I'm so sorry to hear that. I know how painful that is. My husband swept things under the rug and tried "white knuckling" it for years, which only made the pain of his betrayal worse. I didn't want to be defined by the pain he caused, which is why I began to pursue my own healing and recovery. For the first eight months or so, I worked through my recovery whilst my husband continued living in denial and trying to forget his affairs had happened. I truly believed there was no hope he would ever change, but an amazing thing happened toward the end of my Harboring Hope course - my husband registered himself for Hope for Healing. It was the first step in his recovery. That was over six years ago and now he's like a different person. 

I certainly can't predict what your spouse will choose, but I know that if my spouse can change, there is hope for everyone! And I know that if my shattered heart could heal, there is hope for yours as well.

That's a great question, gsw, and we certainly want clarity around this issue. Rick and Leigh are talking about changing where the memory is stored in the brain.

Imagine you've cleaned out your house and are storing unused items from your home. You really want to keep your home streamlined and functional and don't want to let these unused items find their way back into the house where they're likely to cause clutter and disruption. You have two options: you can store the items in the garage, visible and easily within reach, or you can store them offsight in a storage facility where you don't have easy access. Which one will do the better job of helping you to maintain your newly decluttered home?

Trauma memories are stored in the garage, a little too easily accessible. Normal memories are stored at a storage facility. They're still yours, but you don't have to pass them every day as you go out to start your car.

The exercies mentioned help our brains to convert those trauma memories into normal hypocampal memories so that they can be stored properly instead of reliving them every time we're triggered.

I hope that helps! 

I'm so glad it was helpful for you! A little information goes a long way in recovery. Especially when it's the right information at the right time. Your response fills my heart with joy.

Thank you for sharing your story, Beth G. That's such a hard place to be in and it takes courage to be open and honest. I was stuck for years after my husband's first affair. I lived in a state of hypervigilance, constantly checking and triple checking my environment to ensure my safety. Any time there was silence, my mind would race with intrusive thougths so I surrvived by keeping my brain in a constant state of distraction - loud music, TV in the background, etc. Trying to fall asleep was the worst and for years, I would lay for hours, fighting my own internal battle before I finally drifted off, completely exhausted. I also experienced horrifically graphic nightmares nearly every night so I developed extreme anxiety about going to sleep. The only way I could manage was to either play Christian music or a devotional - again, distracting my brain. By the end of four and a half years, I felt like a different person. Whereas I was once organized and structured, I found myself getting by by the seat of my pants. Whereas I was once a multitasker, I found I couldn't even hold a conversation with my kid while writing my own name. Whereas I was once strong and confident, I found I had become weak and codependent.

I understand your husband's struggle. Betryal trauma is not often given the weight it deserves and I'm not sure that those of us who suffer from it even recognize it for what it is. It becomes our new normal and feels like it will never end. But it can end. In 2018, after my husband's last affair, I got into therapy and a few months later, I began the Harboring Hope course. I learned that I wasn't alone. I learned that there was a name for what I was experiencing and with that name, hope for a better future for myself. I learned that weakness was an opportunity to grow in strength. I experienced support from others who were going through the same thing who listened to me, heard me, and empathized with me. That might have been the most impactful part becasue for years, I had felt alone and abandoned. The course literally changed my life. (Which is why I'm so passionate about it).

The hidden wound of betrayal trauma is not easily overcome, but it is overcomable. There is nowhere he can run where it won't follow, but if your husband is willing to do the work (regardless of the outcome of the marraige), he can experience healing and wholeness. Harboring Hope is a great way to jumpstart that healing. 

I am in the space place as your husband where I'm so overwhelmed with trauma that I'm confused and doubtful about everything. The main thing is that I have lost trust in everything including myself. It is like I'm stuck in the past and unable to move forward. I will agree with seeking pastoral support and leaning into my faith has been very helpful, if he is connected. You'll have to be willing to create safety for him in whatever ways he feels he needs (if it's within your capacity). And another thing to try possibly is ibogaine or ayahuasca. Psychedelics has been healing for so many. There must be some other trauma he is experiencing too, like I am, that has been kicked to the forefront for us. I hope you both find your way back to each other if that's what serves you both.

So sad to hear other men going through this nightmare. Not sure how divorces work but I know for me if this EMS course does not start to seriously reduce my intrusive thoughts then it may be my last resort.
I am 62 and dealing with this for years to come is not a option to me. Divorce to me at this time would be, I am done and will be expecting full no contact. My children will be told I have no desire to hear anything about my ex at least for a year or two so I can properly grieve her passing. All memories of her will cease to exist therefore in theory any intrusive thoughts will quickly be put away as there will be no reason to care about someone that is dead to me.
And that folks is a intrusive thought that I just wasted 6 hours of the rest of my life on.

Patrice, you are definitely NOT crazy. I know it feels that way at times. I felt like my husband's affairs transformed me into a different person I never wanted to be. Learning to create safety for myself and working through my own recovery and healing helped me to let go of resentment toward my spouse. As I did, he actually softened and started to hear some of the things I had been saying for years. It's amazing how choosing to prioritize my healing actually served as a catalyst for my spouse, as he observed the changes in me. One comment he made after that observation was that he had not respected me because it was clear I didn't respect myself. That stung a bit, but also pointed out to me that we teach others how to treat us, largely by how we treat ourselves. There is hope for a brighter future, free from fear and bitterness. I know because I wake up to it every day. Praying for you!

If you're interested in more information regarding betrayal trauma, I recommend you check out our videos with expert MJ Denis, an infidelity trauma specialist. 

Infidelity Trauma Part 1 - https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/infidelity-trauma-interview-specialist-part-1
Infidelity Trauma Part 2 - https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/infidelity-trauma-interview-specialist-part-2

This is an excellent suggestion! Thank you so much for taking the time to share it with us.

I’m a bit disappointed to see no response to this particular question, as I, too, was hoping to get some clarification.

Thank you for your comment. Let me see if I can clarify for you. If you're watching a movie or a show with your spouse and the betrayed experiences a trigger, it's natural to try not making a fuss and just keep watching, but this leaves the betrayed feeling isolated and uncared for. This can create further distance between spouses. So, press pause and take the opportunity to connect instead. You can do this by first naming the trigger. Discuss what memories it brings to the surface and how that makes you feel. Notice the things that are different about the two situations (i.e. the fictional narrative of the show vs. the real history you share). By taking control of the situation, you can allow it to become something that brings you together rather than driving you apart. And of course, if the betrayed spouse doesn't feel comfortable continuing with the program, turn it off and find something else you can both agree on.

I encourage you to press forward in community with people. Isolation kills recovery. We need each other to get through hard times, and you never know who might wind up being an amazing support for you. After one of my husband's affairs, I felt so alone. I had started at a new gym just a few months before d-day and after I found out, I was beside myself. Who to tell? All my friends were married to my husband's friends. I couldn't tell mine without involving his. I didn't want to put any kind of conflict into their marriages if they felt they had to take sides. One day, I was really struggling in the gym, but not because the weights were too heavy. I couldn't stop crying. My trainer was supportive and kind and I decided to tell her about my situation. I'd only known her a few months but she wound up being an amazing support to lean on and helped get me through one of the most difficult times in my life.

Harboring Hope was another catalyst and tool for healing. When I began, I didn't know if I would stay married. The great thing about Harboring Hope is that it's geared to help betrayed spouses heal - with or without their mate. The focus is on individual healing, not marital restoration. Regardless of whether I stayed married or not, I still needed to process the pain and heal from the trauma, otherwise it would sour everything else in my life. I'm so glad I did!

Thank you so much for taking the time to let us know this was helpful to you. Wholeness is absolutely available to you!