In recovery, how do you handle the fear that seems to permeate every area of your life? It’s an issue we all face, and while the technique I’m about to share may not work for all, in every situation, I do believe it can help others find hope, healing, and a way through some of the darkness.

Decades  ago the company I worked for visited an outdoor ropes course for both personal development and team building activities. One of the personal challenges on the “High Ropes” course was walking a 20 foot beam called the “Cat Walk.” The beam is suspended approximately 30 feet above ground. Before climbing up to the suspended beam you walk across a similar beam on the ground to prove you can do it. None of us had a problem walking across the beam lying on the ground, but when I climbed 30 feet into the air to walk across that Cat Walk, I froze. My mind was telling me I could do it since just moments before I had crossed the beam on the ground, but seeing 30 feet of airspace below my feet took my breath away and left me paralyzed.

Recovering from infidelity is not unlike this experience. Day to day tasks that once were accomplished with ease can now seem terrifying in the aftermath of an affair. It often feels like you’re hanging above an abyss and one wrong step will be the end of you. You can tell yourself all day that you’ve done these activities before, that you can do this, but that doesn’t eliminate your fear. How do you come to a place where you can move forward without the paralysis of fear?

As I stood frozen, unable to walk across the beam, the facilitator suggested I put on a blindfold. The absurdity of that thought boggled my mind, but he persisted and eventually I gave in. The blindfold worked like a charm. Covering my eyes where I could no longer see the 30 foot drop eliminated my fear and allowed me to walk across the beam.

A few years ago Stephanie and I visited Israel. That trip had been on our bucket list for years. Something our guide said reminded me of my experience on the ropes course years ago. He said one way the Jews dealt with their fears was by “walking backwards;” that at times when scripture referred to looking behind, it was often a lesson on how to approach the future. They would intentionally keep their hearts and minds focused on the events in the past that revealed God’s hand of deliverance. This way, they “backed in” to the future. Thus, they had no reason to experience fear when they were focusing on all the good times in their past instead of fretting over the possible hard times in their future. What so often robs us of joy are the situations we create in our heads to worry about; situations that usually don’t even exist yet. We spend more time on “what-ifs” than we do on “remember-whens,” and that produces fear. As long as the Jews walked backwards into the future they had no fear because their eyes were on something that was solid. If, on the other hand, they took their eyes off their foundation, then life could feel something like walking over a 30 foot abyss.

At this point, you may be saying “Rick, I can’t even see the ‘remember whens’ right now. I’m too clouded with confusion, hurt, and betrayal.” I certainly understand that. However, this may be the very season where you will begin to experience breakthroughs unlike any before along with clarity, reconnection, and hope. Take the story below as an example:

As I walked on the beach, I considered just ending it all. I had put my wife and three kids on a plane to go stay with one of her friends just 15 minutes before, and I had no idea when they were coming back. Susan had given me no hope she was returning  anytime soon, and I was about as lost as I could be. All my friends had left me, Susan was on a plane with our kids, our family wasn’t aware of my moral failure, and I felt more alone and hopeless than ever. I drove right from the LAX Airport to the beach, and simply got on my knees and fell apart right at the shoreline. I couldn’t see any way out, and I couldn’t see how any of this would one day make sense, or feel any better than it did right there. I simply prayed and asked God to help me not end my life, and somehow be a father if I couldn’t be a husband at the same time. I’m convinced, the only reason I didn’t take my life was my three kids. I’ll never forget the hopelessness and agony of the entire day.

It’s been several years, and I have to tell you Rick, there have been thousands of “remember when’s,” since that lonely day on the beach. I had zero idea that there was hope available and as one author writes, “God was doing for us what we couldn’t do for ourselves.” I can’t underscore enough how dark it was for both of us, but when we have a tough time now dealing with regular life, marriage and parenting issues, we simply look back upon our litany of “remember when’s” and it’s like new faith and courage begin to enter the scene. We had to remember to allow the small victories to become “remember when’s.” Remember when the triggers finally started to dissipate?  Remember when we made it through an entire conversation without fighting? Remember when I was able to display empathy and safety, and know that Susan received it, for the first time? If the right process to recovery is utilized, you can in fact make it through to the other side, while also encountering events which seem so miniscule but will one day be the bridge between finding hope for your life and story.

As I write this I imagine some of you would tell me your fear is legitimate and I don’t disagree one bit. I also know that many unfaithful spouses choose to utilize a dysfunctional coping mechanism called ‘rewriting history’ where they choose to interpret events from the past in a way that suits one's own particular purposes. That purpose is typically to justify their affair(s) However, all hope is not lost. If your spouse is open to getting expert help, we can help your spouse come up for air and find clarity and truth. As you read in the story above, we absolutely believe there are ways to walk through this crisis, difficult as it may be, and manage the fear. So many of us are on the other side, and we’ve found healing and hope. Though it wasn’t easy by any means, it was in fact, possible.

As I go through the day I try to keep my focus on times in my life where I believe God has delivered me and where things have worked out miraculously well. By backing through my day with my eyes focused on solid anchors in my past, my level of fear and anxiety has decreased. I’ve also made a decision as Samuel has alluded to in his many video blogs that recovery will require bravery, probably unlike any other time in your life, thus far. The pursuit of restoration is absolutely terrifying at times and if you know this upfront, you can make a decision, in advance, to be brave.

I certainly don’t know if this same technique will work for you, but I suspect it could. If you want to give it a try, work hard to find moments in the past where things have worked out well or moments where God has come through for you and keep your attention focused on those things as you move forward through the day. I know that right now, the ashes of your marriage may seem not only blinding, but incapacitating. But those stories and wonderful memories are there if you look hard enough. If it’s impossible to find “remember when’s” from your marriage right now, look beyond that. There are other moments, other areas in your life where you were strong enough, brave enough, and you made it through, and you can use that for an anchor as well. I hope you will come back to this post and leave comments about how this has worked for you.

Below is a Survivors' Vlog from Lynn as she shares her experience with the "Remember-When's" in her journey after betrayal. 

At Affair Recovery we certainly recognize these are uncertain  times for many of you. One of our goals is to provide resources to help you along your journey. Another technique for dealing with fear is community. Having others who have walked this path is comforting, especially because infidelity can be so isolating. If you have no one to walk with I hope you will join one of our communities. EMS Online, a class for couples, is a wonderful option to learn to retrain your eyes and avoid focusing solely on the negative aspects of recovery that will undoubtedly produce fear. Learn what it means to focus on hope. With a membership to our Recovery Library, you’ll have access to hundreds of articles and video clips, Rick’s weekly Expert Q & A and a litany of other supporting resources. I hope you’ll reach out for community.