family. It's painful.
The deep shame he feels breaks my heart, how awful to live with that as he has, all of his life; (it roots back to childhood abuse). I have such empathy for that. But oh the damage, by behaving so dreadfully........oh, the shame.

Similar story... 27 years.

Similar story... 27 years. Repeated incidents. Absolutely bone-crushing.


I was betrayed and it has resulted in a prolonged separation that has been ever so draining. I'm beginning to believe that shame and avoiding the truth is what have kept the relationship at such a drastic stand still. I am mentally exhausted and have chosen to stop trying to convince my spouse that we can work through it. And the statement about detaching from parents/family has also been another issue. On so many levels the family has become part of the problem by remaining an associate of the AP, and my spouse chooses to pretend that none of this is occurring and gets extremely quiet if it's brought up. Yet have a slight protective mode for the family. Only apologizes when hurt is expressed for the families actions. And this whole thing has been one big secret. I am certain many friends and family don't even know as we still associate amongst other friend/family. But I'm getting to the point where I no longer care to live a silent lie. I no longer care if people know. I don't care if people know we are not together. I don't care if the family knows what happened, bcz living in a bubble of shame has gotten me or the marriage absolutely no where. I feel ashamed. A little silly/gullible but I don't feel bad. I think it's just how I've had to process everything

Dishonored describes it perfectly

It has been many years since his affair but I have still not "healed" completely. I feel the main reasons for not being able to "get over it" are because of his continued denial of the truth and the total disrespect he has shown by his words and actions. When I first discovered his affair and confronted him, the things he said to me, the way he blamed me for it, Even though he has apologized and said he did not mean what he said, I just can not forget or forgive. I also confronted his affair partner, in a reasonable and non-threatening manner, and she said rude, demeaning things to me, as if I was the one in the wrong. Again, even though this happened many years ago and their affair is long over, these things are what hold me back from full recovery. I have been humiliated by both of them and have been told to get over it and move on.
Just for the record, how should I feel when he tells me this was his answer to her when she asked him "are you married?" He said, "My wife is but I am not". When he told me he said that I did not laugh and he asked me why I didn't think it was funny and he was upset with me and said I have no sense of humor. Apparently she loved it because they immediately had sex. He said it was that line that did it for her! How am I supposed to feel about that?

Wow. That has got to be the

Wow. That has got to be the worst comment I have heard. No betrayed Spouse would find that funny. I am amazed he is that clueless and insensitive. I would have slapped my husband if he said that to me. Frankly, I probably would have lost it and fists would have flown. Not that I am recommending that by any means. I just have a hair trigger after the infidelity. That comment just indicates a lack of empathy and a lot of smugness and selfishness. I am furious for you. You know I have heard it said that what differentiates us from animals is our ability to empathize with another.

I am outraged as well

I am outraged as well for your husband’s careless and thoughtless comment to you. It always amazes me how obtuse people can be. Obviously, when they were doling out empathy and compassion for others, your so-called hubby was MIA. Unbelievable!!!

Restoring honor

I identify with this article as a betrayed spouse. Although my spouse and I are both working hard in recovery, some aspects seem to linger unadressed. I have had zero desire to see any of my spouses friends who knew about the affair and I feel a disconnect from my spouses family because they dont know about it. I've wished for my spouse to make attempts at restoring our honor by clearing my name to the friends and coming clean to the family as they saw me literally melt down before thier eyes (without knowing fully why). However my spouse did tell one family member and the response was truly awful and discouraged the chance of that happening again. I'm hoping that future articles may provide advice on what might be healthy examples of restoring honor that both the betrayed and unfaithful can perform. After reading this, I realize that is a part of why I wont re-engage with my spouses friends that I used to consider "our" friends. A year+ out and I'm still embarrassed by what they think about me based on the blame / justifications were told to them during that time. Is this something that would help the unfaithful as well as the betrayed?

When is enough pain?

I am the one that got caught up and met up with a woman on two separate occasions. I literally didn’t even knew her name. My wife feels that this has been 7 months of infidelity in which there were only two times and she cannot move past anything. I hear about what I had done every day which creates tremendous pain and suffering for me. She keeps telling me that I am trying to minimize it. Can this be saved?
I am eternally sad and I see no end to her being upset with me. I am now on day 90 of when I came clean. Any advice for me would be super helpful. I am suffering as well as my wife and children.

Enough pain

I'm sorry you are in pain. I know what it's like to reach for advice. Although, this is where we comment on the video subject matter, I'd advise you to seek professional help from joining one of the programs this group (affair recovery) offers. They can help you better understand the reaction of your spouse and what your next steps may be if you want to recover and possibly reconcile your marriage.


I feel so much shame that I know my husband and his AP laughed at me, made jokes and called me stupid. My husband sent a meme to her that it is so nice when trash takes itself out. He asked me for a divorce and then I found out about his long affair 7 years, to his landlord, yes he was living in another city to work, since he could not find work here. He played me for such a fool, and I was blindsided by the divorce email. When we got back together and bought a home in the city where he worked, he told me that they had oral sex, And then he told me that reason why one of the emails to her said I need to see you and he was very persistent, and was running after her, just for him to say to her that he wanted to take it to another level. He has said that he didn't care if I ever found out about his affair. He was living two lives. I am so ashamed that I did not know it was happening, and that I allowed him to live in another city 5 hours away. I am ashamed that I never went there for a surprise visit because he told me that his landlord did not allow any guests or wives to come into her home. He rented a room from her. I am ashamed that I was okay when he gave me that BS and I thought his landlord was some elderly widow that needed the income. He bought her birthday gifts and they went to the movies. Movies that I thought he was going by himself, and requesting if he could bring a guest to the film critic company owner that knew he had a family in another city. I hate that I never noticed that he did not have a status on his FB.

What type of affair was it?

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-D, Texas