#10 "Why are you asking me about this again? I've already answered that."

The frustration. The agitation. The internal scream from wayward spouses: Please, God, will they ever stop asking these damn questions? You're not wrong, you probably have answered that question before. Maybe 19 times to be exact.

I remember doing this myself, relentlessly, obsessively, heartbreakingly. I asked my husband the same gut-wrenching questions over and over again for months. And I had my reasons.

So, when a betrayed spouse repeats the same questions, it's not an obsession. It's a brain desperately trying to make sense of the senseless.

#9 "You were fine five minutes ago. What's wrong with you?"

Sure, it may seem like a reasonable observation, followed by a logical question. But here's the reality: betrayal trauma can cause 100 triggers in a single day. A place, a smell, a name, a song, anything, can hijack a betrayed spouse's nervous system in an instant.

That's because betrayal trauma activates the brain's fear center, the amygdala, locking it into fight, flight, fawn, or freeze mode. Meanwhile, the logical part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) goes offline. One minute they're fine; the next, they're emotionally drowning.

This isn't moodiness. It's not manipulation. And they aren't crazy. Trauma is raw, real, and all consuming, sometimes without warning.

#8 "Why do you have to make everything about the affair?"

Pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip. This one may feel like a legitimate complaint, but in reality, our bodies are built for survival. Since the primary threat to survival is the affair, everything is seen through that lens. Like the victim of a mugging trying to walk through a dimly lit park on the way home from work, so the betrayed spouse is on high alert, all the time, for the very thing that threatened them before. Any pain, any change of plans, any new smell, any unexpected response, anything that mildly reeks of a trigger, takes a betrayed spouse back to the pain of the original betrayal. No, they're not dragging everything back to the affair for punishment or drama. They're being dragged back BY the trauma.

This isn't an obsession with the past. It's the brain trying to survive an emotional injury that shattered the brain's sense of safety.

#7 "Why are you making this into such a big deal? It was just [this] or only [that]."

"It was only a one-night stand; there are people out there with a whole secret second family," or "So I paid for sex one time; I don't even know her name." A really common one is, "It was only an emotional thing, you're acting like I slept with him or her."

Wayward partners, even if you're trying to reduce your partner's pain, what they're likely hearing is: "You're overreacting, and I'm not going to fully own this" I know because I've been there.

Here's the truth: minimizing doesn't soothe. It invalidates.

Rather than explaining what it wasn't, own what it was. Truth is a better foundation to build on than any justification could ever be.

#6 "It didn't mean anything."

This one stings in a particular way. I know it's often said in an attempt to reassure and express, "It meant nothing compared to what we have."

But this is what I heard: "You threw away our marriage, our family, and risked your entire career for something that meant NOTHING?!"

That makes the betrayed partner feel even more irrelevant and expendable. If it meant nothing, then exactly how little do I mean to you?

It's better to own that it meant something to the wayward partner at the time, whether that "something" was escape, addiction, fantasy, or numbing something they didn't want to cope with.

For my husband and me, his willingness to share that self-discovery helped us move forward in our recovery.

#5 "But it was so long ago."

Time doesn't heal all wounds. Wayward partner, it might have happened years ago for you, but if your partner just found out, the betrayal is fresh. You may have had twenty years to amend your behavior, but they've just realized they spent twenty years living a lie.

Wayward partners, if you're thinking, But they've known about the infidelity for years and still bring it up, ask yourself:

• Have there been additional discoveries that reset the clock?
• Have you both received specialized care for infidelity trauma?
• Is there ongoing, visible work being done to rebuild trust and safety?

If the answer to any of these questions is, "No," then it is unreasonable for you to expect anything different.

If the answer to these questions is, "Yes," and you're feeling stuck, it may be time to explore deeper trauma therapies like EMDR or ETT which are designed to help the brain process and release trauma in a more complete way.

It is no one's fault when, despite our best efforts, traumatic events halt life. Believe me when I say that seeking help often leads to greater freedom than we imagined possible.

#4 "You need to calm down."

No one in the history of CALM DOWN has ever calmed down because someone simply instructed them to calm down!

I think both partners will agree that the phrase doesn't de-escalate, it inflames!

When the betrayed partner is emotionally flooded, they don't need a lecture. They need compassion and stability. Sure, a time out may be in order, but don't try to put a lid on their pain.

#3 "Well, if YOU hadn't..."

Tempting, I know. It's natural to want to highlight the other issues in the marriage, but here's the truth: no matter what wasn't working, infidelity was still a choice.

Until safety and trust are rebuilt, deflecting by bringing up your own resentments will only derail recovery. Own your part fully. There will be time later, in a healthier season, to revisit who pulls their car too far into the garage and might just be a little too controlling about the kids or finances.

#2 "It won't happen again. Can't we just move on?"

This statement is both dismissive and insulting. Saying "It won't happen again" may sound like reassurance but remember, it wasn't supposed to happen at all.

So instead of, "Just trust me," show your partner:

• Do recovery work, as a couple and as an individual.
• Get involved with 12-step work for addictions.
• Find a therapist. Everyone and their mother could use some therapy!
• Participate in and initiate consistent, open, honest, transparent communication
• Act with urgency and put proper boundaries and safety measures in place for your relationship and to prevent relapse.

Living differently is what builds credibility. Don't tell them how you're different. Show them....Trust me, they're watching.

#1 "I was trying to protect you by not telling you the truth."

Let's call this what it is: control disguised as care. Saying, "I didn't tell you to protect you" often translates to, "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to deal with the fallout."

D-Day can make the betrayed feel like they've just been handed a forensic file, and when they open it, there's an ugly picture of themselves paperclipped inside. One of the bravest things the wayward partner can do is to explain what's in that file. The most ideal scenario is when the wayward partner relinquishes control of the flow of information and compassionately places that control into the fragile hands of their betrayed partner. A connection that's rooted in truth, refined by empathy, and rebuilt with intention IS possible.

For the betrayed partner, it's a daily struggle to make sense of what happened, to feel safe in a relationship that suddenly feels completely foreign.

For the wayward partner, it's a humbling journey of facing what they've done, learning to hold space for pain they caused, and showing up day after day with no guarantee of forgiveness.

When a couple commits to walking through the wreckage together, with patience, transparency, and open communication, something extraordinary can happen.

It's not a return to the old relationship but the possibility of something new that's been forged through fire and made stronger because of it.