I'm so sorry to hear that. I know how painful that is. My husband swept things under the rug and tried "white knuckling" it for years, which only made the pain of his betrayal worse. I didn't want to be defined by the pain he caused, which is why I began to pursue my own healing and recovery. For the first eight months or so, I worked through my recovery whilst my husband continued living in denial and trying to forget his affairs had happened. I truly believed there was no hope he would ever change, but an amazing thing happened toward the end of my Harboring Hope course - my husband registered himself for Hope for Healing. It was the first step in his recovery. That was over six years ago and now he's like a different person. 

I certainly can't predict what your spouse will choose, but I know that if my spouse can change, there is hope for everyone! And I know that if my shattered heart could heal, there is hope for yours as well.

Thank you for sharing your story, Beth G. That's such a hard place to be in and it takes courage to be open and honest. I was stuck for years after my husband's first affair. I lived in a state of hypervigilance, constantly checking and triple checking my environment to ensure my safety. Any time there was silence, I my mind would race with intrusive thougths so I surrvived by keeping my brain in a constant state of distraction - loud music, TV in the background, etc. Trying to fall asleep was the worst and for years, I would lay for hours, fighting my own internal battle before I finally drifted off, completely exhausted. I also experienced horrifically graphic nightmares nearly every night so I develped extreme anxiety about going to sleep. The only way I could manage was to either play Christian music or a devotional - again, distracting my brain. By the end of four and a half years, I felt like a different person. Whereas I was once organized and structured, I found myself getting by by the seat of my pants. Whereas I was once a multitasker, I found I couldn't even hold a conversation with my kid while writing my own name. Whereas I was once strong and confident, I found I had become weak and codependent.

I understand your husband's struggle. Betryal trauma is not often given the weight it deserves and I'm not sure that those of us who suffer from it even recognize it for what it is. It becomes our new normal and feels like it will never end. But it can end. In 2018, after my husband's last affair, I got into therapy and a few months later, I began the Harboring Hope course. I learned that I wasn't alone. I learned that there was a name for what I was experiencing and with that name, hope for a better future for myself. I learned that weakness was an opportunity to grow in strength. I experiened support from others who were going through the same thing who listened to me, heard me, and empathized with me. That might have been the most impactful part becasue for years, I had felt alone and abandoned. The course literally changed my life. (Which is why I'm so passionate about it).

The hidden wound of betrayal trauma is not easily overcome, but it is overcomable. There is no where he can run where it won't follow, but if your husband is willing to do the work (regardless of the outcome of the marraige), he can experience healing and wholeness. Harboring Hope is a great way to jumpstart that healing. 

Patrice, you are definitely NOT crazy. I know it feels that way at times. I felt like my husband's affairs transformed me into a different person I never wanted to be. Learning to create safety for myself and working through my own recovery and healing helped me to let go of resentment toward my spouse. As I did, he actually softened and started to hear some of the things I had been saying for years. It's amazing how choosing to prioritize my healing actually served as a catalyst for my spouse, as he observed the changes in me. One comment he made after that observation was that he had not respected me because it was clear I didn't respect myself. That stung a bit, but also pointed out to me that we teach others how to treat us, largely by how we treat ourselves. There is hope for a brighter future, free from fear and bitterness. I know because I wake up to it every day. Praying for you!

If you're interested in more information regarding betrayal trauma, I recommend you check out our videos with expert MJ Denis, an infidelity trauma specialist. 

Infidelity Trauma Part 1 - https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/infidelity-trauma-interview-specialist-part-1
Infidelity Trauma Part 2 - https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/infidelity-trauma-interview-specialist-part-2