Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Intrusive Thoughts After the Affair: How to Manage Flooding

Do you want to help your mate move beyond the pain of betrayal after the affair? It was certainly important to me, but initially my responses to Stephanie’s pain only made things worse.  Eventually I was able to realize when Stephanie was emotionally flooded, and quickly learned that in those moments I couldn’t necessarily make things better, but I could certainly make things worse.

Dealing with intrusive thoughts and painful triggers is critical in surviving infidelity. The emotional flooding accompanying the trauma of infidelity can be crippling for the betrayed spouse, so it’s vital that the unfaithful spouse know the appropriate responses to help their mate.

In previous newsletters on Post Traumatic Infidelity Syndrome I’ve explained the chemical and physiological realities of what happens when triggers and emotional flooding begins. A few tell-tale signs your mate may be flooding are rage, verbal abuse, physical abuse, fight or flight mentality, marathon questioning sessions, threatening, sudden changes in decisions (such as demanding their mate pack up their stuff and get out even though they’ve previously been committed to working on the relationship), and other highly charged reactions.  As mentioned in Intrusive Thoughts After the Affair: The #1 Obstacle to Recovery, when emotionally flooded, the individual is in a survival state and not necessarily rational. For individuals impacted by infidelity, part of their new reality inevitably includes flashbacks, triggers and intrusive thoughts. Surviving infidelity is dependent on learning how to cope with this reality.

What not to do:

John walked through the door after work to find his three children watching TV and no sign of his wife. He found Kathy in the bedroom, strewn across the bed and sobbing into her hands. Tentatively he said, “I see you’re having a bad day. I’m going to take the kids out to get pizza and I’ll bring something back for you.” Then he closed the door, grabbed the kids, and headed out for pizza.

While John’s response wasn’t the worst, there are others that may have been more helpful. Witnessing the pain or anger of someone who is flooding can be overwhelming. There is a continuum of negative responses the unfaithful spouse tends to make, ranging from ignoring their mate’s hurt to the other extreme of trying to manipulate and control through the use of anger, defensiveness or blaming.

 

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Ignoring the pain
Using Pain to Manipulate/Control

While John didn’t totally ignore Kathy’s pain he certainly avoided dealing with it by grabbing the kids and getting out of the house.

Common responses that make things worse are:

Giving Assurance:  Don’t try to soothe or quiet your mate by making empty promises they have no reason to believe. “It won’t happen again,” “Everything will be OK,” or “Nothing happened today, you don’t need to be concerned,” are all examples of attempting to assure your mate. When your mate is flooding, in their mind everything is not okay. Telling them that it will be okay only escalates the situation as their mind starts to race and they begin to let you know their reality. Instead, listen to them and work your program. Actions speak far louder than words.

Trying to control or manage their response: As mentioned in previous articles, when someone is emotionally flooded they are in survival mode and won’t be rational. Trying to reason with them or manage their response will usually result in things getting worse. Listen to what they are saying. If things are unsafe, take a time out rather than trying to control them.

Self-depreciation: When you move into shame or guilt you make it all about you, and there’s a good chance when you make it all about you it will only escalate the flooding. Stay in a position of being concerned for them. The greatest gift you can give them is to take responsibility for your actions, forgive yourself and instead be concerned with helping them heal.  It may seem cliché or even callous, but don’t let it become just about you;  remember that they are the ones sacrificing everything to work through this pain that they didn’t cause, so keep their healing paramount in your mind.   Your own time will come, but initially you’ll need to work on being safe for them to share their hurt and pain. 

Trying to correct how they see things (defensiveness): The primary trigger for defensiveness is when you’re told what you did, why you did it and how you felt about it. There is an automatic desire to correct their thinking. This is always perceived as defensiveness. Remember when someone is flooded it’s about survival, and defensiveness will always make things worse. Instead of trying to explain try to understand how they are seeing things.

Pretending like everything is okay when they are clearly upset: It may seem that ignoring the problem is going help if your mate is flooded, but the opposite is true. If you can’t be safe while they flood then things will continue to spin out of control. Ask if they’re okay and if they need to talk. If they don’t want to talk they’ll let you know, but to avoid showing concern for them (as John did in our scenario) only creates the impression you don’t care or that your own comfort is more important than their healing. 

Judgment: Over the course of recovery, you’ll have to accept that you don’t know what’s good and what’s bad. In all honesty it’s your own perceptions and choices that got you here in the first place. Why should your spouse believe that now you know what’s best? Humility goes a long way in helping your mate feel you’re safe. The best definition of humility is “I can’t,” and the best definition of wisdom is “I don’t know.” Letting your mate know you are open to gaining a deeper understanding of their pain and that you don’t know all the answers, but you’re going to do everything you can to find those answers, goes a long way to giving your mate hope.

Directing your mate how they should talk to you: This is all about making it more comfortable for you, which I can promise is not at the top of their to-do list when they are flooding.  It’s okay to ask, but telling them what to do or how to speak to make it easier for you it is inherently all about you, and will only increases the probability of escalation. Instead, consider how you might alter your responses to make it easier for your mate.

Telling them you know how they feel: In reality it’s impossible to fully understand how they feel. Most unfaithful spouses have no idea what it feels like to be betrayed, and trying to pretend that you do is usually an attempt to short-circuit empathy and quiet your betrayed spouse. Instead of jumping straight to empty phrases like “I know how you feel,” try truly listening to the words they use to describe their pain.

Shaming them: After the flood has passed, you may be tempted to remind them how they acted while flooding, not out of loving concern, but as a way to shame them and to try to prevent the same behavior in the future: That still makes it about you and your comfort rather than maintaining compassion and genuine concern. Broaching the subject of their flooding and what happened because of your concern for them is one thing, but trying to manage their behavior only prolongs recovery.

Being a positive force in your mate’s recovery begins by accepting them where they are at and being genuinely concerned about their emotional state. It’s not about trying to get them to understand you.  As you pursue recovery, there will come a day when the concerns of the unfaithful will be addressed, but not till flooding can be first understood and soothed.

Responses that help are:

Try to call a time out:  Once someone is emotionally flooded it’s impossible to be rational. If at all possible call a time out. If emotional flooding is an issue come up with a protocol for calling a timeout before hand. That agreement will at least give you opportunity to stop the potential damage.

Agreement: Rather than telling your mate what’s wrong with what they’re saying, which is seen as defensiveness, find what’s right and tell them they’re right. Your ability to take responsibility for whatever they say that is true will help stop the escalation. Even if it’s only 5% true, take responsibility for the five percent and don’t try to correct the other 95%. This is a huge exercise in humility, and it will be incredibly helpful for your spouse.

Appreciation: Recognize the sacrifice your mate is making by still being with you. Let them know you appreciate the fact they are still with you and are trying to work through this. Acknowledging that you appreciate their effort and sacrifice is a huge gift. It goes a long way to encourage them to keep up their struggle with the emotional flooding.

Seek to understand: Listen, listen and then listen some more. Do your best to understand their feelings. One of Stephanie’s cues for me when she was flooded was to ask, “How loud do I have to get for you to hear me?” It was at that point that I knew it was time to listen rather trying to get her to understand me. Making the effort to first understand them gets the focus off of you and onto what you can do to help them heal.

Ask if they want to talk about it: Rather than pretending normal, if it’s clear they are struggling, ask them if they’d like to talk. If they’re not interested they’ll let you know, but the fact that you’re open to talking to them lets them know you’re concerned for them.

Be a safe vessel for anger: When someone is flooded, one of the greatest gifts you can give is to be a safe vessel for anger. (This is not the same as allowing someone to be physically abusive. If that happens you need to remove yourself.) Let them talk and be upset. Try to feel their pain without blaming them for what you’ve done. Having someone who will accept them at their worst communicates that you are safe and that you love them. Try to be present as they talk and try to stay in a mindset of concern and compassion.

Hopefully this will help you know how to support your mate’s healing as they battle intrusive thoughts. If you’re unable to be safe while your mate is flooding it only prolongs the flooding both in the moment and as they attempt to recover over the long haul. If you can be there for them, working to be safe for them, then you can help them heal and move beyond their fight or flight cycles. Remember your mate didn’t volunteer for this, but if they are still with you they are at least trying to move through this hell in an attempt to salvage your relationship and family.

I’d like to encourage you today to consider attending our EMS Weekend for further help in understanding how to help your mate heal. The weekend addresses the pain of all three parties: the betrayed spouse, the unfaithful spouse, and the marriage, and can help you gain stable ground for your recovery. 

 

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Comments

wow, did this speak to me.

wow, did this speak to me. Why the defensiveness? Why do I have to continually feel that I'm the one that is to be ashamed of my emotions when I'm the one that was betrayed? Why? Even thought the past 18 months have been based on commitment and transparency, am I to negate the past 14 years that were not? How does one negotiate the pain of betrayal and move forward when the reality of what was going on behind my back still haunts me...I pray that God will take my heart, my pain, my soul, and give me peace...

you spoke my truth

YES! I feel like the last 13 of my 15 years of marriage has been a lie. Every-time I see a photo and we are smiling, hugging, kissing or just look happy all I can think is how I was literally living a lie. I think for as long as they cheated should be the length of time I get to heal from it. All we want is peace, I don't want to walk around everyday with this anguish if I could make it vanish I would. I almost wish sometimes that I can go back being the person I was before I found out because at least I had a sense of self, I was one whole piece and now i'm a shattered replica.

Speaking the truth

While I may not be completely on subject a lot applies to me. After being accused of infidelity for about 2 years dday was revealed to me from my wife about 6 years later. Her accusations never stopped and I she said she was trying to make it easier for me to confess. I had already admitted to being with someone prior to our marriage and thats all there ever was. Her infidelity was an affair with a co-worker that lasted over 4 months including our anniversary month. I was clueless then and struggle with trying to remember those days now. The affair was during year 11 of our marriage. Now married 35 years. Dday was a little over 2 years ago. It's like it just happened. Everything that happened between then is a lie. Another child was born. I question paternity. Lot's of girl's nite out where I completely trusted her. Why? I always wonder "did they go here"? My mind always responds to normal married harsh words with "I bet she didn't talk to him like that". I am just now getting this from A R program and it helps. I have forgiven but still need more disclosure. I've only been told the minimum so what does my mind do? It imagines. I've accepted it the best I can and have good days and bad. At the very least use it to make us better but need more than minimal info. I wonder if my reactions are normal but know it is my reaction. Anyone know a way to get more disclosure that worked for you especially hurt spouses.

Why are we ashamed of our

Why are we ashamed of our emotions?! I felt your comment as if I wrote it myself. How long has it been for you since the terrible awful? It has been 15 months since I discovered it. However, just two weeks ago I found out it did not end when he stated it did. So here I am again. Back at square one. Feeling ashamed I found that out. Feeling ashamed to bring it back up again ( I did confront the issue, but felt awful doing it.) Why... million dollar question.

Betrayed

I feel your pain after my husband affair (emotional affair throught the internet for 1 1/2 year )...and after discover his infidelity he left one day and move to be close to her after 6 months of waiting to know about him he send me an email letting me the was over the divorce final and eminently so that lead to a speed divorce i got divorce in less than 4 months for adultery and abandonment of children.. after 6 months he left her and come back to work our relationship and the beginning was very nice 3 months we were just dating then I had my emotional outburst and he told me to get over by "now" and that was my fault......really?...no signs of remorse, no empathy of my hurts after 26 years and left me and my children for another woman that was married?...really.....I broke up with this unrealistic expectation that he and me will ever recover he still lies to me still blame me for his affair, plus he still look to hook up with other women in dating site.....it hurt but I have to love myself first and maintain my dignity....I believe this program is great when both couples are involve and want the recovery of thier marriage is a work of two people not just one and to show really repentance....good look my dear

Thanks

Thank you for this article

our MC says I can't discuss my flooding anymore

I'd love your opinion... We are 20 months out from D Day. I still get flooded, especially around being physical together. Our MC said I can say things like "I'm having a bad day" and ask for reassurance but to say something like "I'm sad that you slept with her in our guest room" is off limits. He says that this has all been discussed already, and that at this point it only serves to destroy the relationship. Is there a time when discussion about intrusive thoughts should come to an end and I just learn to "deal with it" or to be vague about why I'm having a bad day?

Reply to mini

I agree with you. I want to know the answer to this question too. I’m 2 days from D day

Reply to mini

I'd like to know as well i'm almost a year from D Day and just about anything brings to mind a memory and consumes me. I feel like who has the right to tell me how long I'm allowed to flood.. did someone tell my husband how long he was allowed to cheat on me before it was deemed as destroying our marriage??

It’s always there...

Yes, to all of the comments. Really struggling with triggers and painful memories. I feel like I’m on a timeline, in terms of how much longer I can bring it up (6 months and still raw pain at times). I feel like every time the hurt gets the best of me, and I attempt to talk about it, I’m rehashing it, and this responsible for slowing or halting the progress. But the pain is always there, ready to surface with every trigger.so

I'm one of those US, and I

I'm one of those US, and I wanted to know what to do in those situations and I stumbled upon this article. We are pretty early from dday, 5 months, but I can only say as long as it takes, and until it doesn't feel like it stings anymore for both parties and the words no longer have the power to grip both of you. There will be a time when both parties can really bury it in the ground, but have it serve as a memorial. I was stupid in the first place to make this kind of trauma for my spouse in the first place, so it would be stupid of me to think I could hurry the process or to think I could solve the problem I had created in the first place or to think that the BS could visit the memorial from time to time and for the US to be empathetic while visiting the memorial.

Flooding deadline

We are 12 months from D day or 3 weeks if you count that he has just really started telling me the “whole” story. It was basically just a sexting issue before. Now I know that he also had a physical relationship with her. Despite his refusal to believe me for most of this last year, I needed to talk about these images and triggers. I believe that you need to rehash them as long as it still holds power over you. The more you talk about it, the less power it has. Finding Affair Recovery on YouTube was the best thing that has happened in the last year! Samuel and Rick talk about these issues in a way that is very relatable to my husband.

Drip fed information, flooding like it was the first Dday

This really spoke to me as I just experienced my 4th dday with my husband. I have been saying i need the whole truth since the beginning and still i was drip fed information. Dday 1 is when I found out there was someone else and all else was a lie that day, Dday2 came one week later when I found out who the ap was, Dday 3 was 3 months later when I found out that the affair was sexual and all those details, an Dday 4 came the other day at 9 months when he told me he also went to massage parlors. I am just an wreck right now. I feel as if I live on quick sand and I cannot beleive anything. We have rebuilt so much but it all comes crashing down each time and it crashes on me. Going through the day is pure torture right now. He tries and I do believe he is doing his best, but his best has kept me in a totally unsafe state. We are enrolled in the winter EMS online and it cannot start soon enough for me. Praying every moment of the day for God to give me strength and grace to weather this season of my life that I never thought would happen.

It would be wonderful to know

It would be wonderful to know the answer to this. Our MC just said last night that I have to begin to trust and be vulnerable with him.

Husband actually got up and walked out of the room when I brought up how he was having phone conversations last week with a High School Sweetheart and had screenshots of her on his phone. If you’re “doing the right thing” WHY even do something like that to cause doubt? To throw it in my face knowing that I check?

Physical pain

I found out on March 9 after seeing some online messages. I still feel the physical pain of the shock and I vomit whenever I get flooded. Which is daily. How does one get the cheating spouse to open up about the details? I need to know because I keep imagining the worst and cannot continue this way. I have lost 10 kg.

Crazy Perhaps?

I did the typical thing of suspicion for 2 years while the emotional affair was building. She was supposedly one of my closest friends.
Whilst I was unexpectedly away, their relationship went to a sexual level within 2 weeks of my leaving - the clues were there with how our communication became non-existent. 2 months later I repeatedly asked if he was having an affair. He denied it and she was still acting like I was special to her. 2 months later I discovered it was true. I lost my husband and a supposedly close friend on the same day.
3 years down the line, I am still offering forgiveness and a complete willingness for him to come home.
4 months ago he ended it with her in preparation to come home and quit his job to move to a different country to be with me.
Boxing Day I found him on the phone with her! Now he’s ‘confused’ and doesn’t know whether he wants to come back to me or go back to her. He’s still having contact with her (I don’t know on what level), but I have pulled back to give him space to think.
So I continue to be the one doing the work, reading the articles, seeing counselors etc. He’s says sorry ‘for what he has done’, I don’t have the repentance you guys talk about. I don’t have the commitment you have. We will begin formal marriage counseling next week. What am I going to say?!?!
BS - please try to be thankful for what the US if offering to you.
US - please be educated to the deepest possible level. This website has been invaluable to me and can be for you too.
Find out what your Love Language is and what your Apology Langage is. Please take advantage of ALL assistance / resources you have access to (we don’t have access to very much where we live - it’s been a struggle to find an MC even).
Be strong in the Lord. Without Him I would not be here today.

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