Spouses want to be chosen

A while back a woman sat in my office complaining about her mate. (That's not unusual; both men and women are forever in my office complaining about their mate.) Her complaint was about never feeling chosen. She gave example after example where her husband had chosen something (or someone) besides her.

After about twenty minutes she stopped, took a breath, and asked, "Am I the problem?"
Without a second's hesitation, I said, "Absolutely."
Shock and disbelief flooded her face. "How can that be?"
"It's the way you look at your marriage," I responded. "Let me show you".

Before we go further please understand, she is NOT the only problem or the reason her husband had an affair.

However, in this instance and in that moment of recovery, her perspective was in fact, the problem. Let me explain.

Perspective IS the Problem

We went back to the beginning. When they met, Joe was already a successful businessman. When he began dating Sue, who was nine years younger, everyone was skeptical. She just wasn't his type, but somehow that didn't stop their love and appreciation for each other from growing. When Joe proposed, Sue knew what she wanted, and they began planning their life.

"I knew it was going to be difficult," she said.
"Why?" I asked.
"People tried to warn me. Someone told me, 'You'll always be his mistress,' and I knew it was true. He was so focused on his business and I didn't see how that would ever change."
"Who told you that?" I asked.

She couldn't remember.

She had set herself up for failure from the start. We had to disempower the lie she had given herself to.

Negative Lenses and False Beliefs

These types of statements forever change our lives. That one sentence created a negative lens through which Sue began to evaluate the relationship. It placed a negative spin on Joe and brought into question whether or not she was really important to him. Was she always going to play second fiddle?

At the same time, that false belief began to alter the goal of their interactions. Joe may not have seen it, but as Sue questioned whether or not she was chosen, he began trying to prove that she was. Their marriage was converted into a test where Joe tried to prove he chose her. Because the lens was focused on whether or not she was chosen, if there was ever a time he had to do something for work then she once again felt like "the mistress."

But the problem went even deeper. As Sue began examining her life prior to Joe, it became apparent that this wasn't the first time she had struggled with the question of whether she was chosen. Other circumstances in her life had already raised that fear in her mind and there was already a tendency on her part to want to view life through that lens.

"You'll Always Be His Mistress"

Even though this problem isn't directly related to infidelity, I bet you're already seeing the problem. A break in the marriage bond can certainly create a lens where the focus is changed to "am I chosen or not?" While we all need to know that our mate is committed to us, if all our mate's actions, both unfaithful and betrayed, are run through the negative lens of determining their commitment, then the marriage operates from a negative perspective and can never move forward. It sets up a co-dependent system where your decisions and actions are based solely on your mate's behaviors. If your core belief is that "you'll always be his mistress," then until that belief is replaced, you'll never experience anything else. Their best attempts to change this belief will fail miserably and eventually prove exhausting for either spouse.

Keep in mind, both spouses can be guilty of viewing their mate through the negative lens. I typically see it play out as a self-fulfilling prophesy. For example: an unfaithful male sees his wife as cold and distant, so he treats her as such. His wife feels unloved because of the way he treats her, so she becomes cold and distant to protect herself. Do you see the effect our lens can have on our marriage?

Just for the record, it is more than possible to change. I had an experience with another couple a few weeks ago where that change occurred. He was telling me how much his wife had grown and what an amazing woman she had become. He couldn't believe how fortunate he was that she stayed despite all of his incredible failures.

I'd say his wife not only found forgiveness, but was working hard to establish a connection.

As our discussion continued, she was explaining how much he had softened and how she now had the marriage she always wanted. As they talked, I couldn't help but find it a bit humorous because I've been working with them for a year and I know that neither of them has changed all that much. The thing that has changed is the lens through which they both now see each other. Instead of having a negative filter for their mate, they now see each other with respect. They're now focused on positive traits - not the negative traits. Even more importantly, they've been able to change the focus of their marriage. Although this seems impossible when infidelity has struck, I can tell you from personal experience (and from over 30 years of helping couples heal) that it's more than possible.

Changing Roles in the Marriage

Most of us believe the path to a better marriage is through better behavior, but that's not the full truth of the recovery process. In fact, it might not even be the most important thing.

Rather than focusing on what irritates, we have to intentionally focus on what we appreciate and what drew us to our spouse in the first place. Even more important, I have to change my role in the marriage. If my role has been the "inspector general" and I spend my time evaluating my mate and their performance, then I'm limited by my mate's limitations and my marriage will always be "co-dependent". But, if we can grow our friendship and find new meaning and appreciation for our relationship, we can find a totally new perspective in life, in marriage and in recovery.

Let me encourage you to look for what you appreciate. Keep an attitude of gratitude. For five days, I'd like to challenge you to try and focus on what your mate is doing right, rather than what they're doing wrong. You'll find it makes a difference. Remember, this challenge is for both the betrayed and unfaithful spouses. Both parties are often guilty of viewing their mate through a negative lens.

Don't go through one of the most painful times of your life alone. Our online courses provide community support, and an infidelity-specific, expert curriculum designed to care for even the most difficult of cases. If you are the unfaithful spouse and would like some help deciphering what type of lens you view your mate through as well as how to go about changing your perspective, try joining a Hope for Healing Class. Registration opens today at 12:00 PM CST.