A while back a woman sat in my office complaining about her mate. (That’s not unusual; men and women both are forever in my office complaining about their mate.) Her complaint was about never feeling chosen. She gave example after example where her husband had chosen something (or someone) besides her.

After about twenty minutes, she stopped, took a breath, and asked, “Am I the problem?” Without a second’s hesitation, I said, “Absolutely.” Shock and disbelief flooded her face. “How can that be?” “It’s the way you look at your marriage,” I responded. “Let me show you”. Now, please understand, she is not the only problem or the reason her husband had an affair. However, in this instance and in this moment of recovery, her perspective was in fact, the problem. Give me a chance to walk you through it.

We went back to the beginning. When they met, Joe was already a successful businessman. When he began dating Sue, who was nine years younger, everyone was skeptical. She just wasn’t his type, but somehow that didn’t stop their love and appreciation for each other from growing. When Joe proposed, Sue knew what she wanted, and they began planning their life. “I knew it was going to be difficult,” she said. “Why?” I asked. “People tried to warn me. Someone told me, “You’ll always be his mistress,” and I knew it was true. He was so focused on his business and I didn’t see how that would ever change.” “Who told you that?” I asked. She couldn’t remember. She had set herself up for failure from the start, and we had to disempower the lie she had given herself to.

These types of statements forever change our lives. That one sentence created a negative lens through which Sue began to use and continued utilizing to evaluate the relationship. It placed a negative spin on Joe and brought into question whether or not she was really important to him. Was she always going to play second fiddle? Once that lens is put into place, that belief becomes the underlying theme through which you evaluate the marriage.

At the same time, that false belief  began to alter the goal of their interactions. Joe may not have seen it, but as Sue questioned whether or not she was chosen, he began trying to prove that she was. Their marriage was converted into a test where Joe tried to prove he chose her. Because the lens was focused on whether or not she was chosen, if there was ever a time he had to do something for work then she once again felt like “the mistress.”

But the problem went even deeper. As Sue began examining her life prior to Joe, it became apparent that this wasn’t the first time she had struggled with the question of whether she was chosen. Other circumstances in her life had already raised that fear in her mind and there was already a tendency on her part to want to view life through that lens.

Even though this problem isn’t directly related to infidelity, I bet you’re already seeing the problem. A break in the marriage bond can certainly create a lens where the focus is changed to “am I chosen or not?” While we all need to know that our mate is committed to us, if all our mate’s actions, both unfaithful and betrayed, are run through the negative lens of determining their commitment, then the marriage operates from a negative perspective and can never move forward. It sets up a co-dependent system where your decisions and actions are based solely on your mate’s behaviors. If your core belief is that “you’ll always be his mistress,” until that belief is replaced, you’ll never experience anything else. Their best attempts to change this belief will fail miserably and eventually prove exhausting for either spouse.

Keep in mind, both spouses can be guilty of viewing their mate through the negative lens. I typically see it play out as a self-fulfilling prophesy. For example: an unfaithful male sees his wife as cold and distant, so he treats her as such. His wife feels unloved because of the way he treats her, so she becomes cold and distant to protect herself. Do you see the effect our lens can have on our marriage?  

Just for the record, it is more than possible to change. I had an experience with another couple a few weeks ago where that change had occurred. He was telling me how much his wife had grown and what an amazing woman she had become. He couldn’t believe how fortunate he was to still be with her after all he had done and his incredible failures she had tolerated. One of our core definitions of forgiveness is choosing to live with the consequences of our mate’s behavior, and I’d say she’d not only found forgiveness, but was working hard to truly establish a connection.  

As our discussion went on, she was explaining how much he had softened and how she now had the marriage she always wanted. As they talked, I couldn’t help but find it a bit humorous because I’ve been working with them for a year and I know that neither of them has changed all that much. What has changed, however, is that lens through which they both now see each other. Instead of having a negative filter for their mate, they now see each other with respect and they’re focused on positive traits, not the negative traits. Even more importantly, they’ve been able to change the focus of their marriage. Although this seems impossible when infidelity has struck, I can tell you from personal experience and from over 30 years of helping couples heal that it’s more than possible.

Most of us believe the path to a better marriage is through better behavior, but that’s not the full truth of the recovery process. In fact, it might not even be the most important thing. More frequently, the path to a better marriage is through changing the lens through which we view our mate. Rather than focusing on what irritates, we have to intentionally focus on what we appreciate and what drew us to our spouse in the first place. Even more important, I have to change my role in the marriage. If my role has been the “inspector general” and I spend my time evaluating my mate and their performance, then I’m limited by my mate’s limitations and my marriage will always be “co-dependent”. But, if we can grow our friendship and find new meaning and appreciation for our relationship, we can find a totally new perspective in life, in marriage and in recovery.

Let me encourage you to look for what you appreciate. Keep an attitude of gratitude. For 5 days, I’d like to challenge you to  try and focus on what you’re mate’s doing right, rather than what they’re doing wrong. You’ll find it makes a difference. Remember, this challenge is for both the betrayed and unfaithful spouses. Both parties are often guilty of viewing their mate through a negative lens.

If you would like some help deciphering what type of lens you view your mate through and how to go about changing your perspective, try joining a Harboring Hope class. You’ll find it difficult to change the lens without some outside help, and Harboring Hope provides a support system you may be missing.