Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

The Brain’s Hidden Wound of Betrayal Trauma

Have you ever wondered: Why can't I just get over this? Do you feel like you're constantly re-living the betrayal, even when you don't want to? Intrusive thoughts keep coming back and won't seem to go away. One minute you are ready to cut ties and move on, the next you're ready to fight for your relationship and work it out. Later that same day, you are kicking yourself for being caught up in the exact same mental and emotional roller coaster, yet again. You deeply desire to understand what happened and why it happened but can't keep your heart rate down when you think or talk about it. You wish you could move on, but it seems like something is holding you back.

It can feel like you're going crazy but rest assured, you're not. Infidelity isn't just about broken trust; it can disrupt the way your brain processes emotions and memories. There is a physiological explanation for what might be happening in you through something called “betrayal trauma.” Understanding what it is and how to address it might be the key to setting you free to truly heal and recover. This week, our founder, Rick Reynolds, and EMSW contributing therapist, Leigh Ashley, look under the hood at what is really happening in the brain during and following trauma caused by infidelity.

If you are experiencing the effects of betrayal trauma, explore our courses for a proven path to healing, trusted by thousands to overcome the debilitating effects of betrayal trauma, including depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Join a community of others who understand, learn proven strategies, and find the support you need to build a stronger, healthier future.

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Dealing with trama

This video was very informative.

Infidelity

My husband’s affair was finally discovered a few years ago. He has shown little remorse & thinks that because he’s not cheating & trying not to flirt as much that he’s doing all he should. He continues to lie & one AP keeps calling & texting me & he told me she was his best friend. He was diagnosed as a narcissist. We have been together almost thirty yrs. He’s 76 & I’m 67.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know how painful that is. My husband swept things under the rug and tried "white knuckling" it for years, which only made the pain of his betrayal worse. I didn't want to be defined by the pain he caused, which is why I began to pursue my own healing and recovery. For the first eight months or so, I worked through my recovery whilst my husband continued living in denial and trying to forget his affairs had happened. I truly believed there was no hope he would ever change, but an amazing thing happened toward the end of my Harboring Hope course - my husband registered himself for Hope for Healing. It was the first step in his recovery. That was over six years ago and now he's like a different person. 

I certainly can't predict what your spouse will choose, but I know that if my spouse can change, there is hope for everyone! And I know that if my shattered heart could heal, there is hope for yours as well.

Thank you

It’s so nice to hear that you are healing and that your husband sought help too! I wish for this but my cheater chose divorce. I know he is just a wounded child but he has really hurt me and there is no excuse for treating me so poorly other than pure evil.

Confused

At about the 21min mark my husband and I got very confused. It sounds like they are describing when a trigger memory happens, replace it with how you wish it happened or how you wish you responded. Replacing true memories with false memories. Are we understanding this right? Can someone please clarify this?

Two things after watching

Two things after watching this....from my therapist (CSAT, licensed, etc) I have learned to not use the term "wayward," as it is inappropriate. The betrayer did not get lost in a snowstorm. I learned more accurate terms are "betrayer," or "cheater." And I also learned that indeed, it is appropriate and accurate if they take your injury "personally." Your injury is a result of their behavior and their choices. Not a random happening; there was nothing that fell from the sky and hurt your brain and body. What they did was not a result of anything mystical or magical. Facing it is not easy, but it can be done. Their is hope for healing. You can have a better, healthier life, with better, healthier people in your life. It will take work and time as you learn to value yourself, care for yourself, prioritize yourself, and surround yourself with only people who mean well for you. I am in a wonderful place now and my life is good, healthy and full of sane, caring people. You can have that, too.

That's a great question and

That's a great question, gsw, and we certainly want clarity around this issue. Rick and Leigh are talking about changing where the memory is stored in the brain.

Imagine you've cleaned out your house and are storing unused items from your home. You really want to keep your home streamlined and functional and don't want to let these unused items find their way back into the house where they're likely to cause clutter and disruption. You have two options: you can store the items in the garage, visible and easily within reach, or you can store them offsight in a storage facility where you don't have easy access. Which one will do the better job of helping you to maintain your newly decluttered home?

Trauma memories are stored in the garage, a little too easily accessible. Normal memories are stored at a storage facility. They're still yours, but you don't have to pass them every day as you go out to start your car.

The exercies mentioned help our brains to convert those trauma memories into normal hypocampal memories so that they can be stored properly instead of reliving them every time we're triggered.

I hope that helps! 

Very helpful, thank you!

Very helpful, thank you!

Amazing Video

This was such an amazing video. I (UH) just watched this together with my wife (BW), and we both got so much information about Betrayal Trauma, which is what she is going through, out of it. Thank you again.

I'm so glad it was helpful

I'm so glad it was helpful for you! A little information goes a long way in recovery. Especially when it's the right information at the right time. Your response fills my heart with joy.

Betrayal, trauma video

Needing suggestions or wondering if there’s still help even after we are divorced? I am the betrayer and my husband is still stuck and can’t get these intrusive thoughts out of his mind. The affair happened in 2017. He has filed for divorce two other times, but called it off. Now we’ve been in the divorce process for a year and it will be final in about two weeks. He has the following reasons for getting divorced and they pop up here and there over the period of time. One of them is he says there has to be a consequence, he admits that I’ve changed and done everything that I can but his latest comment is he wish that I would’ve put in a lot of this work 5+ years ago instead of the last few years, he recently said in the divorce proceeding meeting just last week that he just needs to get away to get his head straight. He is divorcing me and moving to a different state to be alone, we are also selling our home which has been the family home for the last 15 years. We have been married for 29 years and have three children ages 2021 and 25 still living at home.. he has done EMDR in the past. I think he’s at his wits end and doesn’t know what else to do and thinks that by divorcing me and moving away from this area the triggers will go away. He also said some encouraging things like if God wants us to get back together then we will. he also said that if he wants to come back in six months, he doesn’t know if I will take him back. He has also said he could be making the biggest mistake of his life. And he also said he can’t guarantee how he will feel once he’s divorced. It sounds to me that he has doubt about all of this, but he doesn’t know what else to do. There’s no stopping the divorce this time, but I wondered if I could at least send him off with some good recommendations for healing his trauma. He told our counselor that he still wakes up every morning and goes to bed every night, thinking about my affair partner and our affair please give any help or advice i.

Celebrate Recovery

Celebrate Recovery has been the best tool I've done to heal. Learning to Let Go and Let God have the betrayal and you was so helpful. But also leaning to keep boundaries and the consequences means everything. Also, the books by Lysa Terquerst. And honestly the book Leave A Cheater Gain A Life was a huge help to see and understand toxic cheating behaviors.

sending good thoughts

I am in the same position as you - my husband won't have therapy and is leaving to get space. We are 18 months post DD and 10 months since trickle truth of details of the start of the affair. I can't do anymore - I've done therapy but he cannot get over what i did, when i did it (he was low and needed me after an accident) and who i did it with.
Hopefully the reality of leaving will help your husband see what he is losing - that happened to me when DD occurred. I saw the pain and devastation i'd caused to someone i didn't think even cared about me anymore.

Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your story, Beth G. That's such a hard place to be in and it takes courage to be open and honest. I was stuck for years after my husband's first affair. I lived in a state of hypervigilance, constantly checking and triple checking my environment to ensure my safety. Any time there was silence, my mind would race with intrusive thougths so I surrvived by keeping my brain in a constant state of distraction - loud music, TV in the background, etc. Trying to fall asleep was the worst and for years, I would lay for hours, fighting my own internal battle before I finally drifted off, completely exhausted. I also experienced horrifically graphic nightmares nearly every night so I developed extreme anxiety about going to sleep. The only way I could manage was to either play Christian music or a devotional - again, distracting my brain. By the end of four and a half years, I felt like a different person. Whereas I was once organized and structured, I found myself getting by by the seat of my pants. Whereas I was once a multitasker, I found I couldn't even hold a conversation with my kid while writing my own name. Whereas I was once strong and confident, I found I had become weak and codependent.

I understand your husband's struggle. Betryal trauma is not often given the weight it deserves and I'm not sure that those of us who suffer from it even recognize it for what it is. It becomes our new normal and feels like it will never end. But it can end. In 2018, after my husband's last affair, I got into therapy and a few months later, I began the Harboring Hope course. I learned that I wasn't alone. I learned that there was a name for what I was experiencing and with that name, hope for a better future for myself. I learned that weakness was an opportunity to grow in strength. I experienced support from others who were going through the same thing who listened to me, heard me, and empathized with me. That might have been the most impactful part becasue for years, I had felt alone and abandoned. The course literally changed my life. (Which is why I'm so passionate about it).

The hidden wound of betrayal trauma is not easily overcome, but it is overcomable. There is nowhere he can run where it won't follow, but if your husband is willing to do the work (regardless of the outcome of the marraige), he can experience healing and wholeness. Harboring Hope is a great way to jumpstart that healing. 

The shockwaves seem never ending

Thank you for sharing your positive experience with HH. I’ve been considering it. The emotional pain and toll is staggering. I relate to the brain damage caused by the betrayal trauma you have described. I’m furious that he caused this trauma, he promised to cherish me!!
My remorse-less, unsympathetic X-fake husband minimizes the trauma too, along with the fact of how his choices have caused a full family breakdown. He says “it’s been a hard year” for him too (violins) (I guess he expected me and his kids to be as happy for him as his girlfriend/adultery partner??).

Honestly, I can't recommend

Honestly, I can't recommend Harboring Hope enough. It changed my life. I didn't know at the time if I would stay married, but I knew I didn't want to live the rest of my life broken. You can find out more about Harboring Hope here: https://affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope.

I am in the space place as

I am in the space place as your husband where I'm so overwhelmed with trauma that I'm confused and doubtful about everything. The main thing is that I have lost trust in everything including myself. It is like I'm stuck in the past and unable to move forward. I will agree with seeking pastoral support and leaning into my faith has been very helpful, if he is connected. You'll have to be willing to create safety for him in whatever ways he feels he needs (if it's within your capacity). And another thing to try possibly is ibogaine or ayahuasca. Psychedelics has been healing for so many. There must be some other trauma he is experiencing too, like I am, that has been kicked to the forefront for us. I hope you both find your way back to each other if that's what serves you both.

Male perspective

So sad to hear other men going through this nightmare. Not sure how divorces work but I know for me if this EMS course does not start to seriously reduce my intrusive thoughts then it may be my last resort.
I am 62 and dealing with this for years to come is not a option to me. Divorce to me at this time would be, I am done and will be expecting full no contact. My children will be told I have no desire to hear anything about my ex at least for a year or two so I can properly grieve her passing. All memories of her will cease to exist therefore in theory any intrusive thoughts will quickly be put away as there will be no reason to care about someone that is dead to me.
And that folks is a intrusive thought that I just wasted 6 hours of the rest of my life on.

I'm so very sorry to hear

I'm so very sorry to hear about your intense battle with intrusive thoughts. They can be debilitating. During the first or second week of Harboring Hope, my group leader provided us with a number of ways to combat intrusive thoughts and some of them helped me. Petting dogs was one of them. I didn't have a dog at the time so I volunteered at a local animal shelter, walking dogs a few days a week. Breathing exercises were also helpful so I started doing yoga - something I still do daily (albeit very poorly). Finding the things that help your mind to stop racing and reset is very beneficial in recovery. There are also therapist led options like EMDR and ETT, which I would highly encourage you to check out. 

Confused and lost

Hi Beth. I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. I would like to help. Being the betrayed spouse myself, the challenge to heal is tremendous. I understand your husbands challenges, first hand. There is so much happening on the inside of a person, both sides. My wife and I have had quite a challenge navigating journey that I would never recommend someone take. Best advice I have found... Make no big decisions while in an emotional state... Get all the help you can get, don't limit yourself. Unfortunately, if he has truly had enough, then the tough part is accepting. Something you mentioned, "he could be making the biggest mistake of his life", and that tells me he is crying out for help, wanting the pain to stop. His rumination about the AP and what happened during that season, is unfortunately normal. Different things I have discovered, brain spotting, meditation, focus on the love you two had before, finding gratefulness. Things I personally struggled with, not feeling my wife was pursuing me, her time of self healing and avoidance made it treacherous. But holding space for her knowing that her inner self has a huge task of growing and healing. I believe he is struggling with comparison, the life he believed he had vs what was. At the end of the day, if he truly wants to go, he needs to know that he will hurt anyway. Choose his hard. Sending prayers to both of you.

The Brain’s Hidden Wound video

I have been watching the videos from AR for quite a few years. This one was particularly helpful for me. I have been dealing with multiple infidelities of my husband for over 15 years as well as financial difficulties which kept me from feeling safe and secure within the marriage. I have issues with bitterness and resentment and yet have been unable to bring myself to leave after 50 years of marriage. I’m hoping to forward this video to him to help him understand why I am not healing as I should. Have seen lots of therapists but most are not experts in this area. Thank you for your help from afar. It makes me feel a little less like I’m crazy.

Patrice, you are definitely

Patrice, you are definitely NOT crazy. I know it feels that way at times. I felt like my husband's affairs transformed me into a different person I never wanted to be. Learning to create safety for myself and working through my own recovery and healing helped me to let go of resentment toward my spouse. As I did, he actually softened and started to hear some of the things I had been saying for years. It's amazing how choosing to prioritize my healing actually served as a catalyst for my spouse, as he observed the changes in me. One comment he made after that observation was that he had not respected me because it was clear I didn't respect myself. That stung a bit, but also pointed out to me that we teach others how to treat us, largely by how we treat ourselves. There is hope for a brighter future, free from fear and bitterness. I know because I wake up to it every day. Praying for you!

If you're interested in more information regarding betrayal trauma, I recommend you check out our videos with expert MJ Denis, an infidelity trauma specialist. 

Infidelity Trauma Part 1 - https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/infidelity-trauma-interview-specialist-part-1
Infidelity Trauma Part 2 - https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/infidelity-trauma-interview-specialist-part-2

Mad hatters

If you do this again I'd love you two to address how to handle betrayal trauma if both spouses are both betrayed and unfaithful.

This is an excellent

This is an excellent suggestion! Thank you so much for taking the time to share it with us.

Question about triggers during a movie

Very informative video, one of the best AR has done in my opinion. My husband and I were trying to understand the part where you talk about triggers during a movie where you name what you see (labeling), making meaning according to goals and care for each other, and processing together. Can you please give an example of this process?

Isolation

Thank you for mentioning isolation and the trauma therapies at the end. I don’t want to be isolated but it’s an empty nester stage, my Mom died and the extended family on the cheater’s side has estranged themselves—“blood is thicker”. My world is upside down and I’m alone. I go to church but it feels like I don’t fit anymore and it’s so sad to go alone I don’t want to go. I go to support groups but those are new relationships and not people I can depend on regularly until we know each other better. I’d like to try HH but all the talk of reconnecting reconciliation and doing couples work does not fit my situation. He left. He divorced me. He has a new partner. He was also abusive so I don’t like entertaining the fantasy of his return. I’ve learned a lot from your materials and appreciate what you share.

I encourage you to press

I encourage you to press forward in community with people. Isolation kills recovery. We need each other to get through hard times, and you never know who might wind up being an amazing support for you. After one of my husband's affairs, I felt so alone. I had started at a new gym just a few months before d-day and after I found out, I was beside myself. Who to tell? All my friends were married to my husband's friends. I couldn't tell mine without involving his. I didn't want to put any kind of conflict into their marriages if they felt they had to take sides. One day, I was really struggling in the gym, but not because the weights were too heavy. I couldn't stop crying. My trainer was supportive and kind and I decided to tell her about my situation. I'd only known her a few months but she wound up being an amazing support to lean on and helped get me through one of the most difficult times in my life.

Harboring Hope was another catalyst and tool for healing. When I began, I didn't know if I would stay married. The great thing about Harboring Hope is that it's geared to help betrayed spouses heal - with or without their mate. The focus is on individual healing, not marital restoration. Regardless of whether I stayed married or not, I still needed to process the pain and heal from the trauma, otherwise it would sour everything else in my life. I'm so glad I did!

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas