Who should you tell about the infidelity? Who shouldn't you? Why or why not?

This topic comes up at least once a week when I'm speaking with people just like you.

Some people will rush out and tell everyone and their mother, while others suffer in silence, afraid to tell a single soul.

No matter which side of the affair you are on, we suggest finding some middle ground. Pause, and consider what you need right now, and consider who can provide that for you. Let me share my personal experience of who I told and how THAT went, as well as relay some expert advice on how to navigate what can be a very anxiety-producing decision.

There were a couple friends, a doctor, and a priest. No, that's not the start of a joke. That's the order of who I told about the infidelity.

I decided quickly that I was going to wait on telling our family. (My husband certainly didn't feel like telling our family.) I was barely able to keep myself standing, let alone having to deal with them processing what I assumed would be devastating information.

So, how did it go when I told the friends, a doctor, and a priest?

First, My Friends

The ones I told rushed to join "Team Candace." One of my girlfriends was genuinely empathetic and supportive, while another was treating it like the latest and greatest reality TV show. Every time I saw her, it was like she couldn't wait to tune in for the next juicy episode. It was much more: "Did you find any other pictures?" and "When are you going to tell the affair partner's husband ev-ery-thing?" and way less: "How are you feeling? What can I do to help you?"

Up Next, My Doctor

Having no clue how to bring infidelity up to someone who normally sees me for pain in my left knee and the occasional sinus infection, I decided to just blurt it out—within 10 seconds of him entering the room. My doctor stared at me in silence for what felt like a very uncomfortable amount of time. He then typed something quickly on his laptop and said, "Let me know if you think you need a psych eval" and left the room as if it were on fire.

The nurse came into the room 90 seconds later and handed me a printout of my patient summary. My doctor had typed, "Husband cheated, check for STDs." I walked out of that room feeling like an abused and abandoned dog that someone discarded on the side of the road.

Last, Our Priest

Out of all the people I told, my husband could not wait for me to tell our Priest. This is because my husband was convinced that our Priest would immediately send me on a first-class guilt trip for considering a divorce. I was the one who willingly stood in that church 20 years ago and agreed to stay married through the good times AND the bad, my husband thought the Priest would say.

Well, my husband gambled and lost on that prediction. The moment I finished giving our priest the two-minute version of my drama and trauma, he closed his gaping jaw and without hesitation, told me to get an annulment. If you're not familiar, that is where the Catholic Church agrees to hit the reset button and give you a marital do over.

Our Priest didn't personally offer help nor even suggest anyone or anything that could help me, my husband, or my kids. He just gave me his permission to pull the plug on my marriage, so I could go out and find a new husband.

It Was Time

Right around the 10-month mark, I experienced my 4^th D Day (Discovery Day) That means there were new breaches of trust—new affair activity brought to light. I decided the 4th D Day was my final D Day. It was a sign that it was time to tell our family.

We started with our kids: We put a tremendous amount of thought and planning into how, when, where, and what we were going to tell our then, 17-year-old twins. Looking back, I am profoundly grateful that we invested in expert guidance that was tailored to our personal situation before having that conversation with our teenage children.

We met virtually with one of the clinical professionals who facilitates Affair Recovery's EMS Weekend. He scripted the entire conversation for us and even gave suggestions of where my husband and I should sit in the room in order to create a united front. He also provided us with age-appropriate and situationally sensitive verbiage to help us navigate these incredibly painful and uncharted parental waters.

Let me interrupt myself for a moment...and tell you that after working for Affair Recovery for almost 3 years, I am now very aware of the wide range of responses that can come from family.

We told our families next: I'd give the adults in our family a solid 2 out of 5 stars. They did not have a drastic response like what might have happened to some of you. Unlike my friends, my family did NOT make the assumption that the marriage was over and my husband wasn't welcome in their homes or lives ever again.

For the most part, their responses swung in the complete opposite direction and sounded much more like: Candace, it sounds like he's really sorry. You have a nice house, and you drive a nice car. You're not going to be able to keep either one if you get divorced.

From that point on, it was as if I never even told them.

While in the short term, that made life much easier on my husband and me because they said normal things like, "So, what time should we come over for dinner on Christmas Eve?" Their lack of what I thought would be a more appropriate visceral reaction to the devastating news of the affair left me to interpret that they didn't think it was that big of a deal, and I should continue living happily NEVER AFTER in my facade of "my nice life."

In full transparency, I didn't even begin to unpack just how much that hurt me until around the 2-year mark. That was when it hit me like a brick.

No one threw down for me. No one.

I went on to work with two different therapists who eventually were able to help me understand that while my family and friends' responses were lacking, those might have been the best responses they had to give.

Not everyone comes equipped with high levels of emotional intelligence, and to hold people to the standard as if they do is nothing but a waste of time (and heart). One therapist explained to me, "They might have treated you like it was okay because THEY were incapable of dealing with the fact that it was NOT okay. Whatever go-to coping skills they have in their little emotional toolbox, in this case, pretending normal and avoidance, are going to be their coping skills of choice."

For those of you who shared what is undoubtedly the most sensitive piece of information you've ever shared, and you were mishandled by friends, family, and maybe even by a priest, pastor or other professional, I am so incredibly sorry.

The complicated reality is that some people are safer to share with than others. You cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube. We can control who we choose to tell, but we cannot control their response.

Let me say that again for the people in the back. We can control who we choose to tell, but we cannot control their response.

I cannot tell you how much I wish I had some type of chart or graph that gave very specific guidance like: "Tell you best friend but not your siblings," or "Tell your dad but not your mom." Unfortunately, none of this is nearly that black and white.

What Do the Experts Say?

Okay, I promised to share the expert advice, so here goes: When deciding whether to confide in someone close to you, ask yourself: Have I ever seen them handle very sensitive and private information before? Did they treat this fragile information with grace and compassion, or with gossip and disregard? Were they empathetic, sympathetic, or neither?

Now, if you're wondering: Wait—aren't empathy and sympathy the same thing? Nope! I used to think so too. Here's the difference: Sympathy is standing at a distance and saying, "I'm so sorry. How awful for you."

Empathy is stepping up and stepping in, saying, "How about I bring you dinner tonight? Does Thai sound good, or would you prefer Italian?" "I can cover your carpool so you can go to therapy after work." Or it might even sound like, "I have no idea what to say, but I'm here to listen for as long and as often as you need."

More questions to ask yourself before deciding whether to share: Have they been through something similar or at least comparably traumatic? If so, how did they come out on the other side? Are they going to find out in another way, and you'd rather they hear it from you?

Do you think they'll be capable of staying impartial and not choosing sides or "shoulding" on you. Yes, I said should-ing, as in saying something like, "You should just leave him or her," or "You should decide right now if you're going to stay or leave," "You should stay together and work it out."

No One Has a Manual for This

Remember, just as you weren't given a manual on how to navigate the aftermath of the grenade called infidelity, neither were your friends or family! Some may rise to the occasion with genuine love and unconditional support. Others might struggle to find the right words or reactions.

At Affair Recovery, we believe it's best to tell those who can relate but not feel compelled to fix it for you nor tell you what you should do. That's why every course we offer places you in a safe, supportive, small group. All of our online courses are led by a trained group leader, while our EMS Weekend retreats are facilitated by a team of clinical professionals.

If you would like to learn more about how we can help, please schedule a free 20-minute appointment with an Intake Specialist today. We look forward to speaking with you!