Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Who I Should (and Shouldn't) Tell About the Affair

Who should you tell about the infidelity? Who shouldn't you? Why or why not?

This topic comes up at least once a week when I'm speaking with people just like you.

Some people will rush out and tell everyone and their mother, while others suffer in silence, afraid to tell a single soul.

No matter which side of the affair you are on, we suggest finding some middle ground. Pause, and consider what you need right now, and consider who can provide that for you. Let me share my personal experience of who I told and how THAT went, as well as relay some expert advice on how to navigate what can be a very anxiety-producing decision.

There were a couple friends, a doctor, and a priest. No, that's not the start of a joke. That's the order of who I told about the infidelity.

I decided quickly that I was going to wait on telling our family. (My husband certainly didn't feel like telling our family.) I was barely able to keep myself standing, let alone having to deal with them processing what I assumed would be devastating information.

So, how did it go when I told the friends, a doctor, and a priest?

First, My Friends

The ones I told rushed to join "Team Candace." One of my girlfriends was genuinely empathetic and supportive, while another was treating it like the latest and greatest reality TV show. Every time I saw her, it was like she couldn't wait to tune in for the next juicy episode. It was much more: "Did you find any other pictures?" and "When are you going to tell the affair partner's husband ev-ery-thing?" and way less: "How are you feeling? What can I do to help you?"

Up Next, My Doctor

Having no clue how to bring infidelity up to someone who normally sees me for pain in my left knee and the occasional sinus infection, I decided to just blurt it out—within 10 seconds of him entering the room. My doctor stared at me in silence for what felt like a very uncomfortable amount of time. He then typed something quickly on his laptop and said, "Let me know if you think you need a psych eval" and left the room as if it were on fire.

The nurse came into the room 90 seconds later and handed me a printout of my patient summary. My doctor had typed, "Husband cheated, check for STDs." I walked out of that room feeling like an abused and abandoned dog that someone discarded on the side of the road.

Last, Our Priest

Out of all the people I told, my husband could not wait for me to tell our Priest. This is because my husband was convinced that our Priest would immediately send me on a first-class guilt trip for considering a divorce. I was the one who willingly stood in that church 20 years ago and agreed to stay married through the good times AND the bad, my husband thought the Priest would say.

Well, my husband gambled and lost on that prediction. The moment I finished giving our priest the two-minute version of my drama and trauma, he closed his gaping jaw and without hesitation, told me to get an annulment. If you're not familiar, that is where the Catholic Church agrees to hit the reset button and give you a marital do over.

Our Priest didn't personally offer help nor even suggest anyone or anything that could help me, my husband, or my kids. He just gave me his permission to pull the plug on my marriage, so I could go out and find a new husband.

It Was Time

Right around the 10-month mark, I experienced my 4th D Day (Discovery Day) That means there were new breaches of trust—new affair activity brought to light. I decided the 4th D Day was my final D Day. It was a sign that it was time to tell our family.

We started with our kids: We put a tremendous amount of thought and planning into how, when, where, and what we were going to tell our then, 17-year-old twins. Looking back, I am profoundly grateful that we invested in expert guidance that was tailored to our personal situation before having that conversation with our teenage children.

We met virtually with one of the clinical professionals who facilitates Affair Recovery's EMS Weekend. He scripted the entire conversation for us and even gave suggestions of where my husband and I should sit in the room in order to create a united front. He also provided us with age-appropriate and situationally sensitive verbiage to help us navigate these incredibly painful and uncharted parental waters.

Let me interrupt myself for a moment...and tell you that after working for Affair Recovery for almost 3 years, I am now very aware of the wide range of responses that can come from family.

This is a volatile and difficult time.

We told our families next: I'd give the adults in our family a solid 2 out of 5 stars. They did not have a drastic response like what might have happened to some of you. Unlike my friends, my family did NOT make the assumption that the marriage was over and my husband wasn't welcome in their homes or lives ever again.

For the most part, their responses swung in the complete opposite direction and sounded much more like: Candace, it sounds like he's really sorry. You have a nice house, and you drive a nice car. You're not going to be able to keep either one if you get divorced.

From that point on, it was as if I never even told them.

While in the short term, that made life much easier on my husband and me because they said normal things like, "So, what time should we come over for dinner on Christmas Eve?" Their lack of what I thought would be a more appropriate visceral reaction to the devastating news of the affair left me to interpret that they didn't think it was that big of a deal, and I should continue living happily NEVER AFTER in my facade of "my nice life."

In full transparency, I didn't even begin to unpack just how much that hurt me until around the 2-year mark. That was when it hit me like a brick.

No one threw down for me. No one.

I went on to work with two different therapists who eventually were able to help me understand that while my family and friends' responses were lacking, those might have been the best responses they had to give.

Not everyone comes equipped with high levels of emotional intelligence, and to hold people to the standard as if they do is nothing but a waste of time (and heart). One therapist explained to me, "They might have treated you like it was okay because THEY were incapable of dealing with the fact that it was NOT okay. Whatever go-to coping skills they have in their little emotional toolbox, in this case, pretending normal and avoidance, are going to be their coping skills of choice."

For those of you who shared what is undoubtedly the most sensitive piece of information you've ever shared, and you were mishandled by friends, family, and maybe even by a priest, pastor or other professional, I am so incredibly sorry.

You Deserved Better.

The complicated reality is that some people are safer to share with than others. You cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube. We can control who we choose to tell, but we cannot control their response.

Let me say that again for the people in the back. We can control who we choose to tell, but we cannot control their response.

I cannot tell you how much I wish I had some type of chart or graph that gave very specific guidance like: "Tell you best friend but not your siblings," or "Tell your dad but not your mom." Unfortunately, none of this is nearly that black and white.

What Do the Experts Say?

Okay, I promised to share the expert advice, so here goes: When deciding whether to confide in someone close to you, ask yourself: Have I ever seen them handle very sensitive and private information before? Did they treat this fragile information with grace and compassion, or with gossip and disregard? Were they empathetic, sympathetic, or neither?

Now, if you're wondering: Wait—aren't empathy and sympathy the same thing? Nope! I used to think so too. Here's the difference: Sympathy is standing at a distance and saying, "I'm so sorry. How awful for you."

Empathy is stepping up and stepping in, saying, "How about I bring you dinner tonight? Does Thai sound good, or would you prefer Italian?" "I can cover your carpool so you can go to therapy after work." Or it might even sound like, "I have no idea what to say, but I'm here to listen for as long and as often as you need."

More questions to ask yourself before deciding whether to share: Have they been through something similar or at least comparably traumatic? If so, how did they come out on the other side? Are they going to find out in another way, and you'd rather they hear it from you?

Do you think they'll be capable of staying impartial and not choosing sides or "shoulding" on you. Yes, I said should-ing, as in saying something like, "You should just leave him or her," or "You should decide right now if you're going to stay or leave," "You should stay together and work it out."

No One Has a Manual for This

Remember, just as you weren't given a manual on how to navigate the aftermath of the grenade called infidelity, neither were your friends or family! Some may rise to the occasion with genuine love and unconditional support. Others might struggle to find the right words or reactions.

At Affair Recovery, we believe it's best to tell those who can relate but not feel compelled to fix it for you nor tell you what you should do. That's why every course we offer places you in a safe, supportive, small group. All of our online courses are led by a trained group leader, while our EMS Weekend retreats are facilitated by a team of clinical professionals.

If you would like to learn more about how we can help, please schedule a free 20-minute appointment with an Intake Specialist today. We look forward to speaking with you!

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Something to think about

When this happened to me, I chose to keep it between my husband and I for a few weeks. Then we told our adult children, all of whom were very supportive (though shocked), and each pulled me aside to explain that while they loved us both, they would support me in whatever decision I made. After that, I told my family and my husband told his siblings. We both wanted their support because we had not decided yet if we would try to repair the relationship.

Have they been through something similar or at least comparably traumatic? I also chose to tell 2 friends who I knew had experienced infidelity. I will say that, while they're experience was helpful as they could relate to the excruciating pain I was in, in both cases they drew similarities to their own experiences, which after a time became frustrating. Both their relationships ended after multiple affairs, and neither could imagine continuing in the relationship. If this occurs, you may have to take a step back and consider their advice is based on their experience and every situation is different. Please just bear this in mind when you're speaking to other Infidelity Survivors.

I decided to stop being complicit in lies

I chose to not cover up or whitewash anything. He betrayed and emotionally abused me for over 3 decades with some amazingly awful people; alcoholics, criminals, prostitutes. We did the 13 week online course. He lied the whole way through. If folks asked me what was going on, I answered truthfully. I did not give random people the whole long, ugly tale, but I did not lie.I calmly told them he had betrayed me and emotionally abused me for the entire time I knew him. It was stunning, as he had so clearly "married up." It made my life so much easier, and yes, it was awkward for him. Not my problem. Thankfully, he is long gone, and my life is very good and healthy now. I rarely read on this site, but wanted folks to know that they do not have to continue to buy lies or be complicit in lies. Truth was so much easier and better for me.

Thank you for commenting on

Thank you for commenting on this post. I am so happy to hear that you are doing well. We are so sorry for everything you went through. Please feel free to reach out to us at support@hope-now.com.

Thank you for sharing this

Thank you for sharing this with us! Excellent point about sharing with others that our stories, perspectives, and situations are unique.

That is such wisdom, thank

That is such wisdom, thank you. The betrayal one feels when the people you think will be there for you cheering you on end up giving the worst advice and frankly, not caring. I had it happen during a divorce from my ex who was arrested on domestic violence (who also gave me STDs from cheating), and after being cheated on by both my partners after I left that marriage (one of which whom also gave me an STD). Most doctors, friend, family and lawyers and others one would hope will be there like rocks in the times of need show genuine concern. I've come to recognize that it is truly a painful realization that I have chosen these relationships because of my own self esteem issues, and that I don't need anyone's support or validation. The upside is the spiritual growth that happens after such devastation. I recognize that I can survive, and have--over and over.

Candace

This was an excellent piece of help from Candace! Thank you so much for all that you do at Affair Recovery. It has quite literally helped to save my marriage 🫶🏼
+ 6 years now 🙏🏻🙌🏻🌞

This made my heart BEAM!!!!!

This made my heart BEAM!!!!! We love what we do! We will always be here for you!

We are so glad you enjoyed

We are so glad you enjoyed this piece. My heart goes out to you! Please feel free to contact us at support@hope-now.com. We are here for you!

Thanks for this, it

Thanks for this, it acknowledges what most betrayed people find out - that their friendships are not able to cope with the horror of what has happened to them. I like what the therapist acknowledged about us being able to control who we tell but not how they react.

I will be honest that I struggle tho as in my experience (3+ years from discovery) all the online help sites that I visit have treated a betrayed partner's desire to keep things secret as 'bad'. I have found no understanding of how important it can be for someone betrayed to not have everyone know how awfully their husband/wife treated them.
It is so humiliating to even think about anyone knowing that the husband you trusted more than anyone else, couldn't even be bothered to be either faithful to you, or then to be honest about having been unfaithful to you. People knowing how little love and respect your husband had for you is so humiliating. I know for myself I wouldn't be able to lift my head up if I had to live the rest of my life with people knowing how he treated me. I want to live my own life, not with people seeing me as a victim, or someone who just wasn't enough for him to choose faithfulness over temptation. It's so hard people assuming there must have been coldness or distance in the marriage, or that both sides are involved and guilty in an affair, when the reality is one person was pretending masterfully while the other gave their heart and body willingly and vulnerably not knowing they were being made to live in a web of lies. Being used.

I also found it interesting reading this 'At Affair Recovery, we believe it's best to tell those who can relate but not feel compelled to fix it for you nor tell you what you should do.' As this sounds good, but up til now on AR websites and articles, I have felt very strongly that the message is 'this marriage can be fixed', 'you can have a better marriage than ever', 'you will laugh about all this within a year or so' etc etc and 'very sadly, some marriages don't manage to make it'. So the emphasis is on it's sad that some people divorce after unfaithfulness. That is putting pressure on people. That is telling people what they should do. These articles for years have been almost gaslighting people into believing any other response other than staying is wrong, and unfortunate and sad and not what it should be.
Rather than acknowlegding that for the betrayed partner, there are lifelong consequences of infidelity that nothing will ever take away.

We appreciate you taking the

We appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. Please consider making a free 20-minute appointment with an intake specialist. We would love to speak with you!

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas