Infidelity: The #1 Obstacle to Recovery What is the most vexing issue when recovering from a betrayal? It’s the ongoing emotional flooding resulting from the trauma of betrayal. Long after a couple commits to work on the marriage, the fire breathing trauma dragon continues to raise its ugly head and scorch the progress a couple makes. I call it a dragon because this type of trauma appears as if from nowhere only to ruthlessly attack you. This dragon of trauma is difficult to describe, so for those around you who don’t know this kind of pain, it can seem imaginary. For you though, it feels so big and so impossible to manage that recovery feels utterly hopeless. Several weeks ago I mentioned how Dopamine creates an intense need, similar to a drug addiction, which tells the brain you must have that pleasurable experience to survive. Those who are addicted and those who are traumatized are influenced by the same primitive part the brain, the amygdala. The amygdala is in charge of our fight or flight mechanism; it functions much like the brain of a reptile. If you’ve ever owned a reptile you know they are incapable of relationship. They are about two things: need and feed. If an alligator isn’t hungry and feels no sense of danger, it’s safe to approach that reptile. If that alligator is hungry or senses danger, however, they will attack even someone who has been feeding it for years. The amygdala stores memories and images and constantly watches for anything that may pose a threat. Unfortunately we don’t know what has been imprinted as a trigger for the fight or flight response. Let’s break down how your brain processes a potential threat using the example of seeing a snake on the ground. First, the amygdala, which is constantly on guard, triggers the sympathetic nervous system (the emotional accelerator) and in 1/200 of a second adrenaline is released, your heart rate jumps to over 100, and you leap out of harm’s way. Next, the pre-frontal cortex analyzes the type of snake to determine whether it poses a risk. If it perceives no danger it triggers the parasympathetic nervous system, which operates as the brakes on our emotional system. This alarm system is crucial for the survival of our species. What would happen if instead of immediately reacting we were to stand there trying to discern the type of snake and whether it poses a risk? We’d have two fang marks on our leg long before we could determine whether we should jump out of the way. At other times anger, which is a part of the fight response, is critical if we are to survive. Reacting and then determining the potential risk significantly increases our odds of survival in the wild, but it’s not always so helpful in day-to-day life. Dynamic in nature, the amygdala is constantly adapting to its present environment. Circumstances where there is fear, pain, shame, guilt, disrespect, insults, physical danger, and/or injury are just a few of the life experiences that can be marked by the amygdala as something to watch for in order to survive. Generally our survival system tends to hum along just fine unless we experience trauma. The amygdala, when triggered, stomps on our emotional accelerator causing us to react with either anger or by running away. The pre-frontal cortex evaluates the situation to determine if there is current danger, and if none exists it slams on our emotional brakes. This system is dependent on the pre-frontal cortex being able to make sense of what is happening so it can send the other parts of the brain the appropriate signals to calm you down. Here’s where the severity of this process sets in: severe trauma overloads the pre-frontal cortex and effectively cuts the brake line to the parasympathetic nervous system, leaving us like a car with the accelerator stuck on the floorboard and no brakes. The severe trauma of infidelity more often than not produces this effect. Our amygdala, always on watch, will spot a reminder of the infidelity and trigger the sympathetic nervous system, setting off overwhelming emotional flooding. The trauma of the betrayal makes it impossible for that person to regain control in that moment. Without a plan to eventually shift focus and defuse these reminders, the future of the marriage and potential recovery is not only painful and overwhelming, it’s also uncertain. Over the next few weeks we will explore the difficulties created by Post Traumatic Infidelity Syndrome. In my opinion this is the most significant obstacle for couples in recovery. It is at the root of emotional outbursts, hopelessness, avoidance, emotional and sexual constriction, hyper vigilance, depression, emotional abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, and all irrational conversations. Knowledge is power. Understanding the realities of the trauma caused by infidelity, and what can be done to heal the trauma caused by infidelity, can equip you to move forward in recovery. If you have specific questions regarding trauma and how to deal with trauma I would encourage you to join the Recovery Library. One of the benefits of the Recovery Library is the weekly question and answer session. You can post your questions and I will do my best to provide an answer on the following week’s Q&A. Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Emotional RegulationFor The Hurt SpouseFor the Unfaithful SpouseIntrusive ThoughtsRecovery FundamentalsTrauma of InfidelityRL_Media Type: Text
