No More Secrets

From the beginning of recovery, my husband and I made the decision to have no more secrets between us.  It wasn’t just my husband who needed to disclose things either.  I had my own “inner struggle” I needed to share with him.  For several years, we felt disconnected from each other and as I became more involved in church, I also felt more appreciated by other men.  There was one in particular who made me feel extra “special.”  At the time, it was obvious he and his wife were having their own struggles and I noticed her pulling away from our friendship.  Luckily, nothing happened.    However, I see if I had chosen to take the first steps toward an affair, it would have been hard to stop.  I am still thankful for God’s grace and the fact that nothing ever transpired.    This was a huge wake-up call for me and caused me to put “safeguards” in place to prevent that from happening again.    Part of the “no secrets” pact is that I can and should ask my husband how he is doing with his recovery.  The only caveat is that I need to be able to listen with an understanding heart.  In the beginning it stung to hear that he was still struggling with “sight.”  Most guys struggle with sight but they don’t go where my husband goes.  It has been 8 months and my husband hasn’t “acted out” but he has been on the verge a few times.

While I appreciate him being vulnerable and honest, I also know it is necessary for me to be vulnerable, as well.  I had to share with him that I was struggling with feeling like he was a “safe” person for me.  In order for me to feel “safe” I need to know he has an accountability partner, somebody he can call or text when he has the strong urge to “act out.”  If I don’t feel safe, it makes it very hard for me to be vulnerable in the intimacy portion of our marriage.  I believe we will get there in time.

Although the celibacy in our marriage up to this point has been a little weird, it has also been quite healing.  It almost feels like we are starting over with new viewpoints and a redeemed mindset and appreciation for each other and our sex lives.   The fact that we are making our marriage a safe environment to communicate everything makes this more believable to me than ever.  No more secrets!  

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Thank you

Thank you for sharing. I do had a "close" call moment early in my marriage. At that point I thinks that I realized how quickly things can progress and I put up what I thought where boundaries to keep my marriage safe. I have come to discovers that some of my boundaries where also walls that I place because I thought I was keeping myself safe.

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