My Spouse Just Confessed to Infidelity. Now What!?! Part 1

Five months ago, my husband sat me down and told me about a sexual addiction he has had for over 20 years.   Before you close this blog saying “Oh, he didn’t have an affair, what does she know?”  Let me just tell you, not all sexual addictions happen behind closed doors in front of a computer screen. 

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and since the first year I had a feeling that there was “someone” or “something” that he had on the side.  I could sense that he was not “all in.”  However, when I would ask him “Do you have a problem with porn” or “I feel like you are going out of town just to be with somebody else” he could “truthfully” tell me that it was neither of those things because it wasn’t…it was something that wasn’t even on my radar.

Over the years he had shared little bits and pieces, things he thought I would be able to accept but never everything.  He started attending a men’s purity group at our church and the men in the group encouraged him to disclose everything to me.  Due to the nature of his addiction, they suggested he not tell me until we were in front of a counselor. 

So, one Saturday morning he told me “I have something I need to share with you about myself but the guys in my purity group don’t think I should tell you until we have a counselor to help us through it.”  Thankfully, I had a hair appointment that day and had time to think.  God reminded me of two of my dear friends at church who had been through this with their husbands.  So, the next day, I called one of them to set up a coffee date for that afternoon.  That morning at church, the entire sermon was on sexual addiction and affairs and coming clean with God and your spouse. 

When we got home, my husband sat down and shared everything with me.  I fully believe that because my husband was faithful with telling me when God told him to, there was a grace to not completely flip out and lose my mind.  My reaction was tempered by God’s grace.   

On the outside, I had no facial expressions but on the inside I was FREAKING OUT!  My husband was telling me some crazy stuff! 

My husband started weeping in front of me telling me how unworthy and shameful he felt and how he didn’t believe he deserved to be loved.  It was in that moment I felt led to sit in his lap, hug him, and tell him “I’m so sorry for your pain.”  I felt love for him that came from God’s help and grace, as in my flesh I was numb. 

After that, I had my coffee date with my friend and unloaded everything on her that my husband had disclosed.  I remember being shocked that she was not taken aback or surprised with what I was telling her.  She shared with me about her experience with her own husband and how Rick Reynolds had helped him recover from his addiction to porn 14 years ago. 

I found Affair Recovery and my husband and I watched Rick’s Story and realized that he really understood.  He “got it.”  I immersed myself in the website and found the First Steps Bootcamp 

I cannot recommend the First Steps Bootcamp enough.  It is completely free, only 7 days and I fully believe our recovery started off on a strong foot because of it.  One of the things Rick reiterates over and over again on Affair Recovery and in the First Steps Bootcamp is how important full disclosure in the beginning is. 

So, that night I sat there listening to my husband share everything he could possibly think of that he had done.  It was one of the most excruciating things I have experienced in our marriage but I believe that because he fully disclosed everything in the beginning, it has given us the ability to move forward and gain ground almost immediately.     

I don’t share this part of our story to say, “Look at us, we did it all right.”  I just want you to know that the steps on Affair Recovery really do work even though they are extremely difficult at times.  Also,   God’s timing and guidance are always better than our own.  

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Amy

Is part 2 coming?

Part 2 is up! :)

Part 2 is up! :)

Disclosure

Hi Amy,
You said that your husband didn't have an affair. Neither did mine.
I'm trying to find someone in the same boat as I am who has made progress. Would you mind sharing a little more about your experience?
Thank you,
Linda

Hi Linda, :)

Hi Linda, :)

My husband struggled with exhibitionism and public masturbation for over 20 years. It is still weird and surreal writing it out. He still struggles with sight but hasn't "acted out" since D-Day almost 7 months ago. There are many public places we can't go to because they are triggers for him right now. If you don't mind me asking, is it a sex addiction your husband struggles with?

Amy

What type of affair was it?

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