Butterflies

uncomfortable flower dyingEvery time I walk into my counselor’s office he asks me, “What is God telling you?”  Last week I knew God was telling me that I needed to prioritize my own healing and the healing of my marriage.  This week, I feel God telling me, “Be brave.  You deserve to enjoy every aspect of the life I have given you.  You have to fight for it.  There are forces unseen working against you.” 

Currently, I am reading "A True Name” by Leslie Kim Wiese.  In our last session, my counselor asked me, “What is your new name in light of all the trauma you’ve endured?”  I prayed about it and the name that consistently came up in my mind was “Warrior.”  Life is a battle and every day I have the opportunity to fight or submit.  The stronger I become in Christ, the stronger I am to fight those daily battles.

This morning as I was doing my homework, I finally understood why my true name is “Warrior.”    Every single part of my body doesn’t want to do the activities I need to do in order to heal.  Literally, when I start even thinking about doing what I need to do, my body tenses up and screams, “No.”  I avoid feeling uncomfortable by procrastinating when it comes to my AR homework.  I often choose to watch an extra television show in the evening instead of doing my marriage homework with my husband. 

The old me would have beaten myself up emotionally saying, “Look, you screwed up again.  What is wrong with you?”  The new me, instead, says, “Okay, lesson learned.  Every day you choose to do your homework is another step toward recovery.”

A year ago, I started working with a health coach through an online program.  One of her mantras is “If you want to grow in life, you have to become comfortable with being uncomfortable.”  Feeling “butterflies” in my stomach means I am stepping out of my comfort zone and growing as a person.  I am an introvert by nature, so most of the time what gives me “butterflies” is simply going to a class or Bible study where I don’t know anybody.  Now, it is time to continue this practice in my marriage and other aspects of my life.

As a Christian, I don’t believe we are meant to live the comfortable life.  We are meant for something so much more, but that requires the willingness to take risks.  Sometimes, the things God has for me are easy like being a part of the worship team at church.  Other things, like leading a Bible study are difficult.  Even more difficult is when I know God is prompting me to say or do something for a person no matter how weird or out of the blue it may seem.

So, the question is, what do I personally need to do in order to experience “butterflies” and growth in my marriage?  Right now, I know I need to drop the evening television with my husband and instead spend time doing our homework together.  I also feel God telling me to pray and read the Bible with my husband more.  We know we need to do it, but it feels awkward right now.  I just have to believe that the awkwardness is an attempt of our enemy to keep us from doing it.  He knows if we become a praying couple, we will become a strong couple.  I do believe that things will fall into place according to God’s will.  I also believe that prioritizing our relationship with God both individually and as a couple is the number one thing we need to do if we want the marriage we desire and the marriage God intended for us.

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